Joe Hart 13/9/21 Joe Hart 13/9/21

Are you addicted to saying yes?

Last week while eating my breakfast, coffee in hand still letting my body wake-up for the day my daughter asked me a great question. “Where’s your dream holiday destination?” Without thinking too deeply I responded “Kakadu for a Barramundi fishing tour”.

Her eyes widened a bit and she nodded in acknowledgment. I then said, “you know where Kakadu is right?”. She gave me a slight nod….then a smile…then said “I actually don’t know”.

I asked her why she nodded if she didn’t actually know where it was. She laughed and said “I don’t know…I just did”. While innocent, it highlights how easy it is to fall into the habit of simply agreeing or saying yes to everything.

Last week while eating my breakfast, coffee in hand still letting my body wake up for the day my daughter asked me a great question. “Where’s your dream holiday destination?” Without thinking too deeply I responded “Kakadu for a Barramundi fishing tour”.

Her eyes widened a bit and she nodded in acknowledgment. I then said, “you know where Kakadu is right?”. She gave me a slight nod….then a smile…then said “I actually don’t know”.

I asked her why she nodded if she didn’t actually know where it was. She laughed and said, “I don’t know…I just did”. While innocent, it highlights how easy it is to fall into the habit of simply agreeing or saying yes to everything.

I then proceeded to tell her about all the people of worked with over the years that have been addicted to saying yes….total yes junkies…the people that have an inability to simply let somebody know that they don’t know, or they aren’t able to do what they are being asked or they aren’t sure what they are being asked to do.

I’ve coached plenty of people over the years that have this aversion to saying no or feel the need to say yes to everything. I can wholeheartedly say that when yes becomes a habit, it creates more problems than it solves. At this point, I’ll share a great TED talk by Shonda Rhimes, the brains behind TV shows Greys Anatomy and Scandal. In her talk, she shares her story about how saying yes to everything for a year changed her life for the better. I love the TED talk and admire her personal transformation, but I disagree with saying yes to everything. I think it’s great clickbait, but horrible advice. In Shonda’s case, she refers to saying yes to playing with her daughter…no matter what. For a super busy person that puts work above all else, this was a massive commitment, but it wasn’t exactly saying yes to everything. Also, given her youngest daughter was only five at the time, a focussed 15min session of play was enough to satisfy her commitment most of the time.

I appreciate that if you’re a yes junkie, then kicking the habit cold turkey by replacing it with a ‘no’ might be a tall order. Instead, come up with a strategy to buy yourself some time before you over-commit yourself or agree to do something that you really don’t want to do. A simple strategy plenty of people use effectively is to say “Let me have a look at my existing commitments/priorities and I’ll come back to you”.

For those of you that are battling with a power dynamic, like a CEO that is demanding you drop everything, I want you to try the following. Imagine you were the CEO and the board was applying significant pressure on you to perform on behalf of the shareholders. It’s understandable that you might have a little more acid in your tone or be less tolerant of others. However, as the CEO you still want people to challenge you, provide you with important insights and have the courage to say ‘no’ or push back when necessary. How patronising is it to have people around you that simply say yes to your every suggestion, all the while they don’t believe in what they are doing?

What’s the moral of the story? practice saying no, being honest and having the courage to speak up. Saying yes to everything is lazy and the fastest way to diminish your value. A well-considered ‘no’ is more valuable than 100 lazy yes’.

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I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.

If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825

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Joe Hart 31/8/21 Joe Hart 31/8/21

Where's your coach?

One night I got hooked into watching a Table Tennis match that was a nail biter, and they were playing to get into the quarter-finals. After an intense game, they were all tied up for the deciding set and that’s when I noticed something strange. Between sets, they are allowed to have a quick chat with their coach to talk strategy, go over the game plan, and reset their thinking. For one player, there was no discussion, nor strategy talk….he didn’t have a coach!

While watching the Olympic games this year I was particularly interested in observing the interaction coaches were having with their players.

At an elite level, I was shocked at what I was seeing. I also couldn’t help but imagine what was going through this player’s mind. He was facing elimination from the Olympic games, a tournament of the highest calibre, yet he had no coach. Instead, he was sitting head in his hands, rubbing the sweat off his face with a towel.

When the cameras focussed on the other player, there was a lively discussion between the player and coach. There was lots of nodding, passionate instruction, a bit of a shoulder massage and what looked to be plenty of reinforcement that winning was entirely possible.

Of course, the player that had a coach won but that isn’t the point. When I did a bit of research, it turned out that the player without a coach had managed to beat one of the tournament favourites the round before. He also did this without a coach.

