Toxic Triangles: Why your team keeps failing
When the team was at its worst and I was contemplating my next step, a conversation I’d had with a mentor a few years earlier sprang to mind. I had been explaining to him my challenges with one of my colleagues which most likely sounded like me having a ‘bitch session’. I could see he was growing tired of the conversation so he cut me off by asking “Has this colleague of yours given you a license?”…I replied, “Ummm…sorry, not sure what you mean”. He then said, “The way you are speaking about them, it’s as if they’ve given you a license to talk shit about them”. Realising what he was getting at I said “Yeah…but I’m not sure they are willing to listen to some of my challenges…and it would just turn into an argument anyway”. He replied with “It doesn’t matter, unless you’ve earned your license by having the conversation with them first, bitching and talking crap about each other is toxic for the culture…you’ve got to cut it out”. I was taken aback, I’d never really considered myself to be the bitching type before, but he was right. For the next couple of days, I got really conscious of my behaviour and I noticed how many conversations I was having that I was ‘unlicensed’ to have. I felt terrible, I had unwittingly been part of creating a toxic culture. Having recalled that lesson, here I was again, caught up in a toxic culture where people were talking about each other, not to each other.
Like millions of people, I’ve been fully engaged in the Netflix series ‘The last dance’ featuring the golden years of the Chicago bulls with Jordan, Pippen and Rodman. I was particularly taken by Phil Jackson and his unorthodox coaching style, so much so that I’ve just finished reading his book ‘11 rings’ detailing how he led the Bulls and Lakers to six and five NBA championships respectively. There are so many great leadership principles that Phil references, most of which are based on Zen Buddhist practices. Above all, his efforts aim to create a winning team through moving them to what he calls a stage 5 team which represents “life is great” and the players are moving beyond playing to win but playing for the pure joy of the game.
The Triangle Offence
From a strategic perspective, Phil utilised the ‘Triangle offence’ as a powerful way for the team to score points in an unpredictable, creative and often improvised way. One of the challenges with implementing this strategy is that players often need to sacrifice their own ambition to be the best individual performer in favour of the team’s success. In other words, they need to play as a team, not as a group that are all aiming to get the ball to the best player on the team. When coaching extremely competitive and stupendously gifted players such as Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant, this was a significant challenge but Phil Jackson helped both players grow as leaders by trusting their teammates and being more selfless with the ball.
A great team
While I don’t pretend to be an expert in basketball strategy and was only a lukewarm fan at best, I love leadership, team effectiveness and culture so couldn’t help but make a connection with how Phil Jackson masterfully coaches teams to success and what great business leaders do. I cast my mind back to a team that I was working in that felt like (I can only imagine) the 1998 Chicago Bulls. Everything worked like clockwork, we were connected, we trusted one another, and we were really successful. Like any team, there was conflict but it was healthy conflict, the sort of conflict that you can have knowing that people won’t take it as a personal attack but see it as a commitment to the success of the team.
A horrible team
In contrast, I can also recall being on a team that had loads of individual talent and should have been extremely effective but failed to get results due to the absence of trust. In Patrick Lencioni’s ‘Five dysfunctions of a team’, he references the absence of trust as the foundation for the team to be able to achieve results. If the team doesn’t trust one another, everything else falls apart. In this particular team, the trust had eroded so much that team members were speaking poorly about one another to anyone that would listen. The worst perpetrator of the team was none other than the manager! It was clear that the manager had the best of intentions when speaking with the team. The idea was to build trust by bringing each of them into the ‘circle’ so to speak. For a moment, team members felt special (me included) when our manager pulled us aside to confide in us about all the gossip. However, this behaviour created a toxic environment fueled by secret squirrel conversations that served nobody and prevented the team from being effective.
