Do you 'Serve' or do you 'Save'?
When working in the human services - I’m talking about Psychologists, Human Resource professionals, Counsellors, Executive Coaches, or Social Workers- there is a common thread that unifies them all in what they do; to be of service to others. While this sounds fulfilling, and it is, it’s often confused with ‘saving’ others and as you can imagine there is a huge difference.
When I was studying my undergraduate psychology degree, I was interested in becoming a clinical psychologist. I was advised along with many of my fellow students to do some volunteer work for Lifeline Australia, a not for profit 24/7 suicide intervention telephone counselling service. I went through the training which was fantastic and still ranks as some of the best development I’ve received as a coach and Psychologist. About a year into my time as a telephone counsellor I started to question whether I was really making a difference. I was answering calls, supporting people but still didn’t feel like it was enough. One evening when I completed a shift, I was doing a debrief with the person that was due to take over and it happened to be the CEO of Lifeline at the time…yep, even the CEO put in the time to serve those in need. It was in the debrief with the CEO that I figured out what I was missing…I wasn’t aiming to serve people I was trying to save people. I’d shared my disillusionment with the CEO and he simply asked “Why are you here right now?” my answer “I want to help save lives…but I feel like I’m not having an impact”. I could tell by the way he looked at me that I was going about it all wrong. Unless I actually saved somebody’s life, I thought my contribution was negligible…..talk about setting myself up for failure!
The truth is, I see many people in leadership roles making the same mistake. Rather than seek to serve people, they are trying to save people which is where it all goes wrong. I speak with a lot of leaders and managers all of whom share a desire to develop people in their teams. Somewhere on the way, their desire to save everybody morphs into a yearning to help anybody which in turn leaves them serving nobody…least of all themselves. I call this the Everybody>Anybody>Nobody rule, and it’s the fastest way to burn yourself out.
Stop trying to save people and start serving
Have you ever heard the saying “You can’t save everybody”? Well, I hear it often and I like to rephrase it to “you can’t save anybody…that part’s up to them”. Of course, I’m not talking about Lifeguards, Doctors, or Paramedics because saving lives is what they get paid to do. I’m talking about well-meaning managers that are trying to make sure everybody is looked after or an HR professional that puts everybody else’s needs first. Ironically, the desire to ‘save’ others is a selfish act driven by a desire to be of value and recognised for such noteworthy contributions. It’s the narcissistic shadow in all of us that wants to be the one that ‘saved’ somebody. People tell me all the time that they want to be an executive coach or counsellor so they can experience those moments when somebody has an epiphany that turns their life around. While it sounds like a great reason to become a coach, it’s not realistic nor sustainable to think that it will occur in every conversation. Similarly, a leader would be a fool to think that they could successfully develop every person that ever works for them. Your role as a coach or leader is to serve those who you work with, which starts by understanding what they most need. How do you figure that out? Ask them! It’s as simple as asking “What do you most need right now?” While they may not always be articulate in their response, it’s a great act of service to help them get clarity.
Don’t be afraid to let them fail
As a parent of four, I’m all too aware of the desire to want my kids to succeed, to see them flourish, be happy and have confidence. While I know that the times in my life where I’ve experienced the most growth have been some of the toughest, I can’t help but steer my kids clear of oncoming obstacles to spare them of unnecessary challenge. Again, this represents a tendency to want to save rather than serve and it’s my desire to save them from failing that stops me from serving them as a supporting father. The same goes for coaches of individuals, managers of teams and CEOs of organisations. If you’re working hard to save people from themselves, then your not serving them as a leader….you need to let go of control and let them fail. There is no substitute for the feeling of something slip through your fingers. Sometimes allowing people to experience that feeling for themselves is the greatest way to serve them…and yourself.
They need to work harder than you
If you’re working harder on them than you are on yourself, there’s something wrong. Equally, if you’re working harder on them they they are on themselves, stop it right now. Your job as a parent, coach, manager or leader is to be there to love, support, serve and inspire. At no point should you be tearing your hair out with frustration at the lack of reciprocity you are receiving. If you find yourself in that situation, rather than continue to push the proverbial uphill, commit to having an honest conversation about what’s not working. Try not to say something like “I feel like you aren’t putting in the work” but rather try asking “What will it take for you to succeed right now?”. Hopefully the question triggers a valuable discussion to get them back on track. If you get an “I don’t know”….or “I’m not sure” that’s your cue to serve them, not save them, and sometimes that means giving them some breathing space to figure out what they need.
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I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825