Everybody has a plan until you get hit by a truck!
As an avid martial arts fan, I was recently reminded of the brutal simplicity of Mike Tyson’s infamous quote “Everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face”. Coupled with my recent experience, I wanted to explore the concept of managing your emotions; a skill and critical element in demonstrating emotional intelligence.
As an avid martial arts fan, I was recently reminded of the brutal simplicity of Mike Tyson’s infamous quote “Everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face”. Coupled with my recent experience, I wanted to explore the concept of managing your emotions; a skill and critical element in demonstrating emotional intelligence.
A minor setback
Two Saturdays ago, I awoke early to begin the ritual of getting my kids off to their weekend sporting activities. We were on track until I tried to start the car…and the engine sadly answered with a strange grinding/clicking noise. With no time to wait for roadside assist or waste time getting angry at the fact that there might be a serious issue with the car, I kept my cool and quickly changed the plan. My wife has a car and she was about to head off to the gym so we agreed that her car would be the taxi for the day and everyone would still make it to their activities. This was a minor blip in the course of the morning, but for some, could be an opportunity to derail their entire day. While the crisis was averted, I knew I still had to organise roadside assist and figure out what was wrong with my car.
When a minor setback becomes a significant trauma
I dropped my wife off at the Gym then stopped to pick up a coffee on the way back to my son’s soccer game. At a set of traffic lights, I was sipping my coffee proudly (or perhaps arrogantly) reflecting on the ease with which I kept my emotions in check after a rather tumultuous start to the day. The light turned green so I started to make a left turn and that’s when it happened, I got hit by a truck! My coffee ended up as decoration for the upholstery and my wife’s Toyota RAV 4 came off second best, which you would expect when colliding with a 10-ton truck. Fortunately for me, because I was turning left and the truck swerved right, it was a glancing blow hence why I’m still alive and able to write about my experience. As soon as the truck hit me I knew what had happened. My first response was “What the F&!#” then I tried to figure out if I’d done something wrong…did I run a red light? “No…it was definitely green,” I said to myself. While I was rattled, I was strangely calm. Before getting out of the car to confront the truck driver and inspect the damage, I took a moment to notice my breath and gauge my heart rate. As I got out of the car and locked eyes with the truck driver, the poor guy was in shock. He was trembling with adrenaline and extremely apologetic. His thinking was scrambled and he immediately admitted that he ran the red light as he was not sure where he was going. A witness also shared their details and confirmed that the truck driver had run a red light.
Firstly, I want to reinforce that I was the only person in my car and nobody was injured in the accident - thank goodness. For the rest of the day and for the few weeks since I’ve been reflecting on how lucky I am to be able to say that I’ve been hit by a truck and am still alive to tell the tale. The second insight that struck me is how empowering it is to stay calm and present, even when faced with significant trauma or a crisis. Mike Tyson rightly points out that you can have the best strategy to win a fight but the second you get in the ring and you cop a punch to the face, your adrenaline takes over and you are at the mercy of your physiological self…A part of you that is geared toward revving you up to fight back or flee the danger all together. We all know what this feels like but it’s incredibly difficult to control when it’s happening to you. Of course, there are times when this physiological response comes in handy but it certainly isn’t useful in most modern-day situations that we face. What about being in a fight you might ask? Wouldn’t your ‘fight’ response enhance your ability to win? It’s a logical conclusion but anyone who fights regularly and skillfully knows that it’s actually wrong.
Mastering your physiological self
Following the accident, I got thinking about what enabled me to stay calm in such a challenging situation. It’s not like I’ve been hit by a truck before so I couldn’t put it down to experience. I then reflected on my ongoing training in martial arts and it dawned on me that I’ve been consistently training my body to master my physiological self. I recognised that there are some key principles that you learn in the dojo that potentially generalise to other areas of life.
When training in any martial arts, combat sports or any sports for that matter, your ability to stay calm by focussing on your breathing is critical. Once you lose your breath, your whole body gets sapped of energy. The same ideas apply to basic meditation, yoga, endurance running, swimming…and the list goes on.
The second element to any good training regime is repetition. The idea is simple. When you are in a fight, you don’t have time to ‘think’ about what you have to do. It needs to be an automatic response that you have prepared for. It’s all about trusting your body and your ability to do what needs to be done.
The third element to enable you to manage your physiological self is practising through simulation. When training in Martial Arts, this looks like loads of sparring with people that are better than you. It’s hard, it’s challenging, it’s sometimes demoralising but it certainly simulates what a fight feels like and enables you to practice your ability to focus under pressure.
These three areas of foundational training set you up for success when you have to face a situation that requires you to fight. Of course, we don’t want to go out looking for a fight but in the event that we have to, we want to know that we are ready and able. Leadership guru Stephen Covey refers to this as ‘Sharpening the saw’. My conclusion from all of this is it seems that training in martial arts not only prepares you to fight but also prepares you to manage your emotions when facing any sort of trauma.
What does this mean for leadership and life?
When thinking about leadership and life in general, you are likely to face significant challenges or mild ‘trauma’ regularly. One could even classify COVID-19 and the impact it has had on the world as similar to being hit by a truck or punched in the face. It pretty much came out of nowhere and it’s the sort of thing most people wouldn’t spend time planning for. As a leader of your life, regardless of what drives you, your strengths, your capability, or your good intentions…All of these things get overshadowed by one thing; your ability to keep your cool when you are facing a crisis. Once you let your physiological self take over, you’re certain to show up in a way that isn’t aligned with how you want people to experience you. Controlling our breath, practising behaviour that grounds us or centres us and simulating challenging situations (through coaching and mentoring) will enable you to master your physiological self. Over time, you’ll be able to gain a deeper awareness and make more conscious decisions to respond in times of crisis…a capability every leader should aspire to develop.
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Are you looking for support with mastering your physiological self? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
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I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Taking the F'ire' out of your feedback
With such massive disruption to the normal flow of work, it’s likely that some of the less ‘urgent’ tasks have taken a back seat over the past few months while the world has been reeling with the spread of COVID-19 and subsequent economic fallout. One of these ‘non-urgent’ but ‘important’ tasks is providing feedback on performance, particularly when performance isn’t aligned with expectations.
With such massive disruption to the normal flow of work, it’s likely that some of the less ‘urgent’ tasks have taken a back seat over the past few months while the world has been reeling with the spread of COVID-19 and subsequent economic fallout. One of these ‘non-urgent’ but ‘important’ tasks is providing feedback on performance, particularly when performance isn’t aligned with expectations.
Delivering performance feedback is more art than science and as I’m sure you’ll agree…some people are better at art than others! However, to be an accomplished artist, first, you must learn the necessary skills of your craft before you can fully and freely express yourself. Herein lies the distinction between an amateur splashing some paint on the canvas and a master carefully building depth to the work, layer by layer.
