Toxic Triangles: Why your team keeps failing
When the team was at its worst and I was contemplating my next step, a conversation I’d had with a mentor a few years earlier sprang to mind. I had been explaining to him my challenges with one of my colleagues which most likely sounded like me having a ‘bitch session’. I could see he was growing tired of the conversation so he cut me off by asking “Has this colleague of yours given you a license?”…I replied, “Ummm…sorry, not sure what you mean”. He then said, “The way you are speaking about them, it’s as if they’ve given you a license to talk shit about them”. Realising what he was getting at I said “Yeah…but I’m not sure they are willing to listen to some of my challenges…and it would just turn into an argument anyway”. He replied with “It doesn’t matter, unless you’ve earned your license by having the conversation with them first, bitching and talking crap about each other is toxic for the culture…you’ve got to cut it out”. I was taken aback, I’d never really considered myself to be the bitching type before, but he was right. For the next couple of days, I got really conscious of my behaviour and I noticed how many conversations I was having that I was ‘unlicensed’ to have. I felt terrible, I had unwittingly been part of creating a toxic culture. Having recalled that lesson, here I was again, caught up in a toxic culture where people were talking about each other, not to each other.
Like millions of people, I’ve been fully engaged in the Netflix series ‘The last dance’ featuring the golden years of the Chicago bulls with Jordan, Pippen and Rodman. I was particularly taken by Phil Jackson and his unorthodox coaching style, so much so that I’ve just finished reading his book ‘11 rings’ detailing how he led the Bulls and Lakers to six and five NBA championships respectively. There are so many great leadership principles that Phil references, most of which are based on Zen Buddhist practices. Above all, his efforts aim to create a winning team through moving them to what he calls a stage 5 team which represents “life is great” and the players are moving beyond playing to win but playing for the pure joy of the game.
The Triangle Offence
From a strategic perspective, Phil utilised the ‘Triangle offence’ as a powerful way for the team to score points in an unpredictable, creative and often improvised way. One of the challenges with implementing this strategy is that players often need to sacrifice their own ambition to be the best individual performer in favour of the team’s success. In other words, they need to play as a team, not as a group that are all aiming to get the ball to the best player on the team. When coaching extremely competitive and stupendously gifted players such as Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant, this was a significant challenge but Phil Jackson helped both players grow as leaders by trusting their teammates and being more selfless with the ball.
A great team
While I don’t pretend to be an expert in basketball strategy and was only a lukewarm fan at best, I love leadership, team effectiveness and culture so couldn’t help but make a connection with how Phil Jackson masterfully coaches teams to success and what great business leaders do. I cast my mind back to a team that I was working in that felt like (I can only imagine) the 1998 Chicago Bulls. Everything worked like clockwork, we were connected, we trusted one another, and we were really successful. Like any team, there was conflict but it was healthy conflict, the sort of conflict that you can have knowing that people won’t take it as a personal attack but see it as a commitment to the success of the team.
A horrible team
In contrast, I can also recall being on a team that had loads of individual talent and should have been extremely effective but failed to get results due to the absence of trust. In Patrick Lencioni’s ‘Five dysfunctions of a team’, he references the absence of trust as the foundation for the team to be able to achieve results. If the team doesn’t trust one another, everything else falls apart. In this particular team, the trust had eroded so much that team members were speaking poorly about one another to anyone that would listen. The worst perpetrator of the team was none other than the manager! It was clear that the manager had the best of intentions when speaking with the team. The idea was to build trust by bringing each of them into the ‘circle’ so to speak. For a moment, team members felt special (me included) when our manager pulled us aside to confide in us about all the gossip. However, this behaviour created a toxic environment fueled by secret squirrel conversations that served nobody and prevented the team from being effective.
Creating a toxic culture
When the team was at its worst and I was contemplating my next step, a conversation I’d had with a mentor a few years earlier sprang to mind. I had been explaining to him my challenges with one of my colleagues which most likely sounded like me having a ‘bitch session’. I could see he was growing tired of the conversation so he cut me off by asking “Has this colleague of yours given you a license?”…I replied, “Ummm…sorry, not sure what you mean”. He then said, “The way you are speaking about them, it’s as if they’ve given you a license to talk shit about them”. Realising what he was getting at I said “Yeah…but I’m not sure they are willing to listen to some of my challenges…and it would just turn into an argument anyway”. He replied with “It doesn’t matter, unless you’ve earned your license by having the conversation with them first, bitching and talking crap about each other is toxic for the culture…you’ve got to cut it out”. I was taken aback, I’d never really considered myself to be the bitching type before, but he was right. For the next couple of days, I got really conscious of my behaviour and I noticed how many conversations I was having that I was ‘unlicensed’ to have. I felt terrible, I had unwittingly been part of creating a toxic culture. Having recalled that lesson, here I was again, caught up in a toxic culture where people were talking about each other, not to each other.
No triangles
While Phil Jackson used the triangle offence to lead the team to success, I later learned of the ‘No triangles’ strategy to ensure you engage your team and build a high trust culture. It’s as simple and as elegant as the strategy used by Phil Jackson to win 11 championships but it takes hard work, discipline and a commitment from each team member to put aside their personal ambitions in favour of the team. In case you haven’t heard of the ‘No Triangles offence’ it’s really simple. If you’re going to say something about someone, you say it to their face. This goes for both positive and negative comments. Talking crap about people behind their back, using your 1:1 time with your manager to raise issues about another team member, spending time discussing a colleague with other members of your team….not OK.
Fig 1. Toxic Triangle in a team context
For example in fig 1. Employee 1 takes offence to something that employee 2 said to them following a team meeting. Rather than address this directly, employee 1 decides to raise it with their manager. The manager takes on the feedback from employee 1 and feels a responsibility to raise the issue with employee 2. Following the conversation with the manager, employee 2 feels misunderstood and betrayed by employee 1 which makes reconciliation even more difficult.
The number of times I’ve seen this ‘Toxic Triangle’ play out in the workforce is ridiculous and I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of Toxic Triangles too! The above example is just one way it can occur, there are many different examples of how this could play out within a team or organisation. However, there are two truths that always remain.
The toxic triangle is caused by people not speaking with each other directly.
Regardless of how skilled you are, it always ends in tears.
From Toxic to Trust triangles
To solve the problem, I’d like to suggest that we change the mantra from ‘No Triangles’ to ‘No Toxic Triangles’ and here’s why. Having been caught up in these triangles before, it’s really hard not to engage in social grooming, a basic human instinct that is hardwired into us (See Andrew O’Keeffe’s Hardwired Humans for more on this). However, I think it’s possible with the right sort of commitment to the system, that each team member can seek to create ‘Trust triangles’. The rules are really simple.
Fig 2. Trust Triangle in a team context
Using our previous example, we can see in Fig 2 that when employee 1 had an issue with employee 2, they addressed it with them on the spot. They still didn’t feel satisfied with the situation so they raised the issue with their manager. The manager then had a coaching conversation with employee 1 as to how they could seek to gain more resolve with employee 2. Employee 2 decided to raise the challenges with the manager who openly shared that they were aware of the issue and provided further coaching on how best to resolve their differences. Employee 1 and employee 2 had further discussion about their differences and what they will agree to do differently. Like the toxic triangle, there are two truths about the trust triangle that will always remain.
The trust triangle facilitates dialogue by speaking directly to one another, not about one another.
While conflict may occur and a resolution may not be possible, the trust will be reinforced through the system.
Using this simple and effective system, you too can aim to build strong engaged teams that are built on a foundation of high trust, open dialogue, and a willingness to have tough conversations. Are you in a toxic triangle right now? How could you facilitate dialogue that creates more direct communication that builds trust?
References
O’keeffe, A., (2011). HARDWIRED HUMANS. Australia: Roundtable Press.
Jackson, P., & Delehanty, H., (2014). Eleven Rings. LONDON: Penguin Random House UK.
