Ticker TV Insight- Interview with Mike Loder on authenticity in the workplace
Last week I was interviewed by Mike Loder on Ticker TV in what was a really interesting discussion. To listen to the interview see the link below or read the full interview transcript.
Last week I was interviewed by Mike Loder on Ticker TV in what was a really interesting discussion. To listen to the interview see the link below or read the full interview transcript.
Mike Loder
Hello and welcome back to Ticker Insight. I'm your host, Mike Loder, and my first story for now. And we all hold conflicting views of self, multiple perspectives of who we are and how we should act. And as leaders, these selves seem to be a constant tightrope walk, negotiating personal and professional lives. Joe Hart is the founder of leadership consultancy True Perspective and is here to help us unpack these thoughts. Welcome to you, my friend.
Joe Hart
Thank you, Mike. Great to be here.
Mike Loder
No worries at all. I think this is a really important one to discuss because I mention that everyone has these two sides of the coin, but in your book you say that honesty and perspective are key to effective leadership. Is a time for leaders to live more transparently, do you think?
Joe Hart
Absolutely. It's always been really important for leaders to live with transparency. I guess when I talk about honesty, I'm talking about honesty with self. It's one thing to not lie, I think it's incredibly important for everyone to show up and be truthful, but to be really honest with yourself about what is it that you're doing, what are you engaged in, are you actually in the right role at work? Are you actually a leader? And is that what you really want to be doing? Because it's an important role and honesty is incredibly important in terms of being a leader.
Mike Loder
I think it's very difficult for some people to be honest at times, especially in their workplace. Got to keep going, got to keep moving, not say how they're feeling, etc. But how is important is self-development for leaders at this time, is it absolutely critical?
Joe Hart
It always has been important and I think now it's probably more important than ever. It's really easy, especially as a leader, to want your team to have all of the development opportunities thrown their way. I think leaders need to take a look at themselves and actually know what they need for themselves because that is going to help develop their team. And it's incredibly important to prioritise that as a behaviour. It role models the right sort of behaviour for your team and demonstrates that that's what's important to continually evolve and develop as a leader yourself, it’s not about giving it to everyone else, give it to yourself first, be selfish with it and that is probably the most selfless thing you can do as a leader.
Mike Loder
Absolutely, Joe, selfish is not always an ugly word, but authenticity is another key buzzword at the moment. How important is this for employee buy-in, and do you think when it comes to being your authentic self, it’s really important?
Joe Hart
It is a bit of a buzzword and unfortunately sometimes gets a bad rap. When people say, “you lead with your truth” and “my truth”, it can sometimes turn people's noses up, which I really appreciate. What I'm talking about when I'm saying being authentic is don't be afraid to bring yourself to work and I see a lot of leaders, or even as a psychologist myself, not wanting to fully open up about some of your challenges or what's going on for you. I talk about it in my book, the importance of discovering who you are by disclosing who you are. And when you disclose, a sense of reciprocity kicks in and people want to give more of themselves as a result. So this really lovely process happens, and this ripple effect of sharing happens as a result. So don't be afraid to throw it out there. You can never know how people are going to respond. And I hear people say it all the time, it's like, “Oh, well, I know that's not going to be good”, or “I know that's going to be career suicide”. How could you possibly know that? So just go there, have a go at being who you are and see what happens, and I count on it, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Mike Loder
Totally, your mind starts going, all of the negative things that could happen, sort of catastrophizing, I suppose. But should self-reflection lead from the top down to employees as well, do you think, Joe?
Joe Hart
Absolutely. I think self-reflection is something that we all need to engage in, whether it be journaling, whether it be an opportunity to sit quietly with yourself and reflect on how you've behaved and how others have been behaving around you and in response to your behaviour. Self-reflection should be something that everyone engages in. And of course, the senior leaders in your organisation, whether they be right at the top, they need to be role modelling that and engaging in self-reflective behaviour as well.
Mike Loder
Yeah. Just to finish, what key factors do you see are impacting engagement, do you think?
Joe Hart
The same things have always been impacting engagement. Really what we're talking about is the leader. The leader in the organisation is the single biggest factor that influences how people feel at work. Research from Gallup and other organisations demonstrates that about 70% of the variance in what you're feeling at work is accounted for by that behaviour demonstrated by your leader. So if you're a leader or aspiring to be a leader, you really owe it to everybody and yourself to show up, be honest, and be authentic, because that's what's going to impact everybody else's experience. To step outside yourself and demonstrate a bit more empathy in terms of what you're doing. By that, I mean to allow people to give you feedback so you can see yourself the way they're seeing and experiencing you. So I think a lack of that is probably affecting engagement negatively.
Mike Loder
It's not always easy to look in the mirror, I suppose, as well. Joe, I really appreciate our chat, and love to get my hands on your book because I really enjoyed our discussion today. I think it's a really important one to consider. So thank you for your time and your insight.
Joe Hart
Thank you so much, Mike. Appreciate it.
WANT HELP?
Need help getting your team to ‘play’ nicely? Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you or your team.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Help me see myself the way you see and experience me: True Perspective
I do a lot of work with people to help them understand how their actions and behaviours impact others, which I see as an honour and privilege. However, I can’t lose sight of the importance of the work I do with others and how I need to do that for myself.
I’m writing a book that is due for publication in February 2022. The concept I’m exploring in the book is True Perspective, helping people see and experience themselves the way the rest of the world sees and experiences them. For anybody who is serious about doing the work necessary to grow and evolve, this book is for you.
To help with the content of my book I’m asking you to provide me with some honest feedback, some true perspective of my own. It’s incredibly important to me and I will be so grateful for your contribution.
Here is a short video I’ve created explaining true perspective and how you can provide me with some feedback.
If you are happy to jump straight in, please click on the following link to fill out the very short survey.
Take the survey here:
Employee Engagement: Five things you need to know
In October last year, Gallup published the 10th Employee Engagement Meta-Analysis, the world’s largest study linking business performance outcomes to measures of employee engagement. The study revealed the same results consistent with previous iterations - Teams, or business units, scoring above average (in the top 50% of the database) more than double their odds of success compared to teams scoring below average on engagement. More specifically, highly engaged teams outperformed their poorly engaged teams by 10% customer loyalty, 23% profitability, 18% productivity and a staggering 81% absenteeism. After reliably replicating this finding over a 20+ year period, there is no denying the importance, and significance of ensuring the engagement of your team/business sits at the apex of your business's strategic objectives.
In October last year, Gallup published the 10th Employee Engagement Meta-Analysis, the world’s largest study linking business performance outcomes to measures of employee engagement. The study revealed the same results consistent with previous iterations - Teams, or business units, scoring above average (in the top 50% of the database) more than double their odds of success compared to teams scoring below average on engagement. More specifically, highly engaged teams outperformed their poorly engaged teams by 10% customer loyalty, 23% profitability, 18% productivity and a staggering 81% absenteeism. After reliably replicating this finding over a 20+ year period, there is no denying the importance, and significance of ensuring the engagement of your team/business sits at the apex of your business's strategic objectives.
The truth is, engagement still features as a formality for many organisations, a tick-the-box exercise to demonstrate that they ‘care’ and want to ‘listen’ to their employees and provide them with a ‘voice’. While there are some organisations out there doing a great job, I’m still astonished at the number of organisations that stuff this up….and by organisations, I mean the people that work in them (you know who you are!).
The reason why employee engagement catapulted Gallup to success back in the ’90s is that they were the first organisation to demonstrate the consistent link between how employees felt, and how organisations performed. It seems like a no-brainer, the happier your people are, the more productive and profitable they will be. Like most powerful ideas, the research merely confirms a timeless truth that we all intuitively know. The real challenge is to take action, now that there is no denying the truth.
Recently, I was reminded of how poorly most organisations apply the knowledge that engaged employees lead to better business outcomes. A client of mine shared that they received the results from a recent employee engagement survey and the results weren’t good. Rather than take this as an opportunity to learn, understand and deepen the opportunity for change, the executive director gave them all a lashing for ‘being so selfish’ and not appreciating how ‘good’ they have it. My client shared that the message was received loud and clear “you’d better give better scores next time otherwise, things won’t go well for you around here”. This was further tainted by some speculation that their executive director needed good engagement scores to achieve an annual bonus.
This is a familiar, and horrible example of how NOT to use employee engagement surveys. Furthermore, it reinforces the importance of measuring employee engagement for the right reasons. To help you establish if you are on the right path, consider the following list:
1) If you don’t want the truth don’t ask I.e. you aren’t willing to accept any feedback from the team, no matter how harsh or confronting…don’t bother asking them at all. You’ll do more damage asking for their perspective and not actioning the results than you will if you don’t ask them at all.
2) Don’t make engagement scores key Performance Indicators. If you must tie them into KPIs, make sure you keep them at the senior executive level and ensure that the focus is on change or improvement in engagement coupled with a measure of taking action or belief that action will be taken.
3) Don’t shield your team or organisation from the truth. If engagement is low, and the data supports this, people already know. They did provide the feedback after all. I know it’s tempting to ‘protect’ people to avoid panic but in reality, people aren’t stupid. The talented people are already looking for other jobs so by facing up to the truth, you are far more likely to engage your best in turning things around.
4) Stop making engagement an ‘HR’ thing. Yes, HR should be involved, but they shouldn’t ‘own’ the result or the follow-up. In many cases, HR holds on to engagement too firmly so this is also something to be aware of. Engagement is measured at the individual level and reported at the group or team level. Anything to enhance engagement needs to start at the individual level and be discussed at the team level.
5) Recognise that engagement as a construct existed long before Gallup or any other organisation reverse engineered questions to measure it. You don’t need a survey to identify if people are feeling a bit ordinary about things. Open your ears, walk the floors, talk to people. The process of listening changes how people feel, as long as it’s done genuinely. If the survey has become a routined tick-the-box exercise, it’s time to find another way to identify the truth.
WANT HELP?
Need help getting your team to ‘play’ nicely? Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you or your team.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Are you addicted to saying yes?
Last week while eating my breakfast, coffee in hand still letting my body wake-up for the day my daughter asked me a great question. “Where’s your dream holiday destination?” Without thinking too deeply I responded “Kakadu for a Barramundi fishing tour”.
Her eyes widened a bit and she nodded in acknowledgment. I then said, “you know where Kakadu is right?”. She gave me a slight nod….then a smile…then said “I actually don’t know”.
I asked her why she nodded if she didn’t actually know where it was. She laughed and said “I don’t know…I just did”. While innocent, it highlights how easy it is to fall into the habit of simply agreeing or saying yes to everything.
Last week while eating my breakfast, coffee in hand still letting my body wake up for the day my daughter asked me a great question. “Where’s your dream holiday destination?” Without thinking too deeply I responded “Kakadu for a Barramundi fishing tour”.
Her eyes widened a bit and she nodded in acknowledgment. I then said, “you know where Kakadu is right?”. She gave me a slight nod….then a smile…then said “I actually don’t know”.
I asked her why she nodded if she didn’t actually know where it was. She laughed and said, “I don’t know…I just did”. While innocent, it highlights how easy it is to fall into the habit of simply agreeing or saying yes to everything.
I then proceeded to tell her about all the people of worked with over the years that have been addicted to saying yes….total yes junkies…the people that have an inability to simply let somebody know that they don’t know, or they aren’t able to do what they are being asked or they aren’t sure what they are being asked to do.
I’ve coached plenty of people over the years that have this aversion to saying no or feel the need to say yes to everything. I can wholeheartedly say that when yes becomes a habit, it creates more problems than it solves. At this point, I’ll share a great TED talk by Shonda Rhimes, the brains behind TV shows Greys Anatomy and Scandal. In her talk, she shares her story about how saying yes to everything for a year changed her life for the better. I love the TED talk and admire her personal transformation, but I disagree with saying yes to everything. I think it’s great clickbait, but horrible advice. In Shonda’s case, she refers to saying yes to playing with her daughter…no matter what. For a super busy person that puts work above all else, this was a massive commitment, but it wasn’t exactly saying yes to everything. Also, given her youngest daughter was only five at the time, a focussed 15min session of play was enough to satisfy her commitment most of the time.
I appreciate that if you’re a yes junkie, then kicking the habit cold turkey by replacing it with a ‘no’ might be a tall order. Instead, come up with a strategy to buy yourself some time before you over-commit yourself or agree to do something that you really don’t want to do. A simple strategy plenty of people use effectively is to say “Let me have a look at my existing commitments/priorities and I’ll come back to you”.
For those of you that are battling with a power dynamic, like a CEO that is demanding you drop everything, I want you to try the following. Imagine you were the CEO and the board was applying significant pressure on you to perform on behalf of the shareholders. It’s understandable that you might have a little more acid in your tone or be less tolerant of others. However, as the CEO you still want people to challenge you, provide you with important insights and have the courage to say ‘no’ or push back when necessary. How patronising is it to have people around you that simply say yes to your every suggestion, all the while they don’t believe in what they are doing?