Creating a toxic culture
When the team was at its worst and I was contemplating my next step, a conversation I’d had with a mentor a few years earlier sprang to mind. I had been explaining to him my challenges with one of my colleagues which most likely sounded like me having a ‘bitch session’. I could see he was growing tired of the conversation so he cut me off by asking “Has this colleague of yours given you a license?”…I replied, “Ummm…sorry, not sure what you mean”. He then said, “The way you are speaking about them, it’s as if they’ve given you a license to talk shit about them”. Realising what he was getting at I said “Yeah…but I’m not sure they are willing to listen to some of my challenges…and it would just turn into an argument anyway”. He replied with “It doesn’t matter, unless you’ve earned your license by having the conversation with them first, bitching and talking crap about each other is toxic for the culture…you’ve got to cut it out”. I was taken aback, I’d never really considered myself to be the bitching type before, but he was right. For the next couple of days, I got really conscious of my behaviour and I noticed how many conversations I was having that I was ‘unlicensed’ to have. I felt terrible, I had unwittingly been part of creating a toxic culture. Having recalled that lesson, here I was again, caught up in a toxic culture where people were talking about each other, not to each other.
No triangles
While Phil Jackson used the triangle offence to lead the team to success, I later learned of the ‘No triangles’ strategy to ensure you engage your team and build a high trust culture. It’s as simple and as elegant as the strategy used by Phil Jackson to win 11 championships but it takes hard work, discipline and a commitment from each team member to put aside their personal ambitions in favour of the team. In case you haven’t heard of the ‘No Triangles offence’ it’s really simple. If you’re going to say something about someone, you say it to their face. This goes for both positive and negative comments. Talking crap about people behind their back, using your 1:1 time with your manager to raise issues about another team member, spending time discussing a colleague with other members of your team….not OK.
Fig 1. Toxic Triangle in a team context
For example in fig 1. Employee 1 takes offence to something that employee 2 said to them following a team meeting. Rather than address this directly, employee 1 decides to raise it with their manager. The manager takes on the feedback from employee 1 and feels a responsibility to raise the issue with employee 2. Following the conversation with the manager, employee 2 feels misunderstood and betrayed by employee 1 which makes reconciliation even more difficult.
The number of times I’ve seen this ‘Toxic Triangle’ play out in the workforce is ridiculous and I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of Toxic Triangles too! The above example is just one way it can occur, there are many different examples of how this could play out within a team or organisation. However, there are two truths that always remain.
The toxic triangle is caused by people not speaking with each other directly.
Regardless of how skilled you are, it always ends in tears.
From Toxic to Trust triangles
To solve the problem, I’d like to suggest that we change the mantra from ‘No Triangles’ to ‘No Toxic Triangles’ and here’s why. Having been caught up in these triangles before, it’s really hard not to engage in social grooming, a basic human instinct that is hardwired into us (See Andrew O’Keeffe’s Hardwired Humans for more on this). However, I think it’s possible with the right sort of commitment to the system, that each team member can seek to create ‘Trust triangles’. The rules are really simple.
Fig 2. Trust Triangle in a team context
Using our previous example, we can see in Fig 2 that when employee 1 had an issue with employee 2, they addressed it with them on the spot. They still didn’t feel satisfied with the situation so they raised the issue with their manager. The manager then had a coaching conversation with employee 1 as to how they could seek to gain more resolve with employee 2. Employee 2 decided to raise the challenges with the manager who openly shared that they were aware of the issue and provided further coaching on how best to resolve their differences. Employee 1 and employee 2 had further discussion about their differences and what they will agree to do differently. Like the toxic triangle, there are two truths about the trust triangle that will always remain.
The trust triangle facilitates dialogue by speaking directly to one another, not about one another.
While conflict may occur and a resolution may not be possible, the trust will be reinforced through the system.
Using this simple and effective system, you too can aim to build strong engaged teams that are built on a foundation of high trust, open dialogue, and a willingness to have tough conversations. Are you in a toxic triangle right now? How could you facilitate dialogue that creates more direct communication that builds trust?
References
O’keeffe, A., (2011). HARDWIRED HUMANS. Australia: Roundtable Press.
Jackson, P., & Delehanty, H., (2014). Eleven Rings. LONDON: Penguin Random House UK.