Lencioni, P., (2002). The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A leadership Fable. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
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If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Learning how to learn: The infinite pattern
2020 is already becoming the most challenging year most people have ever experienced. Rather than fill your newsfeed with strategies to ‘Lead through uncertainty’ or ‘manage your team via zoom’, I wanted to share what I learned in 2005, 15 years ago. Joseph Campbell’s work on the Hero’s journey inspired me to create the infinite pattern which I’ve used to recount my experience.
2020 is already becoming the most challenging year most people have ever experienced. Rather than fill your newsfeed with strategies to ‘Lead through uncertainty’ or ‘manage your team via zoom’, I wanted to share what I learned in 2005, 15 years ago. Joseph Campbell’s work on the Hero’s journey inspired me to create the infinite pattern which I’ve used to recount my experience.
1) The Call to learn (January 2005)
I’d worked my arse off to get accepted into the honours year for my bachelors in Psychology. I spent most of my first-year and second-year at university trying to figure out what I wanted to study, but by the time I found psychology, I’d already racked up a few fails on my academic transcript. By third-year, things were getting more serious and I’d decided I wanted to apply myself. I hadn’t considered doing honours but one of my mentors at the time suggested that I should at least try. The odds were stacked against me but with a bit of hard work, I slogged it out and got accepted. I’d also managed to score a place with one of the most sought after supervisors so I had a lot to be happy about. By mid-January, I was already conducting experiments on learning and memory using Rats in a Morris water maze. Things were going brilliantly for me…I finally felt like everything was falling into place. Toward the end of January, things started to go awry. Firstly, the month worth of experiments and training that I’d been doing turned out to be a dead end. I had to change direction for my honours thesis which added a bit of time pressure to what is already an intense year. To add to that pressure, my wife announced that she was pregnant!
2) Finding my mentor (March 2005)
To make ends meet, I was working two jobs at the time. I was selling laptops and printers at Officeworks by night and running experiments in a neuroscience lab for the rest of the time. I was walking around in a daze, pretending that my wife wasn’t really pregnant and that somehow there had been a mistake. By the end of March, it was official. She’d hit the 12-week mark so we were going to have this baby. For me….shit got real. I wasn’t ready to have a kid…. I was pretty much a kid myself. I’d only just figured out what I wanted to study. My first reactive thought was to defer doing my honours so I could focus on working to make enough money to support my family in a responsible way. Interestingly, none of the academics that I spoke to at university advised against this option so I made a call to defer my studies and ‘do the right thing’. When I told my boss at Officeworks what was going on and that I needed to work full-time, in the nicest possible way, he rejected my plea for help. He told me that the best thing I could do for myself and my family was push through and finish my studies. In other words, toughen the f**K up! It wasn’t what I wanted to hear but somehow, I knew he was right.
3) Crossing the threshold (May 2005)
By now, I was deep into my honours thesis and all of the rigamarole that goes with it. I was also reading the ‘bible’ for parents to be, What to expect when you’re expecting, getting more anxious about being a dad by the second. The more I knew, the more anxious I became. That was until someone told me that nobody has the perfect formula for kids and you won’t know what you need to do until you need to do it. They then added that once you think you’ve got it all figured out, it all falls apart and you have to try something different. While frustrating and annoying, this was exactly what I needed to hear. It enabled me to cross the threshold between what I know and enter the realm of the unknown. For a few months, I was focussed, supportive (so I thought), open, and felt a little bit excited about being a dad. Then, shit hit the fan.
4) Facing challenge (August 2005)
Following a routine visit to the doctor, my wife was put on bed rest due to the risk of our baby being born 2 months premature. On the 20th August, our son was born 6 weeks early and weighed about 1.6kg (that’s about half what a healthy full-term baby weighs). Needless to say, my honours thesis was an afterthought once he was born. My wife and I were visiting the hospital every day because he was too little to bring home. He was being fed through a tube, stuck inside a humid-i-crib with only short times where we were allowed to cuddle. It was one of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had. I wanted to love and protect this little human that I’d brought into the world but was completely dependent on the nurses and doctors to look after him. After two months of visiting the hospital every day, feeding him through a tube and tracking his daily growth on a chart we could finally take him home.
5) Overcoming Self (October 2005)
There wasn’t a person in the world that judged me for putting all of my focus on my son. Despite all of that, my non-existent honours thesis was gathering metaphorical dust on an imaginary shelf. The due date was looming and I was preparing myself to face the cold hard truth that I’d failed. When I spoke with the honours coordinator about options I was advised it was too late to pull out without failing but it wasn’t too late to submit my thesis. If however, I was planning on submitting my thesis, I needed to honour the faculty rule that no theses get marked until everybody (who indicates they will hand their thesis in) hands in their final thesis. I wanted to give up as I honestly thought failure was inevitable. I had more than a handful of people provide me with the ‘out’ I was looking for which entailed pulling up stumps. My wife, however, refused to accept my defeat. She shared with me exactly what she needed to share and it changed my perspective forever. In many ways, the words she used broke all the rules of diplomacy and it certainly wasn’t a message delivered with eloquence. Regardless, she gave me a proverbial kick up the arse that I needed to screw my head back on and get the job done. After one week, approximately 210 cups of tea, a minor case of deep vein thrombosis, some very generous help from my supervisor, and some mild hallucination due to lack of sleep, I handed in my thesis one week past the due date. In handing in that thesis, I’d conquered myself and all that I knew was possible.
6) Consolidate (November 2005)
After the intensity of the year that was 2005, I forgot to mention that we were also planning our wedding. With the Christmas holiday period came an opportunity to regather myself and find my groove as a dad (as awkward as I was). My memory is a bit shady, but I’m pretty certain it involved lots of nappies, sleepless nights, and the odd moment of bliss to remind me that it was all worthwhile. I went to visit my supervisor to thank him for his support through what had been a very challenging time. By that stage, I also found out that I’d received a 79 for my honour thesis which I was extremely happy about. When I boastfully commented on my mark, my supervisor agreed that is was a good result. He then said, “You got a good mark but you didn’t learn as much as you could have”. Once again, while I didn’t like what I was hearing, I knew exactly what he meant and I agreed with him. There were too many instances where I took the easy road, the popular choice or the responsible path. Too often I chose to stay stuck in the ‘known’ rather than venture into the unknown.
7) Teaching Others (January 2006)
It was a small wedding, close friends and family held in my uncle’s backyard. I think our largest expense was a rental car for the week and flights to Melbourne. Somehow, the simplicity of the day, the people and the ceremony highlighted what was most important. All my fears that came with being a new dad, our son being born early, potentially failing my honours year and toying with becoming a full-time employee at Officeworks (no disrespect to the role), were opportunities to learn how to learn.
Fig 1. Infinite Pattern of Learning.
The infinite pattern
Like that crazy year in 2005, I’ve had a few doozies since. So far, 2020 is certainly up there when it comes to rank-ordering the most challenging. Whenever I’m feeling like things are tough, or I don’t know what’s going to happen, I draw strength from that time in my life when the only way to know how to proceed was to let go of what I knew. To embrace the unknown, as paradoxical as it sounds, enabled me to face the necessary challenges to get over myself. Having since worked with thousands of people to overcome challenges I’ve recognised that this pattern isn’t unique to me. Rather, it’s a pattern we all follow when we learn how to learn through life. Some call it the school of hard knocks. Others see it as bad luck. I see it as an infinite pattern of learning we all experience over and over again. If you navigate life with an awareness of this pattern, it won’t necessarily make it easy but will make your experiences more meaningful. Ask yourself right now…Where are you in the infinite pattern? Are you stuck in the known? Have you ‘crossed the threshold’ into the unknown yet? What’s your next ‘call to learn’?
If you’re keen to learn more, contact me at Joe@joehart.com.au or visit my website at joehart.com.au
The war for attention: A challenge for future leaders
For decades organisations have been focussed on how to win the “War for talent”. This concept of attracting and retaining the best people for your organisation to beat the competition has been studied and written about extensively. Billions of dollars are invested by the largest organisations in the world every year to ensure they win this so-called “war”. Reason being, it’s hard to find talented people, and even harder to keep them. Before you tune-out and move onto the next story in your newsfeed let me hold your attention for a moment longer. If you want to win, stop focussing on trying to “win” new talent and start focussing on how you harness the attention of the talent you already have. A room full of highly talented people that are constantly distracted is far less productive than a room full of average people who are highly focussed.
