The importance of Self Expression in Leadership and Life

If you’ve been following my blog or have worked with me at some point, you’ll be no stranger to my opinions on the importance of self-expression when it comes to living a fulfilled life. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on why I place so much importance on expression in my work, with my clients, and for myself. The answer…. because it’s what I believe we all most need to be effective.

Expression explained

When I speak of expression I wouldn’t blame you for conjuring up images of you telling your boss to get stuffed, having a massive argument with your in-laws, singing at the top of your voice while driving (out of tune if it’s me!) or delivering a speech at your wedding (with the aid of a little bit of booze). Rather, expression is the most honest form of communication you will ever take part in. When somebody fully expresses themselves, regardless of the activity they are engaged in, you can feel it.

A colleague once shared with me that he was a very high-level pianist and loved everything about playing the piano. He explained that when he was playing, it felt like he wasn’t in control of his body, as if he was watching himself play. He further described that it was an amazing feeling to be so connected to what you are doing that you can fully immerse yourself in the task and pour your heart and soul into the activity. People gave him feedback such as “you could feel the passion in your music” and “you played your heart out in that last piece”. In stark contrast, some of his fellow students with the same teacher were technically brilliant at playing the music, but they lacked any emotional connection. When they played, people were impressed but not moved.

In another example from one of my all-time hero’s Bruce Lee, he said during a television interview “Honestly expressing yourself...it is very difficult to do. I mean it is easy for me to put on a show and be cocky and be flooded with a cocky feeling and then feel like pretty cool...or I can make all kind of phony things, you see what I mean, blinded by it or I can show you some really fancy movement. But to express oneself honestly, not lying to oneself...now that, my friend, is very hard to do.” Watching any of Bruce Lee’s films or interviews, you can quickly see how he performed with such intensity and that his presence on set created a legacy that still burns bright today.

Countless other examples can be seen in artists, leaders, writers, speakers, actors, performers, and athletes. No doubt, at this point you can reflect on a similar experience. Perhaps you know what it feels like to be deeply immersed in an activity that you were able to transcend the task and deliver it with emotion? Surely you have experienced a wave of emotion after seeing someone deliver a brilliant performance, a heartfelt speech, or achieve a breakthrough sporting achievement?

My journey with expression

Dangerous comparisons

I grew up in a highly creative and expressive household. My dad, a professional clown, puppeteer, and musician was readily able to access emotion to communicate his message. I used to watch in awe as he was able to cast a spell over his audience. As a street performer, it was as if people were drawn to him the same way they might follow the scent of freshly cooked bread – comforting and irresistible all at the same time. Similarly, my eldest sister is a gifted musician, actress and dancer. Her ability to express what she was feeling through her craft was nothing short of miraculous. While I had an immense amount of pride (and still do) in my dad and sister for their creative genius, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit smaller when I was in their presence. My attempts to express myself seemed to be inadequate and didn’t quite generate the hype that they both received. In my teens I experimented with music, had a go a street performing, dancing, sculpture, visual arts and drama but never felt that my performances or creations were very good. At the time, I desperately wanted some feedback as to what I was doing wrong but lacked the courage to ask and in honesty would not have taken any constructive criticism very well. Deep down, I knew that that I wasn’t making people ‘feel’ anything I just didn’t know how to fix it.

‘Fixing’ the problem?

Feeling like a failure, I made a conscious decision to reinvent myself when I went to university…to be studious, conscientious, academic, but most of all…. stop ‘trying’ to be creative like my dad and sister. I failed dismally at the first three commitments but sadly managed to kill my creative self with resounding success and a multitude of unforeseen consequences.

I became a consultant and mastered the art of ‘professionalism’. Hiding my emotions, using data to drive my decisions, and advising clients using logic. It worked - I was good at my job - that is all. My identity became my job…. there was no emotion, no connection, just the safety of logic. I recall a time where a new friend had invited me out for drinks. He was quite a loud and obnoxious character and he said to me “loosen your tie mate…..what’s with the part in your hair?….relax!”. He didn’t know it, but I’d received the same sort of comment about three times that week already. I was so successful at not expressing myself that I’d become this boring consultant that wore dark suits, a tie, and didn’t know how to be natural.

One day when I was packing my stuff to move houses for the 3rd time in as many years, I opened a box that I’d been carting around for most of my life to inspect the contents. As I fanned through the pages of an art diary, I recognised my creative self in the ink drawings, self-portraits, and various abstract collages. All these years, I’d kept my expression locked away but didn’t want to let it go. I’d created a state of cognitive dissonance which was driving this unfulfilled state I was in. To put it bluntly, I’d been lying to myself about what was most important to me. As we all know, being lied to is not a nice feeling but it’s always coupled with an element of doubt – doubt that you might be wrong or misinterpreting the situation. When you lie to yourself, there is no doubt and that’s what makes it so damaging. Like the blind-spot in your side-mirror while driving, if you aren’t able to change your perspective by glancing over your shoulder you’ll end up having an accident and likely blame the other driver because you couldn’t see them.

The hidden consequences

At the end of another crazy long day, still in the office, I noticed a feeling in my throat. It felt tight…sort of like that lump in your throat you get when you’re about to cry. It lasted a couple of days then slowly went away, I didn’t think much of it. Over the course of the next few months it happened more frequently and was usually coupled with a bit of stress at work. Despite shifting jobs and having different roles this tightness in my throat would keep showing up. I’d all but given up until when sitting with a client in a coaching conversation, I heard my own advice. You see, my client had spoken about how they would become stressed in certain situations so I’d instructed them to describe where they ‘felt’ the stress in their body. They put their right hand on their throat and said “I feel this tightness in my throat...it’s like that feeling you get when you’re about to cry…you know what I mean?”. Alarmed at how accurately they had described what I felt I replied “Yes…I know exactly what you mean”. They went on to say… “It’s as though I’ve got  so much I want to say but I lock it all in, stop myself from saying what needs to be said”.  I mentally stumbled backwards…and there it was, I could finally see what was lurking in my blind spot. While I thought by stopping the pursuit of artistic expression, it would enable me to focus my attention on getting ‘smart’ and ‘knowledgeable’, and ‘successful’. Instead, I shut down all expression which turned me into a boring, frustrated, logic machine that didn’t know how to feel or express in any meaningful way. I felt like a dead man walking.

How to fully express yourself

I still consider myself a novice at this…which ironically is the answer to how you fully express yourself. The secret is to stay ‘empty’. The more content you put into your head, the more distracted you become. This distraction basically dilutes your honest, off-the-cuff, unfiltered expression.

One might think of this as an ability to become intensely focussed to the point where there is nothing else in your awareness at that moment. Like, for example, the stillness and calm you see when Roger Federer hits a backhand in slow-motion. Or the moment a child first finds there balance and takes their first couple of steps. After months of failure and persistence, when they least expect it, they effortlessly do what they previously couldn’t.

I could jot down some mindless points that describe the ‘3 steps to expressing yourself honestly’ or ‘7 strategies to become more open’ but this wouldn’t be of service to you. Instead, I challenge you with this.

Forget all that you know, all that you think you know, and everything you know that you don’t know. As if your brain is a cup filled with water to the brim…. pour it all out. Have the courage to start again and not know anything. In my first ever job interview when they closed with “do you have any questions for me?” not really knowing what to ask (being my first job interview and all) I asked, “what advice to you have for someone starting out in their career?”. The answer they gave has stuck with me forever – “Stay curious”.

At the time I thought I knew a lot, I had it all figured out. I’d created a world where everything made sense, so I didn’t have to experience the vulnerability of not knowing. Little did I know (that pun was totally unintentional) that wall of knowledge that I’d built brick by brick was the same barrier preventing me from expressing what was most important to me.

So, at this point, you might be kicking back on the sofa with the TV remote in hand, ready to ‘empty’ your mind and let go of all that you know. Unfortunately, that’s not what I mean. Like the years of practice Roger Federer devoted to his backhand or the thousands of failed attempts a child makes before they finally walk, you need to earn the right to let go of what you know otherwise, you’re just plain ignorant. Mastery of any kind requires deliberate practice (10 000 hours of it according to Malcolm Gladwell) but at some point, you transcend that practice and you’re able to express what you feel through what you do. This is true of anything…not just music or sport. Like pretty much everything in life, to fully express yourself you need to embrace the paradox of knowing so much that you don’t need to know anything at all. The aim here is to enable yourself to express yourself honestly in everything that you do. This is not simply going through the motions by replicating the moves, plucking the strings or delivering the correct sequence. Instead, it is letting go of safety, slapping your fear in the face and embracing the unknown.

Performance Management vs Performance Investment: The devil is in your intentions

The phone buzzed relentlessly to notify that a new message was awaiting. As if there was nothing else that mattered in the world on a Thursday night, Paul leapt to his phone with the eagerness of a highschool student awaiting communication from their first love. Despite his enthusiasm, Paul wasn’t expecting an important message, it was more of a distraction from the mind-numbing work he’d been doing.

The message read:

Sensing the urgency, Paul paused for a moment to consider why his manager would be texting him so urgently for a meeting. He then replied:

Paul had only been in the company for about 5 months and was finding his way around his role. He found the organisation quite challenging with very little development, a massive workload, a fairly disengaged team, and a manager who didn’t really seem to care. He wasn’t really happy with his decision to join the company but he wanted to give it a shot and not give up on the organisation too early. Besides, it took a lot of effort to shift jobs and Paul had left a great manager and team for the prospect of a bigger brand, higher pay, and more responsibility.

The meeting

Paul met with his manager in a small windowless meeting room with fluorescent lights so bright and airconditioning so cold, he felt like he was in a hospital ward. His manager seemed tense. Paul knew this meeting was not going to be good.

