Is that really true?
How much of what you say is true? To even attempt to answer that question, you first need to be keenly aware of the words and phrases you are using. This is especially important if you are in a leadership role with significant influence.
How much of what you say is true? To even attempt to answer that question, you first need to be keenly aware of the words and phrases you are using. This is especially important if you are in a leadership role with significant influence.
Today I had a kick-off coaching session (virtual of course) with a new client. She was providing me with an overview of her situation and what she’d like to address in our sessions together.
As I was listening I noticed a pattern emerge in her language when she said “I’m happy to take on the extra work…..” when referring to how busy and under-resourced she was. However, the way she said it indicated that she wasn’t happy at all. The second time I heard her say it, I asked her if that was actually true. Was she happy to take on the extra work?
After a long pause, she said, “No..I’m not actually happy at all”. She then wanted to talk more about why and the fact that asking her to do more work was unfair, at which point I brought her back to the simple truth of noticing the incongruence between the words she used and how she felt. The truth is, she isn’t alone. I think much of our self-talk and the well-rehearsed idioms we use in our everyday conversations don’t match what we actually feel. I also think it’s why many leaders fail to establish trust and credibility.
Much of our distress boils down to feeling helpless, undervalued, used, taken for granted or rejected. These feelings usually manifest when you don’t feel heard or you’re struggling to express what’s really going on for you. Next time you’re sharing your challenges with someone, take notice of the language you use and whether it matches what you feel.
This reflective process is critical in establishing your awareness as a leader. Without awareness, you can’t lead yourself. If you can’t lead yourself, there’s no chance anyone will follow you. When your words match your feelings, you are leading with the truth. When you lead with the truth, people listen.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
How do you rate your empathy? Try being John Malkovich!
If you haven’t seen the film, ‘being John Malkovich’ is a bizarre story that provides insight into the concept of being able to inhabit somebody else’s skin, feel what they feel and move how they move. In doing so, you learn more about yourself by feeling free to express and explore who you are through the vessel of another. It beautifully conveys the power of empathy to enable deep reflection to take place about ones own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. What’s so wonderful about this film is that John Malkovich stars as John Malkovich, which to me, is the ultimate test of empathy.
If you haven’t seen the film, ‘Being John Malkovich’ is a bizarre story that provides insight into the concept of being able to inhabit somebody else’s skin, feel what they feel and move how they move. In doing so, you learn more about yourself by feeling free to express and explore who you are through the vessel of another. It beautifully conveys the power of empathy to enable deep reflection to take place about ones own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. What’s so wonderful about this film is that John Malkovich stars as John Malkovich, which to me, is the ultimate test of empathy.
Imagine that you were asked to play the starring role in the movie “Being [your name]”. In other words, how would you ‘be’ you. Like any other role, you’d have to study your character’s every move, understand their motivations, values, strengths, weaknesses, and fears. You’d have to understand in-depth, how they think, feel and behave in any given scenario. If you think this is easy, see how you go when someone sets you up in front of a camera and says “just be yourself”. To most, this is usually enough to trigger a freeze response or simply makes one go completely blank.
One could argue that over-thinking who you are or how you are perceived is a bottomless pit of self-conscious despair and will only lead to anxiety. On the contrary, I don’t think we consider our impact on others enough. If you want to make a positive impact on society at large, start with the people you interact with regularly and have a go at making sure your presence ensures they have a positive experience.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
The view of you: Let’s talk about perspective
Perspective-taking, in my opinion, is one of the most useful tools any of us have in our life skills toolbelt. Equally, losing perspective is one of the greatest handicaps one can suffer. Being able to shift perspective helps us re-focus in times of crisis, understand somebody else’s behaviour or point of view, see new possibilities for old problems, and learn from our mistakes. Given the ability to shift your perspective is so powerful, I reckon it’s an ability worth practising.
Have you said or ever heard someone say any of the following sentences?
“I don’t care what people think of me”
“I am who I am and if you don’t like it, that’s your problem”
“I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but you can’t please everyone”
“I focus on being myself, being true to who I really am”
If I’m completely honest, I’ve said some of the above sentences and heard plenty of people say them over the years. Most people would interpret the above affirmations as a sign of confidence or good self-esteem. Not me, I cringe when I hear them now. Why?… Because what they are really saying is “I couldn’t be bothered understanding how others feel, think and behave… their perspective doesn’t matter”
I’m open to the idea that there are some circumstances where it might make sense to “not care” what people think of you. Some might argue that as an elite athlete, it’s essential to “not care” but if you’re wondering what happened to Bernard Tomic or don’t even know who I’m talking about…I rest my case. I personally struggle to think of any examples where it actually makes sense. Unless of course, you are happy to live and work in an environment that doesn’t require you to build or maintain relationships. It reminds me of the reclusive types that retreat from society and have minimal contact with the outside world. They are usually incredibly interesting and quirky people but also quite damaged. To me, it all comes down to how self-centred they are. In other words, they view the world as being all about them and lack empathy for others. As a consequence, the view we all have of them is of being withdrawn and closed-off, albeit interesting and quirky. Of course, their perspective doesn’t shift with feedback because they already hold the view that they don’t care what other people think.
Perspective-taking, in my opinion, is one of the most useful tools any of us have in our life skills toolbelt. Equally, losing perspective is one of the greatest handicaps one can suffer. Being able to shift perspective helps us re-focus in times of crisis, understand somebody else’s behaviour or point of view, see new possibilities for old problems, and learn from our mistakes. Given the ability to shift your perspective is so powerful, I reckon it’s an ability worth practising.
To gain perspective, the two main skills that everyone needs to master, are Empathy and Experiential awareness. That is, one’s ability to understand what somebody else is feeling and the experience they are currently having in your presence. The problem is, when we need perspective most like when we are in the middle of a crisis or things just aren’t going our way, we often struggle to find it. The solution, while counterintuitive, is to stop focussing on yourself and look to what others are feeling and how they are experiencing you. This will give you a new perspective, and also help you see yourself how the rest of the world sees and experiences you.
If you’re still convinced that what others think of you doesn’t matter or isn’t helpful, try this on for size. How you see yourself is mirrored by how others experience you. For example, not caring how others experience you would be like someone politely letting you know that you’ve got something stuck between your teeth and you respond with “Thanks for letting me know, but I really don’t care”. Not exactly the best way to win friends and influence people! More applicable examples could be rejecting feedback in any of the following scenarios. Having poor body language in meetings, the overuse of ‘um’ when presenting, belittling others publicly, making cynical comments or snide remarks, not speaking up when you have something to say, big-noting yourself, turning up late to a meeting and lying about what caused your delay and the list goes on…and on. We all need perspective at times so we can see ourselves how others are seeing and experiencing us. However, you can only achieve perspective if you see yourself from another’s point of view.
If you’re looking for a little more insight, consider this. The view others have of you is shaped by the view you have of yourself. When you think about it, it’s quite simple, how you see yourself shapes your behaviour. How you behave shapes how people see and experience you. As a leader, manager or parent, this forges the culture of your organisation, team or household you are leading respectively. Your success as a leader in any context is directly related to your ability to empathise. When you take the time to understand what your key stakeholders are feeling you’ll also start to take responsibility for the behaviour that shapes their view of you.
To sum it all up, the view of you is a reflection of how you see yourself. If you couldn’t be bothered or don’t care what people think, their experience of you will be someone who doesn’t care, couldn’t be bothered and doesn’t want to understand them. This does not bode well for anyone wanting to create have a productive, engaged life. To avoid this outcome try Shifting your focus to put others at the centre of your universe and you’ll have no option but to demonstrate empathy and understanding.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Emotional Claustrophobia: The feeling of being stuck
For everyone feeling hard done by, cheated, robbed, restricted, shut-down, humiliated, disappointed, frustrated and any other ‘…ed’ you can think of, I’d like to suggest you add “Man’s search for meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl to your reading list. As a survivor of a prisoner of war camp and world-renowned psychiatrist, Viktor beautifully illustrates how you can have everything taken away from you and still draw on wisdom that enables you to choose your experience.
While I’m not claustrophobic, I hate the feeling of being stuck. I can totally understand the idea that small enclosed spaces freak people out and in some cases, something as innocuous as a building elevator can be enough to create overwhelming anxiety.
Right now, a big chunk of the country is in lock-down which after six weeks of restricted movement and plenty of screen time has triggered what I can only describe as emotional claustrophobia. That is, anxiety and depression brought on by forced restriction of movement and social interaction.
Unfortunately, the response to lock-down has lead to a minority acting out through demonstrations of rage, antisocial behaviour, opposition and blame - all of which are understandable.
For everyone feeling hard done by, cheated, robbed, restricted, shut-down, humiliated, disappointed, frustrated and any other ‘…ed’ you can think of, I’d like to suggest you add “Man’s search for meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl to your reading list. As a survivor of a prisoner of war camp and a world-renowned psychiatrist, Viktor beautifully illustrates how you can have everything taken away from you and still draw on the wisdom that enables you to choose your experience.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl
Having the time to reflect on my own experiences from past and present, I’m becoming more clear on what it means to ‘choose one’s own way’. Indeed, the situation the world is in right now is real, it’s scary, it’s uncertain and there is no immediate solution to the problem we all face. However, I’m drawing strength from great leaders such as Frankl that were able to choose their mindset, regardless of the hardship they faced.
If you’re feeling stuck and also feel like you’re suffering from a bit of Emotional claustrophobia it’s time to dig deep and resurrect the choices available to you. It is in these choices that you will discover your freedom.
One final quote from Frankl for you to ponder.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― Viktor E. Frankl
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Leadership: The Truth of it All
Put simply, leadership is following the truth or as I like to say it’s leading with the truth. Now, before you dismiss this as a hippy woo-woo definition, keep reading. When I say ‘the truth’ I don’t mean to get into a deep philosophical debate about perception and reality. I’m simply referring to your ability to recognise what ‘feels right’ or ‘sounds right’ to you. Think of it like a musician tuning a string instrument by ear, there is a calibration that takes place through the tensioning of the strings before the note they are looking for resonates sweetly. Now, without prior experience of hearing a properly tuned instrument, you won’t know how to tune it and regardless of the music you play, it’s guaranteed to sound terrible. So how did we ever land on an agreement about what was ‘in tune’ vs ‘out of tune’? A universal truth. Regardless of whether you are a musician or not, you can differentiate between an instrument that is poorly tuned vs one that is perfectly tuned. It requires no prior knowledge of music…you just know it when you hear it.
Before reading this article, take a moment to answer the following questions thoughtfully. For the purpose of this exercise, you don’t need to be in a formal leadership role. We all have the opportunity to lead ourselves and others in many areas of life. It could be at school, work, on the sporting field, in a family or within a group, club or the wider community. Regardless of your context, answer the following questions as a leader.
Are you a good leader?
How would you describe your leadership?
Do you know how others experience your leadership?
What makes you a better leader than anyone else?
Why would anyone want to follow your lead?
Why you….and why now?
Now that you’ve spent some time reflecting on your own leadership, you’re super clear on the definition of leadership right? Yeah well….if you’re anything like me, you might be comparing your definition with the more than 2 billion definitions that come up from a simple Google search and wondering which one is right!
Rather than quote what is already out there, I’d like to offer some of my thoughts on what good leadership looks like and how you can improve.
Put simply, leadership is following the truth or as I like to say it’s leading with the truth. Now, before you dismiss this as a hippy woo-woo definition, keep reading. When I say ‘the truth’ I don’t mean to get into a deep philosophical debate about perception and reality. I’m simply referring to your ability to recognise what ‘feels right’ or ‘sounds right’ to you. Think of it like a musician tuning a string instrument by ear, there is a calibration that takes place through the tensioning of the strings before the note they are looking for resonates sweetly. Now, without prior experience of hearing a properly tuned instrument, you won’t know how to tune it and regardless of the music you play, it’s guaranteed to sound terrible. So how did we ever land on an agreement about what was ‘in tune’ vs ‘out of tune’? A universal truth. Regardless of whether you are a musician or not, you can differentiate between an instrument that is poorly tuned vs one that is perfectly tuned. It requires no prior knowledge of music…you just know it when you hear it.
Applying this same idea to the sporting realm, when we see somebody performing at a peak level of excellence I.e. they are a well tuned athlete, we notice how effortless, fluid and true they are when they are demonstrating their skills. When striking the ball, leaping in the air, timing their run or delivering a blow, their movements represent a recognisable truth that everyone can see regardless of their level of expertise or prior experience.
Beyond music and sport, this same notion applies to everything you do, including leadership. Leadership, in all of its forms, is your ability to achieve self-mastery by 1. Recognising what is true and 2. Aligning your behaviour with that truth. In music or sport, recognising ‘the truth’ would be to understand what excellence is and evaluate your current performance against it. Aligning your behaviour with that truth would look like a whole lot of hard work in the form of repetitive practice, grit and perseverance. For leadership in the work or organisational context, it becomes a little more tricky as excellence is a bit more difficult to define than striking a ball with finesse or playing a series of chords to perfection. We often fall into the trap of emulating good leadership or refining good leadership characteristics. In my experience, this method creates a paradox whereby the harder you try to be a ‘good leader’ the worse your leadership becomes.
The ‘leadership’ paradox
Often, especially early in one’s career, there is a temptation to model yourself based on a leader that you have previously experienced. Sometimes the leadership was good, other times (very often) not so good but we naturally get anchored by our early experiences and start aligning our behaviour with them. This does little more than create a bunch of noise and distraction that prevents you from being a leader and demonstrating good leadership. We all want to have a roadmap or certainty about what we need to do to become a good leader so we can get to work and have a more positive impact on those around us and the companies we work for. The good news is, I’m going to provide you with a roadmap that will enable you to get to work but before I do, I want to make it ultra-clear that you need to let go of trying to be a leader. This is the paradox of leadership. The harder you try, the worse your leadership will be. Similarly, the more you let go of being a leader, the closer you will get to demonstrating leadership. Bringing it back to sport, the leadership paradox is a bit like generating power when kicking a football, serving a tennis ball or driving a golf ball off a tee. Your focus is on timing and efficiency rather than brute force. The most powerful shots always come with a surprising effortlessness that feels so right and true. When it happens by accident we then spend a great deal of effort trying to replicate the effortlessness!