What’s the moral of the story? practice saying no, being honest and having the courage to speak up. Saying yes to everything is lazy and the fastest way to diminish your value. A well-considered ‘no’ is more valuable than 100 lazy yes’.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Where's your coach?
One night I got hooked into watching a Table Tennis match that was a nail biter, and they were playing to get into the quarter-finals. After an intense game, they were all tied up for the deciding set and that’s when I noticed something strange. Between sets, they are allowed to have a quick chat with their coach to talk strategy, go over the game plan, and reset their thinking. For one player, there was no discussion, nor strategy talk….he didn’t have a coach!
While watching the Olympic games this year I was particularly interested in observing the interaction coaches were having with their players.
One night I got hooked into watching a Table Tennis match that was a nail biter, and they were playing to get into the quarter-finals. After an intense game, they were all tied up for the deciding set and that’s when I noticed something strange. Between sets, they are allowed to have a quick chat with their coach to talk strategy, go over the game plan, and reset their thinking. For one player, there was no discussion, nor strategy talk….he didn’t have a coach!
At an elite level, I was shocked at what I was seeing. I also couldn’t help but imagine what was going through this player’s mind. He was facing elimination from the Olympic games, a tournament of the highest calibre, yet he had no coach. Instead, he was sitting head in his hands, rubbing the sweat off his face with a towel.
When the cameras focussed on the other player, there was a lively discussion between the player and coach. There was lots of nodding, passionate instruction, a bit of a shoulder massage and what looked to be plenty of reinforcement that winning was entirely possible.
Of course, the player that had a coach won but that isn’t the point. When I did a bit of research, it turned out that the player without a coach had managed to beat one of the tournament favourites the round before. He also did this without a coach.
In May last year, I wrote an article about the value of coaching. While there is strong evidence to support an increase in performance across almost any domain, I reckon the best part of having a coach is the process of sharing those moments of success and hardship. It’s about having support in those critical moments where your thoughts and actions aren’t aligned. It’s in those moments where all of the prep, all the techniques, all the training become relevant…and the coach is right there with you.
It’s commonplace to have a coach at the elite level, but every now and then, somebody goes it alone and still achieves success. Whether you have a coach or not won’t guarantee success or failure but one thing is for certain, your experience will be a whole lot richer if you do have a coach in your corner, helping lead you when it inevitably gets hard.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Is that really true?
How much of what you say is true? To even attempt to answer that question, you first need to be keenly aware of the words and phrases you are using. This is especially important if you are in a leadership role with significant influence.
How much of what you say is true? To even attempt to answer that question, you first need to be keenly aware of the words and phrases you are using. This is especially important if you are in a leadership role with significant influence.
Today I had a kick-off coaching session (virtual of course) with a new client. She was providing me with an overview of her situation and what she’d like to address in our sessions together.
As I was listening I noticed a pattern emerge in her language when she said “I’m happy to take on the extra work…..” when referring to how busy and under-resourced she was. However, the way she said it indicated that she wasn’t happy at all. The second time I heard her say it, I asked her if that was actually true. Was she happy to take on the extra work?
After a long pause, she said, “No..I’m not actually happy at all”. She then wanted to talk more about why and the fact that asking her to do more work was unfair, at which point I brought her back to the simple truth of noticing the incongruence between the words she used and how she felt. The truth is, she isn’t alone. I think much of our self-talk and the well-rehearsed idioms we use in our everyday conversations don’t match what we actually feel. I also think it’s why many leaders fail to establish trust and credibility.
Much of our distress boils down to feeling helpless, undervalued, used, taken for granted or rejected. These feelings usually manifest when you don’t feel heard or you’re struggling to express what’s really going on for you. Next time you’re sharing your challenges with someone, take notice of the language you use and whether it matches what you feel.
This reflective process is critical in establishing your awareness as a leader. Without awareness, you can’t lead yourself. If you can’t lead yourself, there’s no chance anyone will follow you. When your words match your feelings, you are leading with the truth. When you lead with the truth, people listen.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
How do you rate your empathy? Try being John Malkovich!
If you haven’t seen the film, ‘being John Malkovich’ is a bizarre story that provides insight into the concept of being able to inhabit somebody else’s skin, feel what they feel and move how they move. In doing so, you learn more about yourself by feeling free to express and explore who you are through the vessel of another. It beautifully conveys the power of empathy to enable deep reflection to take place about ones own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. What’s so wonderful about this film is that John Malkovich stars as John Malkovich, which to me, is the ultimate test of empathy.
If you haven’t seen the film, ‘Being John Malkovich’ is a bizarre story that provides insight into the concept of being able to inhabit somebody else’s skin, feel what they feel and move how they move. In doing so, you learn more about yourself by feeling free to express and explore who you are through the vessel of another. It beautifully conveys the power of empathy to enable deep reflection to take place about ones own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. What’s so wonderful about this film is that John Malkovich stars as John Malkovich, which to me, is the ultimate test of empathy.
Imagine that you were asked to play the starring role in the movie “Being [your name]”. In other words, how would you ‘be’ you. Like any other role, you’d have to study your character’s every move, understand their motivations, values, strengths, weaknesses, and fears. You’d have to understand in-depth, how they think, feel and behave in any given scenario. If you think this is easy, see how you go when someone sets you up in front of a camera and says “just be yourself”. To most, this is usually enough to trigger a freeze response or simply makes one go completely blank.
One could argue that over-thinking who you are or how you are perceived is a bottomless pit of self-conscious despair and will only lead to anxiety. On the contrary, I don’t think we consider our impact on others enough. If you want to make a positive impact on society at large, start with the people you interact with regularly and have a go at making sure your presence ensures they have a positive experience.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
The view of you: Let’s talk about perspective
Perspective-taking, in my opinion, is one of the most useful tools any of us have in our life skills toolbelt. Equally, losing perspective is one of the greatest handicaps one can suffer. Being able to shift perspective helps us re-focus in times of crisis, understand somebody else’s behaviour or point of view, see new possibilities for old problems, and learn from our mistakes. Given the ability to shift your perspective is so powerful, I reckon it’s an ability worth practising.
Have you said or ever heard someone say any of the following sentences?
“I don’t care what people think of me”
“I am who I am and if you don’t like it, that’s your problem”
“I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but you can’t please everyone”
“I focus on being myself, being true to who I really am”
If I’m completely honest, I’ve said some of the above sentences and heard plenty of people say them over the years. Most people would interpret the above affirmations as a sign of confidence or good self-esteem. Not me, I cringe when I hear them now. Why?… Because what they are really saying is “I couldn’t be bothered understanding how others feel, think and behave… their perspective doesn’t matter”
I’m open to the idea that there are some circumstances where it might make sense to “not care” what people think of you. Some might argue that as an elite athlete, it’s essential to “not care” but if you’re wondering what happened to Bernard Tomic or don’t even know who I’m talking about…I rest my case. I personally struggle to think of any examples where it actually makes sense. Unless of course, you are happy to live and work in an environment that doesn’t require you to build or maintain relationships. It reminds me of the reclusive types that retreat from society and have minimal contact with the outside world. They are usually incredibly interesting and quirky people but also quite damaged. To me, it all comes down to how self-centred they are. In other words, they view the world as being all about them and lack empathy for others. As a consequence, the view we all have of them is of being withdrawn and closed-off, albeit interesting and quirky. Of course, their perspective doesn’t shift with feedback because they already hold the view that they don’t care what other people think.
Perspective-taking, in my opinion, is one of the most useful tools any of us have in our life skills toolbelt. Equally, losing perspective is one of the greatest handicaps one can suffer. Being able to shift perspective helps us re-focus in times of crisis, understand somebody else’s behaviour or point of view, see new possibilities for old problems, and learn from our mistakes. Given the ability to shift your perspective is so powerful, I reckon it’s an ability worth practising.
To gain perspective, the two main skills that everyone needs to master, are Empathy and Experiential awareness. That is, one’s ability to understand what somebody else is feeling and the experience they are currently having in your presence. The problem is, when we need perspective most like when we are in the middle of a crisis or things just aren’t going our way, we often struggle to find it. The solution, while counterintuitive, is to stop focussing on yourself and look to what others are feeling and how they are experiencing you. This will give you a new perspective, and also help you see yourself how the rest of the world sees and experiences you.
If you’re still convinced that what others think of you doesn’t matter or isn’t helpful, try this on for size. How you see yourself is mirrored by how others experience you. For example, not caring how others experience you would be like someone politely letting you know that you’ve got something stuck between your teeth and you respond with “Thanks for letting me know, but I really don’t care”. Not exactly the best way to win friends and influence people! More applicable examples could be rejecting feedback in any of the following scenarios. Having poor body language in meetings, the overuse of ‘um’ when presenting, belittling others publicly, making cynical comments or snide remarks, not speaking up when you have something to say, big-noting yourself, turning up late to a meeting and lying about what caused your delay and the list goes on…and on. We all need perspective at times so we can see ourselves how others are seeing and experiencing us. However, you can only achieve perspective if you see yourself from another’s point of view.
If you’re looking for a little more insight, consider this. The view others have of you is shaped by the view you have of yourself. When you think about it, it’s quite simple, how you see yourself shapes your behaviour. How you behave shapes how people see and experience you. As a leader, manager or parent, this forges the culture of your organisation, team or household you are leading respectively. Your success as a leader in any context is directly related to your ability to empathise. When you take the time to understand what your key stakeholders are feeling you’ll also start to take responsibility for the behaviour that shapes their view of you.
To sum it all up, the view of you is a reflection of how you see yourself. If you couldn’t be bothered or don’t care what people think, their experience of you will be someone who doesn’t care, couldn’t be bothered and doesn’t want to understand them. This does not bode well for anyone wanting to create have a productive, engaged life. To avoid this outcome try Shifting your focus to put others at the centre of your universe and you’ll have no option but to demonstrate empathy and understanding.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Attention all Parents and Managers: Do You Care Enough?
The similarities of being a parent and leading a team of people in a work context are undeniable. Parents and leaders alike, often describe feeling like they are pulled from pillar to post, selflessly giving all of who they are for the betterment of their successors. They shield them from compromising situations, they protect their welfare (helicopter parents or ‘air-cover’ in the work context), they teach them valuable life lessons and they mentor them to improve (otherwise known as lecturing). Interestingly, both parents and leaders describe a similar frustration with their perceived lack of appreciation by saying things like “If only they knew how valuable these lessons are that I’m teaching them” or “I put so much effort into making sure their situation is better than what I had to deal with…they just don’t seem to get it” or “I’m done….I can’t keep making all these sacrifices and not receive any sort of thanks or recognition for everything I do”….or “ you know what…I don’t care anymore, they can do whatever they want… one day they’ll realise I’m right”.
The similarities of being a parent and leading a team of people in a work context are undeniable. Parents and leaders alike, often describe feeling like they are pulled from pillar to post, selflessly giving all of who they are for the betterment of their successors. They shield them from compromising situations, they protect their welfare (helicopter parents or ‘air-cover’ in the work context), they teach them valuable life lessons and they mentor them to improve (otherwise known as lecturing). Interestingly, both parents and leaders describe a similar frustration with their perceived lack of appreciation by saying things like “If only they knew how valuable these lessons are that I’m teaching them” or “I put so much effort into making sure their situation is better than what I had to deal with…they just don’t seem to get it” or “I’m done….I can’t keep making all these sacrifices and not receive any sort of thanks or recognition for everything I do”….or “ you know what…I don’t care anymore, they can do whatever they want… one day they’ll realise I’m right”.
What this means for you
If these phrases resonate with you, whether you’re a parent or a professional, you’re wasting your time if you expect any sort of kudos for your efforts. The truth is, even if they said all the right things, it’s empty unless it’s followed up with some action. Most people know exactly what you want to hear to get you off their back. It delivers a short term burst of positive emotion for the receiver but, like the buzz experienced from a hit of caffeine or sugar, it wears off quickly. It feels good but you know it’s got false energy behind it. It’s seductive and easy….but deep down you know it’s fake. It’s simply a reflection that they have likely figured out how you were influencing them to do what you wanted….they’ve cracked the code so to speak, and started beating you at your own transactional game. Their behaviour toward you is a direct reflection of how they view you….and if that view is transactional, then you’ve only got yourself to blame.
Why am I sharing this?