Receiving the message
When it comes to tough messages, I’ve been on the receiving end of some very poorly delivered feedback but also had my fair share of feedback that was brilliantly expressed. The worst feedback session I ever experienced was so brutally and venomously delivered I had to instantly write it down so I didn’t have to hold the negativity in my head. I held onto that piece of paper for about 6 months and eventually ceremoniously burned it when that leader left the organisation. I won’t repeat what was shared as it was cruel, cutting and borderline psychopathic. However, underneath all of the emotion and toxicity with which it was transmitted, there was no beating around the bush, the overarching message was clear and it led to a change in behaviour….mainly avoidance….but change nonetheless.
In contrast, I’ve also experienced tough feedback about my performance that was delivered so beautifully that I felt empowered and inspired to lift my game. The honesty was so refreshing that, despite the message being difficult to hear, it enabled clear action to take place immediately. Upon reflection, both leaders that delivered the feedback were highly experienced and respected. They had undoubtedly delivered tough feedback thousands of times before so what made the first scenario so horrible and the second scenario so great? The emotional fire that was fueling the conversation.
Focus on the facts not the ‘ire’
In the book ‘Truth at work’, Mark Murphy details a model for delivering tough messages that takes the emotion out of the conversation to enable an honest and productive conversation to unfold. He uses the acronym F.I.R.E which spells out the following.
Facts - What happened? What is observable? If you watched back a video recording, what would you see?
Interpretations - What are you making it mean? What dots are you connecting?
Reactions - What is your response? What is happening emotionally and physically?
Ends - What is the outcome you/they want?
Mark explains that most of the messages we deliver or receive are sparsely made up of facts and overwhelmingly filled with ire, the result, of course, leads to a poorly delivered message which most likely leads to resistance or rejection from the receiver. Using the fire model, you can evaluate a message you plan on delivering to see if you can reduce the ‘heat’ by minimising the ‘ire’. Have a go and you’ll be surprised at just how much emotion is blocking your ability to see a different perspective.
What NOT to do
When delivering ‘truth’ filled messages, I’m a strong believer in making certain that you communicate a message that is direct and compassionate. There is nothing worse than someone starting a feedback session with “So this isn’t my opinion but others have said that….” Or even worse “people think that you…..” All this does is create resistance and aside from that ….it’s just plain gutless of the person delivering the message. Too often, I see people fall into the trap of giving feedback that is ‘what the receiver wants to hear’ or ‘what the receiver needs to hear’ or sometimes ‘the cold hard truth’. Having tested all of these, I can tell you that none of them works well.
What you CAN do
The most powerful message is one that aligns directly with ‘what you, as the deliverer of the message, need to share’. Having had clients test this model, they like it and agree with it….it’s just really hard to do. When it comes to the moment of delivering the feedback it can come out backwards or emotional and end up being a big mess. That’s where I reckon Mark Murphy is onto something with his fire model. Once you’ve formulated what it is you need to share with someone (an honest and compassionate message) test it out with the fire model to see how much of it is based on facts or is driven by ‘ire’ or emotion.
Time to lead
As much as delivering feedback on performance -especially when it’s poor- is a loathsome task, if you’re a manager or leader, you need to be a master of your craft. If there’s a single skill that differentiates a great manager and leader from the rest, I’d argue it’s their ability to deliver a tough message with finesse and integrity. The truth is, regardless of how good the performance of your team is, the need to deliver tough messages will always be there. This is as true for your high performers as it is for your low performers but none more so than for yourself.
References
Murphy, M. (2017). Truth At Work: The Science of Delivering Tough Messages. New York: McGraw Hill Professional.
WANT help crafting your messages?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Pattern Recognition: Helpful or Harmful?
Like it or not, much of our behaviour can be explained by instincts or as Google defines it, our “natural or intuitive way of acting or thinking.” Indeed, instincts are a type of pattern that is built into us, hardcoded if you will. These include sexual desire and attraction, hunger and the assimilation of food, the dizzy feeling you have when looking over the edge of an extremely high building or cliff, and the strange sensation you get when someone doesn’t quite seem right or appears to be lying to you.
Like it or not, much of our behaviour can be explained by instincts or as Google defines it, our “natural or intuitive way of acting or thinking.” Indeed, instincts are a type of pattern that is built into us, hardcoded if you will. These include sexual desire and attraction, hunger and the assimilation of food, the dizzy feeling you have when looking over the edge of an extremely high building or cliff, and the strange sensation you get when someone doesn’t quite seem right or appears to be lying to you.
In fact, today, as I was sitting at my desk I noticed a man dressed in high vis gear while talking on his phone walking down my driveway. As soon as he spotted me sitting in my office staring back at him, he quickly turned around and walked back up the driveway. At first glance, this could be disregarded as someone that got the wrong address or a trade worker wanting to do some maintenance. The strange thing about this guy is that he did exactly the same thing last week. While it seemed strange last week I was in the middle of a client call when it happened so I couldn’t chase him down to find out who he was and what he wanted. Today, however, I was free, so I promptly followed him up the street. He continued to have what looked like quite an animated conversation while he was walking and after about 30 metres he put his phone in his pocket, he then turned around and saw me following. Without skipping a beat, he kept walking, pulled his phone back out of his pocket and picked up with the animated conversation. By this stage, I was pretty certain this guy was up to no good and wasn’t really having a conversation with anyone. Cautious but curious, I kept following him to see if he was going to get in a car or truck….assuming he was a tradie. He got to a street corner and stopped so I kept walking. He stood with his back to me continuing to ‘talk’ on his phone for about 2mins. I waited patiently maintaining 1.5 metres of a distance of course. He put his phone away and turned to me with a steely look in his eye. I asked, “ Are you alright there mate?”. Cool as a cucumber, he said that he was waiting for a delivery and needed to figure out if the truck could turn around in our driveway. This might be a plausible explanation on a country road but not for a house that’s on a six-lane, divided road Highway such is ours! Predictably, it turned out that there was no truck, just his van that is most likely full of stolen goods from other properties he managed to successfully ‘hit’. I managed to capture a pic of his van without him noticing me and promptly reported his registration details to the police.
In the above example, it’s easy to see how my interpretation of a behavioural pattern triggered an instinctual response for me to act. Noticing patterns in behaviour, allows you to appropriately take action when you see something that doesn’t quite ‘fit’. The problem with this is, now, every time I see someone in high vis gear walk down our driveway, I’ll be more vigilant in my assessment of their intentions. In some cases, like mine, it’s probably a good thing but in others - like soldiers returning from war- it can lead to issues such as anxiety, depression or PTSD.