For decades organisations have been focussed on how to win the “War for talent”. This concept of attracting and retaining the best people for your organisation to beat the competition has been studied and written about extensively. Billions of dollars are invested by the largest organisations in the world every year to ensure they win this so-called “war”. Reason being, it’s hard to find talented people, and even harder to keep them. Before you tune-out and move onto the next story in your newsfeed let me hold your attention for a moment longer. If you want to win, stop focussing on trying to “win” new talent and start focussing on how you harness the attention of the talent you already have. A room full of highly talented people that are constantly distracted is far less productive than a room full of average people who are highly focussed.
Talent vs Attention
When was the last time you recall being 100% focused on the task at hand for more than 15mins without letting your thoughts wander, your motivation wane or your frustration build? For many people, it may even be a challenge to recall the last time they spent more than 5 minutes focussing on a single task. If that’s you, then your talent is being hindered by your inability to focus your attention. In doing so, you’re not working toward your potential and denying yourself the opportunity to be happy, fulfilled and successful. When I think of attention it’s like holding a magnifying glass at an angle to catch the rays of the sun so they can concentrate intensely on a single point. When you get the angle just right, the heat becomes so focussed that it can cause wood and paper to spontaneously combust (or a few ants meet a gruesome and spectacularly fiery death). At the wrong angle, the magnifying glass does nothing to increase the intensity of the sun’s rays or worse, block the sun’s rays altogether and create a shadow! In many ways, the ability to focus your own attention is how you create a critical threshold for productivity, creativity and ultimately achieve results. The rays of the sun are reflective of talent, but without the magnifying glass focussing our attention, we can never fully generate enough energy to create fire.
Attention-deficit
We’ve all experienced having the best of intentions to finish off an important project or deliverable only to get side-tracked by a multitude of competing priorities and not follow through on what we started. Sadly, the competing priorities that steal our attention are usually our email inbox or notifications on our phone. I’ve asked thousands of people to consider what’s most important to them over the years and not one of them has ever answered with “email”, “social media” or “responding to my latest text messages”. Despite this, many people still gauge their productivity, value and effectiveness on how many emails they have in their inbox. About three years ago when I was still working in corporate, I had a colleague peer over my shoulder and make comment on how few emails I had in my inbox. I personally wasn’t phased by how few emails I received. I saw this as a sign that I was communicating clearly with my clients and meeting their expectations. It meant that I was spending more time sitting with my clients and doing what I do best, rather than spend time hunched in front of my laptop. My colleague’s interpretation was that my job was on the line and I should be feeling vulnerable. My response… “thanks for your concern. I don’t get paid to have an inbox crammed full of emails, most of which are not relevant to me.” With a smug tone, they made a prediction that I wouldn’t be there much longer. About three months later, that same employee was made redundant and I continued on in my role for another 6 months before jumping ship. The point here is, where your attention goes, your energy flows. Indeed, when your attention is so thinly spread, you start to suffer from an attention deficit. This colleague was so focussed on transactional emails and other menial tasks, their role was no longer of value. They had become irrelevant.
Attention first, talent second
The reason why your results aren’t reflective of your potential isn’t that you don’t have enough talent, it’s because your talent isn’t focussed. Just as you’re beginning to make some progress your attention is shifted onto the next distraction. This tendency to follow distraction is not new but let’s just agree that the explosion of social media and the prevalence of smartphones has made being distracted a whole lot easier than it used to be. What’s worse is that the most popular apps are those such as Instagram, Tik-Tok and Snapchat that predominately use short videos to capture your attention. What’s more, is that while our ability to sustain focussed attention is getting shorter, our time spent on social media apps is increasing. Don’t get me wrong, I love the benefits that social media have introduced to the world and fully support them moving forward. My real concern is how organisations are managing this “war for attention” which will only become more relevant in the coming years as generation Z and generation alpha kids start to form a larger percentage of our workforce. I don’t care how talented somebody is, if they aren’t able to hold their focus for more than a few minutes without checking their social media feeds or texting a friend, we have a problem.
Despite me being Gen Y (or Millenial if you prefer that terminology), my kids insist that I’m a “boomer” and I’m acutely aware that this article is likely to get a similar response. Please don’t misinterpret what I’m writing here as sledging social media. I’m not. I am, however, challenging you to think about how you sustain your own attention and consider how you might focus the attention of your team when it is filled with Gen Zs and Gen Alphas over the next decade.
How to focus your attention
Cal Newport discusses strategies to reduce distraction in his book “Deep work” which I highly recommend reading. There are many ways to focus your attention but one of the best ways I know is to engage in learning. When you are learning something new (particularly if you are interested in the topic/task) you become fully engrossed, leaving little room for faulty thinking, boredom, negative thoughts or self-doubt to creep in. Motivation is arguably the biggest hurdle when engaging in new learning which is why I make conscious learning a daily practice. As most of my clients know, I’m a juggler and have been practising for 25 years now. Every day, I spend time focussing my attention completely on finessing my skills and enhancing my ability to sustain my focus. There have been times in my life where my practice has fallen off the priority list, but each time I come back to it, I recognise how important the daily ritual is to align my body with my mind. As an executive coach, being able to focus my attention is a critical skill. Without this skill, I’d be unable to hold presence with my clients which is essential for them to be able to get present in our sessions. While it’s rather serendipitous that I discovered juggling at an early age, I maintain that it is the single best activity I have come across that simultaneously engages the mind and body in complex adaptive learning but also allows you to flex between that which is easy and that which is challenging. I also attribute my ability to remain calm under fire to my years of conscious practice with juggling[1]. Additional benefits include reduced stress, reduced anxiety, improved peripheral vision, improved co-ordination, and some studies have even shown and increase in both white and grey matter in the brain as a result of continued practice.
If you’d like to give it a go and learn for yourself, check out my youtube videos here which guide you through steps you need to take to learn how to juggle.
If juggling isn’t your thing, have a go anyway! If you are resisting it because you “don’t have time” or “you already know how” or you’re “not very co-ordinated”. These are all excuses that you are using to not learn. My advice, drop your ego and stop telling yourself bullshit stories that are preventing you from learning, improving and developing. Your ability to focus your attention, be in the moment and enable others to do the same will be what sets you apart as a future leader. Nobody is born with the ability to completely focus so it takes considerable practice. While it may be hard, the payoff is well worth it.
[1] If you’d like to learn more about the research on the many benefits of juggling please email me at: joe@joehart.com.au and I’d be happy to share my resources with you
The Fishbowl: Real life, Real people, Real cases | Adam Camerlengo
As part of my regular posts, I’m introducing a new series called ‘The Fishbowl’ that focusses on real people and how they self-reflect, prioritise, make decisions and show up in the world. It takes courage to put yourself out there and share aspects of who you are and what you believe has shaped you and your life. However, I strongly believe (and my experiences and my clients’) suggest that when you demonstrate courage and show a bit of vulnerability, it enables you to grow and expand. For anybody reading this, take the opportunity to self-reflect and potentially see yourself in their stories and learn from their own insights and courage. You never know, you too might feel compelled to share a bit more of who you are with the world….what’s the worst that could happen?
As part of my regular posts, I’m introducing a new series call ‘The Fishbowl’ that focusses on real people and how they self-reflect, prioritise, make decisions and show up in the world. It takes courage to put yourself out there and share aspects of who you are and what you believe has shaped you and your life. However, I strongly believe (and my experiences and my clients’) suggest that when you demonstrate courage and show a bit of vulnerability, it enables you to grow and expand. For anybody reading this, take the opportunity to self-reflect and potentially see yourself in their stories and learn from their own insights and courage. You never know, you too might feel compelled to share a bit more of who you are with the world….what’s the worst that could happen?
Introducing Adam
Adam and I first met in the Karate dojo about two years ago. In that period of time, I’ve seen Adam kick some serious goals in life such as compete in a Karate tournament held in Malaysia representing Australia, obtain his black belt, further progress in completing his degree toward becoming a fully qualified Chiropractor and volunteered much of his personal time to establish himself as a loved and valued member of the Artarmon Shinkyokushin Karate Dojo.