I’m obsessed with helping people see themselves the way the rest of the world sees them. When we are able to tap into others’ perspectives, we open the door to a powerful form of empathy that drives us to act in ways that realign us to how we want to be experienced. In doing so, we consciously create a legacy that makes us feel proud of who we are, clearly articulate what we want and know with certainty why we matter. By taking our own perspective and rounding it out with the view of all our stakeholders (the good, the bad and the ugly)we are left with what I call the ‘true perspective’ of you; the true view of you. This ‘True Perspective’, if you choose to accept it as valid, is what will enable you to lead with the truth both personally and professionally.
Applied learning
Lately, I’ve been going through the same challenges every parent of teenagers is inevitably faced with. Ultimately, our teenagers start to push the relationship boundaries and want to explore and shape their identities more fully. This is all part of the transition from childhood to adulthood and a necessary rite of passage. Nonetheless, it can be a painful and difficult time for parents as they are required to take on more of a leadership role in the relationship because the *autocratic method that works very well with young kids doesn’t get the same result with teenagers. The more complex issues (motivation, purpose, identity, power, equality and status) that are introduced by teenagers require a long term strategy that is focussed on continually growing and deepening the relationship. Obviously everybody wants to be able to focus on developing a long-term, ever-deepening relationship with your teenager but and direct attempt will most likely result in rejection. The same is true for managers….while it sounds like a great plan to have a deep relationship with your direct reports, unless you meet their emotional needs first, they will never interpret your behaviour as a genuine attempt to build connection.
Understanding your level of care
As people, we all have emotional needs that when you start going deeper, all link back to one basic need; the need to be loved. Basically, we all need to feel loved, accepted, that we belong and that regardless of what’s happening, somebody deeply cares about us. I know this sounds incredibly basic but it’s astonishing how often this point is missed. To simplify this further, your behaviour as a parent, or a manager, will get classified in one of three ways.
Absence: This is when someone feels ignored by their parent or manager. They have no information to interpret so in the absence of information, they make stuff up. What they make up typically sounds like “They don’t love me” or “They clearly don’t care about me because I never see or hear from them”. Of course, this interpretation could be completely wrong but in the absence of information, they get stuck in their own thinking which is typically negative.
Presence: This is when someone knows they are loved, cared about and have all of the basic needs met. They feel safe, looked after, valued and worthy. It really is the bare minimum that you would expect of a parent or manager. The issue with this is it can easily be achieved by saying all of the right things. As we all know, it’s not enough to simply tell somebody you love them, you need to show them that you love them through your actions. As human beings, a red flag goes up when what someone says is misaligned with what someone does.
Perseverance: This is the most powerful but most difficult level to achieve. This is the idea of tough love and comes in the form of intervention and disruption. The real question that you are answering at this level is “Do they care about me enough to take action or intervene?”. It’s not a thought or something that you say but no less than what you do that confirms whether you really care or not. It is the ultimate test and requires an act of selflessness from the parent or professional.
What’s the point?
Whether you are a parent leading a family or a professional leading a team, you are judged (broadly) as falling into one of these three categories. You are responsible for establishing the ground rules for building a long-term relationship with the people you are primarily responsible for. You need to focus on the trilogy of thoughts, words and acts of love to reinforce that the relationship is important to you. As messy as it gets…and it will certainly get messy, your primary concern is to think, say and act with the intention to demonstrate that you care about them AND you care so much that you are willing to put your own emotional needs on hold, to ensure that their emotional needs are met. As a parent and as a manager….you need to understand that IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!
Parents - read this
For the parents out there, if you’re worried that by putting some clear boundaries around who your teenager hangs out with and where they hang out, they are going to hate you. My advice, get over yourself and get used to the discomfort that comes with doing your job as a parent or manager. Their rejection of you is a test to see if you care enough to intervene, take action and stick by your word. They will thank you in the long term and you will grow as a leader.
Managers/Professionals - read this
As a manager or professional, if you are struggling to address some performance challenges you are having with a direct report because you don’t want to disrupt the positive relationships and engagement in the team. Again…get over yourself and see the bigger picture. If you take the line of perseverance, you look to the long-term viability of the relationship and forgo the easy, lazy option of saying nothing at all. Everybody can see that what you have to do takes courage, isn’t easy and nobody would want to be in your shoes. On the flip side, there is no other option but to ‘embrace the suck’ as Brene Brown would say.
Everybody - read this
Due to their similarity, I’ve been directing you toward considering this framework in relation to the role of a manager or a parent. If you play either these roles, both or neither, it doesn’t really matter. The core issue we are dealing with is relevant do any meaningful relationship you have in your life…be it personal or at work. The next time you find yourself justifying somebody else’s behaviour, wishing another person could see something from your perspective, getting frustrated, angry, sad as a result of something they did. I want you to ask yourself one question - Do I care enough to intervene and take action? You can be certain that if you aren’t asking that question and answering it with a strong ‘yes’. They will be left with the conclusion that you don’t care and that they don’t really matter.
*By autocratic methods, I mean using your power and authority to punish, bribe and threaten to get the outcome you want. For example, a father might say to his child “If you don’t brush your teeth right now you won’t be allowed to play the iPad for a whole week…..one….two….two and a half”.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Everybody has a plan until you get hit by a truck!
As an avid martial arts fan, I was recently reminded of the brutal simplicity of Mike Tyson’s infamous quote “Everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face”. Coupled with my recent experience, I wanted to explore the concept of managing your emotions; a skill and critical element in demonstrating emotional intelligence.
As an avid martial arts fan, I was recently reminded of the brutal simplicity of Mike Tyson’s infamous quote “Everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face”. Coupled with my recent experience, I wanted to explore the concept of managing your emotions; a skill and critical element in demonstrating emotional intelligence.
A minor setback
Two Saturdays ago, I awoke early to begin the ritual of getting my kids off to their weekend sporting activities. We were on track until I tried to start the car…and the engine sadly answered with a strange grinding/clicking noise. With no time to wait for roadside assist or waste time getting angry at the fact that there might be a serious issue with the car, I kept my cool and quickly changed the plan. My wife has a car and she was about to head off to the gym so we agreed that her car would be the taxi for the day and everyone would still make it to their activities. This was a minor blip in the course of the morning, but for some, could be an opportunity to derail their entire day. While the crisis was averted, I knew I still had to organise roadside assist and figure out what was wrong with my car.
When a minor setback becomes a significant trauma
I dropped my wife off at the Gym then stopped to pick up a coffee on the way back to my son’s soccer game. At a set of traffic lights, I was sipping my coffee proudly (or perhaps arrogantly) reflecting on the ease with which I kept my emotions in check after a rather tumultuous start to the day. The light turned green so I started to make a left turn and that’s when it happened, I got hit by a truck! My coffee ended up as decoration for the upholstery and my wife’s Toyota RAV 4 came off second best, which you would expect when colliding with a 10-ton truck. Fortunately for me, because I was turning left and the truck swerved right, it was a glancing blow hence why I’m still alive and able to write about my experience. As soon as the truck hit me I knew what had happened. My first response was “What the F&!#” then I tried to figure out if I’d done something wrong…did I run a red light? “No…it was definitely green,” I said to myself. While I was rattled, I was strangely calm. Before getting out of the car to confront the truck driver and inspect the damage, I took a moment to notice my breath and gauge my heart rate. As I got out of the car and locked eyes with the truck driver, the poor guy was in shock. He was trembling with adrenaline and extremely apologetic. His thinking was scrambled and he immediately admitted that he ran the red light as he was not sure where he was going. A witness also shared their details and confirmed that the truck driver had run a red light.
Firstly, I want to reinforce that I was the only person in my car and nobody was injured in the accident - thank goodness. For the rest of the day and for the few weeks since I’ve been reflecting on how lucky I am to be able to say that I’ve been hit by a truck and am still alive to tell the tale. The second insight that struck me is how empowering it is to stay calm and present, even when faced with significant trauma or a crisis. Mike Tyson rightly points out that you can have the best strategy to win a fight but the second you get in the ring and you cop a punch to the face, your adrenaline takes over and you are at the mercy of your physiological self…A part of you that is geared toward revving you up to fight back or flee the danger all together. We all know what this feels like but it’s incredibly difficult to control when it’s happening to you. Of course, there are times when this physiological response comes in handy but it certainly isn’t useful in most modern-day situations that we face. What about being in a fight you might ask? Wouldn’t your ‘fight’ response enhance your ability to win? It’s a logical conclusion but anyone who fights regularly and skillfully knows that it’s actually wrong.
Mastering your physiological self
Following the accident, I got thinking about what enabled me to stay calm in such a challenging situation. It’s not like I’ve been hit by a truck before so I couldn’t put it down to experience. I then reflected on my ongoing training in martial arts and it dawned on me that I’ve been consistently training my body to master my physiological self. I recognised that there are some key principles that you learn in the dojo that potentially generalise to other areas of life.
When training in any martial arts, combat sports or any sports for that matter, your ability to stay calm by focussing on your breathing is critical. Once you lose your breath, your whole body gets sapped of energy. The same ideas apply to basic meditation, yoga, endurance running, swimming…and the list goes on.
The second element to any good training regime is repetition. The idea is simple. When you are in a fight, you don’t have time to ‘think’ about what you have to do. It needs to be an automatic response that you have prepared for. It’s all about trusting your body and your ability to do what needs to be done.
The third element to enable you to manage your physiological self is practising through simulation. When training in Martial Arts, this looks like loads of sparring with people that are better than you. It’s hard, it’s challenging, it’s sometimes demoralising but it certainly simulates what a fight feels like and enables you to practice your ability to focus under pressure.
These three areas of foundational training set you up for success when you have to face a situation that requires you to fight. Of course, we don’t want to go out looking for a fight but in the event that we have to, we want to know that we are ready and able. Leadership guru Stephen Covey refers to this as ‘Sharpening the saw’. My conclusion from all of this is it seems that training in martial arts not only prepares you to fight but also prepares you to manage your emotions when facing any sort of trauma.
What does this mean for leadership and life?
When thinking about leadership and life in general, you are likely to face significant challenges or mild ‘trauma’ regularly. One could even classify COVID-19 and the impact it has had on the world as similar to being hit by a truck or punched in the face. It pretty much came out of nowhere and it’s the sort of thing most people wouldn’t spend time planning for. As a leader of your life, regardless of what drives you, your strengths, your capability, or your good intentions…All of these things get overshadowed by one thing; your ability to keep your cool when you are facing a crisis. Once you let your physiological self take over, you’re certain to show up in a way that isn’t aligned with how you want people to experience you. Controlling our breath, practising behaviour that grounds us or centres us and simulating challenging situations (through coaching and mentoring) will enable you to master your physiological self. Over time, you’ll be able to gain a deeper awareness and make more conscious decisions to respond in times of crisis…a capability every leader should aspire to develop.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with mastering your physiological self? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Can you state your purpose?…Or is that not practical enough for you?
To have a purpose is to have resolve, determination, and an intrinsic reason to act. It enables intention to meet action so what you do, has meaning. When someone is clear on their purpose, they have a spring in their step, an air of confidence about them that is powerful, unique and engaging. Without purpose, time can stretch so a moment morphs into a day, and a day bleeds into a week and before you know it, you are chunking time in decades or more, and while a lot has happened most of it wasn’t really intentional. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast lane that you end up getting carried with the momentum of everybody else…so much so that you forget about purpose altogether. It’s how our brains ensure we survive, like a herd of Wildebeests running from danger, all moving in the same direction to limit their chances of being attacked. Much of society and culture is about moving with the herd to ensure survival. The problem with this? if you do happen to get isolated or marginalised, you’ll need your purpose more than ever.
To have a purpose is to have resolve, determination, and an intrinsic reason to act. It enables intention to meet action so what you do, has meaning. When someone is clear on their purpose, they have a spring in their step, an air of confidence about them that is powerful, unique and engaging. Without purpose, time can stretch so a moment morphs into a day, and a day bleeds into a week and before you know it, you are chunking time in decades or more, and while a lot has happened most of it wasn’t really intentional. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast lane that you end up getting carried with the momentum of everybody else…so much so that you forget about purpose altogether. It’s how our brains ensure we survive, like a herd of Wildebeests running from danger, all moving in the same direction to limit their chances of being attacked. Much of society and culture is about moving with the herd to ensure survival. The problem with this? if you do happen to get isolated or marginalised, you’ll need your purpose more than ever.
When I talk about purpose it goes beyond the job that you have, the money you earn, the kids you are responsible for or the family you belong to…it’s way deeper than that. It even goes deeper than the compensatory behaviour we all engage in to make up for any perceived injustice that we’ve had to endure (redundancies, divorce, death of a loved one, childhood adversity, family feuds etc.). In most movies, you’ll notice that the protagonist is typically fueled by a desire to seek revenge, find love, gain reputation or protect their family. These are the surface level goals, ambitions, and motivations that they openly share and discuss. Very rarely, however, do they reveal their core purpose, the purpose which provides them with their charm, charisma, and magnetism. The reason for this? They probably haven’t explored what it is so they can’t articulate it. Even if they had, you’d most likely be confused and unimpressed if they revealed it to you!