Feeling shellshocked, Paul left the meeting room feeling confused. Words that his manager had used like ‘disappointed’, ‘commitment’, ‘performance’, and ‘proactivity’ were all jumbled up in his head. The message was that Paul needed to lift his performance as his manager had been disappointed with the results; he needed to show a bit more proactivity and commitment. It was then followed up with, “we’re here to support you to be successful”. Paul knew his probation was due to finish up in exactly four weeks. Blinded by his emotions, Paul agreed to ‘lift his game’ while suppressing the noise his guts were making as they churned with fear.

The problem for Paul was, the decision was already made. His manager had no intention of keeping him and urgently called the meeting to later justify the course of action to the Human Resources department. Paul had also grown very accustomed to ignoring his guts when they started to churn with fear….a practice that prevented Paul from seeing what was really happening around him.

The real intention

Sadly, like Paul, many people experience very similar situations where they join a new company full of hope and expectation to soon find themselves staring longingly into the rear vision mirror that was their old job. It’s not that their old job was better or even good, it’s that the performance management conversations endured with an ill-equipped manager guided by a dehumanised organisation are humiliating. While it would be easy to lay blame on the manager, or the organisation, that is not the intention of this article. Given so many people I have worked with over the years have experienced a similar situation I wanted to provide an alternative view on how to generate the best outcomes for both employers and employees, without all the noises from guts churning with fear.

Performance Management vs Performance Investment

As a standard practice, most organisations are well acquainted with the annual performance review which often carries no benefit beyond HR meeting their KPIs. If the organisation is ‘progressive’ and has the capacity, they may even conduct a talent review to determine the true performance of their employees in relation to their potential. In recent years, organisations such as Accenture and Deloitte have radically revamped their performance management process in favour of ongoing regular performance conversations, reliable performance measurement, and strong investment in development for employees. Early indicators are demonstrating the increase in employee engagement and productivity as a result not to mention the massive amount of time that is no longer wasted by leaders gaining consensus on employee performance behind closed doors. In a 2015 HBR article, a study conducted on Deloitte employees suggested as many as 2 million hours a year were spent on the employee evaluation process of all 65 000 employees.  None of this is surprising if you consider the data presented in Gallup’s State of the Global Workplace report, suggesting that 85% of the world’s employees are either actively disengaged or not engaged.

Rather than focus on evaluating employees to understand their performance and whether they have potential, I’d like to suggest that organisations evaluate how much they have invested in their employees to maximise their performance. Assuming that you’ve made a decent hire, how much time have you invested in that employee? What sort of opportunities have you given them to grow, develop, and expand? Is their performance a reflection of their capability or the amount of time you have spent with them?

Below is a decision matrix that you can use to quickly classify how your team fits and more importantly, indicates what you can do improve.

High Growth (Engaged + Productive)- These are high performers that are responding to the investment you are making in their development. They are engaged and productive employees. Sadly, there are only about 15% of employees globally that fit into this category so when you get them there, the trick is to keep them there.

Flight Risk (Not Sustainable)- They are your high performers but the discontent is usually written all over their face. They have the capability and like to demonstrate what they can do. Unfortunately, you can’t provide them with the development they are seeking. Without providing them with an opportunity to stretch themselves, you’ll lose this talent.

Poor Fit (Wrong role/company)- For many reasons, people end up in the wrong role and sometimes in a company that just doesn’t gel with them. You’ve invested in their development but somehow, they just aren’t performing. Go back to your selection process and make sure you have a good process in place to support who you are bringing in. Often, the recruiters that sourced your employees are doing such a great job at selling the role that they might be inadvertently setting unrealistic expectations. Sometimes, despite a great process, things still don’t work. In my experience, the majority of performance issues fall into this category. Try changing the person’s role first but if that still isn’t an option, initiate an honest conversation about organisational fit and support them to move on.

Neglected (Helpless + Stuck)- For these poor souls, they’ve never really been given a fighting chance. The philosophical debate of the chicken coming before the egg springs to mind here….did you not invest because of their poor performance? Or did their poor performance stem from a lack of investment? Regardless, the right thing to do is to provide them with an opportunity to feel valued and supported. It’s amazing what a little bit of encouragement can do for someone’s productivity. Even if their performance doesn’t improve, you’ll be able to help them find their next role knowing you gave them a shot.

Where to from here?

For all four quadrants, while there are differences in how to manage employees that reside within them, the solution for all is the same; invest!

For my entire career, I’ve been listening to justifications about why 360-degree assessments don’t work or how engagement survey data is wrong, or why employees are too entitled. The truth is quite simple. If you take the time to invest in your employees by encouraging them to expand, learn, grow, and develop, they will perform. If you hold them accountable, give them responsibility, and let them fall, they will perform. If you treat them with respect, empower them, trust them, and have good intentions, they will perform.

The next time you are on either side of a conversation like Paul was at the beginning of this article, see if you can decipher the intention that sits beneath the words.

For managers- challenge the investment you have put into the employee. Ask yourself if you really are willing to invest in their success and develop their capability. Can you see yourself cheering for them on the sideline like a doting parent….all while you know they will never be the best player on the team? If the answer is no, then your falling back on a process to help you terminate an employee i.e you have bad intentions. My advice, rise to the challenge of having a tough conversation and be a manager. That’s what you get paid for.

For employees- listen to your gut….if it’s churning with fear it’s probably responding to what’s happening around you, while your judgement is clouded by emotion. Hanging on to a role to prove a point, save your pride, or dodge adversity simply doesn’t work. When faced with bad intentions, simply walk in the other direction.

My final thought for the day….before embarking on a 360 review or performance management process, reflect on your real intentions that lurk beneath the surface. If your intentions are bad the tools you utilise will also turn bad. These tools are designed to elevate and support employees not trip them up.

The 5 Laws Governing your Leadership Legacy

I’d like you to imagine that you’re in a hospital surrounded by medical professionals, machines beeping, people rushing about, and a heaviness is surrounding everybody. You feel it too as you know that you must make a choice. The doctors have so professionally outlined all the pros and cons associated with either choice you make but the final decision lies with you…and you alone. You’re feeling a little bit angry at the situation, it’s not fair that this decision rests squarely on your shoulders….is it? You feel cornered like you’re being pressured into making the wrong decision…will you? You wish somebody else could just tell you what you need to do…. don’t you?

14 years ago, I was facing such a choice. My wife was pregnant with our first child who was due to be born in about two and a half months. Everything had been going so smoothly that I kept having to remind myself that she was pregnant. That all changed when things got complicated. During a routine check-up, our doctor recognised that things weren’t quite right. Our son was at risk of being born a couple of months early so my wife was hospitalised and put on bed rest. We were given a flying tour of the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU) where all the premature babies were cared for. I had a hard lump in my throat as we were being ‘inducted’ knowing that I would soon be joining the other sleep-deprived parents staring at their babies longingly; their view obscured by the Perspex walls of the humid-i-crib and the bunch of tubes and wires that represent an artificial umbilical cord. I was numb, I couldn’t really feel anything.

The ‘big’ day

She’d been on bed rest for two weeks now so I’d convinced myself that the baby would be born normally and we wouldn’t need to be in the NICU. That morning, I got a call from the hospital that the baby was coming….the lump in my throat hardened. Upon arrival, I did my best to reassure my wife that everything was going to be ok. That’s when the doctor mentioned some of the other problems. The baby’s position wasn’t normal (he was bum first) so a natural birth would be difficult. We could choose surgery but that also came with its risks for my wife and our baby. Overwhelmed with emotion, my wife wanted me to make the decision.

My choice

I chose a natural birth option. This was potentially the riskiest for both mother and baby but also the best option if they both made it through. Given the complex situation, we had 6 doctors in the room. I felt so small, helpless and insignificant. I was only 24 years old and the lump in my throat was so tight now, I could barely speak. The next few hours were a slow-motion blur resulting in my son being born naturally. The nurses quickly jumped into action as he wasn’t breathing, and his heart had stopped. Feeling the relief of giving birth my wife looked over at me for reassurance that he was ok. That moment stood still…..what was likely only 10 seconds felt like hours. Not knowing how to respond to my wife’s gaze, I looked on as the doctors and nurses were trying to revive our son. My wife squeezed my hand and asked ”is he ok”? It was at that moment that I heard what sounded like a gurgling noise that was reminiscent of a scene from Jurassic park. For the first time in two weeks the lump in my throat had softened…I could finally speak unhindered “He’s going to be fine”….I said.

Leadership Legacy

Leadership is about showing up in a way that represents who you are. Legacy is about defining how you are remembered. Having worked with thousands of people in their pursuit of being great leaders I’ve seen the very best and the very worst of Leadership Legacy. As highlighted by my own experience with my wife and first son, how you show up in difficult situations defines how you will be remembered. There is no ‘right’ or ‘known’ path for great leadership but we all know it when we see it. A great piece of research outlined by Gallup references the ‘four needs of followers’ by simply asking a group of 10 000 managers to describe the traits of a leader that has had a significant positive impact on their life. The results of their study showed four common themes that emerged. Great leaders were characterised by Trust, Hope, Stability and Compassion. While great leaders make mistakes all the time, we tend not to remember them for what they got wrong, but more so for all of what they did right. How do great leaders create such a positive experience for those around them?

The Five laws

Through my own work coaching leaders, I’ve observed some universal truths that guide the actions of those that are aligned with their leadership legacy. Below is a brief summary of these universal truths that can be used as guiding principles for those that want to accelerate their own development and more fully live in alignment with their legacy.

Law 1 | Listen with depth – Great leaders are brilliant listeners not just of the words being said but also to that which is unsaid. The ability to truly listen requires more than just your ears. As Malcom Gladwell wrote in his book ‘Blink’, your ability to process micro-expressions, be aware of your own biases, and draw conclusions under extreme pressure all happens within the blink of an eye. Oscar Trimboli’s fantastic book ‘Deep listening’ expertly guides us through the different levels of listening starting with self then moving through to meaning. Oscar also reminds us of the need to be mindful of your shadow or unconscious listening behaviours which prevent you from listening deeply.