For anybody that knows Adam, he is a fast talker and can sometimes, according to Adam, be overlooked as a bit of a ‘class clown’ so people tend not to take him seriously. Over a two hour chat armed with an iced coffee, a beautifully air-conditioned building where we could escape the thick white smoke that is currently choking Sydney, Adam (with a little bit of help from his great friend Vera) shared his story with me and ultimately answered the question “how did you end up here?”.
The conversation began with Adam launching into stream-of-consciousness type flow of verbal expression that reflected Freud’s free association technique without the couch. There was no need for me to lead with a question, Adam was already there, masking his nervousness about agreeing to ‘share his story’ with me by talking without taking a breath for the first 5mins. Once he finally did stop for breath, he asked: “so how does this work…. what are we going to do?”
The stories we tell ourselves
I asked Adam to share his story with all of us because he has recently experienced a series of significant accomplishments. It’s brilliant to see when somebody is in their flow, taking the bull by the horns and leading a fulfilled life. My intrigue with Adam and his story lies not in his accomplishments but more so in what he tells himself when nobody else is listening. Sometimes these stories are so automatic and well-rehearsed that we are no longer aware of them. On the other hand, sometimes they are so dominant that we can’t focus our attention on anything else. What is clear, whether we are aware of what we tell ourselves or not, they play a significant and profound role in how we live our life, shape our future, and interact with the world around us. They influence how we related to others, communicate our message, reflect on challenges or opportunities, experience love, hate or any other emotion. Fundamentally, what we tell ourselves has a huge impact on everything that we do.
Adam’s ‘story’
Before I even finished my sentence explaining the concept underlying the stories we tell ourselves, like any self-confessed fast talker, Adam quickly interjected with a wry smile and slightly flippant tone stating “that’s easy, my story is that I’m not good enough and I’m not working hard enough”. Indeed Adam is very self-aware of his own story and how that has contributed to shaping him to this very day. He may not have gone to the lengths of illuminating how dominant this story has been in shaping his behaviour and the outcomes he has achieved. He is, however, aware of the agitation that it creates, like an old injury that only shows up during the coldest months of the year….it’s always there but we sometimes forget how it is affecting us until it stops us from doing what we want.
Following Adam’s admission to the story that he habitually tells himself, I probed further to understand if he knew where it came from. This was where the conversation got tangential – which for a speed talker like Adam means we covered his story in a pattern that resembled a Mr squiggle drawing (apologies for those too young to understand the reference…..watch the YouTube clip!) i.e. It starts with a few dashes on a page that iteratively morphs into a comprehensive image. In short, he couldn’t articulate exactly where it came from but through verbalising his thoughts, we managed to get to the core.
The ‘drunken man’s’ stagger
Adam, like most of us, has not taken a linear path through life thus far. Very rarely does someone decide what they want to be early in life and seamlessly make it a reality. It does happen….but more often than not, our journey resembles something that looks more like a drunken man’s stagger….swaying from one side to the other, backward and forward, around in a few small circles to finally land at a destination. At that point, the drunken man sobers up and says to himself “how did I get here?”.
With surprise in his voice, Adam affirms that he was actually one of the ‘cool kids’ at school. He wasn’t quite sure how it happened but given one of the kids in his group was a budding AFL superstar (no small thing in Victoria) he was cool by association no through his own sporting prowess. He also had a gift for music that stemmed from his mother. He was encouraged to get involved in all music, art and drama at school. While his understanding of music is savant-like, his real passion emerged in Drama.
Adam has always felt underestimated, which he admits he likes. It gives him an edge over those that put him in the ‘class clown’ box. For those that did make fun of him or disrespect him, he quite simply didn’t take shit from anyone and stood up for himself. Knowing that others underestimated him, he used this as fuel to motivate him to work harder and not be predicted by inferential statistics like everyone else.
He went on to study performing arts at university with the intention of establishing himself as an actor. Following a lot of hard work, knock-backs, and part-time jobs in coffee shops and bars Adam realised he wasn’t happy. While he was battling to make himself a name in showbiz, he took an interest in mixed martial arts and inspired by George St Pierre took a few classes in Kyokushin Karate. Soon after, he started taking his training more seriously than his career. It was through a routine visit to an inspirational chiropractor that Adam had been seeing for a hip injury (most likely agitated from practising martial arts) he was persuaded to explore getting qualified as a Chiro. His first response to the suggestion “I’m not smart enough to do that”.
Right here we see a simple comparison with family members, accomplished friends, academically successful peers or authoritative professionals. The story of “I’m not good enough, smart enough, big enough, strong enough……. ENOUGH!” kicks into gear. It’s a toxic story that only through grit, pure determination, and consistency can we succeed despite the crippling distraction from our own imagined foibles. Fortunately for Adam, Karate was an anchor for him to challenge his deep-seated belief that he wasn’t good enough and wasn’t working hard enough. Shinkyokushin is well known globally to be one of the strongest forms of Karate in the world. The training is tough and unrelenting with an undertone of ‘never give up’. The philosophy of karate reinforces to never be enough and never work hard enough. Indeed there is no end game…no goal to achieve…no state in which you rest. Even when obtaining a black belt, which Adam has recently achieved, you are welcomed into what is known to be the ‘void’. Below is an excerpt from a training manual explaining the transition a Black Belt makes upon successful completion of the grading.
Fig 1 Ku - The ‘Void’
KU- The Void. When we are born we know nothing. Through training, we strive to achieve a different level of “nothing”. At first, the body controls the mind, then the mind controls the body. Ultimately the mind is clear and can ignore problems, anger, worry and become calm. This is the way to live a happy life.
Working hard for things you want?
There is a lot of wisdom in working hard to get results, and a truckload of evidence to support that it works. The challenge with this approach is that you can spend your whole life working really hard to obtain a trophy, car, family, house, status, job title, or belt colour (in the case of Karate) without really knowing what you want.
In the absence of knowing what you really want, you are susceptible to your own imagination which emerges in the form of bullshit stories that you tell yourself….just like Adam (and all of us for that matter) has done for his whole life. The energy and focus it takes to override such toxic stories is far greater than the effort we put into knowing what we want. Just imagine if you redirected all that energy toward your aspirations.
The trick for Adam…and all of us for that matter is to change our focus. Rather than working hard to achieve what we want, we need to work really hard to KNOW what we want. This is not a one-off tick-the-box exercise but an ongoing commitment to the most important project you’ll ever work on….YOU. The best way to do this is to ask yourself often, ‘What is most important to me right now?’ Answer it honestly, work toward aligning yourself to what is most important and your whole life will make a lot more sense.
True Perspective
Like many of you reading this, Adam is very intelligent. He is going to graduate with his second degree, has a black belt and competed in karate tournaments against top-level opponents. Despite all of that, he still tells himself that he’s not smart enough, not good enough and doesn’t know if he’s working hard enough. How is it that someone who is intelligent and achieves so much in life still believes falsities that he tells himself in stark contrast to what all the evidence suggests? One of the greatest lies we can ever tell ourselves is that how we think others perceive us is true. If you’re feeling sorry for Adam right now, don’t. Take a moment to see yourself in his story and recognise that while you might have a slightly different way of expressing it, you also have a story that rules you, that you believe to be true despite all of the evidence that suggests that it isn’t!
Once you know your story, what do you do next?
The answer lies in neuroscience and the simple truth that [1]‘neurons that wire together fire together’. Every time Adam faces a challenge or sees something like a stretch goal, his default pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving is linked back to ‘not good enough’. We build ‘evidence’ to confirm what we already ‘know’ (this is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy). The best way to break this is to introduce a roadblock, power surge or hijacking of the existing pattern. This is something that fundamentally challenges what we tell ourselves, how we see ourselves and subsequently how we behave. I call this circuit breaker True Perspective which represents the overlap of how we see ourselves with how others see and experience us. It’s more than being self-aware, it is our self-concept in action. True Perspective is seeing yourself the way the rest of the world sees you. In this case, I didn’t ask Adam’s friends, family, colleagues and clients to provide their rating of him so it isn’t a fair representation of Adam because it is only made up of Adam’s self-concept. He did, however, have his good friend Vera present and she chimed in to let me know that Adam is quite hard on himself.