Your purpose is for you…nobody else
When I help my clients identify and articulate their purpose, it usually doesn’t take very long. In fact, stating your purpose is the easy part, it’s aligning to that purpose that will take the rest of your life. Some people intuitively get this step and quickly grasp the power of being able to tap into an infinite resource of self-determining energy. Others, however, really struggle to make the connection. This article is for those who are struggling with the idea that by connecting to their purpose it will make a positive difference in their lives. If you roll your eyes every time somebody talks about a ‘higher purpose’ or finding their ‘true north’…you’re in good company. I tend to do the same. However, having done the work, I recognise how being able to articulate your purpose permeates everything that you do and in doing so, enhances how you experience the world and how the world experiences you.
A better, more practical question to ask
Two years ago I was working with a leader…let’s call him Jason. Jason managed a small team and his business was doing well. He was young, successful and had everything going for him. He sought me out because he felt like something was missing. He kept telling himself that he should be happier and that things should feel better now that he had achieved his ambition. The truth was, he didn’t feel happy, he wasn’t fulfilled…in fact, he’d never been more miserable. There was nothing wrong…everything was exactly as it should be but for some reason, nothing felt right to him. Jason wasn’t clear on his purpose at all…he lacked that spring in his step, his energy was low and he didn’t hold himself with confidence. We did some work to help him state his purpose and the moment he identified it he deflated like a two-day-old party balloon. Just like his life had failed to meet his lofty expectations, articulating his purpose had only disappointed him further. As part of the coaching program, I also conducted a 360 for Jason. Before receiving any of the feedback, Jason let me know that he didn’t care what other people thought about him. He described how he just got on and did his thing regardless…he didn’t have time to worry about anybody outside his circle of good friends. The logic being that if he offends anybody, his friends ‘get him’ but everybody else would just have to ‘deal with it’. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Jason was less than charming as a leader, and often found himself dealing with staff issues stemming from a backlash to his leadership style. Since his purpose statement wasn’t helping Jason ‘see’ what was blindingly obvious to everybody else, I presented him with the better question to ask “Jason, how do you want people to experience you?….How might they describe you if they truly ‘got’ your intention”. I let him sit with the question for a good minute before he broke the silence. He rattled off a series of adjectives “Wise, easy-going, fun, friendly and….trustworthy”. Not surprisingly, the feedback gathered wasn’t a close match. The words they used to describe their experience of him were “Tense, overly ambitious, serious, and moody” all highlighting some significant gaps in his experience-awareness…(Experience-awareness is sort of like self-awareness but it’s more about taking the perspective of those around you). Like Jason, by seeking feedback you are able to see yourself the way the rest of the world sees you…but be warned, you may not like what you see.
Similarly to Jason, many of us might feel that the best way to be successful is to focus on our goals, ambitions, and wealth creation. These are all great and I fully support chasing them with gusto. I do however caution people about chasing their goals, ambitions and wealth creation without first aligning to their purpose. As it was with Jason, you might achieve all your goals but you will feel hollow and depleted. If however, Jason integrated his goals with how he wants people to experience him, he creates balance and synergy. By turning his focus to how he wants people to experience him Jason must repeatedly ask for feedback, accept that feedback as valid (regardless of how confronting) and decide what he will act upon. I’d love to be able to share with you that Jason succeeded but I can’t. His response to the feedback was “I already knew that’s what they would say…and it confirms that they don’t really know me or get me”. This confirmed that Jason’s experience-awareness was low, and his unwillingness to take responsibility for the experience people were having of him would ensure he would continue to feel unfulfilled.
You shape the experience people have of you
As children, we interact freely with the world. We say what we want when we want. If we don’t get what we want, we cry, throw tantrums and get upset. As children, we see the world from one very self-centred perspective and have very little awareness of how others might be experiencing us. As we grow and learn, we become aware of the impact our behaviour has on others. Some might describe this as having empathy, others might say it’s simply socialisation, I say it’s experience-awareness, a necessary tool to create your personal legacy. I know many people cringe at the word legacy and feel that it’s far too grandiose. What I’m trying to describe is not egotistical at all, rather, it’s an outside-in feedback loop that ensures that your purpose (what’s most important to you) is being experienced in alignment with your intention. I guarantee that you won’t always get it right…perhaps you will never get it right but the pursuit of aligning your intentions with how people experience you will change everything. It enhances your energy, your happiness, your fulfilment, your productivity, your decision making, your relationships, and your leadership. The best thing about this strategy is it’s both selfless and selfish. By turning your focus to how people experience you, you are serving them with a better more empathetic version of who you are, you are also enhancing your wellbeing and every other aspect of your life at the same time.
Bringing it all together
Knowing your purpose so you can articulate it, and align with it, is critical for sustaining your energy, confidence and long term fulfilment. Without it, you are most likely floating along through life like a bubble in the wind, barely noticeable, unsustainable and aimless.
If you’re like most people, you turn to tasks and projects to give you satisfaction and keep you busy. However, focusing on goals alone or ‘What’ you do is going to leave you empty in the long term. Instead, try focussing on ‘How’ you go about achieving those goals. How you lead a team, how you parent a child, how you build a relationship all link back to how you interact with and relate to others.
Purpose can sometimes feel a bit spiritual or impractical for those ‘doers’ amongst us. It’s for this reason that people can sometimes snub it because they just want to ‘kick some goals’ or ‘get stuff done’. If purpose feels a bit lofty or high-level for you, ask yourself a better, more grounded question, “How do I want people to experience me?”.
By matching your intention (how you want people to experience you) with the actual experience people have of you (We figure this out by seeking feedback), you will increase your experience-awareness, fulfilment and wellbeing.
Your purpose energises you to take action while your legacy reflects how that action is experienced or interpreted. If you’re a leader, rather than put this in the ‘too hard basket’ you owe it to yourself and the people around you to take responsibility for how they are experiencing you.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with your purpose or how people experience you? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Break-ups are ugly: Why losing your job and being dumped by your partner can feel the same
Right now, there a plenty of people are losing their jobs, facing uncertainty and feeling like their worth has been questioned…and let’s be honest…it has. When leaders of organisations facing challenging times have to make the tough call to let people go, they don’t do it lightly. In fact, regardless of how ruthless some people can be, terminating employment is still up there as one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever need to have with somebody. Nobody likes it, it’s never easy and the person on the receiving end is usually devastated.
Relationships are everything. They reflect how we are raised as kids, our education, the work that we do, our partners, friends, clubs we join, associations we belong to etc. Relationships represent how we connect with others and regardless of how functional they are when they are taken away, we notice.
Right now, there a plenty of people are losing their jobs, facing uncertainty and feeling like their worth has been questioned…and let’s be honest…it has. When leaders of organisations facing challenging times have to make the tough call to let people go, they don’t do it lightly. In fact, regardless of how ruthless some people can be, terminating employment is still up there as one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever need to have with somebody. Nobody likes it, it’s never easy and the person on the receiving end is usually devastated.
You would think that in the context of an organisation, justifying a termination would be relatively easy e.g. misconduct, underperformance, poor culture fit etc., and realistically it is. The part that we all get snagged on is the feeling of betrayal, unfairness, or injustice of it all. In many ways, the relationship we have with work is similar to having a long term partner in life so when things don’t quite work out, the break-up can get ugly. Even when we know that a job isn’t fulfilling, or our partners aren’t a good match for us we tend to cling onto the familiarity and safety of the relationship. The longer we stay in a dysfunctional relationship, the harder it is to leave. We waste vast amounts of energy just trying to tread water in vain, knowing that inevitably you will run out of energy and simply drown.
The remainder of this article focuses on what happens once you’ve moved on. Most of the articles I’ve read on this topic, talk about how to make the decision to move out of a toxic relationship (because most people find it difficult to leave) but what if it happens to you unexpectedly? How would you cope?
Know thy relationship
Knowing how to cope following a relationship breakdown depends on the two major factors:
1) Whether you saw the break-up coming or not.
2) Whether the relationship was toxic or functional.
The Toxic Train-crash
When you’re in a toxic relationship be it work or personal if you see the end coming it can sometimes feel like a train crash happening in slow motion. It’s long, painful, often bitter and full of spite. It looks like the warring couple that spends years arguing in court to ensure that the other person ‘Gets what they deserve’ or their ex doesn’t ‘get more than they deserve’. Often, this ends in a stress-related reduction of both their lifespans, the devastation of their relationship with their kids and a bunch of rich lawyers.
At work, it can be even worse when things go really sour. People can be on workers compensation for the majority of their working lives due to a breakdown in the relationship they have with their employer. Despite them getting paid, the bitterness and spite poisons every relationship in their life and they rarely move on to bigger and better things.
The selfless Victim
It’s more common that people remain in a toxic relationship whether that be their job, which they feel they can’t leave due to financial commitments or a lack of transferable skills, or their relationship which is usually justified as ‘I’m staying for the kids’ or some other perfectly logical reason. It’s when these relationships suddenly end that feelings of insecurity can rise up having a crippling effect on the person that remains.
Imagine you’ve been married for ten years…it’s not exactly great and you have at times felt as though you made a mistake but you’re loyal, you convince yourself that it’s not all bad, so you stay. One day, you come home to your partner sitting at the kitchen table caressing a mug of tea, they give you a melancholy look that you’ve never seen before, but you instantly know what’s going on…you feel their honesty; it’s over. There is the initial shock of it all which is shortly followed by strong feelings of insecurity. All of your fears, the pros and cons of staying vs leaving come flooding back to you. How dare they leave when you were loyal for so long…” that’s not fair” you say to yourself. It’s at this point that you recognise that your loyalty has earned you nothing, your selflessness has drained your energy and now you are nothing but a victim.
Life Happens
Sometimes, when things are going really well, you’re loving your career, your team, your company then something happens. The market crashes, a global pandemic hits, the company folds or you’re caught up in a massive organisational restructure. You lose your job, and you didn’t see it coming. Feelings of despair, shock, loss, grief and denial kick in. It’s hard to accept, there is no ‘why’ to analyse, mistakes to learn from or reason to process. It just happened. Similarly, when people lose a loved one to death through accident or disease, the trauma experienced can throw them off for months or even years.
The Conscious Leader
Leadership is a conscious process of continual alignment and evolution. It’s sort of like tracking North on a compass. You’ve got to keep moving forward to reach your destination while at the same time you are watching the ‘needle’ to ensure that it’s still aligned to your desired destination. In any relationship, there are times where one person outgrows the other be it a partner or an organisation that you are working for. It may not be broken but if you aren’t growing anymore, it might be time to move on. It takes guts to make this call and step into your insecurities and all that you don’t know, but this is where growth happens. In all the years that I’ve been coaching people I’ve seen many people take action as a conscious leader and while it’s scary, it ALWAYS precedes a positive change in their lives. These acts of alignment carry them forward continuously requiring them to reorient themselves back to North; their aspiration.
See the following diagram to figure out the dynamic of your relationship.
Fig 1. When relationships end, whether you see it coming or not, there are patterns of feeling that emerge.
Beware the loyalty trap
Having conducted my fair share of interviews over the years, loyalty is often cited as a great value to have. It appears as often as integrity, trustworthiness and reliability. The challenge is, if you see yourself as a ‘loyal’ person at work, meaning that you won’t explore other job opportunities or stay active in the market, your setting yourself up for failure. Imagine for a moment, if you took someone out on a date and they kept referencing that they were ‘loyal’ or ‘faithful’ you might have a legitimate reason to be concerned about their fidelity. Rather, you’d hope that early on in a relationship you would spend a good deal of time discussing the needs of both to remain in a long term, loving partnership. There is an unspoken assumption that if either person isn’t ‘feeling the love’ then it’s time to pluck up the courage to be honest. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with somebody just because they are ‘loyal’, there has to be some form of love at the core of it. The same goes for your workplace, if you’re ‘loyal’ but not getting any ‘love’ in return you’re likely stuck in a long term relationship that has stagnated. Nothing is broken but it’s not great either. Things can coast along politely for years without an honest conversation. When speaking with people in this situation they say things like:
“It’s not perfect….but nothing is, there’s no point rocking the boat for the sake of it”
“I’m worried that if a make a change now, it will be worse that what I’ve currently got”
“I know it’s bad but they are promising that things will get better….so I’ll stick it out”
“I don’t want to be judged for quitting or failing….That’s not what I do”
If you recognise yourself in any of the above statements, it’s time to stop hiding behind loyalty and start being honest with yourself about what you want. There is nothing more unattractive than somebody who is lying to themselves. Once you stop lying to yourself, you’re able to bring some honesty in how you relate to others, that’s when things will start to shift for you.