Law 2 | Learn with endless vigour – We all intuitively know that when we are learning we have more energy, feel motivated, engaged, and connected. We also know that sometimes learning can feel hard, especially when you reach a plateau. Great leaders relentlessly commit to their learning which takes humility. While having an outcome focussed mindset is great for kicking goals, we tend to focus less on the process of learning if we are too focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. In my own practice of juggling, yoga and martial-arts I am continually reminded that there is no end goal. Being present and connected to daily practice is indeed the intention. Some days you are strong, while on other days things just don’t click. This is also a part of the learning process which requires consistency, dedication, persistence, and discipline. In the pursuit of mastering an ability, we learn how to master ourselves. Self-mastery is self-leadership.

Law 3 | Liberate yourself and others – Almost all of what prevents us from achieving that which we most desire exists solely in our own head. Great leaders can separate their past experiences from the meaning they attach to them. It’s not what happens to you that matters, it’s what you make it mean that causes all your suffering. Being able to transcend your past, and let go of your hang-ups will give you the freedom to truly lead. Doing this for yourself provides you with the capacity to liberate others. Keep in mind that this is not a one-trick pony. We are constantly wired to interpret what happens to us in a way that is meaningful and makes sense. The sooner you realise that this is how we have evolved to feel safe and in control but won’t help you succeed, the better. To grow and lead, you must embrace your fear and the inherent meaninglessness associated with your experiences.

Law 4 | Link people, concepts, and experiences– To quote Paul Kelly “From little things big things grow”. My interpretation,  our thoughts represent where we choose to focus our attention, which drives our behaviour, which creates outcomes. The thousands of thoughts driving our behaviour and outcomes everyday form our identity. Who we hang out with, what we choose to do in our spare time, the TV we watch, the partners we choose, the work we do, the products we buy, all represent ripples on a pond. The pond being the universe and a thought represents a pebble tossed into the calm water. The more pebbles we toss the more ripples that form. When the ripple caused by my pebble collides with yours, we start to see how complex and messy things can get. Great leaders recognise that all things are linked. Knowing the far-reaching nature of these connections arms leaders with the wisdom to act with integrity. A pebble thrown with accuracy will cause a ripple effect that’s both beautiful, intentional, and knows no bounds.

Law 5 | Love with courage – As Steven Covey wrote in his book ‘The seven habits of highly effective leaders’ love is what you do and who you are being, not what you are feeling. If you no longer feel in love with your work, your partner, or your life. It’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself about what you are doing. By this I mean, how are you showing up in your relationship, to work, or in life? Are you always late? Ask yourself if this represents the actions of someone who loves their team, their partner, their friends or their family? Are your actions aligned with love? Or perhaps you drink too much alcohol? Ask yourself, is this what love looks like to you? Do you get angry with your kids and dominate them by yelling and screaming when they misbehave? Ask yourself, are your actions reflecting love? I know it’s hard and most of us get it wrong most of the time but it takes courage and vulnerability to behave in alignment with love. You might call this gratitude, acceptance, courage, expression, vulnerability, connection etc. Whatever you call them, they are all rolled into behaviours aligned with love. Great leaders are able to love knowing that they will get hurt, knowing that there is no other way to truly be.

Closing thoughts

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sharing these laws with you to ‘tell’ you what to do. I wrote this article off the back of the most common question I get from people when I’m coaching them. They ask “What do great leaders do?” or if they are honest “Do you think I have what it takes to be a great leader?”. The 5 laws come from great leaders that I’ve worked with, my own self-exploration, and through understanding the research of others. The laws represent what great leaders do. To answer everybody’s question – Do you have what it takes? Absolutely. If your willingness to love outweighs your fear of being hurt, you will succeed. Like my experience throughout my first son’s birth sometimes the best leadership comes in the form of knowing when not to speak or intervene. It takes leadership to accept that you don’t know what the outcome will eventually be and to trust the natural process by standing back to watch everything unfold.  One final thought; your leadership legacy is not governed by your title nor your authority, it is determined by your ability to lead with love.

Computer Game Addiction: How are we supporting our kids?

It was mid-afternoon and I was about to step into a meeting when my phone rang. I noticed it was my eldest son calling so decided to answer it. He was upset, crying in fact. There was a bunch of screaming happening in the background which made it hard to decipher what he was saying. I cottoned on that there had been an argument revolving around the Xbox, a boring recurrence in a family home filled with devices, wifi, and computer game addicts. I could feel my frustration building as my previous threats to get rid of the Xbox altogether had obviously failed. I told the kids to avoid each other until I got home so we could sort out the issue. Later, I arrived home and was immediately greeted at the front door by my eldest son. I caught a glimpse of my second son’s heels as he retreated to the back yard to avoid any confrontation. As it turns out, the boys had been playing games all day and couldn’t suppress their frustrations any longer. They got physically violent with each other resulting in a TV remote being thrown point-blank at the other one’s head! Fortunately, my eldest son ducked to avoid getting hit and consequently, the TV remote smashed straight through the window.

Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident in my family and what’s worse, pretty much every parent that has young kids that play the computer game ‘Fortnite’ describe similar fights, outbursts, fits of rage, and generally inappropriate behaviour. I’ve had countless conversations with other parents that feel at a loss, heartbroken, almost driven to insanity, and like they are failing as parents. To be brutally honest, I’ve felt the same way many times but recently had a breakthrough. I think you’ll find the solution both interesting and surprising, whether you have kids addicted to games or not.

The breakthrough

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that I was in Canberra recently for a soccer tournament where I learned all about leadership and winning while watching my son from the sidelines. As it happens, while I was away for the week our subscription to Xbox live gold (games like Fortnite require it) expired. I received a call from my son mid-week appealing for me to renew it which I declined. I said I’d renew it once I got back to Sydney and that it would be good to have a break from gaming for a few days. When I returned home, I was surprised how calm the vibe in the house was. My wife seemed like she was coping unusually well for the 2nd week of the winter school holidays. The kids also seemed to be connecting differently in how they spoke with one another (for 8, 10, 12 and 13-year-old kids, this is remarkable at the best of times). I could see that they were connecting as people again. In speaking with my wife, I learned that they had been playing games just as much as usual. They peppered the days with outdoor activities, a trip to the movies, hanging out with mates etc. On the surface of it all, the only thing that had changed was their access to Fortnite. Like most people, I assumed that the game was evil and the cause of all our problems. While this shift in behaviour was a breakthrough, my conclusion was wrong.

The problem

There’s no doubt that my kids were (and possibly still are) completed addicted to Fortnite. In fact, the parallels between their behaviour when gaming and that of a drug addict are scary. After playing the game for a few hours, it’s like their brain goes into some sort of hyperstimulated frenzy, their eyes go glassy, and they become enraged at the smallest things. They are physically violent, emotionally unstable, and extremely nasty to one another. Following a very short period of consideration, I let the boys know that I wouldn’t be renewing the subscription to Xbox live gold so they would no longer be able to play Fortnite. I explained that the change in their behaviour was so pronounced since they’d had a break from it that I didn’t want them to play it anymore. I braced myself for the backlash….but to my surprise, it never came. One of my sons simply said “Fair enough”. My youngest son, arguably the most addicted, added: “I don’t want to play it anymore”. It was at that moment that I recognised what was going on. I removed the torment from their lives. They no longer had access to their ‘fix’ as I had blocked it from their consciousness. It was no longer on their mind because they knew it wasn’t available to them. They still play games, but the uncontrollable rage, physical violence, verbal abuse has all stopped. Drawing a comparison with drugs, Fortnite is like Methamphetamine (commonly known as ice) whereas the other games they are playing are more like drinking a coffee or having a glass of wine. Yes, they are still classified as drugs and can cause harm to your body and wellbeing but on a much tamer scale. Asking kids to stop playing Fortnite is like covering yourself in fish blood, treading water in the open ocean and thinking you won’t get attacked by a shark. Sharks are insatiable creatures, always on the move and always feeding. Once you put blood in the water, they hunt it down to feed. I’d turned my kids into a school of insatiable sharks trapped in a perpetual feeding frenzy, tormented, violent, and empty.

The solution

On the surface of it, the solution appears to be gaming restriction or at least restriction of certain games. While that will have an impact on behaviour it will be a short-term solution. The truth is, it’s not really about restricting access to Fortnite. Fortnite was the ‘substance’ that was being abused…the ‘drug of choice’ if you will. I won’t deny that it’s a pretty powerful drug at that, and if the desire to get a ‘hit’ is powerful enough, there’s nothing that will stop a junkie from getting their fix. If we are all completely honest with ourselves, we have all suffered from at least one form of addiction at some point in our lives. Regardless of the substance, the process of addiction works in the same way. Whether it’s food, alcohol, sex, cigarettes, risk-taking, stealing, physical exercise, self-harm, work, etc. We can literally become addicted to anything (Check out the TV show 'My strange addiction' for some bizzare examples). What’s more interesting to me is what precedes the addiction? How did you get to the point of needing to engage in self-destructive behaviour? More importantly, in the case of our kids, what do we need to do to enable our kids to tackle the challenges of addiction in a world that is feeding our instinctual desire for an instant reward, quick fixes, and doing what’s ‘easy’?

In speaking with my kids about their behaviour regarding Fortnite. They all acknowledged that it was totally unacceptable. They also recognised that playing the game, while fun, didn’t make them feel good. They didn’t have the words to articulate what they were feeling but I certainly sensed their insatiability and frustration with never being able to achieve fulfilment.

To support you with your own challenges either as a parent working through game addiction with your kids or an addiction you are facing yourself, there are two incredibly important factors central to any addiction.

1) Do you have a clear sense of purpose?

2) Do you feel supported?