Figure 2 - Adam's Self Evaluation- True Perspective
Evolution of self
For the last 15 years, I’ve been working on a framework to help facilitate personal and professional development. Too often I see people that overinvest in one element more than the other which over time, throws them out of balance. For example, this looks like working all hours to deliver on a massive project and missing out on time with family. Alternatively, it could be taking a 6 month break off work to do a trip around the world to make up for the lost time. Neither of these is wrong, but they certainly aren’t balanced. From my personal experience and the experience of my clients, the imbalance that prompts their corrective action stems from being misaligned i.e. How they want to be experienced and remembered by others is not matching their day to day behaviour. This, in psychology, is what we call cognitive dissonance.
Based on [2]Adam’s self-ratings, I’ve plotted where he sits on the evolution of self framework and as you can see it’s primarily focussed on relationship boundaries. Much of the session that Adam I and had was focussed on the relationships he has with his peers at university, with those he loves, and the relationship he has with himself. Over the coming months and years, Adam has an amazing opportunity to transcend his focus on relationship boundaries and move into the transformational elements of the framework.
Figure 3 Evolution of Self Model
When it comes to ‘self’ it’s ever-expanding, evolving concept that is constantly changing based on your interactions with the world. The more experiences you have, the more refined (and hopefully aligned) you will be.
Application
When it comes to applying this model, it can be utilised with reference to situations, such as how you perform on projects or in a particular role at work or even in a volunteer context. You may also like to apply the model in a more personal setting such as with your social circle, your immediate family, or in relation to your life partner. There is no limit to the application as the principles are the same across all contexts and with all relationships. The key is to leverage the combination of ‘True Perspective’ with the Evolution of Self Model to ensure you are continually defining, refining and progressing toward creating your legacy i.e. living in alignment with how you want to be remembered.
References
[1] Löwel, S. and Singer, W. (1992) Science 255 (published January 10, 1992) "Selection of Intrinsic Horizontal Connections in the Visual Cortex by Correlated Neuronal Activity". United States: American Association for the Advancement of Science. pp. 209–212
[2] Normally, I would interview 6-8 nominated stakeholders to obtain the ‘others’ perspective. Given this was not a full program, I kept it to a self-evaluation only.
It’s not at all about winning…but it’s all about winning : The paradox of life
“It’s been a rough week,” said one of the other dads standing on the sideline pre-match, thermos in hand at the ready. I gave him a wry smile followed by a confirmatory nod, acknowledging that I too was weary from the five back to back losses our boys had experienced over the preceding three days. Not only that, we’d been battling the bitter cold dished up by Canberra mornings; frost, biting wind, and a little bit of drizzle for extra misery. You see, our boys’ team was firmly lodged at the bottom of the ladder in the soccer tournament, about to play their last match against an undefeated team secured at the top of the ladder. With heavy hearts, everyone was expecting another loss.
“It’s been a rough week,” said one of the other dads standing on the sideline pre-match, thermos in hand at the ready. I gave him a wry smile followed by a confirmatory nod, acknowledging that I too was weary from the five back to back losses our boys had experienced over the preceding three days. Not only that, we’d been battling the bitter cold dished up by Canberra mornings; frost, biting wind, and a little bit of drizzle for extra misery. You see, our boys’ team was firmly lodged at the bottom of the ladder in the soccer tournament, about to play their last match against an undefeated team secured at the top of the ladder. With heavy hearts, everyone was expecting another loss.
The pressure of expectation
Earlier in the week, the boys started out strong, winning their first match comprehensively. In some ways, this set them up for the expectation that they could do very well in the tournament. In contrast, their second match was an absolute disaster, outclassed in pretty much every way. They got crushed with a 6-0 defeat. Following on from that first day the losing streak was maintained. There was a predictable amount of controversy both on an off the field. Some questionable calls by the referee (who appeared to be barely 14 years old) were heavily influenced by the intimidating shouts coming from parents that value soccer more than life itself. Their screams resembling the snarls and growls of an angry dog, foaming at the mouth, ready to attack. Despite the rule of ‘silence on the sidelines’ there were some that couldn’t help it, their desire to win was too great even though they weren’t the ones playing the game.
The dangers of watching from the sideline
We’d all been looking forward to the tournament, knowing that the boys had worked hard to be there. We secretly expected them to do well….and held a desire to see them at least get through to the semi-finals…After all, it was entirely possible? After the jubilation of the first win, you could feel the excitement of the parents lift momentarily before the almost audible ‘thud’ following the first crushing defeat. On the surface, we all say to each other “it’s all about the boys having fun….” or “As long as they do their best and learn something, it will all be worth it”. In reality, what we want to say to each other is “It would be awesome to go home with the cup in hand our boys victors in the tournament” or “I’d love for my boy to experience the joy of being in a team that has what it takes to win against the toughest competition”. What became evident by the end of the week is that the parents were more invested in the team winning than the players were. The challenge with this position is that none of us was able to influence that which we were so invested in. We were powerless, confined to simply watch, support, observe, and stay silent. Victims of our own frustration.
The power of ‘showing up’
The boys are a group of talented young players. They train a couple of times a week and they are all good mates. They take their sport seriously and all have a deep seeded aspiration to become a great soccer player one day. They are however only 10 years old and having fun seems to be the most popular item on the menu. What’s refreshing is that even with the crushing defeats, the boys would get over it quickly. They didn’t dwell on the bad calls, the angry parents on the sidelines, the bullies on the other teams. They kept getting back up and dusting themselves off. Of course, they each had their moments where they were upset with their performance, made mistakes, and felt like they could have done better but they were persistent. They were playing to win but if they lost, the game wasn’t over for them. It’s almost as if they knew they were playing a bigger game of growth and development that was beyond the scope of the tournament.
The outcome
So, here we are, the final match that EVERYONE expects our boys to lose. I’d even had a work call scheduled for the first half so wouldn’t have to endure the assault but, as it often happens, my call was rescheduled. I was locked into watching the entire game. As they were warming up, another this other dad and I noted while sipping on our hot tea fresh from the thermos, that the boys seemed unusually vocal. They were talking to each other a lot. The chatter was positive and constant which created a vibe around the team. Their body language was ‘up’, they seemed confident…not about winning but about how they were going to play their game. Just before they ran onto the field, I grabbed my son’s attention and said “hey mate, what’s the plan”. He said, “We’re going to play to win and have fun”. What unfolded next was nothing short of glorious. The boys played their best game yet. It was a tight tussle which ended with a victory to our boys who managed to defeat the undefeated. What started as a melancholic conversation about the week that had been, ended with every parent giving each other high fives. As one of the parents, I know how tempting it is to remedy any situation with the cliché of “it’s not about winning…it’s about having fun”. Reality speaks a different language and that sounds more like “losing feels crap, especially if you know you can do better”. The trick is to keep playing to win even when you’ve been on a massive losing streak. While their campaign was over and the opposing team still progressed through to the semi-finals, they were later beaten in the semi’s and denied a place in the final that I’m sure they had their minds set on.
Leadership lessons from the sideline
Just in case you got caught up in the ‘story’ of it all, I thought it would be helpful to summarise some of the leadership lessons that spending a week with hopeful parents and a group of competitive 10-year-old boys has taught me.
1. Expectations are poison – The best movie I ever saw was the one that I didn’t plan to see. I had no idea about the genre and the title gave nothing away so when I watched the film I was totally engaged, in-the-moment and enthralled. The opposite can be said of the worst movie I ever saw, the hype and expectations were so great that the movie couldn’t deliver. Similarly, when we have our heart set on an outcome such as a sporting event, academic achievement, relationship, job offer etc. We are living in a fantasy, one that is not grounded in the present moment. Don’t get me wrong, we need to set clear expectations at work to get results but when you find yourself drifting into the realm of fantasy, pull back, you’re ironically setting yourself up for a remarkable fall from grace.