Self-mastery is the key
The most important insight I can share about what differentiates good leaders from bad leaders is self-mastery. The second most important insight is that self-mastery is something you can never stop pursuing and can never fully achieve. In other words, you can always improve and the process of improvement is constant. To achieve self-mastery there are three elements that you need to be aware of.
Element 1: To have a strengths focus - Having worked for Gallup for the first 7 years of my career I’ve personally seen and experienced the benefits of applying the research insights that have emerged from positive psychology. Too often, we are taught to focus on fixing our weaknesses so we can be well rounded. This seems logical, and also makes sense, that is until you consider how it makes you feel. Constantly focussing on your weaknesses makes you feel tired, inadequate and like you aren’t doing a good job. Furthermore, you will likely improve but plateau at mediocrity. The real benefit is focussing on what comes naturally to you, so you can achieve excellence. In doing so, you can relax into the person you are, rather than try to be somebody you are not. Having a strengths focus also means that the way you see people around you starts to shift. Rather than focus on what is missing from them, you start to see what they offer and how that can help you. A simple way to get to know your strengths is to undertake a personality assessment. The Clifton strengths assessment is a good one but will cost you money. If you’d rather save some coin, you could try the VIA survey instead. They are both good and will give you a starting point to help shift your focus toward your areas of strength.
Element 2: Know and align to your purpose - For many people, articulating their purpose is easy. Now if you’re thinking…yeah…that’s easy, my purpose is to make money, then I need you to dig a little deeper. Of course, we all need money but there is something unique about what gets you excited, what lights you up and when you’re facing your darkest moments, you’ll draw upon to get you out of a rut. Something I’ve learned about people is that we all have a deeper purpose and we all know what it is (intuitively). The problem is, we don’t talk about it often so our ability to articulate our purpose is pretty poor. The irony of being able to articulate it is it’s hard to find when you need it most, that’s why you do the hard work when you aren’t under pressure…sort of like an athlete practice their skills in training so when the big moment comes they can perform. The best way to get clear on your purpose is to start by identifying your core values. You can do this work by yourself or by working with a coach or mentor that can help guide the process. There is no right or wrong answer but your values need to resonate deeply with you for it to be a beneficial exercise. For some, this is an easy exercise while others grapple with it for years. Once you’ve got your values identified, I like to shape them into a purpose statement or a pithy sentence that is meaningful and captures the essence of your values. Don’t worry if you don’t get it quickly, it’s an evolutionary process that will change and develop over time. You don’t need to rush it!
Element 3: Understand how to regulate your emotions - This is by far the greatest challenge but equally the most important element to master. We’ve all heard the term emotional intelligence, which refers to our ability to name, understand, recognise and utilise our emotions effectively. Another popular term thanks to the work of Susan David is Emotional Agility. This is about learning how we can embrace all of our emotions…even the supposed bad ones to help us be more effective leaders. The truth is if you aren’t able to regulate your emotions, then your ability to demonstrate your strengths and live in alignment with your purpose is diminished. Furthermore, when you let your emotions get the better of you, it doesn’t matter how good a leader you are, people only experience your emotion and can’t see your strengths or connect with your purpose. When your emotions take over or ‘hijack’ your brain, you become like a train that’s come off its rails…unpredictable, dangerous and the cause for people to run for their lives. If you know your temper is bad or your ability to manage your anxiety is poor, the best thing you can do is engage a coach or psychologist to help identify some strategies you can use to get things back on track.
By actively working on developing these three key elements to self mastery, you’ll be taking an important step toward developing yourself into a formidable leader, whether you have direct reports or not.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Attention all Parents and Managers: Do You Care Enough?
The similarities of being a parent and leading a team of people in a work context are undeniable. Parents and leaders alike, often describe feeling like they are pulled from pillar to post, selflessly giving all of who they are for the betterment of their successors. They shield them from compromising situations, they protect their welfare (helicopter parents or ‘air-cover’ in the work context), they teach them valuable life lessons and they mentor them to improve (otherwise known as lecturing). Interestingly, both parents and leaders describe a similar frustration with their perceived lack of appreciation by saying things like “If only they knew how valuable these lessons are that I’m teaching them” or “I put so much effort into making sure their situation is better than what I had to deal with…they just don’t seem to get it” or “I’m done….I can’t keep making all these sacrifices and not receive any sort of thanks or recognition for everything I do”….or “ you know what…I don’t care anymore, they can do whatever they want… one day they’ll realise I’m right”.
The similarities of being a parent and leading a team of people in a work context are undeniable. Parents and leaders alike, often describe feeling like they are pulled from pillar to post, selflessly giving all of who they are for the betterment of their successors. They shield them from compromising situations, they protect their welfare (helicopter parents or ‘air-cover’ in the work context), they teach them valuable life lessons and they mentor them to improve (otherwise known as lecturing). Interestingly, both parents and leaders describe a similar frustration with their perceived lack of appreciation by saying things like “If only they knew how valuable these lessons are that I’m teaching them” or “I put so much effort into making sure their situation is better than what I had to deal with…they just don’t seem to get it” or “I’m done….I can’t keep making all these sacrifices and not receive any sort of thanks or recognition for everything I do”….or “ you know what…I don’t care anymore, they can do whatever they want… one day they’ll realise I’m right”.
What this means for you
If these phrases resonate with you, whether you’re a parent or a professional, you’re wasting your time if you expect any sort of kudos for your efforts. The truth is, even if they said all the right things, it’s empty unless it’s followed up with some action. Most people know exactly what you want to hear to get you off their back. It delivers a short term burst of positive emotion for the receiver but, like the buzz experienced from a hit of caffeine or sugar, it wears off quickly. It feels good but you know it’s got false energy behind it. It’s seductive and easy….but deep down you know it’s fake. It’s simply a reflection that they have likely figured out how you were influencing them to do what you wanted….they’ve cracked the code so to speak, and started beating you at your own transactional game. Their behaviour toward you is a direct reflection of how they view you….and if that view is transactional, then you’ve only got yourself to blame.
Why am I sharing this?
I’m obsessed with helping people see themselves the way the rest of the world sees them. When we are able to tap into others’ perspectives, we open the door to a powerful form of empathy that drives us to act in ways that realign us to how we want to be experienced. In doing so, we consciously create a legacy that makes us feel proud of who we are, clearly articulate what we want and know with certainty why we matter. By taking our own perspective and rounding it out with the view of all our stakeholders (the good, the bad and the ugly)we are left with what I call the ‘true perspective’ of you; the true view of you. This ‘True Perspective’, if you choose to accept it as valid, is what will enable you to lead with the truth both personally and professionally.
Applied learning
Lately, I’ve been going through the same challenges every parent of teenagers is inevitably faced with. Ultimately, our teenagers start to push the relationship boundaries and want to explore and shape their identities more fully. This is all part of the transition from childhood to adulthood and a necessary rite of passage. Nonetheless, it can be a painful and difficult time for parents as they are required to take on more of a leadership role in the relationship because the *autocratic method that works very well with young kids doesn’t get the same result with teenagers. The more complex issues (motivation, purpose, identity, power, equality and status) that are introduced by teenagers require a long term strategy that is focussed on continually growing and deepening the relationship. Obviously everybody wants to be able to focus on developing a long-term, ever-deepening relationship with your teenager but and direct attempt will most likely result in rejection. The same is true for managers….while it sounds like a great plan to have a deep relationship with your direct reports, unless you meet their emotional needs first, they will never interpret your behaviour as a genuine attempt to build connection.
Understanding your level of care
As people, we all have emotional needs that when you start going deeper, all link back to one basic need; the need to be loved. Basically, we all need to feel loved, accepted, that we belong and that regardless of what’s happening, somebody deeply cares about us. I know this sounds incredibly basic but it’s astonishing how often this point is missed. To simplify this further, your behaviour as a parent, or a manager, will get classified in one of three ways.
Absence: This is when someone feels ignored by their parent or manager. They have no information to interpret so in the absence of information, they make stuff up. What they make up typically sounds like “They don’t love me” or “They clearly don’t care about me because I never see or hear from them”. Of course, this interpretation could be completely wrong but in the absence of information, they get stuck in their own thinking which is typically negative.
Presence: This is when someone knows they are loved, cared about and have all of the basic needs met. They feel safe, looked after, valued and worthy. It really is the bare minimum that you would expect of a parent or manager. The issue with this is it can easily be achieved by saying all of the right things. As we all know, it’s not enough to simply tell somebody you love them, you need to show them that you love them through your actions. As human beings, a red flag goes up when what someone says is misaligned with what someone does.
Perseverance: This is the most powerful but most difficult level to achieve. This is the idea of tough love and comes in the form of intervention and disruption. The real question that you are answering at this level is “Do they care about me enough to take action or intervene?”. It’s not a thought or something that you say but no less than what you do that confirms whether you really care or not. It is the ultimate test and requires an act of selflessness from the parent or professional.
What’s the point?
Whether you are a parent leading a family or a professional leading a team, you are judged (broadly) as falling into one of these three categories. You are responsible for establishing the ground rules for building a long-term relationship with the people you are primarily responsible for. You need to focus on the trilogy of thoughts, words and acts of love to reinforce that the relationship is important to you. As messy as it gets…and it will certainly get messy, your primary concern is to think, say and act with the intention to demonstrate that you care about them AND you care so much that you are willing to put your own emotional needs on hold, to ensure that their emotional needs are met. As a parent and as a manager….you need to understand that IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!
Parents - read this
For the parents out there, if you’re worried that by putting some clear boundaries around who your teenager hangs out with and where they hang out, they are going to hate you. My advice, get over yourself and get used to the discomfort that comes with doing your job as a parent or manager. Their rejection of you is a test to see if you care enough to intervene, take action and stick by your word. They will thank you in the long term and you will grow as a leader.
Managers/Professionals - read this
As a manager or professional, if you are struggling to address some performance challenges you are having with a direct report because you don’t want to disrupt the positive relationships and engagement in the team. Again…get over yourself and see the bigger picture. If you take the line of perseverance, you look to the long-term viability of the relationship and forgo the easy, lazy option of saying nothing at all. Everybody can see that what you have to do takes courage, isn’t easy and nobody would want to be in your shoes. On the flip side, there is no other option but to ‘embrace the suck’ as Brene Brown would say.
Everybody - read this
Due to their similarity, I’ve been directing you toward considering this framework in relation to the role of a manager or a parent. If you play either these roles, both or neither, it doesn’t really matter. The core issue we are dealing with is relevant do any meaningful relationship you have in your life…be it personal or at work. The next time you find yourself justifying somebody else’s behaviour, wishing another person could see something from your perspective, getting frustrated, angry, sad as a result of something they did. I want you to ask yourself one question - Do I care enough to intervene and take action? You can be certain that if you aren’t asking that question and answering it with a strong ‘yes’. They will be left with the conclusion that you don’t care and that they don’t really matter.
*By autocratic methods, I mean using your power and authority to punish, bribe and threaten to get the outcome you want. For example, a father might say to his child “If you don’t brush your teeth right now you won’t be allowed to play the iPad for a whole week…..one….two….two and a half”.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Everybody has a plan until you get hit by a truck!
As an avid martial arts fan, I was recently reminded of the brutal simplicity of Mike Tyson’s infamous quote “Everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face”. Coupled with my recent experience, I wanted to explore the concept of managing your emotions; a skill and critical element in demonstrating emotional intelligence.
As an avid martial arts fan, I was recently reminded of the brutal simplicity of Mike Tyson’s infamous quote “Everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face”. Coupled with my recent experience, I wanted to explore the concept of managing your emotions; a skill and critical element in demonstrating emotional intelligence.
A minor setback
Two Saturdays ago, I awoke early to begin the ritual of getting my kids off to their weekend sporting activities. We were on track until I tried to start the car…and the engine sadly answered with a strange grinding/clicking noise. With no time to wait for roadside assist or waste time getting angry at the fact that there might be a serious issue with the car, I kept my cool and quickly changed the plan. My wife has a car and she was about to head off to the gym so we agreed that her car would be the taxi for the day and everyone would still make it to their activities. This was a minor blip in the course of the morning, but for some, could be an opportunity to derail their entire day. While the crisis was averted, I knew I still had to organise roadside assist and figure out what was wrong with my car.
When a minor setback becomes a significant trauma
I dropped my wife off at the Gym then stopped to pick up a coffee on the way back to my son’s soccer game. At a set of traffic lights, I was sipping my coffee proudly (or perhaps arrogantly) reflecting on the ease with which I kept my emotions in check after a rather tumultuous start to the day. The light turned green so I started to make a left turn and that’s when it happened, I got hit by a truck! My coffee ended up as decoration for the upholstery and my wife’s Toyota RAV 4 came off second best, which you would expect when colliding with a 10-ton truck. Fortunately for me, because I was turning left and the truck swerved right, it was a glancing blow hence why I’m still alive and able to write about my experience. As soon as the truck hit me I knew what had happened. My first response was “What the F&!#” then I tried to figure out if I’d done something wrong…did I run a red light? “No…it was definitely green,” I said to myself. While I was rattled, I was strangely calm. Before getting out of the car to confront the truck driver and inspect the damage, I took a moment to notice my breath and gauge my heart rate. As I got out of the car and locked eyes with the truck driver, the poor guy was in shock. He was trembling with adrenaline and extremely apologetic. His thinking was scrambled and he immediately admitted that he ran the red light as he was not sure where he was going. A witness also shared their details and confirmed that the truck driver had run a red light.
Firstly, I want to reinforce that I was the only person in my car and nobody was injured in the accident - thank goodness. For the rest of the day and for the few weeks since I’ve been reflecting on how lucky I am to be able to say that I’ve been hit by a truck and am still alive to tell the tale. The second insight that struck me is how empowering it is to stay calm and present, even when faced with significant trauma or a crisis. Mike Tyson rightly points out that you can have the best strategy to win a fight but the second you get in the ring and you cop a punch to the face, your adrenaline takes over and you are at the mercy of your physiological self…A part of you that is geared toward revving you up to fight back or flee the danger all together. We all know what this feels like but it’s incredibly difficult to control when it’s happening to you. Of course, there are times when this physiological response comes in handy but it certainly isn’t useful in most modern-day situations that we face. What about being in a fight you might ask? Wouldn’t your ‘fight’ response enhance your ability to win? It’s a logical conclusion but anyone who fights regularly and skillfully knows that it’s actually wrong.