In May last year, I wrote an article about the value of coaching. While there is strong evidence to support an increase in performance across almost any domain, I reckon the best part of having a coach is the process of sharing those moments of success and hardship. It’s about having support in those critical moments where your thoughts and actions aren’t aligned. It’s in those moments where all of the prep, all the techniques, all the training become relevant…and the coach is right there with you.

It’s commonplace to have a coach at the elite level, but every now and then, somebody goes it alone and still achieves success. Whether you have a coach or not won’t guarantee success or failure but one thing is for certain, your experience will be a whole lot richer if you do have a coach in your corner, helping lead you when it inevitably gets hard.

Joe Hart 24/8/21 Joe Hart 24/8/21

Is that really true?

How much of what you say is true? To even attempt to answer that question, you first need to be keenly aware of the words and phrases you are using. This is especially important if you are in a leadership role with significant influence.

Today I had a kick-off coaching session (virtual of course) with a new client. She was providing me with an overview of her situation and what she’d like to address in our sessions together.

As I was listening I noticed a pattern emerge in her language when she said “I’m happy to take on the extra work…..” when referring to how busy and under-resourced she was. However, the way she said it indicated that she wasn’t happy at all. The second time I heard her say it, I asked her if that was actually true. Was she happy to take on the extra work?

After a long pause, she said, “No..I’m not actually happy at all”. She then wanted to talk more about why and the fact that asking her to do more work was unfair, at which point I brought her back to the simple truth of noticing the incongruence between the words she used and how she felt. The truth is, she isn’t alone. I think much of our self-talk and the well-rehearsed idioms we use in our everyday conversations don’t match what we actually feel. I also think it’s why many leaders fail to establish trust and credibility.

Much of our distress boils down to feeling helpless, undervalued, used, taken for granted or rejected. These feelings usually manifest when you don’t feel heard or you’re struggling to express what’s really going on for you. Next time you’re sharing your challenges with someone, take notice of the language you use and whether it matches what you feel.

This reflective process is critical in establishing your awareness as a leader. Without awareness, you can’t lead yourself. If you can’t lead yourself, there’s no chance anyone will follow you. When your words match your feelings, you are leading with the truth. When you lead with the truth, people listen.

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Joe Hart 13/5/19 Joe Hart 13/5/19

How master manipulators keep you on their string

As a child, the world is full of wonderment, everyexperience is new and filled with excitement. The world feels like a magicalplace of endless possibility. Until of course, we hit our teenage years and oneday we wake up to the familiar burden of the mundane, the known and the boring.While the contrast is stark, our wonderment slowly ebbs away with each joyfulexperience fading like a favourite shirt that’s seen too much sun. As adults,we are constantly pursuing the magic, the innocence and the curiosity that weall once had for the world. So much so that we can overcompensate by fallingvictim to those that see our insecurities, our weaknesses, and our deepestdesires.

When I was about 15, my dad was working toward developing a puppet show that he could tour locally in schools, markets, and private shows. He’d worked long and hard on it and needed someone to help him out as a second performer. Being fascinated with such things, I was more than happy to help. As I got to understand the show, learn my lines, practice how to perform using glove puppets, I soon began to appreciate the art form. I also became increasingly aware of the ‘magic’ tricks associated with bringing a puppet to life. For example, if you’ve ever watched a puppet show, what makes it brilliant is when the puppets interact with the audience. They come to life as real characters by asking questions, pointing people out and making quick-witted comments in response to any hecklers (usually a pesky 3-year-old) amongst the audience. For a child, the mystery is too great…and the puppets are confirmed as the real deal. There is no possibility that they are fake. For adults, they are impressed at the cleverness of the script and wonder how such a feat is achieved…all the while knowing that a puppeteer is in control of the show.

They keep us on their string by being highly entertaining to all, brilliant storytellers, quick-witted and almost psychic in their responsiveness to their stakeholders. Such abilities are extremely powerful for influencing stakeholders and equally damaging for those that get drawn in.

For those of you that know, this will seem obvious, but the secret lies in the material used as the backdrop. It’s a very thin vale, with highly reflective material so when lights are shone directly at its surface it sparkles brilliantly for the audience. For the puppeteer, however, this becomes the perfect camouflage to observe the audience undetected. For the illusion to work, the puppeteer must be in complete darkness otherwise their silhouette becomes detectable and the illusion of the puppets being alive is destroyed. I distinctly recall one show where my dad and I were about halfway through our version of 3 billy goats gruff. Suddenly an overly bold child (most likely the pesky 3-year-old heckler from before) snuck around the back of our puppet theatre and lifted the canvas door. Light poured in exposing the magic trick, the child’s face was a combination of excitement and disbelief. The answer they were looking for was right in front of them….they just didn’t want to believe that what once was beautiful and magical was now just a man with his hand in a puppet.