Pattern recognition is a powerful tool to evaluate what to do next, and in many assessments used by organisations to select candidates based on their ‘fluid intelligence’, tests of abstract reasoning examine your ability to spot patterns and determine the correct response in the sequence. In this way, correctly interpreting patterns is a huge advantage for human beings both past and present….but I’m not so sure about the future. Patterns are thought to be behaviours that have evolved to help us survive and succeed in our natural environment. While this is true for the majority of the time, our environment is changing more rapidly than our natural more intuitive ways of acting or thinking and therein lies the problem. Our environment barely resembles anything ‘natural’ anymore. We are walking around with some seriously powerful hardware in our heads (talking about our brains here) with an ever-changing environment that is becoming increasingly complex year on year. Our software (patterns and instincts) is in many ways, horribly outdated. This is the equivalent to playing the first version of space invaders on a modern PC. Unless the program has been updated and adapted to the new operating system, it simply won’t work or will be compromised at the very least.
While there are our baseline instinctual patterns that are largely automatic and often, irrelevant, the future belongs to those that can begin to write their own code, design new patterns that serve as behavioural blueprints and set the example for others. We typically know these people as ‘leaders’ in modern society but I like to think of them as ‘Pattern Programmers’ or ‘Pattern Hackers’. These people have learned the art of programming their own behaviours to meet the needs of their environment. It takes effort, discipline and tonne of self-awareness but the result is a ripple that grows exponentially along with their contributions to society. A recent example is Bill Gates, who is in my opinion, one of the greatest pattern hackers of all time. He has the ability to identify patterns in behaviour and extrapolate what that means for industries, countries and in the case of COVID-19, the world. If you haven’t already watched it, have a look at Bill’s Ted Talk from 2015 where he outlines the risk of a global pandemic and the world’s inability to respond to it appropriately.
The truth is, while not everyone will learn how to ‘write their own code’ so to speak, we are all walking around with pretty much the same hardware in our heads. It’s the programming that you do that’s going to set you apart…and like anything hard, it’s something you can learn. You’re not always going to get it right, but it’s time to evolve your ability to respond to your environment proactively because our inbuilt programming is no longer sufficient. Whether you have a suspicious character wanting to rob your house or want to be the next Bill Gates, I’m certain that if you consciously work on shaping your mindset and how you interpret your environment, you’ll be better at recognising patterns that will help you succeed.
If you’re interested in exploring your own patterns more, download my pattern recognition worksheet and send me a note if you need any help with it.
References
Bill Gates’ Ted Talk 2015 - https://www.ted.com/talks/bill_gates_the_next_outbreak_we_re_not_ready?language=en#t-128669
WANT TO EXPERIENCE COACHING?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
The war for attention: A challenge for future leaders
For decades organisations have been focussed on how to win the “War for talent”. This concept of attracting and retaining the best people for your organisation to beat the competition has been studied and written about extensively. Billions of dollars are invested by the largest organisations in the world every year to ensure they win this so-called “war”. Reason being, it’s hard to find talented people, and even harder to keep them. Before you tune-out and move onto the next story in your newsfeed let me hold your attention for a moment longer. If you want to win, stop focussing on trying to “win” new talent and start focussing on how you harness the attention of the talent you already have. A room full of highly talented people that are constantly distracted is far less productive than a room full of average people who are highly focussed.
For decades organisations have been focussed on how to win the “War for talent”. This concept of attracting and retaining the best people for your organisation to beat the competition has been studied and written about extensively. Billions of dollars are invested by the largest organisations in the world every year to ensure they win this so-called “war”. Reason being, it’s hard to find talented people, and even harder to keep them. Before you tune-out and move onto the next story in your newsfeed let me hold your attention for a moment longer. If you want to win, stop focussing on trying to “win” new talent and start focussing on how you harness the attention of the talent you already have. A room full of highly talented people that are constantly distracted is far less productive than a room full of average people who are highly focussed.
Talent vs Attention
When was the last time you recall being 100% focused on the task at hand for more than 15mins without letting your thoughts wander, your motivation wane or your frustration build? For many people, it may even be a challenge to recall the last time they spent more than 5 minutes focussing on a single task. If that’s you, then your talent is being hindered by your inability to focus your attention. In doing so, you’re not working toward your potential and denying yourself the opportunity to be happy, fulfilled and successful. When I think of attention it’s like holding a magnifying glass at an angle to catch the rays of the sun so they can concentrate intensely on a single point. When you get the angle just right, the heat becomes so focussed that it can cause wood and paper to spontaneously combust (or a few ants meet a gruesome and spectacularly fiery death). At the wrong angle, the magnifying glass does nothing to increase the intensity of the sun’s rays or worse, block the sun’s rays altogether and create a shadow! In many ways, the ability to focus your own attention is how you create a critical threshold for productivity, creativity and ultimately achieve results. The rays of the sun are reflective of talent, but without the magnifying glass focussing our attention, we can never fully generate enough energy to create fire.
Attention-deficit
We’ve all experienced having the best of intentions to finish off an important project or deliverable only to get side-tracked by a multitude of competing priorities and not follow through on what we started. Sadly, the competing priorities that steal our attention are usually our email inbox or notifications on our phone. I’ve asked thousands of people to consider what’s most important to them over the years and not one of them has ever answered with “email”, “social media” or “responding to my latest text messages”. Despite this, many people still gauge their productivity, value and effectiveness on how many emails they have in their inbox. About three years ago when I was still working in corporate, I had a colleague peer over my shoulder and make comment on how few emails I had in my inbox. I personally wasn’t phased by how few emails I received. I saw this as a sign that I was communicating clearly with my clients and meeting their expectations. It meant that I was spending more time sitting with my clients and doing what I do best, rather than spend time hunched in front of my laptop. My colleague’s interpretation was that my job was on the line and I should be feeling vulnerable. My response… “thanks for your concern. I don’t get paid to have an inbox crammed full of emails, most of which are not relevant to me.” With a smug tone, they made a prediction that I wouldn’t be there much longer. About three months later, that same employee was made redundant and I continued on in my role for another 6 months before jumping ship. The point here is, where your attention goes, your energy flows. Indeed, when your attention is so thinly spread, you start to suffer from an attention deficit. This colleague was so focussed on transactional emails and other menial tasks, their role was no longer of value. They had become irrelevant.
Attention first, talent second
The reason why your results aren’t reflective of your potential isn’t that you don’t have enough talent, it’s because your talent isn’t focussed. Just as you’re beginning to make some progress your attention is shifted onto the next distraction. This tendency to follow distraction is not new but let’s just agree that the explosion of social media and the prevalence of smartphones has made being distracted a whole lot easier than it used to be. What’s worse is that the most popular apps are those such as Instagram, Tik-Tok and Snapchat that predominately use short videos to capture your attention. What’s more, is that while our ability to sustain focussed attention is getting shorter, our time spent on social media apps is increasing. Don’t get me wrong, I love the benefits that social media have introduced to the world and fully support them moving forward. My real concern is how organisations are managing this “war for attention” which will only become more relevant in the coming years as generation Z and generation alpha kids start to form a larger percentage of our workforce. I don’t care how talented somebody is, if they aren’t able to hold their focus for more than a few minutes without checking their social media feeds or texting a friend, we have a problem.