I now know the dynamics of my relationship…now what do I do?
Having figured out what type of relationship you were in and how it ended, use the following table for a few tips and ideas for how you can cope. These are equally applicable for somebody that has recently left a partner or have lost their job (or in some cases both!).
Fig 2. How to cope when your relationship ends, whether you saw it coming or not!
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with your relationships? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
How to express yourself without losing your SH!T
Following on from a conversation I had with a client recently, we discussed a uniquely human challenge that all humans face. That is, how do we honestly express ourselves without losing control to the point of yelling, screaming or engaging in a physical display or our emotions. In other words, how can you express yourself without losing your sh!t?
Following on from a conversation I had with a client recently, we discussed a uniquely human challenge that all humans face. That is, how do we honestly express ourselves without losing control to the point of yelling, screaming or engaging in a physical display of our emotions? In other words, how can you express yourself without losing your sh!t?
As a parent of four, I know how easy it is to ‘lose your sh!t’ when your kids aren’t listening, haven’t done their homework, are squabbling amongst themselves over whose turn it is on the Xbox or tell you that they’ve forgotten something upon arrival at your destination - after repeatedly prompting them with ‘don’t forget to bring….’.
We’ve all got our different thresholds of tolerating what we deem to be unacceptable behaviour but once that threshold is crossed, it triggers a surge of emotion like a tsunami rippling out from the epicentre of an earthquake under the ocean. Once it has been triggered, there’s no stopping it….at that point, it’s about weathering the storm and dealing with the path of destruction that it leaves behind.
The importance of being heard
For me, I know that there is something primal that happens inside me when I’m not feeling heard, and in the familiarity of my own home is where my primal scream is unleashed. For those that know me professionally, they probably can’t imagine me getting angry or screaming at my kids. Trust me, my kids can confirm that it happens. The truth is, I’m not proud of it. It’s not aligned with who I am, what I represent nor how I want my kids to experience me as their dad. What’s more, if I get really honest with myself, those times when I’m not feeling heard at home are usually just the tip of the iceberg. There is a whole raft of things that sit just beneath the surface that are contributing to the pressure that is building. The trick is to know how to release some of that pressure in small amounts so it never gets to the point of a gigantic explosion that has built up over time.
To deliver your message and it be heard, you need the right amount of emotion. Too much and it explodes…too little and your message fizzles out and doesn’t go anywhere. Think of it like a rocket. To get enough thrust to take off, fuel needs to burn with enough ferocity that the gases are forced through the small hole at the bottom creating the momentum to move through the air. Too much ferocity and the rocket simply explodes. Not enough and the rocket never takes off. A perfectly designed rocket is intense but also beautiful as it streaks through the sky leaving a trail of brilliance behind it.
I think we’ve all been trained so well to be ‘professional’, ‘polite’, ‘nice’, and ‘respectful’ that we’re not expressing ourselves honestly most of the time. We spend a lot of energy making sure that we don’t ‘upset people’ or say something that might not ‘go down well’ so we end up suppressing all of it…until we can’t contain the pressure anymore and BOOOOM! We create a cycle of communication with our kids, partners, work colleagues, friends and extended family that perpetually follows this pattern.
Depending on your personality, you’ll have your own threshold of tolerance and level of ‘ferocity’ behind your messages. I’m not advocating to change who you are but more so enhancing how you are experienced by providing people with an opportunity to hear your message. Imagine how amazing you would feel if every time you spoke people totally ‘got’ you. No need to repeat yourself, raise your voice, bang fists on tables or refrain from saying anything out of fear that you’ll say something you’ll regret.
The relationship between clarity and emotion
In 1908, Yerkes and Dodson demonstrated the relationship between pressure and performance as what they called the inverted u-curve. Their discovery was quite simple, for certain tasks you need the right level of pressure or arousal to perform at your peak. I recall some exams that I’ve sat in the past where I was yawning and a little too relaxed beforehand. Not surprisingly, my performance was hindered because my mind wasn’t fully switched on. It would have been ideal to have a little bit of anxiety to ensure that I was alert and ready to put my brain to work. The opposite has been true before an athletics carnival as a kid. I remember been so wound-up about it because I wanted to be the under 13 years Athletics Champion that my body was shaking like a leaf before the 200-metre sprint, one of my best events. During the race, I felt like I had lead weights attached to my feet as I watched the other runners fly past me as if I was in slow motion. In both cases, I could not perform at my peak due to either too much or too little arousal. This is the same when it comes to delivering a clear and powerful message…too much emotion and you’ll come across as ferocious and your message will be lost. Too little emotion and your message will be received as bland or lackadaisical or simply just fizzle out. With the right amount of emotion the clarity of your message is enhanced to the point of being optimally forthright.
Fig 1. The relationship between clarity and emotion. When a message is charged with too much emotion it is perceived to be ferocious and you are far less likely to be heard. Too little emotion and you message fizzles out . An optimised message is forthright with the perfect balance of emotion behind it.
The optimal message
A few weeks ago, I wrote an article describing the approach of taking the fire out of your feedback by focussing on the Facts rather than the Interpretation, Reaction or the End in mind. This is a great approach but for some, it’s an opportunity to be robotic in their delivery (just focussing on the facts without any emotion) or creates a huge amount of tension for somebody who is trying to contain the eruption inside of them. While there is no perfect solution to delivering the optimal message, here are a couple of strategies that work.
Before jumping in headfirst, ask yourself “How do I want to be experienced?”. By stepping outside of yourself you instantly become more self-aware and are better able to determine if you are behaving in alignment with your intention.
Take a moment to evaluate your physiological state. If you’re all stressed and wired, your message will be drowned out by the corticosteroids coursing through your veins. If your body isn’t right, people will pick up on it straight away instantly raising the ‘red flag’. Do what you can to get centred and present so your message will be heard. There are a thousand things you could do such as- take a brisk walk, meditation, try to juggle three balls, strike a yoga pose etc.
The context plays an incredibly important role in how your message is delivered and received. A formal message may lose its impact if delivered on a park bench by the beach. Conversely, a heartfelt discussion may be lost amongst the formality of a company boardroom. Make sure that you put some thought into the environment and how it will influence the interpretation of your message.
The relationship you have with the person receiving the message is also a critical consideration. A family member will evoke a different emotion to a boss. Equally, a person that you don’t like will evoke a different emotion to a person that you really enjoy spending time with. Your message will always be influenced by the strength of the bond you share with the receiver, take a moment to reflect on how this is contributing to your emotional state.
Notice what you are telling yourself. Whatever you are telling yourself becomes a prelude to what happens next. Too often we invest so much energy in a preemptive determination of an outcome, which usually represents the outcome we don’t want. Instead, invest your energy in the outcome you do want to increase the likelihood of being heard.
As a final thought, I want you to press pause for a moment and acknowledge that if you are reading this, then you are human. We all experience those moments where everything gets a bit too much, we are overwhelmed by life’s challenges and we will inevitably lose our sh!t. Rather than beat yourself up about it, take the time to reflect on how people experienced you during your tirade. Notice how you felt in your body, recognise the impact it had on your relationships and consider the context you were in at the time it all blew up. Finally, identify what you were telling yourself before it all went pear-shaped. What you tell yourself is the secret that will unlock the mystery behind why you don’t feel heard. Solve this riddle and I guarantee you’ll be able to express yourself without losing your sh!t.
WANT HELP?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Do you 'Serve' or do you 'Save'?
When working in the human services - I’m talking about psychologists, Human resource professionals, counsellors, executive coaches, or social workers- there is a common thread that unifies them all in what they do; to be of service to others. While this sounds fulfilling, and it is, it’s often confused with ‘saving’ others and as you can imagine there is a huge difference.
When working in the human services - I’m talking about Psychologists, Human Resource professionals, Counsellors, Executive Coaches, or Social Workers- there is a common thread that unifies them all in what they do; to be of service to others. While this sounds fulfilling, and it is, it’s often confused with ‘saving’ others and as you can imagine there is a huge difference.
When I was studying my undergraduate psychology degree, I was interested in becoming a clinical psychologist. I was advised along with many of my fellow students to do some volunteer work for Lifeline Australia, a not for profit 24/7 suicide intervention telephone counselling service. I went through the training which was fantastic and still ranks as some of the best development I’ve received as a coach and Psychologist. About a year into my time as a telephone counsellor I started to question whether I was really making a difference. I was answering calls, supporting people but still didn’t feel like it was enough. One evening when I completed a shift, I was doing a debrief with the person that was due to take over and it happened to be the CEO of Lifeline at the time…yep, even the CEO put in the time to serve those in need. It was in the debrief with the CEO that I figured out what I was missing…I wasn’t aiming to serve people I was trying to save people. I’d shared my disillusionment with the CEO and he simply asked “Why are you here right now?” my answer “I want to help save lives…but I feel like I’m not having an impact”. I could tell by the way he looked at me that I was going about it all wrong. Unless I actually saved somebody’s life, I thought my contribution was negligible…..talk about setting myself up for failure!
The truth is, I see many people in leadership roles making the same mistake. Rather than seek to serve people, they are trying to save people which is where it all goes wrong. I speak with a lot of leaders and managers all of whom share a desire to develop people in their teams. Somewhere on the way, their desire to save everybody morphs into a yearning to help anybody which in turn leaves them serving nobody…least of all themselves. I call this the Everybody>Anybody>Nobody rule, and it’s the fastest way to burn yourself out.
Stop trying to save people and start serving
Have you ever heard the saying “You can’t save everybody”? Well, I hear it often and I like to rephrase it to “you can’t save anybody…that part’s up to them”. Of course, I’m not talking about Lifeguards, Doctors, or Paramedics because saving lives is what they get paid to do. I’m talking about well-meaning managers that are trying to make sure everybody is looked after or an HR professional that puts everybody else’s needs first. Ironically, the desire to ‘save’ others is a selfish act driven by a desire to be of value and recognised for such noteworthy contributions. It’s the narcissistic shadow in all of us that wants to be the one that ‘saved’ somebody. People tell me all the time that they want to be an executive coach or counsellor so they can experience those moments when somebody has an epiphany that turns their life around. While it sounds like a great reason to become a coach, it’s not realistic nor sustainable to think that it will occur in every conversation. Similarly, a leader would be a fool to think that they could successfully develop every person that ever works for them. Your role as a coach or leader is to serve those who you work with, which starts by understanding what they most need. How do you figure that out? Ask them! It’s as simple as asking “What do you most need right now?” While they may not always be articulate in their response, it’s a great act of service to help them get clarity.
Don’t be afraid to let them fail
As a parent of four, I’m all too aware of the desire to want my kids to succeed, to see them flourish, be happy and have confidence. While I know that the times in my life where I’ve experienced the most growth have been some of the toughest, I can’t help but steer my kids clear of oncoming obstacles to spare them of unnecessary challenge. Again, this represents a tendency to want to save rather than serve and it’s my desire to save them from failing that stops me from serving them as a supporting father. The same goes for coaches of individuals, managers of teams and CEOs of organisations. If you’re working hard to save people from themselves, then your not serving them as a leader….you need to let go of control and let them fail. There is no substitute for the feeling of something slip through your fingers. Sometimes allowing people to experience that feeling for themselves is the greatest way to serve them…and yourself.
They need to work harder than you
If you’re working harder on them than you are on yourself, there’s something wrong. Equally, if you’re working harder on them they they are on themselves, stop it right now. Your job as a parent, coach, manager or leader is to be there to love, support, serve and inspire. At no point should you be tearing your hair out with frustration at the lack of reciprocity you are receiving. If you find yourself in that situation, rather than continue to push the proverbial uphill, commit to having an honest conversation about what’s not working. Try not to say something like “I feel like you aren’t putting in the work” but rather try asking “What will it take for you to succeed right now?”. Hopefully the question triggers a valuable discussion to get them back on track. If you get an “I don’t know”….or “I’m not sure” that’s your cue to serve them, not save them, and sometimes that means giving them some breathing space to figure out what they need.
WANT HELP?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Unearthing Your Creative Intelligence
A couple of weeks ago I was a guest on James Barrow’s Podcast, the B-side, which is all about finding insights that help unlock your creative potential. We had a great chat covering a large variety of topics which really got me thinking about creative intelligence or the ability to go beyond what you know to create novel and interesting ideas. During the conversation, James asked me to share something that people don’t know about me. My first response was that I’m pretty open and tend to write about my experiences in my weekly blog so there wasn’t much that I hadn’t already shared. That’s when I remembered a whole chapter in my youth that I’d completely forgotten about, one that was all about creative intelligence and inspiration. If you’d like to listen to the whole episode you can find it here.