Puppeteers are master manipulators, actors and magicians all rolled into one. An ageless art form that continues to capture the imagination of audiences to this day. I’d like you to consider the master manipulators you’ve come across in your work-life over the years. More specifically, I’m referring to the Machiavellian leaders from the Dark Triad (Machiavellian, Narcissism, Psychopathy). Those that appear to be able to manipulate us with their cunning, strategic minds. Lure us in with their charisma and appear to understand our emotional state providing us with a sense of comfort and security. They always know what the right thing is to say. Like the puppeteer, these master manipulators have a highly reflective backdrop that when surrounded by darkness makes their true character completely undetectable. They keep us on their string by being highly entertaining to all, brilliant storytellers, quick-witted and almost psychic in their responsiveness to their stakeholders. Such abilities are extremely powerful for influencing stakeholders and equally damaging for those that get drawn in.

Nobody likes being manipulated, especially when they have no idea it is happening. There are those that prefer not to know how a magic trick works and enjoy the sheer entertainment of it all. They buy their ticket at the door, scoff some popcorn and immerse themselves in the experience. In contrast, there are some that prefer not to get involved at all. They stay at home in safety, never exposing themselves to the thrill of the illusion. Finally, there are those that are familiar with the ‘magic’ of it all and revel in the opportunity to take up a ringside seat at the circus, carefully watching each act to see if they can spot the trick, catch the illusion or unveil the master manipulator.

As a psychologist and executive coach, I’d like to share myperspective on how to deal with a Machiavellian leader as it’s highly likelythat you will have to at some stage….or most likely already have!

If you’ve cottoned on to their cunning ways, manipulative tendencies, and magnetic lure. Move on, get out and don’t look back. While you may want to go toe to toe with them, demonstrating your ability to uncloak their true character, you’ll ultimately fail.
If you’re currently caught in the web of a Machiavellian leader but aren’t sure, ask yourself how they make you feel. If this swings between “I can do anything” to “I feel smaller than a grain of sand”, I hate to break it to you but you’re being manipulated. Upon this realisation, see point 1) Move on, get out and don’t look back.
Like most people, you’ll ignore my advice and think that you are a smart capable human being who is resilient and strong. Therefore, you will go toe to toe, you’ll jump in the ring with them and give it all you’ve got. You may even knock them down a few times but to your dismay, they keep popping back up again like a bobo doll. Here’s the secret, like the highly reflective backdrop of a puppet theatre, you can’t see the puppeteer’s true character, the harder you look you will begin to see a form. That form is merely your own distorted reflection, your shadow self, aka, your dark side. The sooner you recognise that by fighting the Machiavellian leader, you are fighting with yourself, the better equipped you will be to bow out gracefully, move on, get out, and never look back.

One closing remark, spare a thought for the Machiavellian leader, the master manipulator or the genius puppeteer. While you may not feel they deserve any of your empathy, consider their existence. Highly reflective, surrounded by darkness, living by stealth to remain undetected. A keen observer of others, but never observing themselves. Their own reflection is impossible to detect in the absence of light. Despite their relationships, they are never truly known to others. A victim of themselves, ostracised by their inability to see themselves. As one can only imagine, isolated to a small room in complete darkness devoid of any connections would be the ultimate punishment. Understand that when you try to take them on, you are stepping into that darkness with them. My advice, have empathy for their suffering then move on, get out and never look back!

Joe Hart 25/3/19 Joe Hart 25/3/19

What's Love got to do with It?

In all my travels, my many conversations as a colleague, coach, friend, husband, father, sibling or son have brought me to one insight that I believe matters above all else. The question is: What has love got to do with it? My answer: Everything! And here's why….

I caught the tail-end of a conversation the otherday that ended with "what can you do……it's just a job". Based on thetone of the statement and accompanying gesture (both hands raised to the airwith shrugged shoulders), it seemed to come off the back of a strainedconversation due to frustrations they were experiencing. More specifically,there was a sense of acceptance coupled with resignation. By this I mean, theyweren't happy with the situation but had accepted to not challenge further asit wasn't that important to them. Reserving judgment (while also acknowledgingthe number of times I have used the same phrase or similar), I wondered whetherthis person loves what they do…. or even believes that it's possible to lovewhat they do.

"If you know what's in your heart, don't waste time questioning what it all means or making it fit your life's narrative, make a choice, strap yourself in and lead your life!"