Despite me being Gen Y (or Millenial if you prefer that terminology), my kids insist that I’m a “boomer” and I’m acutely aware that this article is likely to get a similar response. Please don’t misinterpret what I’m writing here as sledging social media. I’m not. I am, however, challenging you to think about how you sustain your own attention and consider how you might focus the attention of your team when it is filled with Gen Zs and Gen Alphas over the next decade.
How to focus your attention
Cal Newport discusses strategies to reduce distraction in his book “Deep work” which I highly recommend reading. There are many ways to focus your attention but one of the best ways I know is to engage in learning. When you are learning something new (particularly if you are interested in the topic/task) you become fully engrossed, leaving little room for faulty thinking, boredom, negative thoughts or self-doubt to creep in. Motivation is arguably the biggest hurdle when engaging in new learning which is why I make conscious learning a daily practice. As most of my clients know, I’m a juggler and have been practising for 25 years now. Every day, I spend time focussing my attention completely on finessing my skills and enhancing my ability to sustain my focus. There have been times in my life where my practice has fallen off the priority list, but each time I come back to it, I recognise how important the daily ritual is to align my body with my mind. As an executive coach, being able to focus my attention is a critical skill. Without this skill, I’d be unable to hold presence with my clients which is essential for them to be able to get present in our sessions. While it’s rather serendipitous that I discovered juggling at an early age, I maintain that it is the single best activity I have come across that simultaneously engages the mind and body in complex adaptive learning but also allows you to flex between that which is easy and that which is challenging. I also attribute my ability to remain calm under fire to my years of conscious practice with juggling[1]. Additional benefits include reduced stress, reduced anxiety, improved peripheral vision, improved co-ordination, and some studies have even shown and increase in both white and grey matter in the brain as a result of continued practice.
If you’d like to give it a go and learn for yourself, check out my youtube videos here which guide you through steps you need to take to learn how to juggle.
If juggling isn’t your thing, have a go anyway! If you are resisting it because you “don’t have time” or “you already know how” or you’re “not very co-ordinated”. These are all excuses that you are using to not learn. My advice, drop your ego and stop telling yourself bullshit stories that are preventing you from learning, improving and developing. Your ability to focus your attention, be in the moment and enable others to do the same will be what sets you apart as a future leader. Nobody is born with the ability to completely focus so it takes considerable practice. While it may be hard, the payoff is well worth it.
[1] If you’d like to learn more about the research on the many benefits of juggling please email me at: joe@joehart.com.au and I’d be happy to share my resources with you
Do you know your pattern?
To know your own automatic, unconscious patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. To know your own pattern is to have what I call True perspective and it’s something you can’t achieve alone. To know your pattern is like having a map to a secret treasure that contains all the riches you’d ever need. Indeed, knowing your pattern is the greatest gift you’ll ever receive, should you be willing to receive it. Sometimes, we may think we are aware of our patterns where in fact, we are just observing the familiar outcomes associated with them. Below are a couple of frequently occurring examples of people focussing on the undesirable outcome, not the pattern that underpins how they got there.
If I was to ask you above all else, what’s the most important thing you want to know about yourself…what would you say? Take a moment right now to reflect on an answer. The truth is, most people don’t know how to answer this question and simply say “I don’t know”.
Having asked this question of hundreds of leaders I’ve observed that with a little bit of thought, it’s not hard to come up with an answer. Some of the most common answers people give are:
“to know if I’m leadership material”
“to know if I have what it takes”
“to know how people ‘really’ perceive me”
“to know why I react in certain ways to certain people or events”
“to know that I’m making a difference”
“to know that I’m not a complete idiot or waste of time”
The common thread linking the above answers is to know that which you yourself cannot see. To know your own automatic, unconscious patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. To know your own pattern is to have what I call True perspective and it’s something you can’t achieve alone. To know your pattern is like having a map to a secret treasure that contains all the riches you’d ever need. Indeed, knowing your pattern is the greatest gift you’ll ever receive, should you be willing to receive it. Sometimes, we may think we are aware of our patterns where in fact, we are just observing the familiar outcomes associated with them. Below are a couple of frequently occurring examples of people focussing on the undesirable outcome, not the pattern that underpins how they got there.
Example 1: The leader that believes that their team is not delivering to level that they expect. Their assumption is that they have the wrong people in the team. Their pattern, however, is to not clearly articulate what they expect from their team and each member within it. Without clear expectations, the staff become confused, misaligned, and reactive. Dysfunction follows, fears sets in, team members are let-go and the cycle continues when new people come on board.
Example 2: The team member that is overworked, doesn’t have any time for themselves and is constantly annoyed by the lack of support they receive from their colleagues. Their frustration builds up over time when they see their colleagues swan in and out of work without the same level of pressure they feel. Unable to contain their frustration they experience a ‘meltdown’ resulting in a sick day, serial ‘venting’ to their partner, a trusted colleague or worse, their boss. They assume that the problem is that other people are not taking their load of responsibility resulting in the pressure they feel. In reality, they are extremely poor delegators and fear to let go of projects. Their fear is due to a pattern of feeling undervalued so they combat this fear by taking on more work to demonstrate their capability.
Example 3: The executive that ‘knows’ what’s right for the business but nobody will listen to their solutions. Their assumption is that other people are not as smart as them so they are unable to comprehend their ideas. Believing that forcing their perspective will not be beneficial, they sit back, withdraw, and watch how things unfold. Unbeknownst to them, their pattern is one of acquiescence, the tendency to simply agree with things when in fact, they are in doubt. The enter all conversations with a bias of already ‘knowing’ the answer and if somebody challenges it through ideas, opinion or analysis, they simply withdraw. They exude superiority and hold concrete views about what is right rarely offering honesty in their discussions. As a result, their relationships remain transactional and shallow.
Whether you recognise any of these patterns in yourself or people you work with is beside the point. The point I’m making here is that our first stab at understanding what’s creating the issue, outcome or result that’s getting in our way is usually wrong. In order to get to the core of the issue and change, we need help in seeing the underlying patterns of our thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
Characteristics of a pattern
If you want to create lasting and sustainable change in your behaviour, you first need to understand the characteristics of a pattern.
According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, a pattern is defined as:
“a reliable sample of traits, acts, tendencies, or other observable characteristics of a person, group, or institution”
The Oxford online Learners Dictionary defines a pattern as:
“The regular way in which something happens or is done”
Both definitions apply to patterns of behaviour, sleeping patterns, consumer spending patterns, prevailing patterns of speech, relationship patterns and the list goes on. Having spent my whole life being part of a pattern, recognising patterns and responding to them, I’d say I’m somewhat of an expert. The good news is, so are you.