Lencioni, P., (2002). The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A leadership Fable. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
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The coach as 'tracker'
A simple search for ‘coach’ on LinkedIn throws back over 1.5 million matches. Given the popularity of the title ‘coach’ and how it varies from person to person, I thought I’d weigh in by providing my perspective.What is a coach?Simply put, a coach is a person that listens without judgement and facilitates a fluid conversation to help you gain clarity. There is nothing magic or special about this process but it does require great skill to be an effective coach. A great coach will pick up on your ‘true’ self and keep following the trail you leave and nudging you back on course when you deviate.What to expect from a coach?While there are many ways to look at this, in any coaching conversation I aim to achieve a true connection with the coachee. This can only be done by being 100% present and in the moment with that person. There also has to be an element of adaptability within the coach and coachee as while we might want to plan a coaching conversation from beginning to end, very often, the fluidity of the conversation unearths new areas to explore. So, you can expect to:1) Be challenged in a way that you hadn't necessarily planned for.2) Have someone guide you back to what matters most and where you should be focussing your attention3) Be engaged in a conversation with yourself that you normally don't make time for i.e. being real about what's going on.How will you know things are progressing?When asked to describe coaching, I like to use the analogy of a bush tracker. A tracker’s objective is to identify and follow the trail of someone or something until they can locate their exact position. To the untrained eye, a tracker can appear to be ‘lost’ or not following a trail at all. A beautiful example of this was illustrated in the Australian film 'The Tracker' where a young police officer questioned a seasoned tracker’s ability to locate their target accusing the tracker of leading them off course into the desert, potentially to their demise. In reply to the challenge, the seasoned tracker, with his steely eyes and unrelenting focus, simply pointed forward and said “that way” . To demonstrate how he knew which way to go, the tracker got down close to the ground and pointed to a tiny rock, not more than a centimetre wide, which had been kicked over just one quarter of a turn. In amazement, the young police officer asked “That’s all you need”? and off they went. This had a profound impact on me as so often people are looking for the ‘big’ answer or the ‘high impact’ sign to let them know they are on track. When you slow things down and truly listen, it’s the small seemingly insignificant clues that illuminate the way forward.Like a tracker seeking their target, a coach is helping you hone in on your true self, the path you desire most and the direction you need to take in your life. A skilled coach is able to recognise the small ‘stones’ you kick over and ensure you stay on course.What benefits will come from coaching? As coaching expands as an industry, so does the evidence supporting the benefits of coaching. Executive coaching has been found increase workplace wellbeing, goal attainment and resilience while decreasing stress and anxiety (Grant, Curtayne & Burton, 2009). Gallup, a global leader in strengths based management, has conducted research demonstrating that increases in profit, sales, customer engagement, employee engagement and reductions in turnover and safety incidents can all be linked back to strengths based coaching and management practices (Rigoni & Asplund, 2016). In addition to the growing body of quantitative evidence supporting executive coaching as a highly effective intervention, qualitative data suggests coachees experience an increase in self awareness, confidence, clarity, alignment to purpose and life satisfaction. Certainly with my own clients, coaching can be a highly profound, deeply personal process that creates significant positive change. All of my clients would agree that it isn't easy, but well worth the effort.Is coaching for everyone?My personal experience with coaching has taught me that the benefits a coachee receives are directly proportional to their readiness and willingness to be coached. For those that are willing and ready, coaching can be an amazing opportunity to bring forward decisions, tap into their true abilities and achieve their greatest aspirations. Beyond success, a coach’s greatest gift they can give a person is allowing them to fully embrace all of who they are and not be ashamed to show the world.If you'd like to explore how coaching might benefit you or someone you know, give me a call! ReferencesGrant, A., Frith, L., Burton, G. (2009). Executive coaching enhances goal attainment, resilience and workplace well-being: a randomised controlled study. The Journal of Positive Psychology: dedicated to furthering research and promoting good practice, 4(5), 396-407.Rigoni, B., Asplund, J. (2016). Coaches: Essential to building strengths-based companies. Gallup Business Journal, December 2016.