A couple of weeks ago I was a guest on James Barrow’s Podcast, the B-side, which is all about finding insights that help unlock your creative potential. We had a great chat covering a large variety of topics which really got me thinking about creative intelligence or the ability to go beyond what you know to create novel and interesting ideas. During the conversation, James asked me to share something that people don’t know about me. My first response was that I’m pretty open and tend to write about my experiences in my weekly blog so there wasn’t much that I hadn’t already shared. That’s when I remembered a whole chapter in my youth that I’d completely forgotten about, one that was all about creative intelligence and inspiration. If you’d like to listen to the whole episode you can find it here.
Here is what I shared…
When I was 17, I moved out of home into a share-house with some really intelligent and supportive people. Unfortunately, the change didn’t work out for me and before long I changed schools again and moved back home with my mum in Lismore for my final year at school. I found it difficult to stay focussed on my studies and lost continuity with my classes and fell behind. The only thing that I felt like I wasn’t falling behind in was Art. There was something about the creative process involved in art that fascinated me, I loved the spontaneity of it, the ability to see your own reflection and meaning in the work but most of all, it was a way I could express myself honestly at a time in my life when nothing came easy and I constantly felt frustrated.
Street art was particularly fascinating to me because it was generally done quickly and spontaneously, was usually large scale, and was incredibly unique to the artist. I want to take this moment to clarify that I don’t condone ‘tagging’ which is defacing of public property that you see everywhere that just looks messy and is illegal. I’m talking about brilliant artworks that are created by incredibly creative people in urban settings.
In 1999, a mate and I had an idea to do a mural in Lismore on a wall under the local bridge but wanted to do it legally. We went through an application process and had to pitch our idea to the Mayor at the time. To our surprise, we were granted funding to purchase paint and organise scaffolding so we could get to work on creating the first legal Graffiti mural in Lismore. While it was great, I still felt as though the mural we had created wasn’t spontaneous enough. I wanted to do something more….The Issue was we hadn’t gained approval for a second mural but as far as I was concerned, the wall was big enough for a bunch more murals so it wouldn’t hurt to have a bit more colour splashed around.
I’d decided on my idea and figured Sunday afternoon would be a good time to do it as it was unlikely that anybody would be around at that time. I got to work and let my creative self take over finishing the work within a 30min period. As I stood back to analyse my creation I heard a young woman’s voice call out to me…”Are you the guy that painted the mural?”. Feeling as though I’d been caught I said “yeah…that one” pointing toward the sponsored work that wasn’t yet finished. She was holding a camera and while pointing it at me said: “Do you mind if I take a couple of shots for the local newspaper?”. She took a couple of snaps in front of the wall then I didn’t think much of it. The next day, I was shocked when my mum pointed out a large colour photo of me in the newspaper standing in front of the mural that I’d painted hoping nobody would notice. How wrong I was!
Photo of me in 1999 standing in front of my freshly painted mural.
This is a front-on photo of the finished artwork. The blue writing spells change is if it were melting wax. At the time I was exploring change as the desired outcome as opposed to fear, or stagnant expression.
Technically, the artwork I’d created that Sunday afternoon was illegal but it didn’t matter, within weeks the wall was covered in artworks from numerous artists that now had an opportunity to express their creative intelligence without fear of repercussion. It became a catalyst for unleashing the creative potential for so many others and that’s what I love about honest, spontaneous, creative expression.
Why am I sharing this?
When James asked me to share something about myself that people wouldn’t already know, it jogged my memory about an important aspect of who I am. The art was one element of what was important but the other element was creating a platform for others to express themselves honestly. When I shared my artistic past with James he said: “I always knew there was something creative bubbling away under the surface with you”. I think it’s a shame that I suppressed this part of who I am but am thankful that James unearthed it for me during our chat. I reckon those parts of ourselves that we don’t share because they don’t quite fit with your audience, or they aren’t ‘professional’ are the best bits of us. They are reflective of who we ‘really’ are. It’s these aspects of us that create our identity and enable us to relate in powerful ways to one another. This to me is what creative intelligence is all about.
My Challenge to you
What’s the part of yourself that you’ve hidden away, forgotten about or lost touch with? I want you to take some time this week to reflect on your creative intelligence and what it is. What would it take to bring that back into your world? For me, I thought I’d killed my creative self off but it was less about the art for me and more about the facilitation of honest expression. I write regularly about the importance of expression in leadership and in life. Like I did all those years ago, I hope the questions I pose, the stories I share and the insights I have, all serve you to tap into your creative intelligence and start expressing yourself, fully, honestly, without fear of repercussion.
WANT HELP BUILDING TRUST IN YOUR TEAM?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Toxic Triangles: Why your team keeps failing
When the team was at its worst and I was contemplating my next step, a conversation I’d had with a mentor a few years earlier sprang to mind. I had been explaining to him my challenges with one of my colleagues which most likely sounded like me having a ‘bitch session’. I could see he was growing tired of the conversation so he cut me off by asking “Has this colleague of yours given you a license?”…I replied, “Ummm…sorry, not sure what you mean”. He then said, “The way you are speaking about them, it’s as if they’ve given you a license to talk shit about them”. Realising what he was getting at I said “Yeah…but I’m not sure they are willing to listen to some of my challenges…and it would just turn into an argument anyway”. He replied with “It doesn’t matter, unless you’ve earned your license by having the conversation with them first, bitching and talking crap about each other is toxic for the culture…you’ve got to cut it out”. I was taken aback, I’d never really considered myself to be the bitching type before, but he was right. For the next couple of days, I got really conscious of my behaviour and I noticed how many conversations I was having that I was ‘unlicensed’ to have. I felt terrible, I had unwittingly been part of creating a toxic culture. Having recalled that lesson, here I was again, caught up in a toxic culture where people were talking about each other, not to each other.
Like millions of people, I’ve been fully engaged in the Netflix series ‘The last dance’ featuring the golden years of the Chicago bulls with Jordan, Pippen and Rodman. I was particularly taken by Phil Jackson and his unorthodox coaching style, so much so that I’ve just finished reading his book ‘11 rings’ detailing how he led the Bulls and Lakers to six and five NBA championships respectively. There are so many great leadership principles that Phil references, most of which are based on Zen Buddhist practices. Above all, his efforts aim to create a winning team through moving them to what he calls a stage 5 team which represents “life is great” and the players are moving beyond playing to win but playing for the pure joy of the game.
The Triangle Offence
From a strategic perspective, Phil utilised the ‘Triangle offence’ as a powerful way for the team to score points in an unpredictable, creative and often improvised way. One of the challenges with implementing this strategy is that players often need to sacrifice their own ambition to be the best individual performer in favour of the team’s success. In other words, they need to play as a team, not as a group that are all aiming to get the ball to the best player on the team. When coaching extremely competitive and stupendously gifted players such as Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant, this was a significant challenge but Phil Jackson helped both players grow as leaders by trusting their teammates and being more selfless with the ball.
A great team
While I don’t pretend to be an expert in basketball strategy and was only a lukewarm fan at best, I love leadership, team effectiveness and culture so couldn’t help but make a connection with how Phil Jackson masterfully coaches teams to success and what great business leaders do. I cast my mind back to a team that I was working in that felt like (I can only imagine) the 1998 Chicago Bulls. Everything worked like clockwork, we were connected, we trusted one another, and we were really successful. Like any team, there was conflict but it was healthy conflict, the sort of conflict that you can have knowing that people won’t take it as a personal attack but see it as a commitment to the success of the team.
A horrible team
In contrast, I can also recall being on a team that had loads of individual talent and should have been extremely effective but failed to get results due to the absence of trust. In Patrick Lencioni’s ‘Five dysfunctions of a team’, he references the absence of trust as the foundation for the team to be able to achieve results. If the team doesn’t trust one another, everything else falls apart. In this particular team, the trust had eroded so much that team members were speaking poorly about one another to anyone that would listen. The worst perpetrator of the team was none other than the manager! It was clear that the manager had the best of intentions when speaking with the team. The idea was to build trust by bringing each of them into the ‘circle’ so to speak. For a moment, team members felt special (me included) when our manager pulled us aside to confide in us about all the gossip. However, this behaviour created a toxic environment fueled by secret squirrel conversations that served nobody and prevented the team from being effective.
Creating a toxic culture
When the team was at its worst and I was contemplating my next step, a conversation I’d had with a mentor a few years earlier sprang to mind. I had been explaining to him my challenges with one of my colleagues which most likely sounded like me having a ‘bitch session’. I could see he was growing tired of the conversation so he cut me off by asking “Has this colleague of yours given you a license?”…I replied, “Ummm…sorry, not sure what you mean”. He then said, “The way you are speaking about them, it’s as if they’ve given you a license to talk shit about them”. Realising what he was getting at I said “Yeah…but I’m not sure they are willing to listen to some of my challenges…and it would just turn into an argument anyway”. He replied with “It doesn’t matter, unless you’ve earned your license by having the conversation with them first, bitching and talking crap about each other is toxic for the culture…you’ve got to cut it out”. I was taken aback, I’d never really considered myself to be the bitching type before, but he was right. For the next couple of days, I got really conscious of my behaviour and I noticed how many conversations I was having that I was ‘unlicensed’ to have. I felt terrible, I had unwittingly been part of creating a toxic culture. Having recalled that lesson, here I was again, caught up in a toxic culture where people were talking about each other, not to each other.
No triangles
While Phil Jackson used the triangle offence to lead the team to success, I later learned of the ‘No triangles’ strategy to ensure you engage your team and build a high trust culture. It’s as simple and as elegant as the strategy used by Phil Jackson to win 11 championships but it takes hard work, discipline and a commitment from each team member to put aside their personal ambitions in favour of the team. In case you haven’t heard of the ‘No Triangles offence’ it’s really simple. If you’re going to say something about someone, you say it to their face. This goes for both positive and negative comments. Talking crap about people behind their back, using your 1:1 time with your manager to raise issues about another team member, spending time discussing a colleague with other members of your team….not OK.
Fig 1. Toxic Triangle in a team context
For example in fig 1. Employee 1 takes offence to something that employee 2 said to them following a team meeting. Rather than address this directly, employee 1 decides to raise it with their manager. The manager takes on the feedback from employee 1 and feels a responsibility to raise the issue with employee 2. Following the conversation with the manager, employee 2 feels misunderstood and betrayed by employee 1 which makes reconciliation even more difficult.
The number of times I’ve seen this ‘Toxic Triangle’ play out in the workforce is ridiculous and I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of Toxic Triangles too! The above example is just one way it can occur, there are many different examples of how this could play out within a team or organisation. However, there are two truths that always remain.
The toxic triangle is caused by people not speaking with each other directly.
Regardless of how skilled you are, it always ends in tears.
From Toxic to Trust triangles
To solve the problem, I’d like to suggest that we change the mantra from ‘No Triangles’ to ‘No Toxic Triangles’ and here’s why. Having been caught up in these triangles before, it’s really hard not to engage in social grooming, a basic human instinct that is hardwired into us (See Andrew O’Keeffe’s Hardwired Humans for more on this). However, I think it’s possible with the right sort of commitment to the system, that each team member can seek to create ‘Trust triangles’. The rules are really simple.
Fig 2. Trust Triangle in a team context
Using our previous example, we can see in Fig 2 that when employee 1 had an issue with employee 2, they addressed it with them on the spot. They still didn’t feel satisfied with the situation so they raised the issue with their manager. The manager then had a coaching conversation with employee 1 as to how they could seek to gain more resolve with employee 2. Employee 2 decided to raise the challenges with the manager who openly shared that they were aware of the issue and provided further coaching on how best to resolve their differences. Employee 1 and employee 2 had further discussion about their differences and what they will agree to do differently. Like the toxic triangle, there are two truths about the trust triangle that will always remain.
The trust triangle facilitates dialogue by speaking directly to one another, not about one another.
While conflict may occur and a resolution may not be possible, the trust will be reinforced through the system.
Using this simple and effective system, you too can aim to build strong engaged teams that are built on a foundation of high trust, open dialogue, and a willingness to have tough conversations. Are you in a toxic triangle right now? How could you facilitate dialogue that creates more direct communication that builds trust?
References
O’keeffe, A., (2011). HARDWIRED HUMANS. Australia: Roundtable Press.
Jackson, P., & Delehanty, H., (2014). Eleven Rings. LONDON: Penguin Random House UK.
Lencioni, P., (2002). The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A leadership Fable. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
WANT HELP BUILDING TRUST IN YOUR TEAM?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Taking the F'ire' out of your feedback
With such massive disruption to the normal flow of work, it’s likely that some of the less ‘urgent’ tasks have taken a back seat over the past few months while the world has been reeling with the spread of COVID-19 and subsequent economic fallout. One of these ‘non-urgent’ but ‘important’ tasks is providing feedback on performance, particularly when performance isn’t aligned with expectations.