Something I’m particularly interested in is what our patterns can tell us about how we learn, especially when it comes to learning about ourselves. Self-awareness, having made an appearance in pretty much every model of leadership or emotional intelligence ever conceptualised, is arguably the most important characteristic we can ever develop. The challenge, as with most important things, we can’t do it in isolation. We need feedback on how we interpret what we are learning, the mindset we adopt before, during and after we learn but also the physical and emotional environment we create to frame our learning experience.
For those that know me or have worked with me before, you’ll know that I’m a juggler and have been doing it for more than 25 years. I’m still learning and constantly challenging myself with new juggling patterns that stretch my capabilities both physically and mentally. Over the last 25 years, I’ve distilled the core characteristics of patterns (fundamental to learning how to juggle) down to the following four keys. These keys can be applied to any behavioural change you are trying to make at work or in your personal life.
1) Patterns are infinite: In a standard juggling pattern, the balls all follow a continuous flow that resembles an infinity sign. As long as you keep throwing the balls with the correct trajectory and rhythm, you will be able to juggle indefinitely. Applying this to leadership, parenting or life, our patterns (both good and bad) will continue infinitely without intervention.
2) Patterns are changeable: Following on from the first pattern, while infinitely recurring, all patterns are changeable and malleable. Using Juggling as an example, the way in which you manipulate the balls through the air is only limited by your imagination, capability and physics. Everything we do, think and feel is changeable should we have the courage, desire and tenacity to change it. The brain itself is a map of all behaviours enabling us to speak, plan, move, see and hear. If a certain part of the brain is damaged, such as that which enables us to speak, we will struggle to communicate verbally. However, due to neuroplasticity, the brain is able to change the pattern associated with speaking and use other parts of the brain to complete that task. This is an extremely simplistic example, but indeed, if our brains are able to fundamentally change how neurons are connected and organised to complete complex tasks such as speaking, we can change any behaviour.
3) Patterns are learnable: If I was to place five balls in your hand and ask you to juggle them unless you’d previously learned how to do it, you wouldn’t know where to start. You may not even be able to imagine what juggling five balls even looks like, or that it’s even possible! If however, I taught you sequentially how to juggle one, two, and three balls you’d easily understand how to juggle five balls based on the patterns you’ve already learned. You’re applying the framework from a simpler task to a more difficult one. Knowing that patterns are both changeable and learnable should provide you with the confidence and knowledge to keep developing yourself.
4) Patterns are disguised: Our patterns are so natural, so seamless, so automatic that until we are made aware, they are disguised to us. It’s very difficult to lift the vale on our patterns without any external feedback from other people that know us. Even once we are made aware, without actively working on learning new patterns or changing existing ones, we will quickly revert to our well-practised patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. In this way, the disguise contributes to the infinite nature of our patterns. Similarly, we can wrongly attribute lost relationships, a breakdown in communication, poor performance at work, or a dysfunctional team to issues external to us, where in fact it is our own pattern creating all the issues, we just can’t see what is blindingly obvious to those around us.
For anyone wanting to test their co-ordination, stretch their brain and learn something new, check out my juggling tutorial on Youtube for some basic lessons to get you going.
Why should you understand your pattern?
When it comes to how you think, feel, and behave, your patterns are the single biggest influencing factor shaping everything you do. It, therefore, makes total sense why you should know your pattern so you can better interpret what happens, engage more effectively with your environment, and sustain a mindset that is positive and focussed.
We all know how important it is to focus on forming good habits, and I too follow this line of thinking. Having recently read James Clear’s Atomic Habits and Brendon Burchard’s High-performance Habits, it’s clear that our fascination with building good habits and breaking bad ones is here to stay. Here’s where I think it gets a little tricky. I may go through the process of establishing a really strong habit of going to the gym, which after 66 days has become part of my identity. I continue going to the gym and getting stronger, leaner, and fitter. If however, I have an overarching pattern of self-sabotage that is disguised to me, I’ll create these unconscious challenges that start to erode my ability to maintain my habit of going to the Gym. Some examples of these could be;
Creating a challenging relationship at work such that my performance is hindered, I will have to work extra hours to make up for it and don’t have time to train at the gym.
Allow myself to eat ‘whatever I want’ which has a negative impact on my health and physical performance making it difficult to keep training at the gym.
Keep pushing beyond my limits physically resulting in overtraining or injury, preventing me from training at all.
Focus all my emotional effort on everybody else’s issues (friends, family, partner etc.) leaving me with no time left to train. Because I was sacrificing myself for others people feel sorry for me and understand why I stopped training at the gym.
While these may or may not be entirely applicable to you, we all have patterns that we follow. These patterns are often invisible to us and therefore dominate how we respond, think about, reflect upon and engage with our environment. Habits are transactions where are patterns represent the bank balance. Some of our patterns are good, some are bad, and some are just plain ugly. Learning how to see them and doing something to change them is what makes all the difference.
How do I see my own pattern?
It’s not easy, and you may not like what you see, but the best way I know is to ask people (about 6-8 should be enough). It can be difficult to have the conversation directly with people so you might want to ask a coach or mentor to ask on your behalf. The questions that I use are:
What are my strengths?
What are my weaknesses?
How could I improve?
What can you offer me?
What do you need from me?
What do you most want me to know?
As a starting point, these questions will give you some great insight into what your patterns might be and how they are holding you back or thrusting you forward. I’ve used this same combination of questions to provide hundreds of leaders with “True Perspective” but sadly, there are many that don’t do anything with their newfound insight. The irony is those patterns that are so well disguised that it takes a monumental shift in perspective to reveal them when we finally do see them our usual response is outright rejection.
My final word
The reason why most of us can’t answer the question “What do you most want to know about yourself?” Is because we fear seeing ourselves the way the rest of the world sees us. The truth is, that which we most fear is usually what we need the most. As we close out 2019 and welcome in 2020, take a stand to have the courage to see your own pattern, take responsibility for it, and most importantly do something to change it.
It’s not at all about winning…but it’s all about winning : The paradox of life
“It’s been a rough week,” said one of the other dads standing on the sideline pre-match, thermos in hand at the ready. I gave him a wry smile followed by a confirmatory nod, acknowledging that I too was weary from the five back to back losses our boys had experienced over the preceding three days. Not only that, we’d been battling the bitter cold dished up by Canberra mornings; frost, biting wind, and a little bit of drizzle for extra misery. You see, our boys’ team was firmly lodged at the bottom of the ladder in the soccer tournament, about to play their last match against an undefeated team secured at the top of the ladder. With heavy hearts, everyone was expecting another loss.
“It’s been a rough week,” said one of the other dads standing on the sideline pre-match, thermos in hand at the ready. I gave him a wry smile followed by a confirmatory nod, acknowledging that I too was weary from the five back to back losses our boys had experienced over the preceding three days. Not only that, we’d been battling the bitter cold dished up by Canberra mornings; frost, biting wind, and a little bit of drizzle for extra misery. You see, our boys’ team was firmly lodged at the bottom of the ladder in the soccer tournament, about to play their last match against an undefeated team secured at the top of the ladder. With heavy hearts, everyone was expecting another loss.