We are all familiar with the saying "if youlove what you do, you'll never have to work a day in your life" but howmany of us believe that it's possible? In thinking this through and havingnumerous discussions with people on the topic, it seems love is usually notsomething that people associate with work. Taking that thread even further….people seem quite uncomfortable discussing love in a work context. At thispoint, I feel it's important to define what I mean by love as there are as manydefinitions out there as there are people on this planet (7.6 billion based onthe most recent count).

Love defined- Through all my searches, there seems to be a common acceptance about the distinction between feelings of ‘love' vs a feeling of being ‘in love'. To be in love is usually reserved for a life partner, soul mate or those that we choose to marry. To love someone or something is far broader in scope such as an activity (hobby), a family member, friend, pet, job or even a holiday destination. While to ‘love' or be ‘in love' have clear differences there is an obvious overlap worth acknowledging:

They are both expressions of strong feelings of passion, affection and come directly from one's heart

They both require a great deal of courage to express what you really feel and vulnerability to be hurt in the process of expression

When we give or receive love, there is no question…. you simply feel what you know to be true

Now that we are clear about love, let's bring itback to the work context and how it applies here. Through all my coaching overthe years, when people describe great leadership, amazing workplace culture,high performing teams, or an exemplary individual performance it always soundsvery similar. Something like the following:

People describe a sense of passion, commitment andconviction in what they do that feels genuine and true
They have the courage to express themselvesopenly…even if it means showing their vulnerabilities
When challenged about why they do what they do, thereis no doubt, question or ambivalence

As you can see the similarities between love in life and love at work are unquestionable. As interesting as this might be, you are likely wondering what to do with this (if anything). My advice to anyone that is curious about this (and this applies as much to me as anybody that I coach) is to allow yourself to feel what is already in your heart. This is something that you already know how to do but you are likely to be distracted with to-do lists, actions, people to meet, bosses to manage up to, KPI's to hit and families to cater to that you aren't able to acknowledge what is truly in your heart i.e. what is most important to you. As a final thought for you to ponder, to ‘love' in whatever capacity is always a choice. This choice takes commitment, conviction, energy, and courage. If you know what's in your heart, don't waste time questioning what it all means or making it fit your life's narrative, make a choice, strap yourself in and lead your life!

Joe Hart 4/8/17 Joe Hart 4/8/17

Why trust is a dirty word

When we consider trust, what do we actually mean? Is it the idea that somebody will get the job done in that “I completely trust that you will lead this project to success”. Or is it more about the underlying motivation or agenda that one carries? For example “I’m not sure why my colleagues have called this meeting….I don’t have complete trust in their motivations”. The other aspect of trust could be more applicable in a team situation where such comments as “We all need to trust each other more….that way we can be more effective as a team” or “Let’s start by getting to know one another on a deeper level”. Sound familiar?When we consider the abovementioned examples, what we are really talking about is understanding. “ I understand what you are capable of and know you will lead the project to success”. “I understand the motivations behind calling a meeting and it makes sense” Or “I understand the values and needs of everyone in my team which makes me feel close to them”.Without understanding, we default to assumptions which start to erode any trust that exists or fail to build trust if it was never present. As I mentioned in my post about honesty where I dissected the difficulties people face with being honest…..trust is also plagued with similar challenges. In order to build trust in other people and in teams, vulnerability must be acknowledged and embraced. So really, without honesty, trust can’t grow, without trust, people don’t share information and we end up communicating in an inefficient 'cloak and dagger' world that encourages us to engage in behaviour that benefits us at the expense of others.I’ve facilitated countless sessions where trust has been flagged as a key issue within the team. Those that have the courage to raise the issue are usually frowned upon or tainted with creating the problem by verbalising it. So, next time you are in that team offsite, it’s at the end of the day and no real actions have come from it and you see your manager pushing for someone to address the elephant in the room. Before you blurt out trust as the issue, consider your understanding of the team dynamics, the individual differences and your understanding of what is holding the team back.If, after consideration, you are still going to raise trust as an issue, I challenge you to experiment by substituting the word "trust" for a profanity to see how the responses differ. You will likely find that, like the word trust, you will get lots of attention, but it will usually be overlooked or ignored as a lapse in judgement or loss of control. If you aren't feeling trusted in or trusting of your team, the likelihood is high that others are feeling the same way. To change this try the following:

Frame the issue around gaining a deeper understanding of the team's purpose and put forward your intent as constructive and long term.
Rather than state the obvious, take some individual responsibility to create a team that you want to be part of. Verbalise the traits of a team you would be proud to be a part of.
Put forward suggestions to improve team collaboration that YOU would like to take the lead on.
If there are some obvious personality clashes in the room, rather than tip-toe around it, tackle it head on. Like ripping off a bandaid, it might hurt in the moment, but it will allow the team to move forward.

If your team needs a little True Perspective, let me help you.