These two questions can help you identify your level of risk and more importantly, what you can do to break it or reduce the likelihood of developing an addiction. Below is a model summarising the interaction between purpose and support.

What do I mean by purpose?

Much of my work has revolved around purpose being a motivational force that is intrinsically linked to your core values. While this is true, for kids, it’s a pretty difficult conversation to have. It’s all a bit heavy for a 12-year old that’s more concerned about what’s on the menu for lunch rather than discussing their guiding principles with a parent. For a kid or anyone that’s struggling with purpose, it’s simply your reason to do something. We go to school to get educated, eat to stay energised, drink water to hydrate, practice to improve etc. At times, getting too existential can become overwhelming to the point of feeling like you don’t have a purpose…or your purpose isn’t meaningful enough. A great way to strip things back is to try to live like somebody who has no purpose. If you’re not exactly sure what that means or feels like, imagine every time you want to do something a voice in your head says ‘why to bother’ or ‘what’s the point’. Purposelessness is a dark, cold and quite a scary place for someone to be. After experimenting in the ‘dark’ for a bit you’ll very quickly recognise that you’re probably a bit higher on the purpose scale than you first thought. As outlined by the model, purpose alone isn’t enough. We need support in order to translate our purpose into expansive growth.

What do I mean by support?

Support is a lot more straightforward to explain than purpose. It simply means that you know you have the love and support of someone who cares for you. The only complexity here is that you need to feel that you are loved and supported. There are many people that indeed have lots of friends and family that love them, but they never recognised this love. They didn’t hear it, see it or feel it. Love and support can be subtle in how they are expressed but when felt, immensely powerful. The lack of love and support equally powerful and the fastest way to throw someone into the pit of despair. Somebody highly achievement-oriented is likely to feel empty when they aren’t acknowledging the love and support they have around them. What’s worse, if you couple this with a lack of purpose, they are at serious risk of engaging in behaviour that leads to addiction.

Balancing purpose with support

Having a high amount of purpose with high love and support is the ultimate. This opens the doors to be expansive, growth-oriented and challenged to be more whole in yourself.

When support is high, but purpose is low, we tend to feel like things are a bit easy. We are static in our development and bask in the ease of living without challenge. We look to our relationships to bring us purpose but be warned, your co-dependence could cause a big shock if the relationship ceases.  

High purpose without love and support is the university student studying to be a doctor because that’s what their parents want them to do. A huge amount of purpose is driving their behaviour but every time they kick another goal or over-achieve, they experience the inevitable anti-climax. They feel empty and unfulfilled. This drives them to work harder in perpetual pursuit of the love and support that they don’t have…. a futile quest that ends in burnout.

Low purpose coupled with low love and support is outright dangerous. If cornered by this psychological double-edged sword, immediate help is the only option.

What about kids and computer games….how do I deal with that?

Coming back to my kids and their computer game addiction, the problem wasn’t the games, it was the fact that they were a little lost before they started playing. I love my kids with all my heart, and I’d like to think they each have independent personalities with high drive and purpose. However, in those moments when you are feeling a little down because things haven’t gone your way or your parents may have lost their temper with you, it’s easy to lose purpose and feel as though you aren’t loved or supported. Kids can be extreme in their feelings of purpose, love and support, going from the highs to the absolute lows in a couple of minutes. It’s in those moments that we need to be aware of how we show up as parents. The exact moment when you really couldn’t be bothered dealing with another argument, so you give in to games…. that is when you need to step-up. For me, stepping up looked like taking access to Fortnite away. Interestingly, my kids all felt that as an act of love and support because it extinguished their inability to be satisfied. To any parent out there right now struggling with computer game addiction in their household, ask yourself honestly, do your kids recognise how much you love and support them? If the answer is yes, they will follow your lead. No drug addict deeply entwined in their addiction will willingly give up their stash without a fight. However, those that emerge from the deceptive embrace of their drug will thank you indefinitely for your intervention.

It’s not at all about winning…but it’s all about winning : The paradox of life

“It’s been a rough week,” said one of the other dads standing on the sideline pre-match, thermos in hand at the ready. I gave him a wry smile followed by a confirmatory nod, acknowledging that I too was weary from the five back to back losses our boys had experienced over the preceding three days. Not only that, we’d been battling the bitter cold dished up by Canberra mornings; frost, biting wind, and a little bit of drizzle for extra misery. You see, our boys’ team was firmly lodged at the bottom of the ladder in the soccer tournament, about to play their last match against an undefeated team secured at the top of the ladder. With heavy hearts, everyone was expecting another loss.

The pressure of expectation

Earlier in the week, the boys started out strong, winning their first match comprehensively. In some ways, this set them up for the expectation that they could do very well in the tournament. In contrast, their second match was an absolute disaster, outclassed in pretty much every way. They got crushed with a 6-0 defeat. Following on from that first day the losing streak was maintained. There was a predictable amount of controversy both on an off the field. Some questionable calls by the referee (who appeared to be barely 14 years old) were heavily influenced by the intimidating shouts coming from parents that value soccer more than life itself. Their screams resembling the snarls and growls of an angry dog, foaming at the mouth, ready to attack. Despite the rule of ‘silence on the sidelines’ there were some that couldn’t help it, their desire to win was too great even though they weren’t the ones playing the game.

The dangers of watching from the sideline

We’d all been looking forward to the tournament, knowing that the boys had worked hard to be there. We secretly expected them to do well….and held a desire to see them at least get through to the semi-finals…After all, it was entirely possible? After the jubilation of the first win, you could feel the excitement of the parents lift momentarily before the almost audible ‘thud’ following the first crushing defeat. On the surface, we all say to each other “it’s all about the boys having fun….” or “As long as they do their best and learn something, it will all be worth it”. In reality, what we want to say to each other is “It would be awesome to go home with the cup in hand our boys victors in the tournament” or “I’d love for my boy to experience the joy of being in a team that has what it takes to win against the toughest competition”. What became evident by the end of the week is that the parents were more invested in the team winning than the players were. The challenge with this position is that none of us was able to influence that which we were so invested in. We were powerless, confined to simply watch, support, observe, and stay silent. Victims of our own frustration.

The power of ‘showing up’

The boys are a group of talented young players. They train a couple of times a week and they are all good mates. They take their sport seriously and all have a deep seeded aspiration to become a great soccer player one day. They are however only 10 years old and having fun seems to be the most popular item on the menu. What’s refreshing is that even with the crushing defeats, the boys would get over it quickly. They didn’t dwell on the bad calls, the angry parents on the sidelines, the bullies on the other teams. They kept getting back up and dusting themselves off. Of course, they each had their moments where they were upset with their performance, made mistakes, and felt like they could have done better but they were persistent. They were playing to win but if they lost, the game wasn’t over for them. It’s almost as if they knew they were playing a bigger game of growth and development that was beyond the scope of the tournament.

The outcome

So, here we are, the final match that EVERYONE expects our boys to lose. I’d even had a work call scheduled for the first half so wouldn’t have to endure the assault but, as it often happens, my call was rescheduled. I was locked into watching the entire game. As they were warming up, another this other dad and I noted while sipping on our hot tea fresh from the thermos, that the boys seemed unusually vocal. They were talking to each other a lot. The chatter was positive and constant which created a vibe around the team. Their body language was ‘up’, they seemed confident…not about winning but about how they were going to play their game. Just before they ran onto the field, I grabbed my son’s attention and said “hey mate, what’s the plan”. He said, “We’re going to play to win and have fun”. What unfolded next was nothing short of glorious. The boys played their best game yet. It was a tight tussle which ended with a victory to our boys who managed to defeat the undefeated. What started as a melancholic conversation about the week that had been, ended with every parent giving each other high fives. As one of the parents, I know how tempting it is to remedy any situation with the cliché of “it’s not about winning…it’s about having fun”. Reality speaks a different language and that sounds more like “losing feels crap, especially if you know you can do better”. The trick is to keep playing to win even when you’ve been on a massive losing streak. While their campaign was over and the opposing team still progressed through to the semi-finals, they were later beaten in the semi’s and denied a place in the final that I’m sure they had their minds set on.

Leadership lessons from the sideline

Just in case you got caught up in the ‘story’ of it all, I thought it would be helpful to summarise some of the leadership lessons that spending a week with hopeful parents and a group of competitive 10-year-old boys has taught me.

1.       Expectations are poison – The best movie I ever saw was the one that I didn’t plan to see. I had no idea about the genre and the title gave nothing away so when I watched the film I was totally engaged, in-the-moment and enthralled. The opposite can be said of the worst movie I ever saw, the hype and expectations were so great that the movie couldn’t deliver. Similarly, when we have our heart set on an outcome such as a sporting event, academic achievement, relationship, job offer etc. We are living in a fantasy, one that is not grounded in the present moment. Don’t get me wrong, we need to set clear expectations at work to get results but when you find yourself drifting into the realm of fantasy, pull back, you’re ironically setting yourself up for a remarkable fall from grace.

2.       Is it about you…or them? – This is a tough one because nobody likes to admit that they have an ego and everyone likes to think that they put the needs of others before their own. The truth is, altruism is rare, and some would argue doesn’t really exist. I could tell myself that sacrificing a week of my time was all in the best interest of my son and his aspiration to be a soccer star but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I like watching him play soccer, I like watching the team succeed and deep down I feel part of that success which strokes my ego. At work, this can be seen often when teams or individuals are awarded recognition for outstanding achievement. Whether it’s the manager’s intention or not, it’s impossible not to connect oneself with the success of the team or individual. Like the parents cheering (or snarling) from the sideline, it’s a combination of wanting what’s best for the team and what’s best for you. Once you understand that you are indeed selfishly invested (at least a bit) you’ll be able to reconcile some of the anxiety or stress you feel when things aren’t quite going according to plan.