The pressure of expectation
Earlier in the week, the boys started out strong, winning their first match comprehensively. In some ways, this set them up for the expectation that they could do very well in the tournament. In contrast, their second match was an absolute disaster, outclassed in pretty much every way. They got crushed with a 6-0 defeat. Following on from that first day the losing streak was maintained. There was a predictable amount of controversy both on an off the field. Some questionable calls by the referee (who appeared to be barely 14 years old) were heavily influenced by the intimidating shouts coming from parents that value soccer more than life itself. Their screams resembling the snarls and growls of an angry dog, foaming at the mouth, ready to attack. Despite the rule of ‘silence on the sidelines’ there were some that couldn’t help it, their desire to win was too great even though they weren’t the ones playing the game.
The dangers of watching from the sideline
We’d all been looking forward to the tournament, knowing that the boys had worked hard to be there. We secretly expected them to do well….and held a desire to see them at least get through to the semi-finals…After all, it was entirely possible? After the jubilation of the first win, you could feel the excitement of the parents lift momentarily before the almost audible ‘thud’ following the first crushing defeat. On the surface, we all say to each other “it’s all about the boys having fun….” or “As long as they do their best and learn something, it will all be worth it”. In reality, what we want to say to each other is “It would be awesome to go home with the cup in hand our boys victors in the tournament” or “I’d love for my boy to experience the joy of being in a team that has what it takes to win against the toughest competition”. What became evident by the end of the week is that the parents were more invested in the team winning than the players were. The challenge with this position is that none of us was able to influence that which we were so invested in. We were powerless, confined to simply watch, support, observe, and stay silent. Victims of our own frustration.
The power of ‘showing up’
The boys are a group of talented young players. They train a couple of times a week and they are all good mates. They take their sport seriously and all have a deep seeded aspiration to become a great soccer player one day. They are however only 10 years old and having fun seems to be the most popular item on the menu. What’s refreshing is that even with the crushing defeats, the boys would get over it quickly. They didn’t dwell on the bad calls, the angry parents on the sidelines, the bullies on the other teams. They kept getting back up and dusting themselves off. Of course, they each had their moments where they were upset with their performance, made mistakes, and felt like they could have done better but they were persistent. They were playing to win but if they lost, the game wasn’t over for them. It’s almost as if they knew they were playing a bigger game of growth and development that was beyond the scope of the tournament.
The outcome
So, here we are, the final match that EVERYONE expects our boys to lose. I’d even had a work call scheduled for the first half so wouldn’t have to endure the assault but, as it often happens, my call was rescheduled. I was locked into watching the entire game. As they were warming up, another this other dad and I noted while sipping on our hot tea fresh from the thermos, that the boys seemed unusually vocal. They were talking to each other a lot. The chatter was positive and constant which created a vibe around the team. Their body language was ‘up’, they seemed confident…not about winning but about how they were going to play their game. Just before they ran onto the field, I grabbed my son’s attention and said “hey mate, what’s the plan”. He said, “We’re going to play to win and have fun”. What unfolded next was nothing short of glorious. The boys played their best game yet. It was a tight tussle which ended with a victory to our boys who managed to defeat the undefeated. What started as a melancholic conversation about the week that had been, ended with every parent giving each other high fives. As one of the parents, I know how tempting it is to remedy any situation with the cliché of “it’s not about winning…it’s about having fun”. Reality speaks a different language and that sounds more like “losing feels crap, especially if you know you can do better”. The trick is to keep playing to win even when you’ve been on a massive losing streak. While their campaign was over and the opposing team still progressed through to the semi-finals, they were later beaten in the semi’s and denied a place in the final that I’m sure they had their minds set on.
Leadership lessons from the sideline
Just in case you got caught up in the ‘story’ of it all, I thought it would be helpful to summarise some of the leadership lessons that spending a week with hopeful parents and a group of competitive 10-year-old boys has taught me.
1. Expectations are poison – The best movie I ever saw was the one that I didn’t plan to see. I had no idea about the genre and the title gave nothing away so when I watched the film I was totally engaged, in-the-moment and enthralled. The opposite can be said of the worst movie I ever saw, the hype and expectations were so great that the movie couldn’t deliver. Similarly, when we have our heart set on an outcome such as a sporting event, academic achievement, relationship, job offer etc. We are living in a fantasy, one that is not grounded in the present moment. Don’t get me wrong, we need to set clear expectations at work to get results but when you find yourself drifting into the realm of fantasy, pull back, you’re ironically setting yourself up for a remarkable fall from grace.
2. Is it about you…or them? – This is a tough one because nobody likes to admit that they have an ego and everyone likes to think that they put the needs of others before their own. The truth is, altruism is rare, and some would argue doesn’t really exist. I could tell myself that sacrificing a week of my time was all in the best interest of my son and his aspiration to be a soccer star but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I like watching him play soccer, I like watching the team succeed and deep down I feel part of that success which strokes my ego. At work, this can be seen often when teams or individuals are awarded recognition for outstanding achievement. Whether it’s the manager’s intention or not, it’s impossible not to connect oneself with the success of the team or individual. Like the parents cheering (or snarling) from the sideline, it’s a combination of wanting what’s best for the team and what’s best for you. Once you understand that you are indeed selfishly invested (at least a bit) you’ll be able to reconcile some of the anxiety or stress you feel when things aren’t quite going according to plan.
3. Keep ‘showing up’ – Like much of life the ability to keep showing up is 90% of the battle. If we decide to stay in bed at the first hint of a challenge, we will likely never make it past the challenges of kindergarten. Regardless of how tough it is, how “it won’t make a difference” or “it’s hopeless”. The power of simply showing up and having a go carries more weight than anything else. Many people go through the motions, but this is not showing up. ‘Showing up’ can be defined as being present both physically and mentally to fully engage with the task at hand. The temptation to give up is strong especially when things aren’t going your way. It is in those moments that the truth about who you are and what you are capable of is revealed.
4. It’s not about winning, but it’s all about winning – Political correctness says that I should encourage my son to play for fun and not push him to be competitive. On this point, I fundamentally disagree and proudly admit that I encourage my son to play to win but make sure that he’s having fun in the process. I know he loves soccer and works hard to develop himself. I think it’s brilliant that at such a young age the boys all demonstrated a relentless commitment to their development as individuals in a team that wants to win. It’s that spirit, courage and tenacity that will enable all of them to succeed. In business, if you don’t win your customers’ hearts and minds, you lose. It’s tough, cold, relentless but in the real world, nobody is going to soften the blow for you. The balance is right when you’re doing something that you love, that matters, that’s worth fighting for but you also have fun with it.