Mastering your physiological self
Following the accident, I got thinking about what enabled me to stay calm in such a challenging situation. It’s not like I’ve been hit by a truck before so I couldn’t put it down to experience. I then reflected on my ongoing training in martial arts and it dawned on me that I’ve been consistently training my body to master my physiological self. I recognised that there are some key principles that you learn in the dojo that potentially generalise to other areas of life.
When training in any martial arts, combat sports or any sports for that matter, your ability to stay calm by focussing on your breathing is critical. Once you lose your breath, your whole body gets sapped of energy. The same ideas apply to basic meditation, yoga, endurance running, swimming…and the list goes on.
The second element to any good training regime is repetition. The idea is simple. When you are in a fight, you don’t have time to ‘think’ about what you have to do. It needs to be an automatic response that you have prepared for. It’s all about trusting your body and your ability to do what needs to be done.
The third element to enable you to manage your physiological self is practising through simulation. When training in Martial Arts, this looks like loads of sparring with people that are better than you. It’s hard, it’s challenging, it’s sometimes demoralising but it certainly simulates what a fight feels like and enables you to practice your ability to focus under pressure.
These three areas of foundational training set you up for success when you have to face a situation that requires you to fight. Of course, we don’t want to go out looking for a fight but in the event that we have to, we want to know that we are ready and able. Leadership guru Stephen Covey refers to this as ‘Sharpening the saw’. My conclusion from all of this is it seems that training in martial arts not only prepares you to fight but also prepares you to manage your emotions when facing any sort of trauma.
What does this mean for leadership and life?
When thinking about leadership and life in general, you are likely to face significant challenges or mild ‘trauma’ regularly. One could even classify COVID-19 and the impact it has had on the world as similar to being hit by a truck or punched in the face. It pretty much came out of nowhere and it’s the sort of thing most people wouldn’t spend time planning for. As a leader of your life, regardless of what drives you, your strengths, your capability, or your good intentions…All of these things get overshadowed by one thing; your ability to keep your cool when you are facing a crisis. Once you let your physiological self take over, you’re certain to show up in a way that isn’t aligned with how you want people to experience you. Controlling our breath, practising behaviour that grounds us or centres us and simulating challenging situations (through coaching and mentoring) will enable you to master your physiological self. Over time, you’ll be able to gain a deeper awareness and make more conscious decisions to respond in times of crisis…a capability every leader should aspire to develop.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with mastering your physiological self? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Can you state your purpose?…Or is that not practical enough for you?
To have a purpose is to have resolve, determination, and an intrinsic reason to act. It enables intention to meet action so what you do, has meaning. When someone is clear on their purpose, they have a spring in their step, an air of confidence about them that is powerful, unique and engaging. Without purpose, time can stretch so a moment morphs into a day, and a day bleeds into a week and before you know it, you are chunking time in decades or more, and while a lot has happened most of it wasn’t really intentional. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast lane that you end up getting carried with the momentum of everybody else…so much so that you forget about purpose altogether. It’s how our brains ensure we survive, like a herd of Wildebeests running from danger, all moving in the same direction to limit their chances of being attacked. Much of society and culture is about moving with the herd to ensure survival. The problem with this? if you do happen to get isolated or marginalised, you’ll need your purpose more than ever.
To have a purpose is to have resolve, determination, and an intrinsic reason to act. It enables intention to meet action so what you do, has meaning. When someone is clear on their purpose, they have a spring in their step, an air of confidence about them that is powerful, unique and engaging. Without purpose, time can stretch so a moment morphs into a day, and a day bleeds into a week and before you know it, you are chunking time in decades or more, and while a lot has happened most of it wasn’t really intentional. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast lane that you end up getting carried with the momentum of everybody else…so much so that you forget about purpose altogether. It’s how our brains ensure we survive, like a herd of Wildebeests running from danger, all moving in the same direction to limit their chances of being attacked. Much of society and culture is about moving with the herd to ensure survival. The problem with this? if you do happen to get isolated or marginalised, you’ll need your purpose more than ever.
When I talk about purpose it goes beyond the job that you have, the money you earn, the kids you are responsible for or the family you belong to…it’s way deeper than that. It even goes deeper than the compensatory behaviour we all engage in to make up for any perceived injustice that we’ve had to endure (redundancies, divorce, death of a loved one, childhood adversity, family feuds etc.). In most movies, you’ll notice that the protagonist is typically fueled by a desire to seek revenge, find love, gain reputation or protect their family. These are the surface level goals, ambitions, and motivations that they openly share and discuss. Very rarely, however, do they reveal their core purpose, the purpose which provides them with their charm, charisma, and magnetism. The reason for this? They probably haven’t explored what it is so they can’t articulate it. Even if they had, you’d most likely be confused and unimpressed if they revealed it to you!
Your purpose is for you…nobody else
When I help my clients identify and articulate their purpose, it usually doesn’t take very long. In fact, stating your purpose is the easy part, it’s aligning to that purpose that will take the rest of your life. Some people intuitively get this step and quickly grasp the power of being able to tap into an infinite resource of self-determining energy. Others, however, really struggle to make the connection. This article is for those who are struggling with the idea that by connecting to their purpose it will make a positive difference in their lives. If you roll your eyes every time somebody talks about a ‘higher purpose’ or finding their ‘true north’…you’re in good company. I tend to do the same. However, having done the work, I recognise how being able to articulate your purpose permeates everything that you do and in doing so, enhances how you experience the world and how the world experiences you.
A better, more practical question to ask
Two years ago I was working with a leader…let’s call him Jason. Jason managed a small team and his business was doing well. He was young, successful and had everything going for him. He sought me out because he felt like something was missing. He kept telling himself that he should be happier and that things should feel better now that he had achieved his ambition. The truth was, he didn’t feel happy, he wasn’t fulfilled…in fact, he’d never been more miserable. There was nothing wrong…everything was exactly as it should be but for some reason, nothing felt right to him. Jason wasn’t clear on his purpose at all…he lacked that spring in his step, his energy was low and he didn’t hold himself with confidence. We did some work to help him state his purpose and the moment he identified it he deflated like a two-day-old party balloon. Just like his life had failed to meet his lofty expectations, articulating his purpose had only disappointed him further. As part of the coaching program, I also conducted a 360 for Jason. Before receiving any of the feedback, Jason let me know that he didn’t care what other people thought about him. He described how he just got on and did his thing regardless…he didn’t have time to worry about anybody outside his circle of good friends. The logic being that if he offends anybody, his friends ‘get him’ but everybody else would just have to ‘deal with it’. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Jason was less than charming as a leader, and often found himself dealing with staff issues stemming from a backlash to his leadership style. Since his purpose statement wasn’t helping Jason ‘see’ what was blindingly obvious to everybody else, I presented him with the better question to ask “Jason, how do you want people to experience you?….How might they describe you if they truly ‘got’ your intention”. I let him sit with the question for a good minute before he broke the silence. He rattled off a series of adjectives “Wise, easy-going, fun, friendly and….trustworthy”. Not surprisingly, the feedback gathered wasn’t a close match. The words they used to describe their experience of him were “Tense, overly ambitious, serious, and moody” all highlighting some significant gaps in his experience-awareness…(Experience-awareness is sort of like self-awareness but it’s more about taking the perspective of those around you). Like Jason, by seeking feedback you are able to see yourself the way the rest of the world sees you…but be warned, you may not like what you see.
Similarly to Jason, many of us might feel that the best way to be successful is to focus on our goals, ambitions, and wealth creation. These are all great and I fully support chasing them with gusto. I do however caution people about chasing their goals, ambitions and wealth creation without first aligning to their purpose. As it was with Jason, you might achieve all your goals but you will feel hollow and depleted. If however, Jason integrated his goals with how he wants people to experience him, he creates balance and synergy. By turning his focus to how he wants people to experience him Jason must repeatedly ask for feedback, accept that feedback as valid (regardless of how confronting) and decide what he will act upon. I’d love to be able to share with you that Jason succeeded but I can’t. His response to the feedback was “I already knew that’s what they would say…and it confirms that they don’t really know me or get me”. This confirmed that Jason’s experience-awareness was low, and his unwillingness to take responsibility for the experience people were having of him would ensure he would continue to feel unfulfilled.
You shape the experience people have of you
As children, we interact freely with the world. We say what we want when we want. If we don’t get what we want, we cry, throw tantrums and get upset. As children, we see the world from one very self-centred perspective and have very little awareness of how others might be experiencing us. As we grow and learn, we become aware of the impact our behaviour has on others. Some might describe this as having empathy, others might say it’s simply socialisation, I say it’s experience-awareness, a necessary tool to create your personal legacy. I know many people cringe at the word legacy and feel that it’s far too grandiose. What I’m trying to describe is not egotistical at all, rather, it’s an outside-in feedback loop that ensures that your purpose (what’s most important to you) is being experienced in alignment with your intention. I guarantee that you won’t always get it right…perhaps you will never get it right but the pursuit of aligning your intentions with how people experience you will change everything. It enhances your energy, your happiness, your fulfilment, your productivity, your decision making, your relationships, and your leadership. The best thing about this strategy is it’s both selfless and selfish. By turning your focus to how people experience you, you are serving them with a better more empathetic version of who you are, you are also enhancing your wellbeing and every other aspect of your life at the same time.
Bringing it all together
Knowing your purpose so you can articulate it, and align with it, is critical for sustaining your energy, confidence and long term fulfilment. Without it, you are most likely floating along through life like a bubble in the wind, barely noticeable, unsustainable and aimless.
If you’re like most people, you turn to tasks and projects to give you satisfaction and keep you busy. However, focusing on goals alone or ‘What’ you do is going to leave you empty in the long term. Instead, try focussing on ‘How’ you go about achieving those goals. How you lead a team, how you parent a child, how you build a relationship all link back to how you interact with and relate to others.
Purpose can sometimes feel a bit spiritual or impractical for those ‘doers’ amongst us. It’s for this reason that people can sometimes snub it because they just want to ‘kick some goals’ or ‘get stuff done’. If purpose feels a bit lofty or high-level for you, ask yourself a better, more grounded question, “How do I want people to experience me?”.
By matching your intention (how you want people to experience you) with the actual experience people have of you (We figure this out by seeking feedback), you will increase your experience-awareness, fulfilment and wellbeing.
Your purpose energises you to take action while your legacy reflects how that action is experienced or interpreted. If you’re a leader, rather than put this in the ‘too hard basket’ you owe it to yourself and the people around you to take responsibility for how they are experiencing you.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with your purpose or how people experience you? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Break-ups are ugly: Why losing your job and being dumped by your partner can feel the same
Right now, there a plenty of people are losing their jobs, facing uncertainty and feeling like their worth has been questioned…and let’s be honest…it has. When leaders of organisations facing challenging times have to make the tough call to let people go, they don’t do it lightly. In fact, regardless of how ruthless some people can be, terminating employment is still up there as one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever need to have with somebody. Nobody likes it, it’s never easy and the person on the receiving end is usually devastated.
Relationships are everything. They reflect how we are raised as kids, our education, the work that we do, our partners, friends, clubs we join, associations we belong to etc. Relationships represent how we connect with others and regardless of how functional they are when they are taken away, we notice.
Right now, there a plenty of people are losing their jobs, facing uncertainty and feeling like their worth has been questioned…and let’s be honest…it has. When leaders of organisations facing challenging times have to make the tough call to let people go, they don’t do it lightly. In fact, regardless of how ruthless some people can be, terminating employment is still up there as one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever need to have with somebody. Nobody likes it, it’s never easy and the person on the receiving end is usually devastated.
You would think that in the context of an organisation, justifying a termination would be relatively easy e.g. misconduct, underperformance, poor culture fit etc., and realistically it is. The part that we all get snagged on is the feeling of betrayal, unfairness, or injustice of it all. In many ways, the relationship we have with work is similar to having a long term partner in life so when things don’t quite work out, the break-up can get ugly. Even when we know that a job isn’t fulfilling, or our partners aren’t a good match for us we tend to cling onto the familiarity and safety of the relationship. The longer we stay in a dysfunctional relationship, the harder it is to leave. We waste vast amounts of energy just trying to tread water in vain, knowing that inevitably you will run out of energy and simply drown.
The remainder of this article focuses on what happens once you’ve moved on. Most of the articles I’ve read on this topic, talk about how to make the decision to move out of a toxic relationship (because most people find it difficult to leave) but what if it happens to you unexpectedly? How would you cope?
Know thy relationship
Knowing how to cope following a relationship breakdown depends on the two major factors:
1) Whether you saw the break-up coming or not.
2) Whether the relationship was toxic or functional.
The Toxic Train-crash
When you’re in a toxic relationship be it work or personal if you see the end coming it can sometimes feel like a train crash happening in slow motion. It’s long, painful, often bitter and full of spite. It looks like the warring couple that spends years arguing in court to ensure that the other person ‘Gets what they deserve’ or their ex doesn’t ‘get more than they deserve’. Often, this ends in a stress-related reduction of both their lifespans, the devastation of their relationship with their kids and a bunch of rich lawyers.
At work, it can be even worse when things go really sour. People can be on workers compensation for the majority of their working lives due to a breakdown in the relationship they have with their employer. Despite them getting paid, the bitterness and spite poisons every relationship in their life and they rarely move on to bigger and better things.
The selfless Victim
It’s more common that people remain in a toxic relationship whether that be their job, which they feel they can’t leave due to financial commitments or a lack of transferable skills, or their relationship which is usually justified as ‘I’m staying for the kids’ or some other perfectly logical reason. It’s when these relationships suddenly end that feelings of insecurity can rise up having a crippling effect on the person that remains.
Imagine you’ve been married for ten years…it’s not exactly great and you have at times felt as though you made a mistake but you’re loyal, you convince yourself that it’s not all bad, so you stay. One day, you come home to your partner sitting at the kitchen table caressing a mug of tea, they give you a melancholy look that you’ve never seen before, but you instantly know what’s going on…you feel their honesty; it’s over. There is the initial shock of it all which is shortly followed by strong feelings of insecurity. All of your fears, the pros and cons of staying vs leaving come flooding back to you. How dare they leave when you were loyal for so long…” that’s not fair” you say to yourself. It’s at this point that you recognise that your loyalty has earned you nothing, your selflessness has drained your energy and now you are nothing but a victim.