With such massive disruption to the normal flow of work, it’s likely that some of the less ‘urgent’ tasks have taken a back seat over the past few months while the world has been reeling with the spread of COVID-19 and subsequent economic fallout. One of these ‘non-urgent’ but ‘important’ tasks is providing feedback on performance, particularly when performance isn’t aligned with expectations.
Delivering performance feedback is more art than science and as I’m sure you’ll agree…some people are better at art than others! However, to be an accomplished artist, first, you must learn the necessary skills of your craft before you can fully and freely express yourself. Herein lies the distinction between an amateur splashing some paint on the canvas and a master carefully building depth to the work, layer by layer.
Receiving the message
When it comes to tough messages, I’ve been on the receiving end of some very poorly delivered feedback but also had my fair share of feedback that was brilliantly expressed. The worst feedback session I ever experienced was so brutally and venomously delivered I had to instantly write it down so I didn’t have to hold the negativity in my head. I held onto that piece of paper for about 6 months and eventually ceremoniously burned it when that leader left the organisation. I won’t repeat what was shared as it was cruel, cutting and borderline psychopathic. However, underneath all of the emotion and toxicity with which it was transmitted, there was no beating around the bush, the overarching message was clear and it led to a change in behaviour….mainly avoidance….but change nonetheless.
In contrast, I’ve also experienced tough feedback about my performance that was delivered so beautifully that I felt empowered and inspired to lift my game. The honesty was so refreshing that, despite the message being difficult to hear, it enabled clear action to take place immediately. Upon reflection, both leaders that delivered the feedback were highly experienced and respected. They had undoubtedly delivered tough feedback thousands of times before so what made the first scenario so horrible and the second scenario so great? The emotional fire that was fueling the conversation.
Focus on the facts not the ‘ire’
In the book ‘Truth at work’, Mark Murphy details a model for delivering tough messages that takes the emotion out of the conversation to enable an honest and productive conversation to unfold. He uses the acronym F.I.R.E which spells out the following.
Facts - What happened? What is observable? If you watched back a video recording, what would you see?
Interpretations - What are you making it mean? What dots are you connecting?
Reactions - What is your response? What is happening emotionally and physically?
Ends - What is the outcome you/they want?
Mark explains that most of the messages we deliver or receive are sparsely made up of facts and overwhelmingly filled with ire, the result, of course, leads to a poorly delivered message which most likely leads to resistance or rejection from the receiver. Using the fire model, you can evaluate a message you plan on delivering to see if you can reduce the ‘heat’ by minimising the ‘ire’. Have a go and you’ll be surprised at just how much emotion is blocking your ability to see a different perspective.
What NOT to do
When delivering ‘truth’ filled messages, I’m a strong believer in making certain that you communicate a message that is direct and compassionate. There is nothing worse than someone starting a feedback session with “So this isn’t my opinion but others have said that….” Or even worse “people think that you…..” All this does is create resistance and aside from that ….it’s just plain gutless of the person delivering the message. Too often, I see people fall into the trap of giving feedback that is ‘what the receiver wants to hear’ or ‘what the receiver needs to hear’ or sometimes ‘the cold hard truth’. Having tested all of these, I can tell you that none of them works well.
What you CAN do
The most powerful message is one that aligns directly with ‘what you, as the deliverer of the message, need to share’. Having had clients test this model, they like it and agree with it….it’s just really hard to do. When it comes to the moment of delivering the feedback it can come out backwards or emotional and end up being a big mess. That’s where I reckon Mark Murphy is onto something with his fire model. Once you’ve formulated what it is you need to share with someone (an honest and compassionate message) test it out with the fire model to see how much of it is based on facts or is driven by ‘ire’ or emotion.
Time to lead
As much as delivering feedback on performance -especially when it’s poor- is a loathsome task, if you’re a manager or leader, you need to be a master of your craft. If there’s a single skill that differentiates a great manager and leader from the rest, I’d argue it’s their ability to deliver a tough message with finesse and integrity. The truth is, regardless of how good the performance of your team is, the need to deliver tough messages will always be there. This is as true for your high performers as it is for your low performers but none more so than for yourself.
References
Murphy, M. (2017). Truth At Work: The Science of Delivering Tough Messages. New York: McGraw Hill Professional.
WANT help crafting your messages?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
How coachable are you?
My coach then said to me…”That’s because you’re not coachable….how can you coach somebody when they think they already know everything?” In shock, I didn’t have a reply at the moment….my first thought was “You’re not allowed to say that…you’re my coach! Aren’t you meant to make me feel good about myself or something?”.
When I first started my career, I had a strong bias toward data. While you might think this is a good thing, it came at the expense of openness, intuition, curiosity, depth and learning. My training as a Psychologist was such that I felt that all truth was contained within the data, but I was thinking small. I had indeed convinced myself that if the data had not been captured and converted into numbers, then it was not relevant. I recall the first time that somebody coached me around my strengths.
It may shock some of you (especially my clients) but I was quite sceptical about the validity of coaching process and thought that it might be like going to see a clairvoyant or some other form of a psychic healer. I recall sitting back in my chair waiting to be ‘coached’ with an arrogance about me that I feel ashamed to reflect upon. Throughout the session, I was completely judgemental of my coach, literally rejecting all of what was being shared…and that was only the first 10mins. Very quickly, my coach realised that they weren’t getting very far with me and asked “Why are we here Joe? What do you want to get out of our time together?”. I wasn’t sure how to answer the question, other than saying something expected like “I’d like to understand how I can use my strengths more”. The session bumbled on and didn’t lead me to any insights or epiphanies.
Right at the end of the session, my coach asked me what insights I’d taken from our session. When I replied with “Not really…there wasn’t anything that came up that I didn’t already know”. My coach then said to me…”That’s because you’re not coachable….how can you coach somebody when they think they already know everything”. In shock, I didn’t have a reply at the moment….my first thought was “You’re not allowed to say that…you’re my coach! Aren’t you meant to make me feel good about myself or something?”.
Interestingly, that first coaching conversation was probably one of the best sessions I’ve ever had as it challenged me to reflect on how I was showing up. I saw myself as an open and curious thinker that valued people and insight above all else. I enjoyed intelligent discussions, being challenged and brainstorming ideas. What my coach was saying, completely contradicted everything I wanted to be and who I thought I was. What hurt the most, was that my coach was right! I wasn’t coachable and it was preventing me from experiencing everything I desired. Like most people, I didn’t like feeling vulnerable, threatened or stupid and for me admitting that I didn’t know something was the ultimate trifecta. I had this weird hang-up about not being smart enough so I spent all of my time making sure I ‘knew’ everything. Of course, knowing everything is impossible so what happens is your world becomes smaller and smaller. Your fear of being vulnerable becomes so overpowering that you create a shield of knowledge around yourself, constantly reinforcing it with the same knowledge or areas of expertise.
It’s rather ironic that my primary profession became a coaching psychologist and one of my favourite areas of discussion is about vulnerability. Researchers such as Brene Brown have invested their whole careers trying to understand vulnerability and how it works. What makes Brene Brown’s work so compelling is that she personifies it. In her my famous TED talk to date, she shared her vulnerability to communicate her research. There is no better way to demonstrate vulnerability than to be vulnerable.
How can you increase your coachability?
That first coaching experience that I had shook me up and awakened me to a truth that I needed to hear. It has also helped me identify that to get the most value from your coach you need to drop your guard and be vulnerable. The following represent some basic patterns you can introduce into your world to get the most out of coaching.
1) Be open: This might seem obvious and if you’d ask someone directly if they were open, most likely they will say ‘yes, of course, I’m open’. Your personality is likely to play a role in how open you are so if you like change, variety, and like to be challenged intellectually you will most likely be on the more ‘openminded’ end of the spectrum. If however, you are more conservative, change-averse, and prefer more pragmatic or practical discussion, you are on the more ‘closed-minded’ end of the spectrum. Regardless of your personality type, you will get more out of the coaching if you are open to being challenged, to see different perspectives, and want to continue to change/develop who you are.
2) Be curious: For coaching to work for you, you’ll need to bring a healthy dose of curiosity to the sessions. This looks like you asking questions, challenging your coach and most of all, challenging yourself. I great practice to get into is to start framing your questions (to yourself and others) with “I’m curious about…” or “I’m curious as to why…”. By increasing your curiosity you will naturally glean more insight from your coaching sessions.
3) Be willing to learn: For you to learn something, the first step is to accept that you do not already know the answer. If you already know everything, there is nothing to learn. Don’t confuse learning with fun either, sometimes the greatest lessons are delivered through the toughest challenges. As any teacher knows, the learning your student experiences are proportional to their willingness to engage.
The Coach
If your coach doesn’t appear to embody the coachability traits (Openness, Curiosity and Willingness to learn) then you might want to find another coach. Any great coach I know (and I know a lot) is a committed lifelong learner, willing to be challenged about anything…especially what they think they know. If you conversations are feeling one-sided or you aren’t getting what you need, before you throw the baby out with the bathwater, raise it with your coach so you can both work on the flow of your sessions. Like any relationship, you’ll need to find your point of connection to make it work. One final thought, there conversations that you have in everyday life that are coaching opportunities (to be coached and to coach). I’d encourage you to increase your awareness of these opportunities to speed up your progress.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
The Truth Hurts: Moving out of Blissful Ignorance
‘Truth’, is something that philosophers and psychologists have been debating for millennia and will most likely still be debating it for millennia to come. I too have been seduced by the concept of truth for my whole life…particularly the paradox of truth. By this I mean, how being honest or truthful often translates into the end of a relationship, conflict at work, or an identity crisis, or the uncovering of something you wish you could unlearn! If being honest or truthful carries with it the foundation of integrity, why does it lead to so much challenge? The answer, which I believe to be true (see what I did there!), lies in perspective.
‘Truth’, is something that philosophers and psychologists have been debating for millennia and will most likely still be debating it for millennia to come. I too have been seduced by the concept of truth for my whole life…particularly the paradox of truth. By this I mean, how being honest or truthful often translates into the end of a relationship, conflict at work, or an identity crisis, or the uncovering of something you wish you could unlearn! If being honest or truthful carries with it the foundation of integrity, why does it lead to so much challenge? The answer, which I believe to be true (see what I did there!), lies in perspective.
For example, self-awareness is characterised as one’s ability to align actions with one’s own internal values or standards. Additionally, someone who is highly self-aware will be able to objectively evaluate themselves and correctly understand how they are perceived by others. Based on the above definition, I want you to rate yourself using the following scale. See fig 1.
Fig 1. Self Awareness Scale. Please rate yourself on a scale of 0 to 10 using the statements on either end of the scale to guide your responses. To calculate your overall Self Awareness, simply average all ratings out of 10.
Without knowing you, your aspirations, values, personality type, sexual preferences or IQ, I can confidently assume that your self-rating landed between 5 and 8 out of 10. The reason for this is due to a cognitive bias explained by the Dunning-Kruger effect. This is the tendency to overestimate our ability particularly when our ability is low. This can show up in all areas of our lives like our driving, intelligence, athleticism, and attractiveness just to name a few. Our ability to see ourselves in truth i.e. our actual ability, capability, intelligence, athleticism or awareness is masked by our cognitive biases. While having an inflated sense of your ability to sing or play tennis on the weekend comes with very little consequence for our success in life (unless you’ve chosen to be a professional singer or tennis player) there are other areas where the impact on results come at a far greater cost.
In the context of leadership, be it self-leadership, team leadership or leading an entire organisation, self-awareness is a critical ability for any leader to master. Moreover, self-awareness is arguably one of the most important skills for anyone to master regardless of their leadership level. In my work with people as an Organisational Psychologist, there are three questions I’ve spent much of my working life trying to answer. 1) What makes some people more self-aware than others? 2) Is it possible for anyone to enhance their self-awareness or become more self-aware? 3) Does increasing a person’s self-awareness translate to positive results in a business context?
The answer, thus far, to the first two questions comes down to a person’s ability to acquire, accept, and actualise feedback. While there are differences in self-awareness based on IQ and personality factors, the differences are not meaningful. Through experience, we gain or lose confidence which tends to affect our level of self-awareness. If we show up with an inflated sense of confidence, our actual ability won’t correlate (blissfully ignorant). Conversely, if we have a wealth of experience our confidence will likely be high and correlate significantly with our actual ability (Consciously masterful). See fig 2.
Fig 2. The relationship between Confidence and Actual Performance. Joe Hart 2020.