2. Is it about you…or them? – This is a tough one because nobody likes to admit that they have an ego and everyone likes to think that they put the needs of others before their own. The truth is, altruism is rare, and some would argue doesn’t really exist. I could tell myself that sacrificing a week of my time was all in the best interest of my son and his aspiration to be a soccer star but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I like watching him play soccer, I like watching the team succeed and deep down I feel part of that success which strokes my ego. At work, this can be seen often when teams or individuals are awarded recognition for outstanding achievement. Whether it’s the manager’s intention or not, it’s impossible not to connect oneself with the success of the team or individual. Like the parents cheering (or snarling) from the sideline, it’s a combination of wanting what’s best for the team and what’s best for you. Once you understand that you are indeed selfishly invested (at least a bit) you’ll be able to reconcile some of the anxiety or stress you feel when things aren’t quite going according to plan.
3. Keep ‘showing up’ – Like much of life the ability to keep showing up is 90% of the battle. If we decide to stay in bed at the first hint of a challenge, we will likely never make it past the challenges of kindergarten. Regardless of how tough it is, how “it won’t make a difference” or “it’s hopeless”. The power of simply showing up and having a go carries more weight than anything else. Many people go through the motions, but this is not showing up. ‘Showing up’ can be defined as being present both physically and mentally to fully engage with the task at hand. The temptation to give up is strong especially when things aren’t going your way. It is in those moments that the truth about who you are and what you are capable of is revealed.
4. It’s not about winning, but it’s all about winning – Political correctness says that I should encourage my son to play for fun and not push him to be competitive. On this point, I fundamentally disagree and proudly admit that I encourage my son to play to win but make sure that he’s having fun in the process. I know he loves soccer and works hard to develop himself. I think it’s brilliant that at such a young age the boys all demonstrated a relentless commitment to their development as individuals in a team that wants to win. It’s that spirit, courage and tenacity that will enable all of them to succeed. In business, if you don’t win your customers’ hearts and minds, you lose. It’s tough, cold, relentless but in the real world, nobody is going to soften the blow for you. The balance is right when you’re doing something that you love, that matters, that’s worth fighting for but you also have fun with it.
5. It’s all in your head – There are countless examples of people achieving extraordinary things that reinforce the same point. What your mind wants, your body will deliver and what your body delivers your mind wants. In other words, by thinking you create desire and by doing you gain satisfaction. If it’s combat-sports, extreme strength, cold exposure, wealth accrual, scientific breakthroughs, artistic expression, or motivational leadership; If people had used logical reasoning to achieve their goals, they would have quit long before their breakthrough. Possibilities will always remain unknown to you, that is until you do the impossible.
The moral of the story?
If you want to live a fulfilled life, behave like a bunch of 10-year-olds playing soccer in a competitive tournament. You’ll have your moments of glory, setbacks, mistakes, unfair calls, injuries, a bunch of tears and a whole lot of disappointment. Always play to win, but make sure you also play to have fun. If you’re feeling a bunch of pressure from some onlookers from the sideline ‘supporting’ you, don’t play for them, they are there for themselves as much as they are there for you. Play your own game
Emotions trump talent and purpose: Like a kite without a string
It was windy, very windy, the perfect day to fly a kite. I was about 12 years old and the proud owner of a stunt kite…you know the triangular shaped ones that do loops and spins once you’ve learned how to master them. Well, given the wind was blowing I thought I’d take my kite for a spin but not just as it was, I wanted to see how high it could go so I craftily enhanced it by tying an extra 200metres of 30-pound fishing line onto the existing string. This was going to be good! I appealed to a couple of mates to come to join me but to no avail. I didn’t care…the excitement of flying my stunt kite in near gale forced winds with an extra 200 metres of line propelled me to my destination.
My Story
It was windy, very windy, the perfect day to fly a kite. I was about 12 years old and the proud owner of a stunt kite…you know the triangular shaped ones that do loops and spins once you’ve learned how to master them. Well, given the wind was blowing I thought I’d take my kite for a spin but not just as it was, I wanted to see how high it could go so I craftily enhanced it by tying an extra 200metres of 30-pound fishing line onto the existing string. This was going to be good! I appealed to a couple of mates to come to join me but to no avail. I didn’t care…the excitement of flying my stunt kite in near gale forced winds with an extra 200 metres of line propelled me to my destination.
My heart was beating with anticipation, the wind so strong now that I had to lean into it unnaturally to remain upright. I set flight and my kite took off angrily, bucking and pulling like a wild brumby. The wind was so strong I quickly let all the string out and reached the fishing line that I had tied on for extra height. The kite was so high now I could hardly see it and the tension on the line was so extreme the line was making sounds resembling an out of tune banjo being plucked.
I was now struggling to hold onto the plastic reel that housed the fishing line and began to lose my grip. I quickly looked around my feet and picked up a stick that I could put through the reel enabling me to let more line out and give my hands a break. The line screamed as the reel whizzed with frightening acceleration. I looked up to glimpse at my kite which was merely a dot in the sky and that’s when it happened. The whizzing sound was interrupted with a loud crack. I slowly looked down and saw that the plastic reel had shattered, a large shard had stabbed straight through the webbing in my left hand between my thumb and index finger.
In shock I sprinted home clutching my left wrist, trying not to look at the wound as it rhythmically showered my feet with spurts of blood, ever-quickening as the tempo of my heart raced. Once I got home, I raised the alarm to my mum who was trying to remain calm but to me, felt like a severe case of apathy. Like it couldn’t get any worse, I remember the agonisingly slow and sheepish way my mum uttered the words “I can’t remember where I put my keys”. The rest of the story is predictable…. mum found keys… arrive at hospital… remove plastic from hand… insert stitches…contemplate a few hard lessons to carry me forward.
My Insight
Later that afternoon once I’d been stitched up and got back home, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the kite. My curiosity getting the better of me, I walked back to the offending location hoping that the jagged reel had gotten caught on a tree or bush. No such luck, that kite had set sail…never to be seen again. Whenever I hear someone say “like a kite without a string”…I look down at my left hand and massage the painful scar tissue that remains. What happened that day is the perfect demonstration of how heightened emotions can override the application of talent and purpose to one’s detriment. Let me explain….
When coaching my clients I focus on 3 areas; Strengths focus (understanding one's strengths and knowing how to effectively apply them), Alignment with purpose (articulating ones purpose and remaining aligned to it) and emotional regulation (the ability to remain present and not succumb to the temptation of what one believes vs what is real). Regardless of how well attuned you are to your strengths or how well aligned you are with your purpose, if you can’t manage your emotions, you’re in trouble. That day, my purpose was clear- I wanted to fly a kite as high as it could go. I leveraged my strengths of curiosity, resourcefulness and independence to follow through on my desire. My emotional state, on the other hand, was not at all in check. I knew it was dangerous and could feel it to the core of my gut. I was a little shaky with anticipation due to the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I was rushing, not thinking, over-riding my cautious conscience. Indeed, my emotions were trumping my purpose and strengths, but I couldn’t help it. My emotions were fuelling my action which in turn fanned the flames of my uneasy emotional state. My logical brain had been hijacked in pursuit of instant gratification.
While I was only 12, developmental psychology tells us that it’s at this stage that we start to form our logical reasoning (See Jean Piaget’s theory of cognitive development). So my excuses for being young and foolish are generally accepted but don’t reflect the truth that I know.
When I’m coaching people about challenges and issues, it’s almost unanimously due to them not being able to get present to and regulate their emotions. Like my 12-year-old self, they get seductively drawn into behaviours that reward them at that moment but generally lead to an outcome that is undesirable. Unfortunately for me, my hand came off second best but many people say and do things they regret when their emotions have hijacked their ability to think and reason. The result for them? regret, guilt, loss of control, anger, anxiety, helplessness etc.