3.       Keep ‘showing up’ – Like much of life the ability to keep showing up is 90% of the battle. If we decide to stay in bed at the first hint of a challenge, we will likely never make it past the challenges of kindergarten. Regardless of how tough it is, how “it won’t make a difference” or “it’s hopeless”. The power of simply showing up and having a go carries more weight than anything else. Many people go through the motions, but this is not showing up. ‘Showing up’ can be defined as being present both physically and mentally to fully engage with the task at hand. The temptation to give up is strong especially when things aren’t going your way. It is in those moments that the truth about who you are and what you are capable of is revealed.  

4.       It’s not about winning, but it’s all about winning – Political correctness says that I should encourage my son to play for fun and not push him to be competitive. On this point, I fundamentally disagree and proudly admit that I encourage my son to play to win but make sure that he’s having fun in the process. I know he loves soccer and works hard to develop himself. I think it’s brilliant that at such a young age the boys all demonstrated a relentless commitment to their development as individuals in a team that wants to win. It’s that spirit, courage and tenacity that will enable all of them to succeed. In business, if you don’t win your customers’ hearts and minds, you lose. It’s tough, cold, relentless but in the real world, nobody is going to soften the blow for you. The balance is right when you’re doing something that you love, that matters, that’s worth fighting for but you also have fun with it.

5.       It’s all in your head – There are countless examples of people achieving extraordinary things that reinforce the same point. What your mind wants, your body will deliver and what your body delivers your mind wants. In other words, by thinking you create desire and by doing you gain satisfaction. If it’s combat-sports, extreme strength, cold exposure, wealth accrual, scientific breakthroughs, artistic expression, or motivational leadership; If people had used logical reasoning to achieve their goals, they would have quit long before their breakthrough. Possibilities will always remain unknown to you, that is until you do the impossible.

The moral of the story?

If you want to live a fulfilled life, behave like a bunch of 10-year-olds playing soccer in a competitive tournament. You’ll have your moments of glory, setbacks, mistakes, unfair calls, injuries, a bunch of tears and a whole lot of disappointment. Always play to win, but make sure you also play to have fun. If you’re feeling a bunch of pressure from some onlookers from the sideline ‘supporting’ you, don’t play for them, they are there for themselves as much as they are there for you. Play your own game

The Universe is a Dick!

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go perfectly wrong? It’s as if it doesn’t matter what you do, it feels like someone or something is conspiring against you…. like you’re being punished for something that you’ve done. About ten years ago, I got a phone call from one of my clients who was in a tough spot and he really needed to talk. He shared the following. He’d moved interstate to follow his heart, took a job offer which fell through, got evicted from his rental property and got a call from his mother to tell him that his father was on his deathbed. He booked a plane ticket home so he could go visit his father in hospital but before he got on the plane, his girlfriend…the one he followed his heart for letting him know she was no longer in love with him and had been seeing another man. Lost for words at the sheer volume of unfortunate events that had coincided I waited for him to break the silence. He simply said, “the universe is a dick”. On this point, at the time, I couldn’t disagree with him or offer any form of wisdom to counter it…so I readily adopted the phrase.

For a while, it sort of worked to shrug things off. It was a throw-away line that introduced some humour but also helped externalise what was going on. More recently, however, I’ve become increasingly aware of how framing your experience as the ‘will of the universe’ diminishes your own sense of responsibility and accountability. In other words, if I personify the universe as this entity that controls everything that happens to me, I’m very much at the mercy of the universe and any effort spent by me is therefore fruitless. In psychology, Julian Rotter called this having an external locus of control. If a person has an external locus of control, they tend to attribute the outcome to factors beyond their influence, such as the universe or god or somebody else’s fault. In contrast, those that have an internal locus of control tend to take ownership of the outcomes attributing their success or failure to their own actions. There is a body of research that suggests people with an external locus of control are happier in general because they hold a belief that there is something ‘bigger’ at play behind the fortunate and unfortunate events that transpire in their life. It’s a convenient answer to the problem that every single human being faces at some point or another, why do I exist? what does it all mean? and what am I hear to do? While I can’t answer the questions for you, I can indeed offer a perspective that might contribute to where you eventually decide to land.

The brain’s role

Indeed, what differentiates humans from other species in the animal kingdom is our consciousness and intelligence. What underpins our apparent advantage is the constant curiosity about the world and what it all means. From Darwin’s origin of species to Einstein’s theory of relativity, our brains arm us with this incredible curiosity to make it all make sense. My perspective; this insatiable need to explain every aspect of our world is the cause for much of the emptiness that people feel in modern society.

Shit happens whether you are in the driver’s seat or not. It’s what you make it mean that gets in the way. Horrible things happen to awesome people every single day...does it mean that the universe is ‘against’ them? Were they not a good person in a past life? Are they being punished for their bad behaviour? Is it bad Karma for treating others with disrespect?

The same could be said of someone who achieves greatness in the sporting arena, they can often be seen with arms outstretched looking to the skies offering their thanks to a power greater than themselves. They have attributed a portion of their success to the universe, their god or a higher being that they believe is in control of ‘the master plan’.

What’s really going on?

Take a gambler, for example, they may sit for hours on end at a poker machine anticipating the moment that they will become a winner. They create a ‘system’ for recognising patterns that they swear by. When they do have a win, it confirms their belief….we know this as the gambler’s fallacy. In fact, the gambler is suffering from a form of cognitive bias which lures the gambler into believing that their chances of winning are much higher than probability suggests. While many of us aren’t suffering from a gambling problem, the phenomenon Apophenia is another form of cognitive bias that can help explain why we need to make things ‘mean’ something. Apophenia is the human tendency to make connections between things that are otherwise unrelated. We’ve all experienced what’s commonly known as Murphy’s law or Sod’s law. This is the belief that if something is going to go wrong, it will. In fact, there is no scientific basis to explain this phenomenon other than how our brains draw connections between otherwise unrelated events.

Why do we do this?

In every culture, ancient and modern, the need to make sense of our world has been documented in myth. Joseph Campbell’s brilliant work details the patterns associated with how humans choose to document their existence over time. He mapped this common thread to articulate what we now know to be the ‘Hero’s Journey’. This pattern of storytelling is so strongly imprinted in the human psyche that movies such as Star Wars, The Matrix and Lord of the Rings can all attribute their box office success in part to Joseph Campbell’s work. In addition to our comfort with well-crafted stories, the degree to which you feel in control over outcomes or events in your life i.e. locus of control is a significant factor.

What’s the bottom line?

In my experience, when horrible things happen to me or somebody that I love, there is an overwhelming need to declare it as unfair. Feeling ripped off or hard done by is part of being human, but it really isn’t helpful. Having helped many people work through various challenges, the sooner somebody can get to the point of objectively observing what happens without judgement or the need to explain it or justify it, the better. As cold and detached as it sounds, people die, bad things happen but life goes on. If you attach meaning to what happens, you’ll spend the rest of your life in a washing machine of emotional turmoil.

How can I stop giving things meaning?

Once people recognise what’s going on, I feel it’s important to provide a practical way to help manage the challenge that comes with the insight that life is somewhat meaningless. A great technique I use is to recall an event as though it is a movie that you can pause, rewind, fast-forward or put in slow motion as desired. The trick here is to ensure that you watch the movie as though you were a critic, being as objective as possible. In doing this, you note exactly what was said (not what you thought was said), exactly what happened (not what you think happened). While this sounds easy, you’ll likely struggle to disentangle your tendency to hear what you want to hear, see what you want to see and recall events in a way that supports your conclusions. If you can just watch the ‘movie’ play out and press pause when needed, you’ll find you can take things as they are, rather than extrapolate meaning.

My insight

While I still experience the ups and downs that come with life, I no longer personify the universe by labelling it as a dick. I don’t believe that there is an almighty being writing the script that will be my life, nor that the universe is conspiring to help me achieve my purpose. The only dick featured in my past was me….not wanting to take responsibility for my own actions, accountability for my choices and choosing to blame others (or the universe) when bad things transpire. The insight experienced by the storytellers on the TV series ‘I shouldn’t be alive’ is remarkably similar for everyone, despite them having very different stories to tell. They all say they have gratitude for being alive, being able to smile, to laugh, to be with those that they love and have the freedom to make choices. There is rarely a reason or explanation behind why things happen, stop wasting your time trying to figure it all out and simply live.

Emotions trump talent and purpose: Like a kite without a string

My Story

It was windy, very windy, the perfect day to fly a kite. I was about 12 years old and the proud owner of a stunt kite…you know the triangular shaped ones that do loops and spins once you’ve learned how to master them. Well, given the wind was blowing I thought I’d take my kite for a spin but not just as it was, I wanted to see how high it could go so I craftily enhanced it by tying an extra 200metres of 30-pound fishing line onto the existing string. This was going to be good! I appealed to a couple of mates to come to join me but to no avail. I didn’t care…the excitement of flying my stunt kite in near gale forced winds with an extra 200 metres of line propelled me to my destination.

My heart was beating with anticipation, the wind so strong now that I had to lean into it unnaturally to remain upright. I set flight and my kite took off angrily, bucking and pulling like a wild brumby. The wind was so strong I quickly let all the string out and reached the fishing line that I had tied on for extra height. The kite was so high now I could hardly see it and the tension on the line was so extreme the line was making sounds resembling an out of tune banjo being plucked.

I was now struggling to hold onto the plastic reel that housed the fishing line and began to lose my grip. I quickly looked around my feet and picked up a stick that I could put through the reel enabling me to let more line out and give my hands a break. The line screamed as the reel whizzed with frightening acceleration. I looked up to glimpse at my kite which was merely a dot in the sky and that’s when it happened. The whizzing sound was interrupted with a loud crack. I slowly looked down and saw that the plastic reel had shattered, a large shard had stabbed straight through the webbing in my left hand between my thumb and index finger.