Life Happens
Sometimes, when things are going really well, you’re loving your career, your team, your company then something happens. The market crashes, a global pandemic hits, the company folds or you’re caught up in a massive organisational restructure. You lose your job, and you didn’t see it coming. Feelings of despair, shock, loss, grief and denial kick in. It’s hard to accept, there is no ‘why’ to analyse, mistakes to learn from or reason to process. It just happened. Similarly, when people lose a loved one to death through accident or disease, the trauma experienced can throw them off for months or even years.
The Conscious Leader
Leadership is a conscious process of continual alignment and evolution. It’s sort of like tracking North on a compass. You’ve got to keep moving forward to reach your destination while at the same time you are watching the ‘needle’ to ensure that it’s still aligned to your desired destination. In any relationship, there are times where one person outgrows the other be it a partner or an organisation that you are working for. It may not be broken but if you aren’t growing anymore, it might be time to move on. It takes guts to make this call and step into your insecurities and all that you don’t know, but this is where growth happens. In all the years that I’ve been coaching people I’ve seen many people take action as a conscious leader and while it’s scary, it ALWAYS precedes a positive change in their lives. These acts of alignment carry them forward continuously requiring them to reorient themselves back to North; their aspiration.
See the following diagram to figure out the dynamic of your relationship.
Fig 1. When relationships end, whether you see it coming or not, there are patterns of feeling that emerge.
Beware the loyalty trap
Having conducted my fair share of interviews over the years, loyalty is often cited as a great value to have. It appears as often as integrity, trustworthiness and reliability. The challenge is, if you see yourself as a ‘loyal’ person at work, meaning that you won’t explore other job opportunities or stay active in the market, your setting yourself up for failure. Imagine for a moment, if you took someone out on a date and they kept referencing that they were ‘loyal’ or ‘faithful’ you might have a legitimate reason to be concerned about their fidelity. Rather, you’d hope that early on in a relationship you would spend a good deal of time discussing the needs of both to remain in a long term, loving partnership. There is an unspoken assumption that if either person isn’t ‘feeling the love’ then it’s time to pluck up the courage to be honest. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with somebody just because they are ‘loyal’, there has to be some form of love at the core of it. The same goes for your workplace, if you’re ‘loyal’ but not getting any ‘love’ in return you’re likely stuck in a long term relationship that has stagnated. Nothing is broken but it’s not great either. Things can coast along politely for years without an honest conversation. When speaking with people in this situation they say things like:
“It’s not perfect….but nothing is, there’s no point rocking the boat for the sake of it”
“I’m worried that if a make a change now, it will be worse that what I’ve currently got”
“I know it’s bad but they are promising that things will get better….so I’ll stick it out”
“I don’t want to be judged for quitting or failing….That’s not what I do”
If you recognise yourself in any of the above statements, it’s time to stop hiding behind loyalty and start being honest with yourself about what you want. There is nothing more unattractive than somebody who is lying to themselves. Once you stop lying to yourself, you’re able to bring some honesty in how you relate to others, that’s when things will start to shift for you.
I now know the dynamics of my relationship…now what do I do?
Having figured out what type of relationship you were in and how it ended, use the following table for a few tips and ideas for how you can cope. These are equally applicable for somebody that has recently left a partner or have lost their job (or in some cases both!).
Fig 2. How to cope when your relationship ends, whether you saw it coming or not!
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with your relationships? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
How to express yourself without losing your SH!T
Following on from a conversation I had with a client recently, we discussed a uniquely human challenge that all humans face. That is, how do we honestly express ourselves without losing control to the point of yelling, screaming or engaging in a physical display or our emotions. In other words, how can you express yourself without losing your sh!t?
Following on from a conversation I had with a client recently, we discussed a uniquely human challenge that all humans face. That is, how do we honestly express ourselves without losing control to the point of yelling, screaming or engaging in a physical display of our emotions? In other words, how can you express yourself without losing your sh!t?
As a parent of four, I know how easy it is to ‘lose your sh!t’ when your kids aren’t listening, haven’t done their homework, are squabbling amongst themselves over whose turn it is on the Xbox or tell you that they’ve forgotten something upon arrival at your destination - after repeatedly prompting them with ‘don’t forget to bring….’.
We’ve all got our different thresholds of tolerating what we deem to be unacceptable behaviour but once that threshold is crossed, it triggers a surge of emotion like a tsunami rippling out from the epicentre of an earthquake under the ocean. Once it has been triggered, there’s no stopping it….at that point, it’s about weathering the storm and dealing with the path of destruction that it leaves behind.
The importance of being heard
For me, I know that there is something primal that happens inside me when I’m not feeling heard, and in the familiarity of my own home is where my primal scream is unleashed. For those that know me professionally, they probably can’t imagine me getting angry or screaming at my kids. Trust me, my kids can confirm that it happens. The truth is, I’m not proud of it. It’s not aligned with who I am, what I represent nor how I want my kids to experience me as their dad. What’s more, if I get really honest with myself, those times when I’m not feeling heard at home are usually just the tip of the iceberg. There is a whole raft of things that sit just beneath the surface that are contributing to the pressure that is building. The trick is to know how to release some of that pressure in small amounts so it never gets to the point of a gigantic explosion that has built up over time.
To deliver your message and it be heard, you need the right amount of emotion. Too much and it explodes…too little and your message fizzles out and doesn’t go anywhere. Think of it like a rocket. To get enough thrust to take off, fuel needs to burn with enough ferocity that the gases are forced through the small hole at the bottom creating the momentum to move through the air. Too much ferocity and the rocket simply explodes. Not enough and the rocket never takes off. A perfectly designed rocket is intense but also beautiful as it streaks through the sky leaving a trail of brilliance behind it.
I think we’ve all been trained so well to be ‘professional’, ‘polite’, ‘nice’, and ‘respectful’ that we’re not expressing ourselves honestly most of the time. We spend a lot of energy making sure that we don’t ‘upset people’ or say something that might not ‘go down well’ so we end up suppressing all of it…until we can’t contain the pressure anymore and BOOOOM! We create a cycle of communication with our kids, partners, work colleagues, friends and extended family that perpetually follows this pattern.
Depending on your personality, you’ll have your own threshold of tolerance and level of ‘ferocity’ behind your messages. I’m not advocating to change who you are but more so enhancing how you are experienced by providing people with an opportunity to hear your message. Imagine how amazing you would feel if every time you spoke people totally ‘got’ you. No need to repeat yourself, raise your voice, bang fists on tables or refrain from saying anything out of fear that you’ll say something you’ll regret.
The relationship between clarity and emotion
In 1908, Yerkes and Dodson demonstrated the relationship between pressure and performance as what they called the inverted u-curve. Their discovery was quite simple, for certain tasks you need the right level of pressure or arousal to perform at your peak. I recall some exams that I’ve sat in the past where I was yawning and a little too relaxed beforehand. Not surprisingly, my performance was hindered because my mind wasn’t fully switched on. It would have been ideal to have a little bit of anxiety to ensure that I was alert and ready to put my brain to work. The opposite has been true before an athletics carnival as a kid. I remember been so wound-up about it because I wanted to be the under 13 years Athletics Champion that my body was shaking like a leaf before the 200-metre sprint, one of my best events. During the race, I felt like I had lead weights attached to my feet as I watched the other runners fly past me as if I was in slow motion. In both cases, I could not perform at my peak due to either too much or too little arousal. This is the same when it comes to delivering a clear and powerful message…too much emotion and you’ll come across as ferocious and your message will be lost. Too little emotion and your message will be received as bland or lackadaisical or simply just fizzle out. With the right amount of emotion the clarity of your message is enhanced to the point of being optimally forthright.
Fig 1. The relationship between clarity and emotion. When a message is charged with too much emotion it is perceived to be ferocious and you are far less likely to be heard. Too little emotion and you message fizzles out . An optimised message is forthright with the perfect balance of emotion behind it.
The optimal message
A few weeks ago, I wrote an article describing the approach of taking the fire out of your feedback by focussing on the Facts rather than the Interpretation, Reaction or the End in mind. This is a great approach but for some, it’s an opportunity to be robotic in their delivery (just focussing on the facts without any emotion) or creates a huge amount of tension for somebody who is trying to contain the eruption inside of them. While there is no perfect solution to delivering the optimal message, here are a couple of strategies that work.
Before jumping in headfirst, ask yourself “How do I want to be experienced?”. By stepping outside of yourself you instantly become more self-aware and are better able to determine if you are behaving in alignment with your intention.
Take a moment to evaluate your physiological state. If you’re all stressed and wired, your message will be drowned out by the corticosteroids coursing through your veins. If your body isn’t right, people will pick up on it straight away instantly raising the ‘red flag’. Do what you can to get centred and present so your message will be heard. There are a thousand things you could do such as- take a brisk walk, meditation, try to juggle three balls, strike a yoga pose etc.
The context plays an incredibly important role in how your message is delivered and received. A formal message may lose its impact if delivered on a park bench by the beach. Conversely, a heartfelt discussion may be lost amongst the formality of a company boardroom. Make sure that you put some thought into the environment and how it will influence the interpretation of your message.
The relationship you have with the person receiving the message is also a critical consideration. A family member will evoke a different emotion to a boss. Equally, a person that you don’t like will evoke a different emotion to a person that you really enjoy spending time with. Your message will always be influenced by the strength of the bond you share with the receiver, take a moment to reflect on how this is contributing to your emotional state.
Notice what you are telling yourself. Whatever you are telling yourself becomes a prelude to what happens next. Too often we invest so much energy in a preemptive determination of an outcome, which usually represents the outcome we don’t want. Instead, invest your energy in the outcome you do want to increase the likelihood of being heard.
As a final thought, I want you to press pause for a moment and acknowledge that if you are reading this, then you are human. We all experience those moments where everything gets a bit too much, we are overwhelmed by life’s challenges and we will inevitably lose our sh!t. Rather than beat yourself up about it, take the time to reflect on how people experienced you during your tirade. Notice how you felt in your body, recognise the impact it had on your relationships and consider the context you were in at the time it all blew up. Finally, identify what you were telling yourself before it all went pear-shaped. What you tell yourself is the secret that will unlock the mystery behind why you don’t feel heard. Solve this riddle and I guarantee you’ll be able to express yourself without losing your sh!t.
WANT HELP?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Do you 'Serve' or do you 'Save'?
When working in the human services - I’m talking about psychologists, Human resource professionals, counsellors, executive coaches, or social workers- there is a common thread that unifies them all in what they do; to be of service to others. While this sounds fulfilling, and it is, it’s often confused with ‘saving’ others and as you can imagine there is a huge difference.
When working in the human services - I’m talking about Psychologists, Human Resource professionals, Counsellors, Executive Coaches, or Social Workers- there is a common thread that unifies them all in what they do; to be of service to others. While this sounds fulfilling, and it is, it’s often confused with ‘saving’ others and as you can imagine there is a huge difference.
When I was studying my undergraduate psychology degree, I was interested in becoming a clinical psychologist. I was advised along with many of my fellow students to do some volunteer work for Lifeline Australia, a not for profit 24/7 suicide intervention telephone counselling service. I went through the training which was fantastic and still ranks as some of the best development I’ve received as a coach and Psychologist. About a year into my time as a telephone counsellor I started to question whether I was really making a difference. I was answering calls, supporting people but still didn’t feel like it was enough. One evening when I completed a shift, I was doing a debrief with the person that was due to take over and it happened to be the CEO of Lifeline at the time…yep, even the CEO put in the time to serve those in need. It was in the debrief with the CEO that I figured out what I was missing…I wasn’t aiming to serve people I was trying to save people. I’d shared my disillusionment with the CEO and he simply asked “Why are you here right now?” my answer “I want to help save lives…but I feel like I’m not having an impact”. I could tell by the way he looked at me that I was going about it all wrong. Unless I actually saved somebody’s life, I thought my contribution was negligible…..talk about setting myself up for failure!
The truth is, I see many people in leadership roles making the same mistake. Rather than seek to serve people, they are trying to save people which is where it all goes wrong. I speak with a lot of leaders and managers all of whom share a desire to develop people in their teams. Somewhere on the way, their desire to save everybody morphs into a yearning to help anybody which in turn leaves them serving nobody…least of all themselves. I call this the Everybody>Anybody>Nobody rule, and it’s the fastest way to burn yourself out.
Stop trying to save people and start serving
Have you ever heard the saying “You can’t save everybody”? Well, I hear it often and I like to rephrase it to “you can’t save anybody…that part’s up to them”. Of course, I’m not talking about Lifeguards, Doctors, or Paramedics because saving lives is what they get paid to do. I’m talking about well-meaning managers that are trying to make sure everybody is looked after or an HR professional that puts everybody else’s needs first. Ironically, the desire to ‘save’ others is a selfish act driven by a desire to be of value and recognised for such noteworthy contributions. It’s the narcissistic shadow in all of us that wants to be the one that ‘saved’ somebody. People tell me all the time that they want to be an executive coach or counsellor so they can experience those moments when somebody has an epiphany that turns their life around. While it sounds like a great reason to become a coach, it’s not realistic nor sustainable to think that it will occur in every conversation. Similarly, a leader would be a fool to think that they could successfully develop every person that ever works for them. Your role as a coach or leader is to serve those who you work with, which starts by understanding what they most need. How do you figure that out? Ask them! It’s as simple as asking “What do you most need right now?” While they may not always be articulate in their response, it’s a great act of service to help them get clarity.
Don’t be afraid to let them fail
As a parent of four, I’m all too aware of the desire to want my kids to succeed, to see them flourish, be happy and have confidence. While I know that the times in my life where I’ve experienced the most growth have been some of the toughest, I can’t help but steer my kids clear of oncoming obstacles to spare them of unnecessary challenge. Again, this represents a tendency to want to save rather than serve and it’s my desire to save them from failing that stops me from serving them as a supporting father. The same goes for coaches of individuals, managers of teams and CEOs of organisations. If you’re working hard to save people from themselves, then your not serving them as a leader….you need to let go of control and let them fail. There is no substitute for the feeling of something slip through your fingers. Sometimes allowing people to experience that feeling for themselves is the greatest way to serve them…and yourself.
