Are you addicted to saying yes?
Last week while eating my breakfast, coffee in hand still letting my body wake up for the day my daughter asked me a great question. “Where’s your dream holiday destination?” Without thinking too deeply I responded “Kakadu for a Barramundi fishing tour”.
Her eyes widened a bit and she nodded in acknowledgment. I then said, “you know where Kakadu is right?”. She gave me a slight nod….then a smile…then said “I actually don’t know”.
I asked her why she nodded if she didn’t actually know where it was. She laughed and said, “I don’t know…I just did”. While innocent, it highlights how easy it is to fall into the habit of simply agreeing or saying yes to everything.
I then proceeded to tell her about all the people of worked with over the years that have been addicted to saying yes….total yes junkies…the people that have an inability to simply let somebody know that they don’t know, or they aren’t able to do what they are being asked or they aren’t sure what they are being asked to do.
I’ve coached plenty of people over the years that have this aversion to saying no or feel the need to say yes to everything. I can wholeheartedly say that when yes becomes a habit, it creates more problems than it solves. At this point, I’ll share a great TED talk by Shonda Rhimes, the brains behind TV shows Greys Anatomy and Scandal. In her talk, she shares her story about how saying yes to everything for a year changed her life for the better. I love the TED talk and admire her personal transformation, but I disagree with saying yes to everything. I think it’s great clickbait, but horrible advice. In Shonda’s case, she refers to saying yes to playing with her daughter…no matter what. For a super busy person that puts work above all else, this was a massive commitment, but it wasn’t exactly saying yes to everything. Also, given her youngest daughter was only five at the time, a focussed 15min session of play was enough to satisfy her commitment most of the time.
I appreciate that if you’re a yes junkie, then kicking the habit cold turkey by replacing it with a ‘no’ might be a tall order. Instead, come up with a strategy to buy yourself some time before you over-commit yourself or agree to do something that you really don’t want to do. A simple strategy plenty of people use effectively is to say “Let me have a look at my existing commitments/priorities and I’ll come back to you”.
For those of you that are battling with a power dynamic, like a CEO that is demanding you drop everything, I want you to try the following. Imagine you were the CEO and the board was applying significant pressure on you to perform on behalf of the shareholders. It’s understandable that you might have a little more acid in your tone or be less tolerant of others. However, as the CEO you still want people to challenge you, provide you with important insights and have the courage to say ‘no’ or push back when necessary. How patronising is it to have people around you that simply say yes to your every suggestion, all the while they don’t believe in what they are doing?
What’s the moral of the story? practice saying no, being honest and having the courage to speak up. Saying yes to everything is lazy and the fastest way to diminish your value. A well-considered ‘no’ is more valuable than 100 lazy yes’.
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I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825