In shock I sprinted home clutching my left wrist, trying not to look at the wound as it rhythmically showered my feet with spurts of blood, ever-quickening as the tempo of my heart raced. Once I got home, I raised the alarm to my mum who was trying to remain calm but to me, felt like a severe case of apathy. Like it couldn’t get any worse, I remember the agonisingly slow and sheepish way my mum uttered the words “I can’t remember where I put my keys”.  The rest of the story is predictable…. mum found keys… arrive at hospital… remove plastic from hand… insert stitches…contemplate a few hard lessons to carry me forward.

My Insight

Later that afternoon once I’d been stitched up and got back home, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the kite. My curiosity getting the better of me, I walked back to the offending location hoping that the jagged reel had gotten caught on a tree or bush. No such luck, that kite had set sail…never to be seen again. Whenever I hear someone say “like a kite without a string”…I look down at my left hand and massage the painful scar tissue that remains. What happened that day is the perfect demonstration of how heightened emotions can override the application of talent and purpose to one’s detriment. Let me explain….

When coaching my clients I focus on 3 areas; Strengths focus (understanding one's strengths and knowing how to effectively apply them), Alignment with purpose (articulating ones purpose and remaining aligned to it) and emotional regulation (the ability to remain present and not succumb to the temptation of what one believes vs what is real). Regardless of how well attuned you are to your strengths or how well aligned you are with your purpose, if you can’t manage your emotions, you’re in trouble. That day, my purpose was clear- I wanted to fly a kite as high as it could go. I leveraged my strengths of curiosity, resourcefulness and independence to follow through on my desire. My emotional state, on the other hand, was not at all in check. I knew it was dangerous and could feel it to the core of my gut. I was a little shaky with anticipation due to the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I was rushing, not thinking, over-riding my cautious conscience. Indeed, my emotions were trumping my purpose and strengths, but I couldn’t help it. My emotions were fuelling my action which in turn fanned the flames of my uneasy emotional state. My logical brain had been hijacked in pursuit of instant gratification.

While I was only 12, developmental psychology tells us that it’s at this stage that we start to form our logical reasoning (See Jean Piaget’s theory of cognitive development). So my excuses for being young and foolish are generally accepted but don’t reflect the truth that I know.

When I’m coaching people about challenges and issues, it’s almost unanimously due to them not being able to get present to and regulate their emotions. Like my 12-year-old self, they get seductively drawn into behaviours that reward them at that moment but generally lead to an outcome that is undesirable. Unfortunately for me, my hand came off second best but many people say and do things they regret when their emotions have hijacked their ability to think and reason. The result for them? regret, guilt, loss of control, anger, anxiety, helplessness etc.

My advice

Next time you get that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach stop what you’re doing. Take a moment to focus on your breath to re-centre yourself and activate your parasympathetic nervous system. It’s at this point that you can make a conscious choice about what you do next without feeling like you’re navigating rapids on a river without a paddle. The best way to ensure that you don’t end up like a kite without a string lost forever to the gale forced winds of mother nature; regulate your emotions. For many of you…..you’re saying “that’s easier said than done…especially when you’re in the heat of the moment”. I agree, but other than aspiring to achieve personal mastery through a relentless commitment to self-development, we stagnate, re-iterate and keep repeating the same behavioural patterns. The patterns and tendencies we all face will continue to be there, it’s our ability to recognise the internal cues (that feeling in your gut, or the shakiness in your body) to help us arrest the pattern of behaviour before it’s too late. It’s not easy, it takes discipline and it’s always necessary. It may sound exhausting but when someone is feeling like a kite without a string they’ll do anything to have someone grab the end and start winding them back to earth...that is of course if they’re not already lost forever.

The cliché of poor communication

If you ask someone if they are a good driver, most people will indicate that they are above average. This is also true for intelligence, leadership, and even communication. This phenomenon is known as the Dunning-Krueger effect. Basically, most of us have an inflated sense of our capability regarding pretty much everything we do. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule (of course you are thinking you are one of them) but mostly, it’s true. What’s even scarier is that those of us that are most incompetent overestimate our abilities to a greater extent.

In business, communication is an exceptionally important part of our day-to-day. Without effective communication our relationships deteriorate, our productivity is hindered and our undesirable emotions (anger, frustration, anxiety) start to bubble up to the surface. In fact, every qualitative focus group I’ve ever conducted highlights communication as being a key factor influencing employee morale. Scarily, this finding is so pervasive that I can confidently include ‘poor communication’ as a key finding for any organisation having trouble with culture and engagement. Rather than go down an infinite path of micro diagnosis (this is my term for the need to keep running diagnostics to identify ‘core’ issues rather than taking action to face them) I’ve come up with a couple of communication hacks that will instantly turn things around for you, your team and organisation.

“Without effective communication our relationships deteriorate, our productivity is hindered and our undesirable emotions (anger, frustration, anxiety) start to bubble up to the surface.”

Admit that you need to develop

In line with the theme in many of my posts, you need to start with yourself and acknowledge that if there is an issue, you’re probably a big contributor to it. Try resisting the temptation to look at everyone else as the problem and start by committing to make a change in yourself. With regards to communication, this means accepting that you will need to improve to get a better outcome. Self-development takes humility and relentless commitment. Drop your ego about being a brilliant communicator as your belief serves no purpose in effectively communicating.

Enhance your dialogue

Any decent engagement survey measures how clear employees feel about their role, the company direction, the vision, values, team goals etc. In fact, Gallup’s Q12 survey identified that the statement “I know what’s expected of me at work” is one of the single best predictors of an individual’s overall engagement. As such, one of the best practices you can incorporate into your meetings is to finish with “can I just go over where we landed and make sure we are on the same page?” or “Can I have a go or playing back what you want me to do to ensure that I’m clear on what you need” or “can you share back what I’ve asked so I can be sure that how I’ve articulated myself is clear?”. While you need to find your own language and the words that work, simply adding a few questions in your toolbox that help bridge the gap between what we said and what we want is a game changer.

Be consistent

If you follow the first two pieces of advice, you’ll realise very quickly how often you make poor assumptions and leave meetings where people are confused, unsure, disengaged and frustrated. You might even be telling yourself “I already do this at the end of every conversation”. I’d invite you to further challenge yourself because even the very best I’ve worked with struggle to keep up this practice. Just saying “right….is everyone clear?” is not enough. People don’t want to look stupid by seeking clarification. They also don’t want to look like they are challenging your authority, so they’ll sit back and be silent. Furthermore, most people are so busy and, in their head, that they aren’t really listening anyway. Their assumption is “If it’s really important I’ll get an e-mail, or someone will follow-up with me about it”. In general, people hold a view that internal meetings are not useful, so it shapes their behaviour when they show up. They are disinterested, not clear on objectives, and distracted. By simply asking somebody to articulate what they heard and share back the actions they are going to carry forward, you have engaged them.

Be patient with yourself and others

Initially, you might feel as though you are patronising or you might stumble on your words when clarifying expectations. This is totally fine. It takes practice to clearly and consistently set expectations. You’ll need to allow for some growing room as you’ll find that it feels awkward the first few weeks you try this. You might also see some resistance from your team and those around you. They are used to showing up to meetings with you in a certain way. When you shift your behaviour, it will necessarily shift how they show up. This can take time before you see any benefit. You may indeed find things get slightly worse before they get better.

Be open and transparent

Whenever we change our behaviour, people need to figure out ‘why’. It’s an inherent human need to know the cause or meaning associated with any shift in behaviour. As outlined in the book Hardwired Humans, everyone loves to gossip, it’s a basic human instinct associated with social grooming. One thing you can guarantee, if you shift your behaviour and it’s noted, your team will discuss it with each other. Rather than allow this conversation to evolve organically (and potentially in a harmful way), try being upfront about what you are doing and why you are doing it to ensure they aren’t creating a story around your motivation. For example, if you asked someone to ‘playback’ their understanding of the issues raised or the actions you want them to take, they could easily assume that you aren’t happy with their performance or even questioning their capability. It sounds silly but if you sat in on some of my coaching conversations, you would realise how much of what people worry about is completely made up.

As a final thought, most challenges that individuals and teams face are due to poor alignment of expectations resulting in what feels like bad communication. Even if you don’t get it right, simply discussing expectations will dramatically shift the dialogue you have with yourself and your team. If you find yourself sitting silently in a meeting, a little confused, disengaged or distracted, draw on some courage and ask a clarifying question. You’ll either get full alignment in response or some valuable discussion will ensue. For those of you that scoff at the idea that people may not be clear on what’s expected of them, know that you represent a red flag. It is likely you that needs to step back and evaluate whether your assumptions are serving you or shielding you from the truth.

Are you in control of how you feel?

Having started my career helping people measure and shift engagement, I’m no stranger to the myriad of ploys utilised by people to make how they feel somebody else’s fault. At the crux of it all, we don’t like feeling crappy about ourselves but if you do, you want to be able to attribute some sort of cause or reason for why you are feeling crappy. The most logical thing to do is to look at something external as the cause. For example, when I speak with people in business they are very quick to outline all of the issues that exist within their team and organisation and in many ways find that process quite cathartic. However, when those same people are sitting in a meeting with their teammates, their decisive, laser-like diagnosis of the problems are nowhere to be seen.

How do you explain that?

 Most would argue that they are simply protecting themselves and avoiding any potential conflict…. who wants to experience conflict in the workplace anyhow? I certainly don’t. The truth is, the conflict we experience at work, in relationships, and in life, all starts within ourselves. The problem (and power) with that realisation is, you are always in control of how you feel…you just need to take responsibility for it.

How do I know if I’m taking responsibility?

To help you self-diagnose where you sit on the spectrum of taking responsibility vs being a perpetual victim, have a look at the below accountability matrix. You will generally be able to place yourself in one of the four quadrants representing the degree to which you believe that life happens to you….or you make life happen, on the y-axis. On the x-axis, you will tend to see things in a positive light, as in the ‘glass is half full’ rather than the alternative ‘glass half empty’. This is a very simplistic overview but helps indicate the level of accountability you take for what you are feeling. To help you identify yourself, here is a brief summary of each quadrant.