They need to work harder than you
If you’re working harder on them than you are on yourself, there’s something wrong. Equally, if you’re working harder on them they they are on themselves, stop it right now. Your job as a parent, coach, manager or leader is to be there to love, support, serve and inspire. At no point should you be tearing your hair out with frustration at the lack of reciprocity you are receiving. If you find yourself in that situation, rather than continue to push the proverbial uphill, commit to having an honest conversation about what’s not working. Try not to say something like “I feel like you aren’t putting in the work” but rather try asking “What will it take for you to succeed right now?”. Hopefully the question triggers a valuable discussion to get them back on track. If you get an “I don’t know”….or “I’m not sure” that’s your cue to serve them, not save them, and sometimes that means giving them some breathing space to figure out what they need.
WANT HELP?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Unearthing Your Creative Intelligence
A couple of weeks ago I was a guest on James Barrow’s Podcast, the B-side, which is all about finding insights that help unlock your creative potential. We had a great chat covering a large variety of topics which really got me thinking about creative intelligence or the ability to go beyond what you know to create novel and interesting ideas. During the conversation, James asked me to share something that people don’t know about me. My first response was that I’m pretty open and tend to write about my experiences in my weekly blog so there wasn’t much that I hadn’t already shared. That’s when I remembered a whole chapter in my youth that I’d completely forgotten about, one that was all about creative intelligence and inspiration. If you’d like to listen to the whole episode you can find it here.
A couple of weeks ago I was a guest on James Barrow’s Podcast, the B-side, which is all about finding insights that help unlock your creative potential. We had a great chat covering a large variety of topics which really got me thinking about creative intelligence or the ability to go beyond what you know to create novel and interesting ideas. During the conversation, James asked me to share something that people don’t know about me. My first response was that I’m pretty open and tend to write about my experiences in my weekly blog so there wasn’t much that I hadn’t already shared. That’s when I remembered a whole chapter in my youth that I’d completely forgotten about, one that was all about creative intelligence and inspiration. If you’d like to listen to the whole episode you can find it here.
Here is what I shared…
When I was 17, I moved out of home into a share-house with some really intelligent and supportive people. Unfortunately, the change didn’t work out for me and before long I changed schools again and moved back home with my mum in Lismore for my final year at school. I found it difficult to stay focussed on my studies and lost continuity with my classes and fell behind. The only thing that I felt like I wasn’t falling behind in was Art. There was something about the creative process involved in art that fascinated me, I loved the spontaneity of it, the ability to see your own reflection and meaning in the work but most of all, it was a way I could express myself honestly at a time in my life when nothing came easy and I constantly felt frustrated.
Street art was particularly fascinating to me because it was generally done quickly and spontaneously, was usually large scale, and was incredibly unique to the artist. I want to take this moment to clarify that I don’t condone ‘tagging’ which is defacing of public property that you see everywhere that just looks messy and is illegal. I’m talking about brilliant artworks that are created by incredibly creative people in urban settings.
In 1999, a mate and I had an idea to do a mural in Lismore on a wall under the local bridge but wanted to do it legally. We went through an application process and had to pitch our idea to the Mayor at the time. To our surprise, we were granted funding to purchase paint and organise scaffolding so we could get to work on creating the first legal Graffiti mural in Lismore. While it was great, I still felt as though the mural we had created wasn’t spontaneous enough. I wanted to do something more….The Issue was we hadn’t gained approval for a second mural but as far as I was concerned, the wall was big enough for a bunch more murals so it wouldn’t hurt to have a bit more colour splashed around.
I’d decided on my idea and figured Sunday afternoon would be a good time to do it as it was unlikely that anybody would be around at that time. I got to work and let my creative self take over finishing the work within a 30min period. As I stood back to analyse my creation I heard a young woman’s voice call out to me…”Are you the guy that painted the mural?”. Feeling as though I’d been caught I said “yeah…that one” pointing toward the sponsored work that wasn’t yet finished. She was holding a camera and while pointing it at me said: “Do you mind if I take a couple of shots for the local newspaper?”. She took a couple of snaps in front of the wall then I didn’t think much of it. The next day, I was shocked when my mum pointed out a large colour photo of me in the newspaper standing in front of the mural that I’d painted hoping nobody would notice. How wrong I was!
Photo of me in 1999 standing in front of my freshly painted mural.
This is a front-on photo of the finished artwork. The blue writing spells change is if it were melting wax. At the time I was exploring change as the desired outcome as opposed to fear, or stagnant expression.
Technically, the artwork I’d created that Sunday afternoon was illegal but it didn’t matter, within weeks the wall was covered in artworks from numerous artists that now had an opportunity to express their creative intelligence without fear of repercussion. It became a catalyst for unleashing the creative potential for so many others and that’s what I love about honest, spontaneous, creative expression.
Why am I sharing this?
When James asked me to share something about myself that people wouldn’t already know, it jogged my memory about an important aspect of who I am. The art was one element of what was important but the other element was creating a platform for others to express themselves honestly. When I shared my artistic past with James he said: “I always knew there was something creative bubbling away under the surface with you”. I think it’s a shame that I suppressed this part of who I am but am thankful that James unearthed it for me during our chat. I reckon those parts of ourselves that we don’t share because they don’t quite fit with your audience, or they aren’t ‘professional’ are the best bits of us. They are reflective of who we ‘really’ are. It’s these aspects of us that create our identity and enable us to relate in powerful ways to one another. This to me is what creative intelligence is all about.
My Challenge to you
What’s the part of yourself that you’ve hidden away, forgotten about or lost touch with? I want you to take some time this week to reflect on your creative intelligence and what it is. What would it take to bring that back into your world? For me, I thought I’d killed my creative self off but it was less about the art for me and more about the facilitation of honest expression. I write regularly about the importance of expression in leadership and in life. Like I did all those years ago, I hope the questions I pose, the stories I share and the insights I have, all serve you to tap into your creative intelligence and start expressing yourself, fully, honestly, without fear of repercussion.
WANT HELP BUILDING TRUST IN YOUR TEAM?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Toxic Triangles: Why your team keeps failing
When the team was at its worst and I was contemplating my next step, a conversation I’d had with a mentor a few years earlier sprang to mind. I had been explaining to him my challenges with one of my colleagues which most likely sounded like me having a ‘bitch session’. I could see he was growing tired of the conversation so he cut me off by asking “Has this colleague of yours given you a license?”…I replied, “Ummm…sorry, not sure what you mean”. He then said, “The way you are speaking about them, it’s as if they’ve given you a license to talk shit about them”. Realising what he was getting at I said “Yeah…but I’m not sure they are willing to listen to some of my challenges…and it would just turn into an argument anyway”. He replied with “It doesn’t matter, unless you’ve earned your license by having the conversation with them first, bitching and talking crap about each other is toxic for the culture…you’ve got to cut it out”. I was taken aback, I’d never really considered myself to be the bitching type before, but he was right. For the next couple of days, I got really conscious of my behaviour and I noticed how many conversations I was having that I was ‘unlicensed’ to have. I felt terrible, I had unwittingly been part of creating a toxic culture. Having recalled that lesson, here I was again, caught up in a toxic culture where people were talking about each other, not to each other.
Like millions of people, I’ve been fully engaged in the Netflix series ‘The last dance’ featuring the golden years of the Chicago bulls with Jordan, Pippen and Rodman. I was particularly taken by Phil Jackson and his unorthodox coaching style, so much so that I’ve just finished reading his book ‘11 rings’ detailing how he led the Bulls and Lakers to six and five NBA championships respectively. There are so many great leadership principles that Phil references, most of which are based on Zen Buddhist practices. Above all, his efforts aim to create a winning team through moving them to what he calls a stage 5 team which represents “life is great” and the players are moving beyond playing to win but playing for the pure joy of the game.
The Triangle Offence
From a strategic perspective, Phil utilised the ‘Triangle offence’ as a powerful way for the team to score points in an unpredictable, creative and often improvised way. One of the challenges with implementing this strategy is that players often need to sacrifice their own ambition to be the best individual performer in favour of the team’s success. In other words, they need to play as a team, not as a group that are all aiming to get the ball to the best player on the team. When coaching extremely competitive and stupendously gifted players such as Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant, this was a significant challenge but Phil Jackson helped both players grow as leaders by trusting their teammates and being more selfless with the ball.
A great team
While I don’t pretend to be an expert in basketball strategy and was only a lukewarm fan at best, I love leadership, team effectiveness and culture so couldn’t help but make a connection with how Phil Jackson masterfully coaches teams to success and what great business leaders do. I cast my mind back to a team that I was working in that felt like (I can only imagine) the 1998 Chicago Bulls. Everything worked like clockwork, we were connected, we trusted one another, and we were really successful. Like any team, there was conflict but it was healthy conflict, the sort of conflict that you can have knowing that people won’t take it as a personal attack but see it as a commitment to the success of the team.
A horrible team
In contrast, I can also recall being on a team that had loads of individual talent and should have been extremely effective but failed to get results due to the absence of trust. In Patrick Lencioni’s ‘Five dysfunctions of a team’, he references the absence of trust as the foundation for the team to be able to achieve results. If the team doesn’t trust one another, everything else falls apart. In this particular team, the trust had eroded so much that team members were speaking poorly about one another to anyone that would listen. The worst perpetrator of the team was none other than the manager! It was clear that the manager had the best of intentions when speaking with the team. The idea was to build trust by bringing each of them into the ‘circle’ so to speak. For a moment, team members felt special (me included) when our manager pulled us aside to confide in us about all the gossip. However, this behaviour created a toxic environment fueled by secret squirrel conversations that served nobody and prevented the team from being effective.
Creating a toxic culture
When the team was at its worst and I was contemplating my next step, a conversation I’d had with a mentor a few years earlier sprang to mind. I had been explaining to him my challenges with one of my colleagues which most likely sounded like me having a ‘bitch session’. I could see he was growing tired of the conversation so he cut me off by asking “Has this colleague of yours given you a license?”…I replied, “Ummm…sorry, not sure what you mean”. He then said, “The way you are speaking about them, it’s as if they’ve given you a license to talk shit about them”. Realising what he was getting at I said “Yeah…but I’m not sure they are willing to listen to some of my challenges…and it would just turn into an argument anyway”. He replied with “It doesn’t matter, unless you’ve earned your license by having the conversation with them first, bitching and talking crap about each other is toxic for the culture…you’ve got to cut it out”. I was taken aback, I’d never really considered myself to be the bitching type before, but he was right. For the next couple of days, I got really conscious of my behaviour and I noticed how many conversations I was having that I was ‘unlicensed’ to have. I felt terrible, I had unwittingly been part of creating a toxic culture. Having recalled that lesson, here I was again, caught up in a toxic culture where people were talking about each other, not to each other.
No triangles
While Phil Jackson used the triangle offence to lead the team to success, I later learned of the ‘No triangles’ strategy to ensure you engage your team and build a high trust culture. It’s as simple and as elegant as the strategy used by Phil Jackson to win 11 championships but it takes hard work, discipline and a commitment from each team member to put aside their personal ambitions in favour of the team. In case you haven’t heard of the ‘No Triangles offence’ it’s really simple. If you’re going to say something about someone, you say it to their face. This goes for both positive and negative comments. Talking crap about people behind their back, using your 1:1 time with your manager to raise issues about another team member, spending time discussing a colleague with other members of your team….not OK.
Fig 1. Toxic Triangle in a team context
For example in fig 1. Employee 1 takes offence to something that employee 2 said to them following a team meeting. Rather than address this directly, employee 1 decides to raise it with their manager. The manager takes on the feedback from employee 1 and feels a responsibility to raise the issue with employee 2. Following the conversation with the manager, employee 2 feels misunderstood and betrayed by employee 1 which makes reconciliation even more difficult.
The number of times I’ve seen this ‘Toxic Triangle’ play out in the workforce is ridiculous and I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of Toxic Triangles too! The above example is just one way it can occur, there are many different examples of how this could play out within a team or organisation. However, there are two truths that always remain.
The toxic triangle is caused by people not speaking with each other directly.
Regardless of how skilled you are, it always ends in tears.
From Toxic to Trust triangles
To solve the problem, I’d like to suggest that we change the mantra from ‘No Triangles’ to ‘No Toxic Triangles’ and here’s why. Having been caught up in these triangles before, it’s really hard not to engage in social grooming, a basic human instinct that is hardwired into us (See Andrew O’Keeffe’s Hardwired Humans for more on this). However, I think it’s possible with the right sort of commitment to the system, that each team member can seek to create ‘Trust triangles’. The rules are really simple.
Fig 2. Trust Triangle in a team context
Using our previous example, we can see in Fig 2 that when employee 1 had an issue with employee 2, they addressed it with them on the spot. They still didn’t feel satisfied with the situation so they raised the issue with their manager. The manager then had a coaching conversation with employee 1 as to how they could seek to gain more resolve with employee 2. Employee 2 decided to raise the challenges with the manager who openly shared that they were aware of the issue and provided further coaching on how best to resolve their differences. Employee 1 and employee 2 had further discussion about their differences and what they will agree to do differently. Like the toxic triangle, there are two truths about the trust triangle that will always remain.
The trust triangle facilitates dialogue by speaking directly to one another, not about one another.
While conflict may occur and a resolution may not be possible, the trust will be reinforced through the system.
Using this simple and effective system, you too can aim to build strong engaged teams that are built on a foundation of high trust, open dialogue, and a willingness to have tough conversations. Are you in a toxic triangle right now? How could you facilitate dialogue that creates more direct communication that builds trust?
References
O’keeffe, A., (2011). HARDWIRED HUMANS. Australia: Roundtable Press.
Jackson, P., & Delehanty, H., (2014). Eleven Rings. LONDON: Penguin Random House UK.
Lencioni, P., (2002). The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A leadership Fable. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
WANT HELP BUILDING TRUST IN YOUR TEAM?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Taking the F'ire' out of your feedback
With such massive disruption to the normal flow of work, it’s likely that some of the less ‘urgent’ tasks have taken a back seat over the past few months while the world has been reeling with the spread of COVID-19 and subsequent economic fallout. One of these ‘non-urgent’ but ‘important’ tasks is providing feedback on performance, particularly when performance isn’t aligned with expectations.