The process of maintaining or developing a supreme level of self-awareness requires the same three components. 1) To acquire feedback from those you deal with. 2) Accept the feedback as a valid perspective to be considered. 3) To put into action or Actualise the feedback you have received. While this three-part formula appears intuitive and simple, don’t be deceived. Each component requires large doses of curiosity, humility, and courage. We all like to think we are better than we are and to be honest, it’s an ego affirming state-of-mind. I’ve often had challenging conversations with leaders followed by them stating “thanks for letting me know…but I think I preferred being blissfully ignorant”. I too have personally faced the dilemma of gaining self-awareness to only create a desire to turn the clock back to revert to blissful ignorance. The reason why blissful ignorance is so appealing is that it takes no effort, it feeds on our laziness and reinforces that we don’t need to do anything. Equally, conscious mastery can only be achieved through a relentlessly iterative process of lessons learned, application of knowledge, experimentation and above all…hard work. Given the choice, most people will opt for the chronic but bearable dull ache that comes with never achieving one’s potential rather than the acutely painful experiences that equate to personal growth. What’s more interesting is if asked what’s more important, most people will acknowledge that personal growth rates higher on the life fulfilment scale than coasting through life without significant challenge. On this last point, we can begin to answer the third question; Does increasing self-awareness translate to positive results in a business context?
My answer is no, not by itself. I have numerous examples of people that I have coached that one could argue have increased their self-awareness remarkably over a relatively short period. Despite their new-found insight, they harboured no strong desire to accept nor actualise the feedback they had received. When this occurs, sadly but not surprisingly, their performance in a business context usually decreases. To understand this, I look at the concept of employee surveys usually run by Human Resources to provide a snapshot of how people are feeling. If the organisation seeks feedback (acquires) but does not accept or actualise the results. The response from employees is usually one of “why did I bother wasting my time doing that survey if they aren’t going to do anything”.
Applying this same insight to a leader seeking feedback to improve, if they do nothing with the feedback, those involved in providing their perspective will begin to wonder why they bothered or if the leader even wanted to change in the first place. Even more simply put, it takes more than just asking for feedback to improve. You need to do something with the perspective you are given.
What then is Truth?
Truth is found through the process of acquiring, accepting and actualising the perspective that others provide you. This true perspective you receive is only half the battle…it’s what you do with that perspective that leads to results. This same truth applies to improvement in every aspect of who we are and what we do. Whether it be a karate grading, writing a book, submitting a tender for a large piece of work, a final exam, an audition for the lead role, a job interview, or even receiving treatment for a life-threatening disease, these tests all carry the same truth. They are all hard work. They all require you to step outside of yourself and truly see yourself as you are. To grow, expand and achieve results, first requires you to see yourself the way the rest of the world sees you. Only from this ‘True Perspective’ are you able to lead with the truth.
Working with me
If you’d like to learn more about how I can help you, your team or somebody within your organisation with self-awareness, complete the form below and I’ll be in touch.
Do you know your pattern?
To know your own automatic, unconscious patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. To know your own pattern is to have what I call True perspective and it’s something you can’t achieve alone. To know your pattern is like having a map to a secret treasure that contains all the riches you’d ever need. Indeed, knowing your pattern is the greatest gift you’ll ever receive, should you be willing to receive it. Sometimes, we may think we are aware of our patterns where in fact, we are just observing the familiar outcomes associated with them. Below are a couple of frequently occurring examples of people focussing on the undesirable outcome, not the pattern that underpins how they got there.
If I was to ask you above all else, what’s the most important thing you want to know about yourself…what would you say? Take a moment right now to reflect on an answer. The truth is, most people don’t know how to answer this question and simply say “I don’t know”.
Having asked this question of hundreds of leaders I’ve observed that with a little bit of thought, it’s not hard to come up with an answer. Some of the most common answers people give are:
“to know if I’m leadership material”
“to know if I have what it takes”
“to know how people ‘really’ perceive me”
“to know why I react in certain ways to certain people or events”
“to know that I’m making a difference”
“to know that I’m not a complete idiot or waste of time”
The common thread linking the above answers is to know that which you yourself cannot see. To know your own automatic, unconscious patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. To know your own pattern is to have what I call True perspective and it’s something you can’t achieve alone. To know your pattern is like having a map to a secret treasure that contains all the riches you’d ever need. Indeed, knowing your pattern is the greatest gift you’ll ever receive, should you be willing to receive it. Sometimes, we may think we are aware of our patterns where in fact, we are just observing the familiar outcomes associated with them. Below are a couple of frequently occurring examples of people focussing on the undesirable outcome, not the pattern that underpins how they got there.
Example 1: The leader that believes that their team is not delivering to level that they expect. Their assumption is that they have the wrong people in the team. Their pattern, however, is to not clearly articulate what they expect from their team and each member within it. Without clear expectations, the staff become confused, misaligned, and reactive. Dysfunction follows, fears sets in, team members are let-go and the cycle continues when new people come on board.
Example 2: The team member that is overworked, doesn’t have any time for themselves and is constantly annoyed by the lack of support they receive from their colleagues. Their frustration builds up over time when they see their colleagues swan in and out of work without the same level of pressure they feel. Unable to contain their frustration they experience a ‘meltdown’ resulting in a sick day, serial ‘venting’ to their partner, a trusted colleague or worse, their boss. They assume that the problem is that other people are not taking their load of responsibility resulting in the pressure they feel. In reality, they are extremely poor delegators and fear to let go of projects. Their fear is due to a pattern of feeling undervalued so they combat this fear by taking on more work to demonstrate their capability.
Example 3: The executive that ‘knows’ what’s right for the business but nobody will listen to their solutions. Their assumption is that other people are not as smart as them so they are unable to comprehend their ideas. Believing that forcing their perspective will not be beneficial, they sit back, withdraw, and watch how things unfold. Unbeknownst to them, their pattern is one of acquiescence, the tendency to simply agree with things when in fact, they are in doubt. The enter all conversations with a bias of already ‘knowing’ the answer and if somebody challenges it through ideas, opinion or analysis, they simply withdraw. They exude superiority and hold concrete views about what is right rarely offering honesty in their discussions. As a result, their relationships remain transactional and shallow.
Whether you recognise any of these patterns in yourself or people you work with is beside the point. The point I’m making here is that our first stab at understanding what’s creating the issue, outcome or result that’s getting in our way is usually wrong. In order to get to the core of the issue and change, we need help in seeing the underlying patterns of our thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
Characteristics of a pattern
If you want to create lasting and sustainable change in your behaviour, you first need to understand the characteristics of a pattern.
According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, a pattern is defined as:
“a reliable sample of traits, acts, tendencies, or other observable characteristics of a person, group, or institution”
The Oxford online Learners Dictionary defines a pattern as:
“The regular way in which something happens or is done”
Both definitions apply to patterns of behaviour, sleeping patterns, consumer spending patterns, prevailing patterns of speech, relationship patterns and the list goes on. Having spent my whole life being part of a pattern, recognising patterns and responding to them, I’d say I’m somewhat of an expert. The good news is, so are you.
Something I’m particularly interested in is what our patterns can tell us about how we learn, especially when it comes to learning about ourselves. Self-awareness, having made an appearance in pretty much every model of leadership or emotional intelligence ever conceptualised, is arguably the most important characteristic we can ever develop. The challenge, as with most important things, we can’t do it in isolation. We need feedback on how we interpret what we are learning, the mindset we adopt before, during and after we learn but also the physical and emotional environment we create to frame our learning experience.
For those that know me or have worked with me before, you’ll know that I’m a juggler and have been doing it for more than 25 years. I’m still learning and constantly challenging myself with new juggling patterns that stretch my capabilities both physically and mentally. Over the last 25 years, I’ve distilled the core characteristics of patterns (fundamental to learning how to juggle) down to the following four keys. These keys can be applied to any behavioural change you are trying to make at work or in your personal life.
1) Patterns are infinite: In a standard juggling pattern, the balls all follow a continuous flow that resembles an infinity sign. As long as you keep throwing the balls with the correct trajectory and rhythm, you will be able to juggle indefinitely. Applying this to leadership, parenting or life, our patterns (both good and bad) will continue infinitely without intervention.
2) Patterns are changeable: Following on from the first pattern, while infinitely recurring, all patterns are changeable and malleable. Using Juggling as an example, the way in which you manipulate the balls through the air is only limited by your imagination, capability and physics. Everything we do, think and feel is changeable should we have the courage, desire and tenacity to change it. The brain itself is a map of all behaviours enabling us to speak, plan, move, see and hear. If a certain part of the brain is damaged, such as that which enables us to speak, we will struggle to communicate verbally. However, due to neuroplasticity, the brain is able to change the pattern associated with speaking and use other parts of the brain to complete that task. This is an extremely simplistic example, but indeed, if our brains are able to fundamentally change how neurons are connected and organised to complete complex tasks such as speaking, we can change any behaviour.
3) Patterns are learnable: If I was to place five balls in your hand and ask you to juggle them unless you’d previously learned how to do it, you wouldn’t know where to start. You may not even be able to imagine what juggling five balls even looks like, or that it’s even possible! If however, I taught you sequentially how to juggle one, two, and three balls you’d easily understand how to juggle five balls based on the patterns you’ve already learned. You’re applying the framework from a simpler task to a more difficult one. Knowing that patterns are both changeable and learnable should provide you with the confidence and knowledge to keep developing yourself.
4) Patterns are disguised: Our patterns are so natural, so seamless, so automatic that until we are made aware, they are disguised to us. It’s very difficult to lift the vale on our patterns without any external feedback from other people that know us. Even once we are made aware, without actively working on learning new patterns or changing existing ones, we will quickly revert to our well-practised patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. In this way, the disguise contributes to the infinite nature of our patterns. Similarly, we can wrongly attribute lost relationships, a breakdown in communication, poor performance at work, or a dysfunctional team to issues external to us, where in fact it is our own pattern creating all the issues, we just can’t see what is blindingly obvious to those around us.
For anyone wanting to test their co-ordination, stretch their brain and learn something new, check out my juggling tutorial on Youtube for some basic lessons to get you going.
Why should you understand your pattern?
When it comes to how you think, feel, and behave, your patterns are the single biggest influencing factor shaping everything you do. It, therefore, makes total sense why you should know your pattern so you can better interpret what happens, engage more effectively with your environment, and sustain a mindset that is positive and focussed.
We all know how important it is to focus on forming good habits, and I too follow this line of thinking. Having recently read James Clear’s Atomic Habits and Brendon Burchard’s High-performance Habits, it’s clear that our fascination with building good habits and breaking bad ones is here to stay. Here’s where I think it gets a little tricky. I may go through the process of establishing a really strong habit of going to the gym, which after 66 days has become part of my identity. I continue going to the gym and getting stronger, leaner, and fitter. If however, I have an overarching pattern of self-sabotage that is disguised to me, I’ll create these unconscious challenges that start to erode my ability to maintain my habit of going to the Gym. Some examples of these could be;
Creating a challenging relationship at work such that my performance is hindered, I will have to work extra hours to make up for it and don’t have time to train at the gym.
Allow myself to eat ‘whatever I want’ which has a negative impact on my health and physical performance making it difficult to keep training at the gym.
Keep pushing beyond my limits physically resulting in overtraining or injury, preventing me from training at all.
Focus all my emotional effort on everybody else’s issues (friends, family, partner etc.) leaving me with no time left to train. Because I was sacrificing myself for others people feel sorry for me and understand why I stopped training at the gym.
While these may or may not be entirely applicable to you, we all have patterns that we follow. These patterns are often invisible to us and therefore dominate how we respond, think about, reflect upon and engage with our environment. Habits are transactions where are patterns represent the bank balance. Some of our patterns are good, some are bad, and some are just plain ugly. Learning how to see them and doing something to change them is what makes all the difference.
How do I see my own pattern?
It’s not easy, and you may not like what you see, but the best way I know is to ask people (about 6-8 should be enough). It can be difficult to have the conversation directly with people so you might want to ask a coach or mentor to ask on your behalf. The questions that I use are:
What are my strengths?
What are my weaknesses?
How could I improve?
What can you offer me?
What do you need from me?
What do you most want me to know?
As a starting point, these questions will give you some great insight into what your patterns might be and how they are holding you back or thrusting you forward. I’ve used this same combination of questions to provide hundreds of leaders with “True Perspective” but sadly, there are many that don’t do anything with their newfound insight. The irony is those patterns that are so well disguised that it takes a monumental shift in perspective to reveal them when we finally do see them our usual response is outright rejection.
My final word
The reason why most of us can’t answer the question “What do you most want to know about yourself?” Is because we fear seeing ourselves the way the rest of the world sees us. The truth is, that which we most fear is usually what we need the most. As we close out 2019 and welcome in 2020, take a stand to have the courage to see your own pattern, take responsibility for it, and most importantly do something to change it.