Attention all Parents and Managers: Do You Care Enough?
The similarities of being a parent and leading a team of people in a work context are undeniable. Parents and leaders alike, often describe feeling like they are pulled from pillar to post, selflessly giving all of who they are for the betterment of their successors. They shield them from compromising situations, they protect their welfare (helicopter parents or ‘air-cover’ in the work context), they teach them valuable life lessons and they mentor them to improve (otherwise known as lecturing). Interestingly, both parents and leaders describe a similar frustration with their perceived lack of appreciation by saying things like “If only they knew how valuable these lessons are that I’m teaching them” or “I put so much effort into making sure their situation is better than what I had to deal with…they just don’t seem to get it” or “I’m done….I can’t keep making all these sacrifices and not receive any sort of thanks or recognition for everything I do”….or “ you know what…I don’t care anymore, they can do whatever they want… one day they’ll realise I’m right”.
What this means for you
If these phrases resonate with you, whether you’re a parent or a professional, you’re wasting your time if you expect any sort of kudos for your efforts. The truth is, even if they said all the right things, it’s empty unless it’s followed up with some action. Most people know exactly what you want to hear to get you off their back. It delivers a short term burst of positive emotion for the receiver but, like the buzz experienced from a hit of caffeine or sugar, it wears off quickly. It feels good but you know it’s got false energy behind it. It’s seductive and easy….but deep down you know it’s fake. It’s simply a reflection that they have likely figured out how you were influencing them to do what you wanted….they’ve cracked the code so to speak, and started beating you at your own transactional game. Their behaviour toward you is a direct reflection of how they view you….and if that view is transactional, then you’ve only got yourself to blame.
Why am I sharing this?
I’m obsessed with helping people see themselves the way the rest of the world sees them. When we are able to tap into others’ perspectives, we open the door to a powerful form of empathy that drives us to act in ways that realign us to how we want to be experienced. In doing so, we consciously create a legacy that makes us feel proud of who we are, clearly articulate what we want and know with certainty why we matter. By taking our own perspective and rounding it out with the view of all our stakeholders (the good, the bad and the ugly)we are left with what I call the ‘true perspective’ of you; the true view of you. This ‘True Perspective’, if you choose to accept it as valid, is what will enable you to lead with the truth both personally and professionally.
Applied learning
Lately, I’ve been going through the same challenges every parent of teenagers is inevitably faced with. Ultimately, our teenagers start to push the relationship boundaries and want to explore and shape their identities more fully. This is all part of the transition from childhood to adulthood and a necessary rite of passage. Nonetheless, it can be a painful and difficult time for parents as they are required to take on more of a leadership role in the relationship because the *autocratic method that works very well with young kids doesn’t get the same result with teenagers. The more complex issues (motivation, purpose, identity, power, equality and status) that are introduced by teenagers require a long term strategy that is focussed on continually growing and deepening the relationship. Obviously everybody wants to be able to focus on developing a long-term, ever-deepening relationship with your teenager but and direct attempt will most likely result in rejection. The same is true for managers….while it sounds like a great plan to have a deep relationship with your direct reports, unless you meet their emotional needs first, they will never interpret your behaviour as a genuine attempt to build connection.
Understanding your level of care
As people, we all have emotional needs that when you start going deeper, all link back to one basic need; the need to be loved. Basically, we all need to feel loved, accepted, that we belong and that regardless of what’s happening, somebody deeply cares about us. I know this sounds incredibly basic but it’s astonishing how often this point is missed. To simplify this further, your behaviour as a parent, or a manager, will get classified in one of three ways.
Absence: This is when someone feels ignored by their parent or manager. They have no information to interpret so in the absence of information, they make stuff up. What they make up typically sounds like “They don’t love me” or “They clearly don’t care about me because I never see or hear from them”. Of course, this interpretation could be completely wrong but in the absence of information, they get stuck in their own thinking which is typically negative.
Presence: This is when someone knows they are loved, cared about and have all of the basic needs met. They feel safe, looked after, valued and worthy. It really is the bare minimum that you would expect of a parent or manager. The issue with this is it can easily be achieved by saying all of the right things. As we all know, it’s not enough to simply tell somebody you love them, you need to show them that you love them through your actions. As human beings, a red flag goes up when what someone says is misaligned with what someone does.
Perseverance: This is the most powerful but most difficult level to achieve. This is the idea of tough love and comes in the form of intervention and disruption. The real question that you are answering at this level is “Do they care about me enough to take action or intervene?”. It’s not a thought or something that you say but no less than what you do that confirms whether you really care or not. It is the ultimate test and requires an act of selflessness from the parent or professional.
What’s the point?
Whether you are a parent leading a family or a professional leading a team, you are judged (broadly) as falling into one of these three categories. You are responsible for establishing the ground rules for building a long-term relationship with the people you are primarily responsible for. You need to focus on the trilogy of thoughts, words and acts of love to reinforce that the relationship is important to you. As messy as it gets…and it will certainly get messy, your primary concern is to think, say and act with the intention to demonstrate that you care about them AND you care so much that you are willing to put your own emotional needs on hold, to ensure that their emotional needs are met. As a parent and as a manager….you need to understand that IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!
Parents - read this
For the parents out there, if you’re worried that by putting some clear boundaries around who your teenager hangs out with and where they hang out, they are going to hate you. My advice, get over yourself and get used to the discomfort that comes with doing your job as a parent or manager. Their rejection of you is a test to see if you care enough to intervene, take action and stick by your word. They will thank you in the long term and you will grow as a leader.
Managers/Professionals - read this
As a manager or professional, if you are struggling to address some performance challenges you are having with a direct report because you don’t want to disrupt the positive relationships and engagement in the team. Again…get over yourself and see the bigger picture. If you take the line of perseverance, you look to the long-term viability of the relationship and forgo the easy, lazy option of saying nothing at all. Everybody can see that what you have to do takes courage, isn’t easy and nobody would want to be in your shoes. On the flip side, there is no other option but to ‘embrace the suck’ as Brene Brown would say.
Everybody - read this
Due to their similarity, I’ve been directing you toward considering this framework in relation to the role of a manager or a parent. If you play either these roles, both or neither, it doesn’t really matter. The core issue we are dealing with is relevant do any meaningful relationship you have in your life…be it personal or at work. The next time you find yourself justifying somebody else’s behaviour, wishing another person could see something from your perspective, getting frustrated, angry, sad as a result of something they did. I want you to ask yourself one question - Do I care enough to intervene and take action? You can be certain that if you aren’t asking that question and answering it with a strong ‘yes’. They will be left with the conclusion that you don’t care and that they don’t really matter.
*By autocratic methods, I mean using your power and authority to punish, bribe and threaten to get the outcome you want. For example, a father might say to his child “If you don’t brush your teeth right now you won’t be allowed to play the iPad for a whole week…..one….two….two and a half”.
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A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825