5. It’s all in your head – There are countless examples of people achieving extraordinary things that reinforce the same point. What your mind wants, your body will deliver and what your body delivers your mind wants. In other words, by thinking you create desire and by doing you gain satisfaction. If it’s combat-sports, extreme strength, cold exposure, wealth accrual, scientific breakthroughs, artistic expression, or motivational leadership; If people had used logical reasoning to achieve their goals, they would have quit long before their breakthrough. Possibilities will always remain unknown to you, that is until you do the impossible.
The moral of the story?
If you want to live a fulfilled life, behave like a bunch of 10-year-olds playing soccer in a competitive tournament. You’ll have your moments of glory, setbacks, mistakes, unfair calls, injuries, a bunch of tears and a whole lot of disappointment. Always play to win, but make sure you also play to have fun. If you’re feeling a bunch of pressure from some onlookers from the sideline ‘supporting’ you, don’t play for them, they are there for themselves as much as they are there for you. Play your own game
The Universe is a Dick!
Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go perfectly wrong? It’s as if it doesn’t matter what you do, it feels like someone or something is conspiring against you…. like you’re being punished for something that you’ve done. About ten years ago, I got a phone call from one of my clients who was in a tough spot and he really needed to talk. He shared the following. He’d moved interstate to follow his heart, took a job offer which fell through, got evicted from his rental property and got a call from his mother to tell him that his father was on his deathbed. He booked a plane ticket home so he could go visit his father in hospital but before he got on the plane, his girlfriend…the one he followed his heart for letting him know she was no longer in love with him and had been seeing another man. Lost for words at the sheer volume of unfortunate events that had coincided I waited for him to break the silence. He simply said, “the universe is a dick”. On this point, at the time, I couldn’t disagree with him or offer any form of wisdom to counter it…so I readily adopted the phrase.
Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go perfectly wrong? It’s as if it doesn’t matter what you do, it feels like someone or something is conspiring against you…. like you’re being punished for something that you’ve done. About ten years ago, I got a phone call from one of my clients who was in a tough spot and he really needed to talk. He shared the following. He’d moved interstate to follow his heart, took a job offer which fell through, got evicted from his rental property and got a call from his mother to tell him that his father was on his deathbed. He booked a plane ticket home so he could go visit his father in hospital but before he got on the plane, his girlfriend…the one he followed his heart for letting him know she was no longer in love with him and had been seeing another man. Lost for words at the sheer volume of unfortunate events that had coincided I waited for him to break the silence. He simply said, “the universe is a dick”. On this point, at the time, I couldn’t disagree with him or offer any form of wisdom to counter it…so I readily adopted the phrase.
For a while, it sort of worked to shrug things off. It was a throw-away line that introduced some humour but also helped externalise what was going on. More recently, however, I’ve become increasingly aware of how framing your experience as the ‘will of the universe’ diminishes your own sense of responsibility and accountability. In other words, if I personify the universe as this entity that controls everything that happens to me, I’m very much at the mercy of the universe and any effort spent by me is therefore fruitless. In psychology, Julian Rotter called this having an external locus of control. If a person has an external locus of control, they tend to attribute the outcome to factors beyond their influence, such as the universe or god or somebody else’s fault. In contrast, those that have an internal locus of control tend to take ownership of the outcomes attributing their success or failure to their own actions. There is a body of research that suggests people with an external locus of control are happier in general because they hold a belief that there is something ‘bigger’ at play behind the fortunate and unfortunate events that transpire in their life. It’s a convenient answer to the problem that every single human being faces at some point or another, why do I exist? what does it all mean? and what am I hear to do? While I can’t answer the questions for you, I can indeed offer a perspective that might contribute to where you eventually decide to land.
The brain’s role
Indeed, what differentiates humans from other species in the animal kingdom is our consciousness and intelligence. What underpins our apparent advantage is the constant curiosity about the world and what it all means. From Darwin’s origin of species to Einstein’s theory of relativity, our brains arm us with this incredible curiosity to make it all make sense. My perspective; this insatiable need to explain every aspect of our world is the cause for much of the emptiness that people feel in modern society.
Shit happens whether you are in the driver’s seat or not. It’s what you make it mean that gets in the way. Horrible things happen to awesome people every single day...does it mean that the universe is ‘against’ them? Were they not a good person in a past life? Are they being punished for their bad behaviour? Is it bad Karma for treating others with disrespect?
The same could be said of someone who achieves greatness in the sporting arena, they can often be seen with arms outstretched looking to the skies offering their thanks to a power greater than themselves. They have attributed a portion of their success to the universe, their god or a higher being that they believe is in control of ‘the master plan’.
What’s really going on?
Take a gambler, for example, they may sit for hours on end at a poker machine anticipating the moment that they will become a winner. They create a ‘system’ for recognising patterns that they swear by. When they do have a win, it confirms their belief….we know this as the gambler’s fallacy. In fact, the gambler is suffering from a form of cognitive bias which lures the gambler into believing that their chances of winning are much higher than probability suggests. While many of us aren’t suffering from a gambling problem, the phenomenon Apophenia is another form of cognitive bias that can help explain why we need to make things ‘mean’ something. Apophenia is the human tendency to make connections between things that are otherwise unrelated. We’ve all experienced what’s commonly known as Murphy’s law or Sod’s law. This is the belief that if something is going to go wrong, it will. In fact, there is no scientific basis to explain this phenomenon other than how our brains draw connections between otherwise unrelated events.
Why do we do this?
In every culture, ancient and modern, the need to make sense of our world has been documented in myth. Joseph Campbell’s brilliant work details the patterns associated with how humans choose to document their existence over time. He mapped this common thread to articulate what we now know to be the ‘Hero’s Journey’. This pattern of storytelling is so strongly imprinted in the human psyche that movies such as Star Wars, The Matrix and Lord of the Rings can all attribute their box office success in part to Joseph Campbell’s work. In addition to our comfort with well-crafted stories, the degree to which you feel in control over outcomes or events in your life i.e. locus of control is a significant factor.
What’s the bottom line?
In my experience, when horrible things happen to me or somebody that I love, there is an overwhelming need to declare it as unfair. Feeling ripped off or hard done by is part of being human, but it really isn’t helpful. Having helped many people work through various challenges, the sooner somebody can get to the point of objectively observing what happens without judgement or the need to explain it or justify it, the better. As cold and detached as it sounds, people die, bad things happen but life goes on. If you attach meaning to what happens, you’ll spend the rest of your life in a washing machine of emotional turmoil.
How can I stop giving things meaning?