Miserable bastards- “Nothing ever good happens to me…”. In other terminology, these individuals are the actively disengaged types. They see everything through a negative lens and hold a stern opinion that bad things happen to them. The expression of this becomes a listless existence, loafing their way through days latching on to whoever will listen to their complaints. The challenge for these people is that the problem is always because of somebody else or the circumstance. They struggle to be introspective and take stock of what is happening for them and their role in what they feel. They tend to end up quite lonely because people grow tired of the negativity and black cloud that is ominously floating above their head.

Anxious planners- “Just in case….”. These are your worry warts. They are always planning for a contingency as they hate being out of control. They don’t want to experience being caught off guard or not being able to follow through on what they promised. They are highly strung, need to be in control and hate letting things just ‘go with the flow’. They struggle to see their world as unpredictable and seek to make it predictable in every way. The result is often a very stressed, tired and sometimes angry person to deal with. They are also prone to total collapse and often need a ‘reboot’ day to cope.

Resilient battlers- “I’ll get through this…”. These are the people that work hard, are honest, committed, and loyal. Somehow, they are always facing drama and can’t seem to get a break. Just when they seem to be gaining traction and things are going well…. Bam! Something takes their legs out from underneath them. It’s almost as if the universe is conspiring against them to never be happy. The challenge for them is they constantly feel conflicted with the world having so much to offer in yet they are constantly battling to keep their head above water.

Practical optimists- “This looks like the way to go….”. Balancing their belief that the effort put in is directly proportional to the result they achieve, these are the people that seem to have it all together and roll with the punches. Their supposed good luck always sees them land on their feet, no matter what the situation they are in. They see things in a positive light and just get on with it. Their biggest struggle is dealing with the people that represent the other three quadrants. They are usually the people that others look to for guidance and leadership due to their level-headed demeanour.

What now?

So, whether you agree with the matrix or not, you will have self-diagnosed where you generally sit. At the very least you’ve mentally categorised all your workmates, family members and enemies. That’s right, you’ve now got a label to explain why they’re a serious pain (please note, if you’ve done this, you are not taking accountability). Of course, being a practical optimist appears to be better than a miserable bastard but the point of this exercise is not to create a label that you can proudly display to your stakeholders. The point I’d like you to extract from this exercise is regardless of the quadrant you self-identify with, how you feel is directly related to how accountable you are in your life.

“once you own it you can stop moping around because you know the cause of your misery….it’s staring straight back at you when you look in the mirror! “

How can I change?

The first step to help you shift whatever is blocking you is to recognise where you currently are in this matrix and take responsibility for it. If you’re a miserable bastard, this will be pretty hard for you but once you own it you can stop moping around because you know the cause of your misery….it’s staring straight back at you when you look in the mirror! This is all about self- awareness and taking a good hard look at yourself. The same goes for all quadrants by the way….the miserable bastards quadrant just has a more dramatic effect.

Ok, I’ve taken accountability….what’s next?

Like with all simple wisdom, we tend to do it once or twice then move on because it didn’t lead to massive results straight away. The point is made very well in James Clear’s latest book Atomic habits. It’s all about making 1% gains every day. After a year you’ll experience the compound effect of those 1% changes in behaviour. If you were brutally honest with yourself, you would have identified with all these quadrants to varying degrees at different times in your life. The one constant is the need to take accountability. If you’re not feeling great, own it. That’s what is going on for you and that’s ok. To blame what you feel on your friend, partner, team, organisation or situation is the action of a coward. It’s also the fastest way to trigger an episode of anxiety or depression.

What’s the take-home message in all of this

Above all, you are in control of your own emotions. I’ve had many debates with people about this over the years and those that pigheadedly refuse to accept their role in what they feel are perpetually stuck in a state of drama. They seek an explanation for their misery, which ironically feeds their misery. The only explanation that will help you is that you are in control of what you feel provided you are taking accountability and responsibility for your actions. For all of you reading this making up your next excuse as to why you “got metaphorically thrown under the bus”, or “you didn’t have a choice” or “you were stuck”. I’ll give you one peice of advice. Change your outlook or change your environment….that is all. Changing your outlook is to take responsibility for your choices, actions, situation and either accept it or reframe it. Changing your environment can be a physical shift in location like moving house or moving overseas. Alternatively, it could be a shift in your emotional context such as leaving your partner, changing jobs or finding a new social circle. Shifting your context in whatever form represents taking action for which you will need to be accountble for. Without action you resign yourself to the fate of a ‘miserable bastard’ sitting back and waiting for bad shit to happen to you. I’ve done my fair share of slinking around in the shadows, looking for excuses and waiting for someone to do something. Trust me, hiding in the shadows doesn’t work…through action you will learn what you most need to know to get you to the next decision.

How to align with your purpose

Have you ever felt like what you do serves no purpose? Like it doesn’t really matter or the impact you have on the world is minimal? For years I felt this way and couldn’t understand how everybody else seemingly had it all sorted out from a very early age. As a teenager and young man, I felt so inadequate most of the time that I basically forced myself into a box so I could feel aligned to something, know my contribution, and feel like what I was doing served a purpose. While this strategy kept me busy, I became a social chameleon, priding myself on my ability to blend in, go unnoticed and fit within any context. While this sounds like a great quality, which it is, it came at a cost of losing my core identity and not knowing my purpose in the world. When I look back on my teens and early twenties I was pretty anxious and depressed most of the time. I put much of my angst down to two things. 1) I was asking the question about purpose and 2) I didn’t have an answer.

"In my experience, those that can clearly articulate their purpose report better quality of life, express more gratitude and are generally happier."

What’s all the fuss about purpose…does it really matter?

'Purpose' is a huge component of the work I do when coaching and mentoring individuals but also in helping businesses align their culture to strategic priorities. My focus on purpose comes with good reason. Research shows that organisations with a clear and driving sense of purpose, beyond simply making money, outperformed the S&P 500 by a factor of 14 between 1998 and 2013 (Sisodia & Sheth, 2014). In my experience, those that can clearly articulate their purpose report better quality of life, express more gratitude and are generally happier. Great thinkers of past and present have popularised the importance of purpose with statements such as Friedrich Nietzsche's “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how” or Viktor Frankl’s insight in Man’s search for meaning “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” Joseph Campbell also shares his wisdom by encouraging one to “Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.” A much more recent perspective on purpose is Simon Sinek’s Ted Talk where he articulates the power of the golden circle by asserting that “people don’t buy what you do they buy why you do it”. With such powerful evidence and so many great thinkers all articulating the importance of purpose in being happy and successful, how then do you go about ensuring that you’ve got your purpose sorted

Ok…so purpose seems important, help me gain clarity

My first word of warning, once you ask the question, you can’t go back. To simply throw it out there an leave the answer flapping in the breeze won’t cut it. Articulating your purpose takes deliberate and careful attention. I liken the process of discovering a fossil. To reveal the entirety of the fossil, you need to carefully work with appropriate tools to separate the dirt from the specimen being careful not to damage it. It takes patience and skill. If you rush the process, you’ll gloss right over it and likely won’t get any clarity at all. If however, you’ve boldly asked the question about your purpose but are having some trouble unearthing it, here is a process I use to help people gain clarity.

1)    Identify your purpose through your values- What you most deeply value is often a great starting point in identifying your purpose. I like to start with some Values Cards. Firstly, lay them all out and create two piles. One pile represents the must have values for you while the second pile, while important, don’t resonate as deeply for you. Now turn your attention to the first pile and lay them all out in rank order, from the most important to the least important. Now that you have your rank-ordered list, you need to reduce it down to the top 5 values…top 3 is even better.

2)     Articulate your purpose statement- Now that you have your top values, you should have a strong sense of what your purpose might sound like. Don’t worry about wordsmithing at this stage, it’s about throwing out a general statement that incorporates the values that you resonate with most deeply.

3)     Test and simplify- Now that you have your values statement, it’s time to break it down into a much simpler and punchy statement. Keep in mind that the purpose of your purpose statement is not to broadcast it to the world. It’s a private affirmation for you to remind yourself what it is that you stand for and what gives you energy. Simply saying your purpose should stir something deep within you that makes you want to get going. You should have an emotional connection with your purpose. If you’re struggling, you can always test it with a few close friends or family to get an external perspective. The feedback you’d hope to hear from them is “that’s so you” or “Yes, you absolutely do that”. If you don’t see much of a reaction from them, it’s simply a reflection of the emotional connection you have to your purpose. If you don’t feel it, neither will they.

So I’ve got a purpose statement…. now what?

As you can see, there is quite a bit of work involved in truly identifying your purpose statement. Without bursting your bubble of achievement, this is the easy part. Once you’ve identified what your purpose is, you need to align who you are with what you do. To do this, ask yourself how much of your time is spent in alignment with your purpose. In many cases, what we define as our purpose is quite aspirational and therefore represents a gap between who we are and who we want to be. Regardless of your occupation, status, wealth, age, gender, etc. All the predominant wisdom suggests that we are at our best (in terms of how we feel in ourselves and how we impact the world) when we embody our purpose and live in alignment with it.

But I’m happy, why do I need to define my purpose?

Sadly, the society we live in is feeding our insatiable appetites to consume, be it information, entertainment, food,  or resources. We are a mass population acting on impulse and seeking instant gratification. Most of my clients are facing some form of challenge with regard to their purpose and contribution. Some describe this as emptiness with regard to their goals and having achieved them while others simply feel like they are on a treadmill that up until now has kept them focussed on putting one foot after the other. Above all, people aren’t happy, yet they struggle to explain why.

