How coachable are you?
When I first started my career, I had a strong bias toward data. While you might think this is a good thing, it came at the expense of openness, intuition, curiosity, depth and learning. My training as a Psychologist was such that I felt that all truth was contained within the data, but I was thinking small. I had indeed convinced myself that if the data had not been captured and converted into numbers, then it was not relevant. I recall the first time that somebody coached me around my strengths.
It may shock some of you (especially my clients) but I was quite sceptical about the validity of coaching process and thought that it might be like going to see a clairvoyant or some other form of a psychic healer. I recall sitting back in my chair waiting to be ‘coached’ with an arrogance about me that I feel ashamed to reflect upon. Throughout the session, I was completely judgemental of my coach, literally rejecting all of what was being shared…and that was only the first 10mins. Very quickly, my coach realised that they weren’t getting very far with me and asked “Why are we here Joe? What do you want to get out of our time together?”. I wasn’t sure how to answer the question, other than saying something expected like “I’d like to understand how I can use my strengths more”. The session bumbled on and didn’t lead me to any insights or epiphanies.
Right at the end of the session, my coach asked me what insights I’d taken from our session. When I replied with “Not really…there wasn’t anything that came up that I didn’t already know”. My coach then said to me…”That’s because you’re not coachable….how can you coach somebody when they think they already know everything”. In shock, I didn’t have a reply at the moment….my first thought was “You’re not allowed to say that…you’re my coach! Aren’t you meant to make me feel good about myself or something?”.
Interestingly, that first coaching conversation was probably one of the best sessions I’ve ever had as it challenged me to reflect on how I was showing up. I saw myself as an open and curious thinker that valued people and insight above all else. I enjoyed intelligent discussions, being challenged and brainstorming ideas. What my coach was saying, completely contradicted everything I wanted to be and who I thought I was. What hurt the most, was that my coach was right! I wasn’t coachable and it was preventing me from experiencing everything I desired. Like most people, I didn’t like feeling vulnerable, threatened or stupid and for me admitting that I didn’t know something was the ultimate trifecta. I had this weird hang-up about not being smart enough so I spent all of my time making sure I ‘knew’ everything. Of course, knowing everything is impossible so what happens is your world becomes smaller and smaller. Your fear of being vulnerable becomes so overpowering that you create a shield of knowledge around yourself, constantly reinforcing it with the same knowledge or areas of expertise.
It’s rather ironic that my primary profession became a coaching psychologist and one of my favourite areas of discussion is about vulnerability. Researchers such as Brene Brown have invested their whole careers trying to understand vulnerability and how it works. What makes Brene Brown’s work so compelling is that she personifies it. In her my famous TED talk to date, she shared her vulnerability to communicate her research. There is no better way to demonstrate vulnerability than to be vulnerable.
How can you increase your coachability?
That first coaching experience that I had shook me up and awakened me to a truth that I needed to hear. It has also helped me identify that to get the most value from your coach you need to drop your guard and be vulnerable. The following represent some basic patterns you can introduce into your world to get the most out of coaching.
1) Be open: This might seem obvious and if you’d ask someone directly if they were open, most likely they will say ‘yes, of course, I’m open’. Your personality is likely to play a role in how open you are so if you like change, variety, and like to be challenged intellectually you will most likely be on the more ‘openminded’ end of the spectrum. If however, you are more conservative, change-averse, and prefer more pragmatic or practical discussion, you are on the more ‘closed-minded’ end of the spectrum. Regardless of your personality type, you will get more out of the coaching if you are open to being challenged, to see different perspectives, and want to continue to change/develop who you are.
2) Be curious: For coaching to work for you, you’ll need to bring a healthy dose of curiosity to the sessions. This looks like you asking questions, challenging your coach and most of all, challenging yourself. I great practice to get into is to start framing your questions (to yourself and others) with “I’m curious about…” or “I’m curious as to why…”. By increasing your curiosity you will naturally glean more insight from your coaching sessions.
3) Be willing to learn: For you to learn something, the first step is to accept that you do not already know the answer. If you already know everything, there is nothing to learn. Don’t confuse learning with fun either, sometimes the greatest lessons are delivered through the toughest challenges. As any teacher knows, the learning your student experiences are proportional to their willingness to engage.
The Coach
If your coach doesn’t appear to embody the coachability traits (Openness, Curiosity and Willingness to learn) then you might want to find another coach. Any great coach I know (and I know a lot) is a committed lifelong learner, willing to be challenged about anything…especially what they think they know. If you conversations are feeling one-sided or you aren’t getting what you need, before you throw the baby out with the bathwater, raise it with your coach so you can both work on the flow of your sessions. Like any relationship, you’ll need to find your point of connection to make it work. One final thought, there conversations that you have in everyday life that are coaching opportunities (to be coached and to coach). I’d encourage you to increase your awareness of these opportunities to speed up your progress.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825