With such massive disruption to the normal flow of work, it’s likely that some of the less ‘urgent’ tasks have taken a back seat over the past few months while the world has been reeling with the spread of COVID-19 and subsequent economic fallout. One of these ‘non-urgent’ but ‘important’ tasks is providing feedback on performance, particularly when performance isn’t aligned with expectations.
Delivering performance feedback is more art than science and as I’m sure you’ll agree…some people are better at art than others! However, to be an accomplished artist, first, you must learn the necessary skills of your craft before you can fully and freely express yourself. Herein lies the distinction between an amateur splashing some paint on the canvas and a master carefully building depth to the work, layer by layer.
Receiving the message
When it comes to tough messages, I’ve been on the receiving end of some very poorly delivered feedback but also had my fair share of feedback that was brilliantly expressed. The worst feedback session I ever experienced was so brutally and venomously delivered I had to instantly write it down so I didn’t have to hold the negativity in my head. I held onto that piece of paper for about 6 months and eventually ceremoniously burned it when that leader left the organisation. I won’t repeat what was shared as it was cruel, cutting and borderline psychopathic. However, underneath all of the emotion and toxicity with which it was transmitted, there was no beating around the bush, the overarching message was clear and it led to a change in behaviour….mainly avoidance….but change nonetheless.
In contrast, I’ve also experienced tough feedback about my performance that was delivered so beautifully that I felt empowered and inspired to lift my game. The honesty was so refreshing that, despite the message being difficult to hear, it enabled clear action to take place immediately. Upon reflection, both leaders that delivered the feedback were highly experienced and respected. They had undoubtedly delivered tough feedback thousands of times before so what made the first scenario so horrible and the second scenario so great? The emotional fire that was fueling the conversation.
Focus on the facts not the ‘ire’
In the book ‘Truth at work’, Mark Murphy details a model for delivering tough messages that takes the emotion out of the conversation to enable an honest and productive conversation to unfold. He uses the acronym F.I.R.E which spells out the following.
Facts - What happened? What is observable? If you watched back a video recording, what would you see?
Interpretations - What are you making it mean? What dots are you connecting?
Reactions - What is your response? What is happening emotionally and physically?
Ends - What is the outcome you/they want?
Mark explains that most of the messages we deliver or receive are sparsely made up of facts and overwhelmingly filled with ire, the result, of course, leads to a poorly delivered message which most likely leads to resistance or rejection from the receiver. Using the fire model, you can evaluate a message you plan on delivering to see if you can reduce the ‘heat’ by minimising the ‘ire’. Have a go and you’ll be surprised at just how much emotion is blocking your ability to see a different perspective.
What NOT to do
When delivering ‘truth’ filled messages, I’m a strong believer in making certain that you communicate a message that is direct and compassionate. There is nothing worse than someone starting a feedback session with “So this isn’t my opinion but others have said that….” Or even worse “people think that you…..” All this does is create resistance and aside from that ….it’s just plain gutless of the person delivering the message. Too often, I see people fall into the trap of giving feedback that is ‘what the receiver wants to hear’ or ‘what the receiver needs to hear’ or sometimes ‘the cold hard truth’. Having tested all of these, I can tell you that none of them works well.
What you CAN do
The most powerful message is one that aligns directly with ‘what you, as the deliverer of the message, need to share’. Having had clients test this model, they like it and agree with it….it’s just really hard to do. When it comes to the moment of delivering the feedback it can come out backwards or emotional and end up being a big mess. That’s where I reckon Mark Murphy is onto something with his fire model. Once you’ve formulated what it is you need to share with someone (an honest and compassionate message) test it out with the fire model to see how much of it is based on facts or is driven by ‘ire’ or emotion.
Time to lead
As much as delivering feedback on performance -especially when it’s poor- is a loathsome task, if you’re a manager or leader, you need to be a master of your craft. If there’s a single skill that differentiates a great manager and leader from the rest, I’d argue it’s their ability to deliver a tough message with finesse and integrity. The truth is, regardless of how good the performance of your team is, the need to deliver tough messages will always be there. This is as true for your high performers as it is for your low performers but none more so than for yourself.
References
Murphy, M. (2017). Truth At Work: The Science of Delivering Tough Messages. New York: McGraw Hill Professional.
WANT help crafting your messages?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Who needs coaching anyway?
The obvious answer to this question is everyone. However, there is a bit more to it than that. First and foremost, the coachee is taking on the role of a learner, and as with any type of learning you need to be up for it. When I was completing my Higher School Certificate (HSC), I recall how disengaged I was in my English class, reluctantly reading ‘Macbeth’ and ‘The Crucible’ in what felt like some sort of punishment. Ironically, once I completed my final exams I had a stack of books beside my bed that included ‘The catcher in the rye’, ‘Crime and punishment’, ‘In the skin of a lion’ ‘Doors of perception’ and ‘A clockwork orange’. Clearly, my choice in books following the HSC rules out avoiding a challenging read. The only thing that shifted is my mindset. Specifically, it was that I got to choose what I wanted to learn.
In my last article, I explored what coaching is and how it might benefit anyone that is curious. Following on from this, I wanted to explore the question of who might need it.
The obvious answer to this question is everyone. However, there is a bit more to it than that. First and foremost, the coachee is taking on the role of a learner, and as with any type of learning you need to be up for it. When I was completing my Higher School Certificate (HSC), I recall how disengaged I was in my English class, reluctantly reading ‘Macbeth’ and ‘The Crucible’ in what felt like some sort of punishment. Ironically, once I completed my final exams I had a stack of books beside my bed that included ‘The catcher in the rye’, ‘Crime and punishment’, ‘In the skin of a lion’ ‘Doors of perception’ and ‘A clockwork orange’. Clearly, my choice in books following the HSC rules out avoiding a challenging read. The only thing that shifted is my mindset. Specifically, it was that I got to choose what I wanted to learn.
Mindset Matters
When engaging with your coach, if you feel as though you are being given the ‘required reading’ it’s never going to work. You need to want to learn, engage, and be willing to experiment with your coach. I recently wrote an article entitled ‘How coachable are you?’ detailing the traits that I believe lead to a successful coaching experience when embodied by both coach and coachee. Above all else, coaching will be rewarding when grounded on openness, curiosity, and a willingness to learn. In addition, below is a list of common patterns of behaviour that I know can benefit from the value coaching has to offer. I’m not a big fan of labels, but it does help people identify and diagnose where they, or somebody they know, tends to fit. Have a look at the below descriptors and see if you can identify your patterns of behaviour.
Personality Matters
The Floater - This is somebody feeling disengaged with their work, their relationships and their life in general. They don’t feel like anything is wrong as such, but they lack purpose and conviction in what they do. They want more out of life but they’re also comfortable. Deep down they know they are missing out but struggle to conjure up the motivation to do anything about it. They often say to themselves ‘Is this it?….I expected more out of life’. With the right coach, they will re-connect with what energizes them and start contributing to their own life again.
The Self Saboteur - There are many and varied reasons why these people engage in self-sabotage, but they do. This can look like staying out late before an important meeting, presentation or interview, to speaking poorly about their friends or colleagues behind their backs. They actively jeopardise their personal relationships with risky behaviour, emotionally charged attacks and combative discussion. They know that they are ‘out of line’ but just aren’t sure how to control themselves. They often describe themselves as their own worst enemies and greatly benefit from the support and guidance offered by a coach.
The Imposter - They may or may not be suffering from what’s commonly known as ‘Imposter Syndrome’ but they definitely question their capability. They often find themselves asking ‘why me?’ if selected to lead an important project or take on a leadership role. Their humility works against them and tends to erode their confidence to the point that others take note. A coach will challenge them to lead more powerfully, doing away with any self-doubt.
The Know-it-all - These are the last people on the planet that will voluntarily seek out coaching. That is of course because they believe they have nothing to learn. They appear pompous, arrogant, aloof and are often very clever in a book smart sort of way. Vulnerability is like their Kryptonite. They don’t like being around people that show vulnerability and cringe at the idea of being vulnerable themselves. Their self-awareness is typically low so should they engage in coaching, it will likely be a challenging road ahead for both coach and coachee.
The Go-Getter - Highly ambitious, these people are keen to use any advantage they can get to ensure they hit their goals. They are open to being challenged, want to know the answers and are eager to test things out. They are usually conscientious, driven, hard-working and fast-paced. Their hunger to learn is a great match for coaching as is the perspective they will gain from a skilled coach.
The Mentor - Whether they have the formal role of mentor or not, these are the people always counselling others, giving their time and energy to everyone around them. They love their role as an adviser but often describe having low levels of energy, high levels of frustration and find it difficult to ask for help. They are often more senior and have high levels of experience so their positioning in the organisation and in life makes it hard for them to seek support. A coach is critical for these people to ensure they can continue to provide their leadership to others without suffering exhaustion or burnout.
Context Matters
It addition to the behaviour patterns above, there are circumstances created by the environment that coaching can help with too. These include:
Change in job/role/career - This might be someone new to leadership, someone, that has been made redundant, someone looking to change their career or level up in their role. It can also include a leader looking to re-orient their team, engage their workforce or enhance the culture. When facing such challenges, a coach can help overcome blockers and navigate through the choppy waters.
Personal challenges - As much as some people like to believe that they can keep personal and work life separate, they can’t. This is especially true when your personal life falls apart. For most people, talking about their terminally ill parents, kids struggling with sexual identity, messy break-ups, financial problems, and overall family drama is not something to raise in the Monday morning meeting. While I’d like to think that managers out there can handle these types of conversations, many of us can present evidence to suggest otherwise. Having a coach enables people to express their challenges without feeling judged and to openly discuss what support is available to them. The difference a single conversation can make to a person can mean the difference between life and death. Unfortunately, we have a long way to go as a society in remedying this challenge.
Relationship Conflict - This largely depends on the experience of the coach, but odds are your coach has exceptional communication skills and is, therefore, able to help resolve relationship challenges. This is different to a formal mediation process initiated by Human Resources (which is, of course, the right thing to do when complaints have been raised). I’m referring to the point before the conflict is escalated so there is still hope of working through any differences. This can be between individuals or even for a whole team but certainly depends on the capability and experience of the coach.
Performance issues - This one comes with a caveat that a coach should never be used to replace the role of a manager. If however, there are known performance issues and the employee has been placed on a clear performance improvement plan, coaching is a powerful way for the organisation to demonstrate a genuine desire for them to succeed. The assumption here is that the employee acknowledges and agrees there is an issue with their performance and are committed to doing everything it takes to lift their game.
High performance - Unfortunately, when people and teams demonstrate great performance in their role or on a project, they are usually ‘rewarded’ with extra work due to their competence. They can sometimes be pushed into a leadership role before they are ready, commonly known as the ‘Peter Principle’. They get pushed and pulled around the organisation feeling pressured to maintain their reputation, slowly becoming less engaged. Too often, they are overlooked as candidates for coaching because their numbers are good, their projects are on time, and ‘you already have a plan’ for them. As a coach, what’s great about working with high performing people is they are so driven to improve. Giving them a coach is like fanning the flames of their personal growth and development.
As you can gather, coaching can be applied to a variety of personality types across a myriad of situations. What remains consistent in successful coaching engagements is the mindset of openness, curiosity and willingness to learn. If you’ve taken one thing from this article, I hope it’s strong agreement that coaching matters.
WANT TO EXPERIENCE COACHING?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
What is coaching?
One of my colleagues once described coaching as "A conversation with yourself that you normally don't make time for". While I'm unsure of the source, I find it to be of the best descriptions in conveying the essence of what coaching is all about. Of course, many coaches take a more traditional 'instructional' approach to coaching which feels more like a parent barking orders at a child, or a manager telling employees what to do. While this works for some and will continue to have its place, it's not the type of coaching that I engage in.
For a moment, I'd like you to imagine being completely isolated and unable to speak with anyone. You are left with your thoughts, desires, regrets, aspirations, feelings, past failures and achievements. You have no contact with the outside world, no news, no TV, no books, no phone calls, just your thoughts accompanied by your voice inside your head, lonely and lost. After a period of isolation that feels a lot longer than it has been, you can take a walk in the park. Still, you have no contact with anybody, you are alone and quiet. As you walk through the meandering pathways, you notice the tall trees and the flame-coloured leaves falling in the Autumn breeze, feet crunching through the blanket of dry foliage already on the ground. You Notice a person sitting on a bench nearby on the other side of the park, smiling, eyes closed with their hands gently clasped over their belly, basking blissfully in the sun. You slowly approach then sit beside them hesitantly. After a few awkward moments, not knowing what to say, you shuffle in your seat, relax, then close your eyes and bask in the sun also. The warmth strokes your eyelids and feels so good, you feel safe, and at peace. You are no longer alone. When you open your eyes, the light is harsh, forcing you to squint. You glance at the seat beside you and see that they are gone "Not possible" you say to yourself "They were sitting right here beside me". You stand up hurriedly, elevated on your toes, you quickly scan the park to see where they have gone. You return to the bench, this time you slump, head in hands. While you are looking at the ground you notice the trail you left in the leaves, a clear impression made by your feet. You see no other trail or footprints, just yours. Then it suddenly dawns on you, it was you all along, you saw yourself, you sat with yourself, you enjoyed being with yourself, you led yourself, you were never alone.
I wrote the above short story in an attempt to convey the enigma of what coaching feels like, knowing that it feels a little different for everybody. It can be confusing, challenging, strange, heartwarming, enlightening, and empowering all at the same time. Above all else, coaching is unique to you. If you are willing and courageous enough to see yourself in everything that you do, you will grow. One of my colleagues once described coaching as "A conversation with yourself that you normally don't make time for". While I'm unsure of the source, I find it to be of the best descriptions in conveying the essence of what coaching is all about. Of course, many coaches take a more traditional 'instructional' approach to coaching which feels more like a parent barking orders at a child, or a manager telling employees what to do. While this works for some and will continue to have its place, it's not the type of coaching that I engage in.