My advice
Next time you get that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach stop what you’re doing. Take a moment to focus on your breath to re-centre yourself and activate your parasympathetic nervous system. It’s at this point that you can make a conscious choice about what you do next without feeling like you’re navigating rapids on a river without a paddle. The best way to ensure that you don’t end up like a kite without a string lost forever to the gale forced winds of mother nature; regulate your emotions. For many of you…..you’re saying “that’s easier said than done…especially when you’re in the heat of the moment”. I agree, but other than aspiring to achieve personal mastery through a relentless commitment to self-development, we stagnate, re-iterate and keep repeating the same behavioural patterns. The patterns and tendencies we all face will continue to be there, it’s our ability to recognise the internal cues (that feeling in your gut, or the shakiness in your body) to help us arrest the pattern of behaviour before it’s too late. It’s not easy, it takes discipline and it’s always necessary. It may sound exhausting but when someone is feeling like a kite without a string they’ll do anything to have someone grab the end and start winding them back to earth...that is of course if they’re not already lost forever.
Challenging yourself hurts...not challenging yourself hurts more!
As I ascended the stairs, I noticed I was feeling a littletense. The sting of Tiger balm quickly filled my nostrils along with the smell ofsweat-stained clothes and gym gear. I’d been here before but somehow, this feltdifferent. I was about to undergo a test, a challenge, something I’d beenworking toward for a couple of years now. All the training, learning, hard workand discipline would be evaluated over the next 2 hours. I would have to demonstratemy knowledge, my fitness, my physical ability and to top it all off, fight!
To those that are familiar with martial arts, they canreadily appreciate the nervousness one feels before are grading but equally identifywith the knowledge that what they are about to do has been done by many beforethem. On the path to obtaining a black belt, you discover that the destination,while significant and important, becomes less of a focus. For me, the gradingthat I just experienced held more significance than others because itrepresents the halfway milestone, the transition from a ‘junior belt’ to a ‘seniorbelt’ and in many ways, where the level of intensity (both physical and mental)begins to increase.
For everyone out there right now weighing up if the timing is right to start that ‘thing’ you’ve always wanted to start….let me answer the question for you…IT IS!
I look back two and a half years when I was watching othersfrom the sidelines secretly admiring their determination, tenacity, discipline,courage, and consistency. Through challenging myself, hard-work, a few injuries,and setbacks, I’ve fallen in love with the process and deeply trust it willenable me to continue to progress.
Like education, careers, growing a business, raising afamily or investing in a relationship, martial arts has taught me that whilethe challenge that it presents is real and the pain one experiences can beextreme, none of it is as painful or crippling as not doing anything at all.
For everyone out there right now weighing up if the timingis right to start that ‘thing’ you’ve always wanted to start….let me answer thequestion for you…IT IS! Take a leap of faith, break through a barrier,challenge your fear. You most likely won’t change the world but at least you’llexperience the inevitable growth that comes with challenging what you previouslythought wasn’t possible.
Stop watching from the sidelines and get amongst it!
I’m a full-blown unapologetic martial arts fan. Everybodywho knows me understands that regardless of what form, what country, whatlanguage, if it involves two people duelling it out using their bodies todefeat their opponent, then I’m in….and I’m not the only one.
When I was about 11 years old, I recall being at home ‘sick’(which may or may not have been legitimate) and decided to rent some videosfrom the local video store (my 4 kids still find it crazy that I used tophysically walk to the store and rent a video cassette that I had to physicallyput in a machine before I could watch a movie). They had a special on at thetime so you could rent 7 ‘weekly’ movies for $7. I was drawn to the martialarts section so decided to load up on some Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee…….and soit began.
Bruce Lee soon became my hero and while there weren’t anyKung Fu schools in Lismore, I started doing Karate. I continued with martialarts for a couple of years but then life got in the way, I moved to a new house,changed schools and all of my extra-curricular activities altered too.
Fast forward 23 years, marriage, 4 kids, 2 degrees and abusy career, my love affair with martial arts was even stronger but I was atotal observer. My wife and I decided that Karate would be great for our kids asit offered some strong values, taught them confidence, kept them physicallyactive and enabled them to further reinforce their Japanese language skills….allpositive. Deep down, I had another agenda and that was to live out my fantasyof being a martial arts superstar vicariously through my kids. My weekends soonbecame peppered with karate tournaments, seminars, demonstrations and tests ofcourage. I was in heaven….all while watching from the sidelines behind mycamcorder.
Every now and then, someone would ask, “have you ever donekarate?” or “have you thought about joining?”. I would always answer in a predictablematter of fact way. “Yeah….I did it when I was a kid but you know….life tookover so had to quit” and “I’m a bit old for it now….maybe when I was in mytwenties, but not now”. The truth is, I desperately wanted to join but I hadthis bullshit story going on in my head that people would laugh at me and thatI wouldn’t be able to find the time. My body was stiff as hell from years ofsitting hunched over a desk so the thought of trying to kick at head height wasinsane! I could just imagine my hip joint popping out of its socket and neverbeing able to walk again! So….I dutifully dropped off my kids and picked themup 3 times a week, took them to tournaments, pushed them to fight, massagedtheir injuries, encouraged them to continue when it got hard, etc. But…. I wasstill observing from the sideline.
"The truth is, I desperately wanted to join but I had this bullshit story going on in my head that people would laugh at me and that I wouldn’t be able to find the time."
About 4 years ago, I was sitting with a client one morningand he mentioned that he’d just come from his dojo, where he had been training.He proceeded to explain how he got into martial arts, through taking his kidsalong and decided to stop watching from the sidelines and give it a go. Thiswas the spark that I needed, the prod that I was looking for……but I stilldidn’t join.
Three years ago, I made the decision to join Karate and, get out of my own way. Making the decision wasn’t enough, you see, the karate that my kids and I do (Shinkyokushinkai) is known as the strongest form of karate in the world because of it’s gruelling training regimen and physical conditioning techniques. The style is designed for full contact bouts so fighting is a core component of learning Shinkyokushinkai. I quickly learned that that the decision that I’d made wasn’t at all the hard part…the training was. Many have questioned the training methods and the constant push to improve one’s capability but I’ve come to love the will, mentality, and spirit that is at the core of Shinkyokushinkai. The literal translation of Shinkyokushinkai means the ultimate truth. When you are exhausted, are fighting someone bigger and stronger than you and can barely stand….that’s when you start to appreciate what the ‘ultimate truth’ is all about. In a nutshell, it’s about never giving up. Always having a go and mustering up the courage to push through what you thought wasn’t possible. If you're still wondering how this might be relevant, I’ve often heard HR directors and CEOs refer to leadership and business as a ‘contact sport’ respectively. It wasn’t until I engaged in a full-on combat sport, that I started to appreciate the meaning behind their words. You can't lead people or run a business through observing on the sidelines, you need to get amongst it and sometimes this results in a bloody nose.
"You can't lead people or run a business through observing on the sidelines, you need to get amongst it and sometimes this results in a bloody nose."
What often looks like a mindless brawl is a test of will,courage, and spirit between two people that understand the benefit of challengingthemselves against someone worthy. Through my studies of martial arts andcombined years of a collective admiration of those in my dojo and famousfigures alike, I’d like to invite you to explore in yourself the following insightsthat practicing martial arts has taught me to live by.
Never give up.This insight is pretty simple and doesn’t really need an explanation. I knowthere is an academic argument for when it makes sense to give up. etc. etc.Basically, it’s all rubbish. Giving up is an expression of ‘it’s too hard’ or‘I don’t like it anymore’ or ‘I’m not seeing the progress that I want to’ or‘it’s a big-time commitment’. To this, I say, bullshit. Get over yourself andget on with it. If you’ve got a broken hand, don’t punch with that fist. Ifyou’re sick, don’t push yourself too hard. This is not about hurting yourself;it’s about showing up. Too often, we willingly take the easy road becausethat’s what most people do.
It’s about consistency and frequency. It never comes down to a single bout, test, grading, belt, competition or training session. It’s about weaving together your decision to live by your ‘ultimate truth’ in every moment. There is nothing magical about it….just hard work and persistence. I’ve worked with thousands of people that have expressed their most compelling aspirations to me, yet aren’t willing to do what it takes to make it come to life. It’s in those moments that you know most people would give up….and if you did, nobody would judge you. Those moments are the turning points or thresholds that you need to cross within yourself. Some might question how to recognise such a moment….to them I say, if all of you wants to run and hide then you’ve found it….you need to stare yourself down and persevere.