Once people recognise what’s going on, I feel it’s important to provide a practical way to help manage the challenge that comes with the insight that life is somewhat meaningless. A great technique I use is to recall an event as though it is a movie that you can pause, rewind, fast-forward or put in slow motion as desired. The trick here is to ensure that you watch the movie as though you were a critic, being as objective as possible. In doing this, you note exactly what was said (not what you thought was said), exactly what happened (not what you think happened). While this sounds easy, you’ll likely struggle to disentangle your tendency to hear what you want to hear, see what you want to see and recall events in a way that supports your conclusions. If you can just watch the ‘movie’ play out and press pause when needed, you’ll find you can take things as they are, rather than extrapolate meaning.
My insight
While I still experience the ups and downs that come with life, I no longer personify the universe by labelling it as a dick. I don’t believe that there is an almighty being writing the script that will be my life, nor that the universe is conspiring to help me achieve my purpose. The only dick featured in my past was me….not wanting to take responsibility for my own actions, accountability for my choices and choosing to blame others (or the universe) when bad things transpire. The insight experienced by the storytellers on the TV series ‘I shouldn’t be alive’ is remarkably similar for everyone, despite them having very different stories to tell. They all say they have gratitude for being alive, being able to smile, to laugh, to be with those that they love and have the freedom to make choices. There is rarely a reason or explanation behind why things happen, stop wasting your time trying to figure it all out and simply live.
Emotions trump talent and purpose: Like a kite without a string
It was windy, very windy, the perfect day to fly a kite. I was about 12 years old and the proud owner of a stunt kite…you know the triangular shaped ones that do loops and spins once you’ve learned how to master them. Well, given the wind was blowing I thought I’d take my kite for a spin but not just as it was, I wanted to see how high it could go so I craftily enhanced it by tying an extra 200metres of 30-pound fishing line onto the existing string. This was going to be good! I appealed to a couple of mates to come to join me but to no avail. I didn’t care…the excitement of flying my stunt kite in near gale forced winds with an extra 200 metres of line propelled me to my destination.
My Story
It was windy, very windy, the perfect day to fly a kite. I was about 12 years old and the proud owner of a stunt kite…you know the triangular shaped ones that do loops and spins once you’ve learned how to master them. Well, given the wind was blowing I thought I’d take my kite for a spin but not just as it was, I wanted to see how high it could go so I craftily enhanced it by tying an extra 200metres of 30-pound fishing line onto the existing string. This was going to be good! I appealed to a couple of mates to come to join me but to no avail. I didn’t care…the excitement of flying my stunt kite in near gale forced winds with an extra 200 metres of line propelled me to my destination.
My heart was beating with anticipation, the wind so strong now that I had to lean into it unnaturally to remain upright. I set flight and my kite took off angrily, bucking and pulling like a wild brumby. The wind was so strong I quickly let all the string out and reached the fishing line that I had tied on for extra height. The kite was so high now I could hardly see it and the tension on the line was so extreme the line was making sounds resembling an out of tune banjo being plucked.
I was now struggling to hold onto the plastic reel that housed the fishing line and began to lose my grip. I quickly looked around my feet and picked up a stick that I could put through the reel enabling me to let more line out and give my hands a break. The line screamed as the reel whizzed with frightening acceleration. I looked up to glimpse at my kite which was merely a dot in the sky and that’s when it happened. The whizzing sound was interrupted with a loud crack. I slowly looked down and saw that the plastic reel had shattered, a large shard had stabbed straight through the webbing in my left hand between my thumb and index finger.
In shock I sprinted home clutching my left wrist, trying not to look at the wound as it rhythmically showered my feet with spurts of blood, ever-quickening as the tempo of my heart raced. Once I got home, I raised the alarm to my mum who was trying to remain calm but to me, felt like a severe case of apathy. Like it couldn’t get any worse, I remember the agonisingly slow and sheepish way my mum uttered the words “I can’t remember where I put my keys”. The rest of the story is predictable…. mum found keys… arrive at hospital… remove plastic from hand… insert stitches…contemplate a few hard lessons to carry me forward.
My Insight
Later that afternoon once I’d been stitched up and got back home, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the kite. My curiosity getting the better of me, I walked back to the offending location hoping that the jagged reel had gotten caught on a tree or bush. No such luck, that kite had set sail…never to be seen again. Whenever I hear someone say “like a kite without a string”…I look down at my left hand and massage the painful scar tissue that remains. What happened that day is the perfect demonstration of how heightened emotions can override the application of talent and purpose to one’s detriment. Let me explain….
When coaching my clients I focus on 3 areas; Strengths focus (understanding one's strengths and knowing how to effectively apply them), Alignment with purpose (articulating ones purpose and remaining aligned to it) and emotional regulation (the ability to remain present and not succumb to the temptation of what one believes vs what is real). Regardless of how well attuned you are to your strengths or how well aligned you are with your purpose, if you can’t manage your emotions, you’re in trouble. That day, my purpose was clear- I wanted to fly a kite as high as it could go. I leveraged my strengths of curiosity, resourcefulness and independence to follow through on my desire. My emotional state, on the other hand, was not at all in check. I knew it was dangerous and could feel it to the core of my gut. I was a little shaky with anticipation due to the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I was rushing, not thinking, over-riding my cautious conscience. Indeed, my emotions were trumping my purpose and strengths, but I couldn’t help it. My emotions were fuelling my action which in turn fanned the flames of my uneasy emotional state. My logical brain had been hijacked in pursuit of instant gratification.
While I was only 12, developmental psychology tells us that it’s at this stage that we start to form our logical reasoning (See Jean Piaget’s theory of cognitive development). So my excuses for being young and foolish are generally accepted but don’t reflect the truth that I know.
When I’m coaching people about challenges and issues, it’s almost unanimously due to them not being able to get present to and regulate their emotions. Like my 12-year-old self, they get seductively drawn into behaviours that reward them at that moment but generally lead to an outcome that is undesirable. Unfortunately for me, my hand came off second best but many people say and do things they regret when their emotions have hijacked their ability to think and reason. The result for them? regret, guilt, loss of control, anger, anxiety, helplessness etc.
My advice
Next time you get that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach stop what you’re doing. Take a moment to focus on your breath to re-centre yourself and activate your parasympathetic nervous system. It’s at this point that you can make a conscious choice about what you do next without feeling like you’re navigating rapids on a river without a paddle. The best way to ensure that you don’t end up like a kite without a string lost forever to the gale forced winds of mother nature; regulate your emotions. For many of you…..you’re saying “that’s easier said than done…especially when you’re in the heat of the moment”. I agree, but other than aspiring to achieve personal mastery through a relentless commitment to self-development, we stagnate, re-iterate and keep repeating the same behavioural patterns. The patterns and tendencies we all face will continue to be there, it’s our ability to recognise the internal cues (that feeling in your gut, or the shakiness in your body) to help us arrest the pattern of behaviour before it’s too late. It’s not easy, it takes discipline and it’s always necessary. It may sound exhausting but when someone is feeling like a kite without a string they’ll do anything to have someone grab the end and start winding them back to earth...that is of course if they’re not already lost forever.