I align with the philosophy of enabling people to be 'all of who they are' but first it requires 'meeting my clients where they are at'. I've recently been watching the Netflix series 'The Last Dance' which features the coaching relationship between Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson. Following his first NBA championship victory in 1991 with the Chicago Bulls, as Michael Jordan celebrates, Phil Jackson says "You did it the right way". Phil Jackson was the first coach that didn't want to give Michael Jordan the ball all the time. Understandably, Jordan was frustrated by this as he was the most talented player on the team. It took three years, but through Phil Jackson's coaching, Michael Jordan learned that by lifting the capability of his teammates and being selfless with the ball he enabled the team and his leadership to elevate. Indeed, the winning points were not scored by Michael Jordan but were scored off a pass he assisted, hence Phil Jackson's comment that "You did it the right way".
Now for the more formal definition. Coaching is a development process that involves the expert use of questions, discussion, clarification, activities, feedback and thought experiments to shift perspectives, find clarity and achieve outcomes. Coaching is typically conducted with two people, the coach and the learner, or otherwise known as the coachee. However, coaching can be done with multiple coachee's and in many cases, a coach works with an entire team. Coaching is a broad discipline and as such, anyone with expertise in their chosen field can be classified as a coach. You find coaches in Sports, the Arts (such as voice coaching, presentation skills, acting, body language etc., Business, Education, Politics, Health care, and Personal relationships (and I'm sure there are more that I haven't mentioned here).
While the application is vast, the common thread is the two-way exchange of dialogue that enables a coachee to improve or enhance their understanding, insight, capability and confidence in at least one domain of expertise. Take, for example, a young athlete that is showing early promise of becoming an Olympic runner, they will likely engage a coach to ensure that they continue to improve their skills to reach their maximum potential. Similarly, coaching can also be effective in supporting a student that is struggling with mathematics to improve their understanding so they can progress their studies. Equally, a coach may be deemed necessary in the business context to help a new manager succeed in handling the additional responsibilities thrust upon them in their leadership role. At the core of it, each of the coachees mentioned above is looking to improve. Whether that be from a baseline that is below or above average, they are all seeking support and guidance to enhance their capability. In other words, they are all seeking to become all of who they already are or reach their full potential.
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A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Are you running on Autopilot?
Disruption causes us to re-evaluate what’s most important, like a quarterly clean-out of the fridge. There is likely some bad food in there that’s causing the whole kitchen to stink. Taking everything out enables you to consciously determine what goes back in. That’s exactly what happened with my automatic credit card payments. I gave them a good clean-out and got rid of that ‘bad smells’ so to speak.
Mid last year, I noticed a few anomalies on my credit card statement so, with a quick call to the bank, I cancelled my card. Indeed, it turned out that I was the victim of some clever fraudsters trying to make inconsequential transactions on my card of small amounts like $26 with the detail section showing “Amazone” or “Netflixx” to make it seem legit. Given a subscribe to both services, I could have easily missed it. Once I’d gone ahead and cancelled my card I knew I had to go through the painstaking process of changing all of the automatic payments that I had set-up on the card. With all the best intentions in the world, I completely forgot about it.
Strangely, I didn’t hear anything from anyone in the first month. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my subconscious, I knew something was up but that’s when I started getting the communications. Services that I didn’t even know I was paying for, starting getting cut-off, subscriptions faulted, insurance companies ‘warned’ me of my impending doom! The most alarming thing to me was the sheer number of automatic payments that I’d accrued over the years. It turned out that the sudden disruption caused by some sneaky fraudsters was a total blessing. Their foul play alerted me to all the things I couldn’t see…the things were ticking away in the background unconsciously transacting, not delivering any value.
The beauty of disruption
Disruption causes us to re-evaluate what’s most important, like a quarterly clean-out of the fridge. There is likely some bad food in there that’s causing the whole kitchen to stink. Taking everything out enables you to consciously determine what goes back in. That’s exactly what happened with my automatic credit card payments. I gave them a good clean-out and got rid of that ‘bad smells’ so to speak.
The curse of habit
Habits are both our best friend and our worst enemy. In James Clear’s Atomic Habits, he describes a habit as behaviour that has been repeated enough times that it becomes automatic. The concept of not having to think about something is so incredibly seductive that when we are offered the automatic payment option, we jump at it. It ultimately appeals to our laziness which is easily justified by most people prescribing the ‘crazy busy’ label. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for learning about how to build great habits and break bad ones, I’m just a little concerned that our brains are so biased toward automaticity that it’s easier to just leave things on autopilot. This is particularly true when we hold beliefs about what we ‘should’ be doing or what ‘can’t’ be done.
Conscious vs Automatic processing
Something that I’ve learned following the whole credit card debacle is that not everything deserves to be in the automatic bucket, especially some of the smaller inconspicuous payments. Some of the bigger ticket items like a mortgage or car repayment certainly deserve to be processed automatically due to the value they create. I believe the danger lies in the many smaller ‘purchases’ we make that cumulatively, become quite costly. This doesn’t only apply to our direct debit payments but also behaviours that we perpetuate in our lives. Alcohol consumption, Smoking, diet, exercise, self-development, socialisation. All of them can play a part in our lives if we choose, my argument is to make sure you choose wisely before putting them in the automatic processing bucket.
Choosing wisely
Using the categories below, I want you to categorise all of the ‘things’ that you currently spend your time or your money on. Automatic ‘things’ can be payments, or time you spend with loved ones, or colleagues, or associates. Equally, what you deem as high value could be time by yourself or spending a huge amount of money on a luxurious holiday. It is up to you how to allocate where each of your ‘things’ fits.
Fig 1. Conscious vs Automatic Behaviour
Once you’ve completed the exercise, you’ll see a clear pattern concerning what you categorise as conscious vs automatic and what you see as high value vs low value. If you can see that there is one quadrant that seems a little bloated (it’s most likely going to be the Automatic Low-Value quadrant), then you know where you need to make some changes.
Don’t overthink this one, it’s not meant to be a mind-bender, but it is meant to be a quick and simple way to help you rebuild yourself and your life after some significant disruption. After all, we all have an opportunity to capitalise on the disruption we are currently facing and make conscious choices about how we rebuild our lives moving forward.
The war for attention: A challenge for future leaders
For decades organisations have been focussed on how to win the “War for talent”. This concept of attracting and retaining the best people for your organisation to beat the competition has been studied and written about extensively. Billions of dollars are invested by the largest organisations in the world every year to ensure they win this so-called “war”. Reason being, it’s hard to find talented people, and even harder to keep them. Before you tune-out and move onto the next story in your newsfeed let me hold your attention for a moment longer. If you want to win, stop focussing on trying to “win” new talent and start focussing on how you harness the attention of the talent you already have. A room full of highly talented people that are constantly distracted is far less productive than a room full of average people who are highly focussed.
For decades organisations have been focussed on how to win the “War for talent”. This concept of attracting and retaining the best people for your organisation to beat the competition has been studied and written about extensively. Billions of dollars are invested by the largest organisations in the world every year to ensure they win this so-called “war”. Reason being, it’s hard to find talented people, and even harder to keep them. Before you tune-out and move onto the next story in your newsfeed let me hold your attention for a moment longer. If you want to win, stop focussing on trying to “win” new talent and start focussing on how you harness the attention of the talent you already have. A room full of highly talented people that are constantly distracted is far less productive than a room full of average people who are highly focussed.
Talent vs Attention
When was the last time you recall being 100% focused on the task at hand for more than 15mins without letting your thoughts wander, your motivation wane or your frustration build? For many people, it may even be a challenge to recall the last time they spent more than 5 minutes focussing on a single task. If that’s you, then your talent is being hindered by your inability to focus your attention. In doing so, you’re not working toward your potential and denying yourself the opportunity to be happy, fulfilled and successful. When I think of attention it’s like holding a magnifying glass at an angle to catch the rays of the sun so they can concentrate intensely on a single point. When you get the angle just right, the heat becomes so focussed that it can cause wood and paper to spontaneously combust (or a few ants meet a gruesome and spectacularly fiery death). At the wrong angle, the magnifying glass does nothing to increase the intensity of the sun’s rays or worse, block the sun’s rays altogether and create a shadow! In many ways, the ability to focus your own attention is how you create a critical threshold for productivity, creativity and ultimately achieve results. The rays of the sun are reflective of talent, but without the magnifying glass focussing our attention, we can never fully generate enough energy to create fire.
Attention-deficit
We’ve all experienced having the best of intentions to finish off an important project or deliverable only to get side-tracked by a multitude of competing priorities and not follow through on what we started. Sadly, the competing priorities that steal our attention are usually our email inbox or notifications on our phone. I’ve asked thousands of people to consider what’s most important to them over the years and not one of them has ever answered with “email”, “social media” or “responding to my latest text messages”. Despite this, many people still gauge their productivity, value and effectiveness on how many emails they have in their inbox. About three years ago when I was still working in corporate, I had a colleague peer over my shoulder and make comment on how few emails I had in my inbox. I personally wasn’t phased by how few emails I received. I saw this as a sign that I was communicating clearly with my clients and meeting their expectations. It meant that I was spending more time sitting with my clients and doing what I do best, rather than spend time hunched in front of my laptop. My colleague’s interpretation was that my job was on the line and I should be feeling vulnerable. My response… “thanks for your concern. I don’t get paid to have an inbox crammed full of emails, most of which are not relevant to me.” With a smug tone, they made a prediction that I wouldn’t be there much longer. About three months later, that same employee was made redundant and I continued on in my role for another 6 months before jumping ship. The point here is, where your attention goes, your energy flows. Indeed, when your attention is so thinly spread, you start to suffer from an attention deficit. This colleague was so focussed on transactional emails and other menial tasks, their role was no longer of value. They had become irrelevant.
Attention first, talent second
The reason why your results aren’t reflective of your potential isn’t that you don’t have enough talent, it’s because your talent isn’t focussed. Just as you’re beginning to make some progress your attention is shifted onto the next distraction. This tendency to follow distraction is not new but let’s just agree that the explosion of social media and the prevalence of smartphones has made being distracted a whole lot easier than it used to be. What’s worse is that the most popular apps are those such as Instagram, Tik-Tok and Snapchat that predominately use short videos to capture your attention. What’s more, is that while our ability to sustain focussed attention is getting shorter, our time spent on social media apps is increasing. Don’t get me wrong, I love the benefits that social media have introduced to the world and fully support them moving forward. My real concern is how organisations are managing this “war for attention” which will only become more relevant in the coming years as generation Z and generation alpha kids start to form a larger percentage of our workforce. I don’t care how talented somebody is, if they aren’t able to hold their focus for more than a few minutes without checking their social media feeds or texting a friend, we have a problem.
Despite me being Gen Y (or Millenial if you prefer that terminology), my kids insist that I’m a “boomer” and I’m acutely aware that this article is likely to get a similar response. Please don’t misinterpret what I’m writing here as sledging social media. I’m not. I am, however, challenging you to think about how you sustain your own attention and consider how you might focus the attention of your team when it is filled with Gen Zs and Gen Alphas over the next decade.
How to focus your attention
Cal Newport discusses strategies to reduce distraction in his book “Deep work” which I highly recommend reading. There are many ways to focus your attention but one of the best ways I know is to engage in learning. When you are learning something new (particularly if you are interested in the topic/task) you become fully engrossed, leaving little room for faulty thinking, boredom, negative thoughts or self-doubt to creep in. Motivation is arguably the biggest hurdle when engaging in new learning which is why I make conscious learning a daily practice. As most of my clients know, I’m a juggler and have been practising for 25 years now. Every day, I spend time focussing my attention completely on finessing my skills and enhancing my ability to sustain my focus. There have been times in my life where my practice has fallen off the priority list, but each time I come back to it, I recognise how important the daily ritual is to align my body with my mind. As an executive coach, being able to focus my attention is a critical skill. Without this skill, I’d be unable to hold presence with my clients which is essential for them to be able to get present in our sessions. While it’s rather serendipitous that I discovered juggling at an early age, I maintain that it is the single best activity I have come across that simultaneously engages the mind and body in complex adaptive learning but also allows you to flex between that which is easy and that which is challenging. I also attribute my ability to remain calm under fire to my years of conscious practice with juggling[1]. Additional benefits include reduced stress, reduced anxiety, improved peripheral vision, improved co-ordination, and some studies have even shown and increase in both white and grey matter in the brain as a result of continued practice.
If you’d like to give it a go and learn for yourself, check out my youtube videos here which guide you through steps you need to take to learn how to juggle.
If juggling isn’t your thing, have a go anyway! If you are resisting it because you “don’t have time” or “you already know how” or you’re “not very co-ordinated”. These are all excuses that you are using to not learn. My advice, drop your ego and stop telling yourself bullshit stories that are preventing you from learning, improving and developing. Your ability to focus your attention, be in the moment and enable others to do the same will be what sets you apart as a future leader. Nobody is born with the ability to completely focus so it takes considerable practice. While it may be hard, the payoff is well worth it.
[1] If you’d like to learn more about the research on the many benefits of juggling please email me at: joe@joehart.com.au and I’d be happy to share my resources with you
What’s really derailing you?
Right now, you and most of your colleagues are reflecting on 2019 and planning for 2020. Some go through a rigorous process of mapping out the year, setting goals, and create a clear execution plan. Others like to be a little gentler on themselves and make a pact with themselves about what they are going to do differently so they don’t suffer the same sort of fate that 2019 served up. This planning can involve personal, work or a combination of both priorities. While I think whatever process you use is totally fine, and the idea of readying yourself for the year to come is also an excellent mindset too often I see people thrusting themselves into inevitable failure. How do I know? I’ve done it myself…repeatedly.
Right now, you and most of your colleagues are reflecting on 2019 and planning for 2020. Some go through a rigorous process of mapping out the year, setting goals, and create a clear execution plan. Others like to be a little gentler on themselves and make a pact with themselves about what they are going to do differently so they don’t suffer the same sort of fate that 2019 served up. This planning can involve personal, work or a combination of both priorities. While I think whatever process you use is totally fine, and the idea of readying yourself for the year to come is also an excellent mindset too often I see people thrusting themselves into inevitable failure. How do I know? I’ve done it myself…repeatedly.