Keep showing up and making progress. I know not everyone likes combat sports so my suggestion isn’t to go join your local dojo (although I highly recommend it and guarantee you will discover ‘the truth’…whatever that means to you). I do, however, invite you to stop watching from the sidelines, encouraging others, living in a fantasy world or putting everyone else first. Who cares if you’re crap or don’t know what you’re doing or even if you look like an idiot. It’s through the process of having a go that you’ll discover what drives you, what scares you and what sparks something powerful. It’s about making progress and pursuing a better version of yourself, every day. I
If you'd like to learn more about how I can help you step into life, stop being an observer and start developing who you are, make contact with me here or book in a free 30 min chat to kick start things for you.
Are you a master juggler?...or do you keep dropping the ball?
I was staring across the schoolyard basketball court, trying to avoid any eye contact with the cool kids. You know, the group of kids that everyone wants to be ‘in’ with? Well, I wasn’t. I’d recently moved schools and was in year 8, 13 years old and awkward as hell. I was classified as a city kid and didn’t have any friends. To quote Brené Brown , I had to “embrace the suck” and was feeling totally vulnerable.
In this moment of vulnerability, I caught a glimpse of someone on the other side of the basketball court juggling three balls. This wasn’t just a simple juggling pattern like you see in the background of movies like Gladiator, this was some seriously sophisticated juggling. The kind you might expect to see at Cirque du Soleil! I was simply mesmerised and couldn’t help but step out of my fear and vulnerability so I could learn how to juggle.
Predictably, I learned how to juggle, in fact, juggling became such an obsession for me that it was all I really did for a few years. I loved the challenge, the process of learning, the perfect combination of mental stimulation and physical mastery. Sadly, my understanding of society at the time didn’t really reinforce that I should pursue juggling. Instead, I was met with a staunch view that ‘juggling was a game’ and ‘you should focus on your studies’ because ‘juggling will get you nowhere’.
"Juggling is just like life. Embrace the opportunity to learn and you shall be rewarded. Resist the process or attempt to explain it and you will be frustrated to no end."
As life took over, I juggled less, studied more and started succumbing to the inevitable process of detaching from my body through a sedentary existence, sitting at my desk, being inactive for hours on end and losing my strength, flexibility, and mobility. The repercussions of modern life sound heavily biased toward the physical but don’t be fooled. If you are weak, inflexible and not very mobile with your body, your mind has no choice but to follow. It’s similar for somebody who is depressed, anxious or tense, their body language reflects the state of their mind.
While I juggled less, I never stopped completely. At university, I was part of the Circus Society and taught many people how to juggle. For anyone who has worked with me, they know that I have always had juggling balls at my desk and would often use them as a ‘stress down’ activity to bring a bit of fun into the work environment and break things up a little.
A few years ago, I watched Tod Samson’s hit series “redesign my brain” and in one of the episodes, he was tasked with learning how to juggle as a way of improving his brain’s capability. In fact, research has now demonstrated that learning how to juggle increases both white (Scholz et al., 2009) and grey matter (Draganski, et al., 2004; Driemeyer, et al., 2008) in the brain and also reduces anxiety (Nakahara, et al., 2007). Additional benefits include improvement in circulation, posture, hand-eye coordination, peripheral vision, memory, and attention just to name a few. With so many benefits associated with such a simple and accessible task, I started exploring how Juggling could serve as an antidote to the physical and mental stagnation that stifles even the most innovative organisations.
Indeed, Juggling also serves as a powerful metaphor for many of the challenges we face in corporate life. Juggling is one of the best ways to highlight Carol Dweck’s work and diagnose whether someone is exhibiting a fixed or growth mindset (Dweck, 2008). In organisational development, we often speak of wanting to tap into the holy grail of engagement…the ‘flow’ state as outlined in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s work (Csikszentmihaly , 1990). Once somebody has learned the basics, Juggling is one of the best ways to replicate the state of flow in anyone. Given the complexity and difficulty faced when learning how to juggle, there are many opportunities to simply give up. Over the years I’ve taught hundreds of people how to juggle and often heard them say “I’m not coordinated enough to juggle” or “I’ve never been good at throwing and catching”, “it takes too long to learn” or my favourite “I’ll never be able to do it…it’s impossible”.
While some people get it more quickly than others, there is one trait that stands out above the rest regarding those that succeed vs those that don’t. It just so happens to line up very nicely with Angela Duckworth’s research on ‘Grit’ (Duckworth, 2016). Those that focus on getting the throw right and aren’t afraid of dropping the ball, are the ones that succeed. They are the same people that consistently drop the ball knowing that each time they do, they further hone their skill and acuity. These are the people who believe that consistent effort will enable them to learn and develop. I’ve come to realise that Juggling is all about the art of learning. It’s a process of dipping in and out of progression (pushing oneself beyond your current capability to develop) and flow (being engrossed in the task to a point where time stands still).
This equilibrium is essential for us to maintain our engagement and vitality for life. When we get too comfortable, we stop growing and we become bored. On the flip side, if we experience too much strain or discomfort, we burn-out. We must embrace and understand the infinite pattern that is at the core of everything. For anyone that has achieved flow while juggling, they will understand and appreciate that the flow of the juggling pattern in a three ball cascade follows the sign of infinity.
Without going too deep and philosophical I wanted to make a few points before closing this out:
- Learning to juggle is a fantastic way to change your brain’s composition.
- Juggling is a form of active meditation, so it relaxes your mind while stimulating your body; something our modern lives have thrown completely out of whack.
- A successful juggler embraces true grit and isn’t afraid of dropping the ball…. Repeatedly and to keep picking them up to try again.
- Juggling represents the dynamic process of learning agility by balancing the challenges of growth with the seduction of comfort.
- With discipline and consistency, your practice will be rewarded with progress beyond what you ever thought was possible. All within the same infinite framework. This doesn’t have much to do with talent…but a lot to do with motivation and hard work.
- Juggling is just like life. Embrace the opportunity to learn and you shall be rewarded. Resist the process or attempt to explain it and you will be frustrated to no end.
I still juggle to this day and continue to deepen my practice. I use juggling in my work as a coach and psychologist to enable people to create conscious change. Therefore, the aspiration is to be both a master juggler and to keep dropping the balls. I’ve learned to love the sound of the dull thud that a juggling ball makes when dropped. It’s no longer a source of frustration or angst but a simple reminder that I’m still learning.
If you’d like me to help you break through barriers, align your team or enhance your organisation’s culture book in a free 30minute discussion so we can discuss how I can support you.
About Joe
Joe’s visionis to enable people to be all of who they are by aligning who they are with whothey want to be. Working with Leaders and their teams, Joe coaches people tohave the conversations that most need to be had. With a Masters ofOrganisational Psychology and 12 years experience as a consultant, coach,facilitator and Culture expert, Joe understands what makes people tick. Joe’sclients love his approachable nature, flexible style and deep insight thatcreates meaningful changes to peoples’ lives.
References
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper & Row.
Draganski B, Gaser C, Busch V, Schuierer G, Bogdahn U, et al. (2004) Changes in grey matter induced by training. Neuroplasticity: Nature 427(6972): 311–312.
Driemeyer J, Boyke J, Gaser C, Bu¨ chel C, May A (2008) Changes in Gray Matter Induced by Learning—Revisited. PLoS ONE 3(7): e2669. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0002669
Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. New York, NY, US: Scribner/Simon & Schuster.
Dweck, Carol S.. (2008) Mindset :the new psychology of success New York : Ballantine Books
Nakahara, T., Nakahara, K., Uehara, M. et al. (2007) Effect of juggling therapy on anxiety disorders in female patients. BioPsychoSocial Med, 1: 10. doi:10.1186/1751-0759-1-10
Scholz J,Klein M. C., Behrens T. E. J., Johansen-Berg H. (2009) Training induces changesin white-matter architecture. Nature Neuroscience 12, 1370 – 1371