For example, when I was at university, I had a tendency to spend a whole lot of time setting up structure and systems at the start of the first semester of the year to ensure that I was organised. I’d diligently study and do all my extra reading. By mid-term, my enthusiasm was waning, just when all of the important assignments were being issued. I’d put loads of work into researching and coming up with great ideas but didn’t like putting it all down on paper until it was ‘really good’. I’d rarely hand an assignment in late but would usually submit something that was more like a 2nd draft than a finished product. The result of all of this was usually a comment on my paper that it lacked polish and seemed incomplete. My pattern in this situation was to over-engineer the structure, research and content of my assignment. I feared to hand in a sub-standard paper that didn’t have any real substance or depth of thinking beneath it. When it came to finishing it off, I lacked clarity in my thinking and because I was exhausted my commitment to quality dropped off. The outcome was mediocre results, a credit at best.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know my pattern for at least a decade after I left university. Now, I approach assignments with much less structure or research in the beginning. I start conceptually and build it out from there. This enables me to be far more productive and less attached to one idea. I can easily pivot from one idea to the next because my focus is not to finesse my idea to perfection before I write anything. It’s more about blurting out everything onto paper and finessing it iteratively. The irony with this is my initial desire to be conscientious and quality focussed created a pattern of behaviour that caused the exact opposite. Often, what we think is the problem e.g procrastination, lack of structure, discipline, is not the issue at all. You need to look deeper than the obvious to identify the real pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving that is derailing you.
If you want to identify the underlying pattern that is hidden under the vale of well-intentioned action plans, lofty personal goals, and vague commitments to changing something read on
Warning! None of this will work if you aren’t really honest with yourself. At this point, I’m going to require you to stop the bullshit, quit pretending, and give yourself some tough love.
1) Name your Mindset: Don’t overthink this. Just give it a word such as Open, Curious, Excited, fixed, growth-oriented, never-give-up etc. For the example above regarding me at university, my mindset was best summed up at fear of failure. Remember this is not an exercise in determining what you want, it’s about identifying the pattern you carry. You may not like what you write down and that’s usually a good sign you are being honest. Awareness is what we are trying to achieve here so persevere with this task at hand
2) Know your interpretation: This one is a little trickier as it requires you to step outside yourself for a minute. I’ve previously written about perspective-taking in my article ‘ five perspectives’ if you want some more info on the topic. Ultimately, you need to see how you are interpreting what is happening around you. In relation to my university example, my interpretation was that I would fail if I didn’t have a really structured approach to my study, my assignments, my reading etc. My interpretation; structure and discipline necessary for success, both of which I felt I was incredibly deficient in. I could do it….but it was like pulling teeth, drained all of my energy, and wasn’t sustainable for the entire semester.
3) Evaluate your environment: When I speak of the environment, I am talking of both the physical and the emotional environments that you create. I would often study at home which offered certain amounts of freedom but was isolating and was easier to get distracted. Doing my work in the library or labs at university was much more focussed and efficient but usually my last choice (my interpretation of structure and discipline involved me isolating myself to avoid distraction). My emotional environment was a harsh landscape, made harsher by the self-inflicted ostracism. I’d punish myself with gruelling study sessions and force myself to relisten to lectures that I didn’t fully grasp. It was a begrudging exercise filled with resentment. This shroud of emotion was like a thick fog preventing me from seeing what was further than 10 metres in front of me. To put it bluntly, I was miserable….and I did it to myself.
Now that you’ve Named your Mindset, know your interpretation and evaluated your environment you need to understand how they are interacting to get to the story that’s driving your pattern. Here’s how you do it.
By downloading the worksheet or drawing your own, fill in the Mindset, Interpretation and Environment components. Now, your task is to name the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are created as a result of the overlapping elements. Below is my worked example based on my time at university.
Fig 1. Worked example- Pattern Recognition
Once you complete filling out each component, you’ll be able to pin it on the wall, step back and see your pattern more clearly. I like to draw a giant diagram on the wall using flip charts stuck together to give me more space. It also enables me to stand back and see the pattern on a large scale. Here’s where it all gets very interesting. If you superimpose the pattern that you identify onto other problems, scenarios and issues that you have in your life, you’ll most likely find that it’s applicable. This is a clue that you’ve correctly identified a recurring pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving. You can use this model to understand why your relationships aren’t working out, jobs keep disappointing you or life isn’t meeting your expectations.
My advice
Before you lock in your annual plan, make sure you understand the patterns that are driving your behaviour. If you don’t, you’re likely to be setting yourself up for a catastrophic and ironical failure. Just remember, how you think affects how you behave, and how you behave affects how you feel. As this cycle continues, it’s always your fault. If you find yourself looking for a silver bullet, someone to blame or an excuse to justify what happened, take a look in the mirror.
Do you know your pattern?
To know your own automatic, unconscious patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. To know your own pattern is to have what I call True perspective and it’s something you can’t achieve alone. To know your pattern is like having a map to a secret treasure that contains all the riches you’d ever need. Indeed, knowing your pattern is the greatest gift you’ll ever receive, should you be willing to receive it. Sometimes, we may think we are aware of our patterns where in fact, we are just observing the familiar outcomes associated with them. Below are a couple of frequently occurring examples of people focussing on the undesirable outcome, not the pattern that underpins how they got there.
If I was to ask you above all else, what’s the most important thing you want to know about yourself…what would you say? Take a moment right now to reflect on an answer. The truth is, most people don’t know how to answer this question and simply say “I don’t know”.
Having asked this question of hundreds of leaders I’ve observed that with a little bit of thought, it’s not hard to come up with an answer. Some of the most common answers people give are:
“to know if I’m leadership material”
“to know if I have what it takes”
“to know how people ‘really’ perceive me”
“to know why I react in certain ways to certain people or events”
“to know that I’m making a difference”
“to know that I’m not a complete idiot or waste of time”
The common thread linking the above answers is to know that which you yourself cannot see. To know your own automatic, unconscious patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. To know your own pattern is to have what I call True perspective and it’s something you can’t achieve alone. To know your pattern is like having a map to a secret treasure that contains all the riches you’d ever need. Indeed, knowing your pattern is the greatest gift you’ll ever receive, should you be willing to receive it. Sometimes, we may think we are aware of our patterns where in fact, we are just observing the familiar outcomes associated with them. Below are a couple of frequently occurring examples of people focussing on the undesirable outcome, not the pattern that underpins how they got there.
Example 1: The leader that believes that their team is not delivering to level that they expect. Their assumption is that they have the wrong people in the team. Their pattern, however, is to not clearly articulate what they expect from their team and each member within it. Without clear expectations, the staff become confused, misaligned, and reactive. Dysfunction follows, fears sets in, team members are let-go and the cycle continues when new people come on board.
Example 2: The team member that is overworked, doesn’t have any time for themselves and is constantly annoyed by the lack of support they receive from their colleagues. Their frustration builds up over time when they see their colleagues swan in and out of work without the same level of pressure they feel. Unable to contain their frustration they experience a ‘meltdown’ resulting in a sick day, serial ‘venting’ to their partner, a trusted colleague or worse, their boss. They assume that the problem is that other people are not taking their load of responsibility resulting in the pressure they feel. In reality, they are extremely poor delegators and fear to let go of projects. Their fear is due to a pattern of feeling undervalued so they combat this fear by taking on more work to demonstrate their capability.
Example 3: The executive that ‘knows’ what’s right for the business but nobody will listen to their solutions. Their assumption is that other people are not as smart as them so they are unable to comprehend their ideas. Believing that forcing their perspective will not be beneficial, they sit back, withdraw, and watch how things unfold. Unbeknownst to them, their pattern is one of acquiescence, the tendency to simply agree with things when in fact, they are in doubt. The enter all conversations with a bias of already ‘knowing’ the answer and if somebody challenges it through ideas, opinion or analysis, they simply withdraw. They exude superiority and hold concrete views about what is right rarely offering honesty in their discussions. As a result, their relationships remain transactional and shallow.
Whether you recognise any of these patterns in yourself or people you work with is beside the point. The point I’m making here is that our first stab at understanding what’s creating the issue, outcome or result that’s getting in our way is usually wrong. In order to get to the core of the issue and change, we need help in seeing the underlying patterns of our thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
Characteristics of a pattern
If you want to create lasting and sustainable change in your behaviour, you first need to understand the characteristics of a pattern.
According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, a pattern is defined as:
“a reliable sample of traits, acts, tendencies, or other observable characteristics of a person, group, or institution”
The Oxford online Learners Dictionary defines a pattern as:
“The regular way in which something happens or is done”
Both definitions apply to patterns of behaviour, sleeping patterns, consumer spending patterns, prevailing patterns of speech, relationship patterns and the list goes on. Having spent my whole life being part of a pattern, recognising patterns and responding to them, I’d say I’m somewhat of an expert. The good news is, so are you.
Something I’m particularly interested in is what our patterns can tell us about how we learn, especially when it comes to learning about ourselves. Self-awareness, having made an appearance in pretty much every model of leadership or emotional intelligence ever conceptualised, is arguably the most important characteristic we can ever develop. The challenge, as with most important things, we can’t do it in isolation. We need feedback on how we interpret what we are learning, the mindset we adopt before, during and after we learn but also the physical and emotional environment we create to frame our learning experience.
For those that know me or have worked with me before, you’ll know that I’m a juggler and have been doing it for more than 25 years. I’m still learning and constantly challenging myself with new juggling patterns that stretch my capabilities both physically and mentally. Over the last 25 years, I’ve distilled the core characteristics of patterns (fundamental to learning how to juggle) down to the following four keys. These keys can be applied to any behavioural change you are trying to make at work or in your personal life.
1) Patterns are infinite: In a standard juggling pattern, the balls all follow a continuous flow that resembles an infinity sign. As long as you keep throwing the balls with the correct trajectory and rhythm, you will be able to juggle indefinitely. Applying this to leadership, parenting or life, our patterns (both good and bad) will continue infinitely without intervention.
2) Patterns are changeable: Following on from the first pattern, while infinitely recurring, all patterns are changeable and malleable. Using Juggling as an example, the way in which you manipulate the balls through the air is only limited by your imagination, capability and physics. Everything we do, think and feel is changeable should we have the courage, desire and tenacity to change it. The brain itself is a map of all behaviours enabling us to speak, plan, move, see and hear. If a certain part of the brain is damaged, such as that which enables us to speak, we will struggle to communicate verbally. However, due to neuroplasticity, the brain is able to change the pattern associated with speaking and use other parts of the brain to complete that task. This is an extremely simplistic example, but indeed, if our brains are able to fundamentally change how neurons are connected and organised to complete complex tasks such as speaking, we can change any behaviour.
3) Patterns are learnable: If I was to place five balls in your hand and ask you to juggle them unless you’d previously learned how to do it, you wouldn’t know where to start. You may not even be able to imagine what juggling five balls even looks like, or that it’s even possible! If however, I taught you sequentially how to juggle one, two, and three balls you’d easily understand how to juggle five balls based on the patterns you’ve already learned. You’re applying the framework from a simpler task to a more difficult one. Knowing that patterns are both changeable and learnable should provide you with the confidence and knowledge to keep developing yourself.
4) Patterns are disguised: Our patterns are so natural, so seamless, so automatic that until we are made aware, they are disguised to us. It’s very difficult to lift the vale on our patterns without any external feedback from other people that know us. Even once we are made aware, without actively working on learning new patterns or changing existing ones, we will quickly revert to our well-practised patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. In this way, the disguise contributes to the infinite nature of our patterns. Similarly, we can wrongly attribute lost relationships, a breakdown in communication, poor performance at work, or a dysfunctional team to issues external to us, where in fact it is our own pattern creating all the issues, we just can’t see what is blindingly obvious to those around us.
For anyone wanting to test their co-ordination, stretch their brain and learn something new, check out my juggling tutorial on Youtube for some basic lessons to get you going.
Why should you understand your pattern?
When it comes to how you think, feel, and behave, your patterns are the single biggest influencing factor shaping everything you do. It, therefore, makes total sense why you should know your pattern so you can better interpret what happens, engage more effectively with your environment, and sustain a mindset that is positive and focussed.
We all know how important it is to focus on forming good habits, and I too follow this line of thinking. Having recently read James Clear’s Atomic Habits and Brendon Burchard’s High-performance Habits, it’s clear that our fascination with building good habits and breaking bad ones is here to stay. Here’s where I think it gets a little tricky. I may go through the process of establishing a really strong habit of going to the gym, which after 66 days has become part of my identity. I continue going to the gym and getting stronger, leaner, and fitter. If however, I have an overarching pattern of self-sabotage that is disguised to me, I’ll create these unconscious challenges that start to erode my ability to maintain my habit of going to the Gym. Some examples of these could be;
Creating a challenging relationship at work such that my performance is hindered, I will have to work extra hours to make up for it and don’t have time to train at the gym.
Allow myself to eat ‘whatever I want’ which has a negative impact on my health and physical performance making it difficult to keep training at the gym.
Keep pushing beyond my limits physically resulting in overtraining or injury, preventing me from training at all.
Focus all my emotional effort on everybody else’s issues (friends, family, partner etc.) leaving me with no time left to train. Because I was sacrificing myself for others people feel sorry for me and understand why I stopped training at the gym.
While these may or may not be entirely applicable to you, we all have patterns that we follow. These patterns are often invisible to us and therefore dominate how we respond, think about, reflect upon and engage with our environment. Habits are transactions where are patterns represent the bank balance. Some of our patterns are good, some are bad, and some are just plain ugly. Learning how to see them and doing something to change them is what makes all the difference.
How do I see my own pattern?
It’s not easy, and you may not like what you see, but the best way I know is to ask people (about 6-8 should be enough). It can be difficult to have the conversation directly with people so you might want to ask a coach or mentor to ask on your behalf. The questions that I use are:
What are my strengths?
What are my weaknesses?
How could I improve?
What can you offer me?
What do you need from me?
What do you most want me to know?
As a starting point, these questions will give you some great insight into what your patterns might be and how they are holding you back or thrusting you forward. I’ve used this same combination of questions to provide hundreds of leaders with “True Perspective” but sadly, there are many that don’t do anything with their newfound insight. The irony is those patterns that are so well disguised that it takes a monumental shift in perspective to reveal them when we finally do see them our usual response is outright rejection.
My final word
The reason why most of us can’t answer the question “What do you most want to know about yourself?” Is because we fear seeing ourselves the way the rest of the world sees us. The truth is, that which we most fear is usually what we need the most. As we close out 2019 and welcome in 2020, take a stand to have the courage to see your own pattern, take responsibility for it, and most importantly do something to change it.