My challenge to you is to not wait until a catastrophic life event takes place for you to recognise how important purpose is. We’ve all been inspired by stories of great hardship where people have faced death, adversity, relentless challenge thus enabling them to find their purpose and generate a more powerful existence. Don’t wait for death, challenge or adversity. Choose to live with purpose now so you can enhance your existence and positively impact those around you. While overplaying purpose can be perceived as a narcissistic exercise, I’d much rather work toward closing the gap between who I am and who I want to be than live a superficial existence filled with stuff I don’t need, people I don’t love doing things that don’t matter.

Focussing on strengths doesn't work!

One of the most memorable conversations I’ve ever had was with a senior leader that was taking part in my coaching program. We were going through the normal process of getting to know one another to pave the way for a deeper connection. As I was describing my coaching model which includes three key focus areas; Strengths Focus, Alignment to Purpose, and Emotional Regulation I was stopped in my tracks when he said: “Focussing on your strengths doesn’t work….if you do, you become complacent and entitled”. At this point, I knew I had my work cut-out for me but as always, refrained from expressing my disagreement with his statement so I could better understand his perspective.

As we meandered deeper into his worldview it became increasingly clear what was going on. He’d built a career out of diagnosing a problem and doing something to fix it. For him, this was a clear focus on weaknesses not strengths. Also, given his salary and position in the company, he felt as though this was working for him so why would he need to change it up? The answer; because he was a dickhead that nobody really respected and he was horrible to work with. How did I know this? A standard part of my coaching program is to conduct a facilitated 360 with nominated stakeholders. It’s predominately qualitative, so I’m hearing from key stakeholders about the good, the bad and the ugly. It takes skill to listen beyond what is being said when doing this…. but in his case, it was clear! He was a total dickhead!

Like many leaders, he had fallen into the trap of obsessing over the ‘doing’ and completely ignoring the ‘being’. While we need to focus on getting things done and productivity, if it’s at the expense of you and your team’s wellbeing, it’s not sustainable. Furthermore, the illusion that he had created was a powerhouse doer, objective and data-driven at every step, all knowing and deeply experienced, to be looked up to and idolised. There was a degree of grandiosity surrounding him that can only be described as narcissism (one of the dark triad – the other two being Machiavellianism and Psychopathy). He spent most of his time looking for chinks in the chain that his belief that people were complacent became true. Capable people began retreating from his leadership due to the onslaught of criticism, never getting anything right and simply not being good enough for him. While most of us feel as though we can take a few hits…his leadership was equivalent to getting knocked down in the ring and repeatedly kicked and punched while you are struggling to get up. At some point, you get knocked out or simply cower into a submissive position to protect yourself.

Sadly, due to the pressures that senior leaders are facing, most of them are leading with their emotions. More specifically, they aren’t able to self-regulate their emotional state and this is expressed in strange ways. To this end, when you’re stuck in an emotional world, your strengths (the things that make you feel good and productive) are squashed and your purpose (your reason for being) is snuffed out. What’s worse, when you try to engage with a dickhead leader, you enter into their emotional world and lose sight of your strengths and purpose in the process. Too often I’ve heard people say “I wanted to prove him wrong…..show him that I’m really good at what I do” or “I’m not going to let him push me around like this….I’m going to fight for respect” or “I think he’s an idiot but I just need to do what he wants for now so I can change things up in the future”. All these strategies are indicative of emotional derailment. If you like feeling overwhelmed, anxiety, depression, self-doubt and want your self-esteem to plummet….keep approaching dickhead leaders in this way.

Once you recognise that they are always going to be the most important person, with the most important perspective and the best idea. Trying to have a rational conversation will only pull you into an emotional whirlpool. Play lightly, tread lightly and make sure you prioritise your own wellbeing. Somebody who views others as inadequate and in need of fixing will create a toxic environment around them.

A true leader should see their role as inspiring others to be more of who they already are. They do this by enabling people to focus their strengths on meaningful goals, living their purpose and being present throughout the process. If you aren’t sure what to do, simply have compassion for the dickhead leaders in the world. While they show the world a tough exterior, most of the time they are completely broken emotionally and struggle to simply ‘be’. They are acting out of a place of emotion, fear of failure, fear of not being a good leader, fear of not knowing all the answers.

5 Reasons why perspective matters

I distinctly remember the first time I created a sculpture.My art teacher had decided that a boy in our class who suffered from rheumatoidarthritis would need to sit on a chair positioned on top of the tables so wecould all observe him as our “subject”. I remember feeling sorry for the guy ashe was mildly disfigured due to his disease. I wasn’t sure if the teacher hadasked him to be the subject for this reason…. or had he nominated himself tohave a whole class full of students use his body as the subject matter fortheir sculpture. He didn’t seem to be phased by the request so I relaxed intothe task at hand. Having never done sculpture before, I was curious as to how Icould create a great sculpture. We were using clay and I found that I couldmake my figure interesting from one side only to find that the other sidelooked horrible. This push and pull became a little frustrating and seemed tobe an ineffective way to create a masterpiece. Feeling a little miffed with theexercise, I heard my teacher say “your challenge is to make your sculptureinteresting from every single angle. You need to let the piece emerge as youcontinuously refine your interpretation of the subject”. For whatever reason,what she said clicked for me. I’d been trying to create a three-dimensionalsculpture by observing the subject, my mate with rheumatoid arthritis, from asingle perspective. It prompted me to get up and move around the subject andexplore how he looked from every angle. As a result, I was able to create afantastic sculpture that was unique and interesting from every single anglethat you looked at it.

"Unfortunately, the perspective taken in many cases is unidimensional, fixed in their seat and only observing the subject from a single point of view. The result, an uninspired piece of work that is dull with little impact on the observer."

Every time I’m stuck on a problem, helping my kids with achallenge, working through a solution with a client or even observing someoneelse’s artwork in a gallery, I always think back to that experience I had whenI first attempted to create a sculpture.

Indeed, I use sculpting as a metaphor in leadershipdevelopment, self-development, culture. In all of these areas, we are aiming tosculpt something be it a great leader, a better version of ourselves or aculture that everyone would love to work in. Unfortunately, the perspectivetaken in many cases is unidimensional, fixed in their seat and only observingthe subject from a single point of view. The result, an uninspired piece ofwork that is dull with little impact on the observer. In an organisationalcontext, these are the run of the mill ‘leadership development’ courses thatare a ‘feel good’ fiesta for a couple of days but ultimately develop nothing.  Or a self-development course that enables youto feel better about yourself but see everyone else in a negative light. Orworse still, the culture ‘change’ program that promises to change so much thatnothing changes at all….at least not before the environment organically changesfirst.

What’s my perspective on all of this? Get more perspective!It’s way too easy to put the blinkers on and see things from a familiar, triedand tested viewpoint. If you always see a problem, in the same way, you’re veryunlikely to develop novel solutions. In fact, when you take a different perspective,you might not see it as a problem at all!

One tool that I love to use with clients (and myself) iscalled the ‘5 perspectives tool’ (thanks to David Drake for creating the tool).When an individual or team is stuck on a problem, the ‘5 perspectives tool’ isa great way to help them get unstuck and see things from a different angle. It’sa very simple method to generate multiple viewpoints where there are seeminglyno options left. Start by writing down your problem or challenge in the centreof your page then draw 5 spokes representing other perspectives you could taketo describe the same problem or challenge. You’d be surprised how hard it is togenerate more than 3 perspectives and to get the 4^th and 5^thcan be exponentially more difficult.

This tool reminds me of that first experience I had creatinga sculpture. It helps me see things from every angle and ensure that myinterpretation is a well-considered, ‘interesting from all angles’ solution.

 One final perspectiveI’ll leave you with, most problems that we are facing a no bigger than a grainof sand. It’s just that our focus is so intently fixed on the grain of sandthat we can’t see anything beyond it. If we are bold enough to step back andsee the bigger picture, our problems become no more than a grain of sand on abeach that is barely perceptible in this vast universe. If you’re up for the challengeof becoming a better leader, better version of yourself or shaping a betterorganisational culture, have the courage to step back and see the biggerpicture. You might surprise yourself and end up creating a masterpiece.

How master manipulators keep you on their string

As a child, the world is full of wonderment, everyexperience is new and filled with excitement. The world feels like a magicalplace of endless possibility. Until of course, we hit our teenage years and oneday we wake up to the familiar burden of the mundane, the known and the boring.While the contrast is stark, our wonderment slowly ebbs away with each joyfulexperience fading like a favourite shirt that’s seen too much sun. As adults,we are constantly pursuing the magic, the innocence and the curiosity that weall once had for the world. So much so that we can overcompensate by fallingvictim to those that see our insecurities, our weaknesses, and our deepestdesires.

When I was about 15, my dad was working toward developing a puppet show that he could tour locally in schools, markets, and private shows. He’d worked long and hard on it and needed someone to help him out as a second performer. Being fascinated with such things, I was more than happy to help. As I got to understand the show, learn my lines, practice how to perform using glove puppets, I soon began to appreciate the art form. I also became increasingly aware of the ‘magic’ tricks associated with bringing a puppet to life. For example, if you’ve ever watched a puppet show, what makes it brilliant is when the puppets interact with the audience. They come to life as real characters by asking questions, pointing people out and making quick-witted comments in response to any hecklers (usually a pesky 3-year-old) amongst the audience. For a child, the mystery is too great…and the puppets are confirmed as the real deal. There is no possibility that they are fake. For adults, they are impressed at the cleverness of the script and wonder how such a feat is achieved…all the while knowing that a puppeteer is in control of the show.

They keep us on their string by being highly entertaining to all, brilliant storytellers, quick-witted and almost psychic in their responsiveness to their stakeholders. Such abilities are extremely powerful for influencing stakeholders and equally damaging for those that get drawn in.

For those of you that know, this will seem obvious, but the secret lies in the material used as the backdrop. It’s a very thin vale, with highly reflective material so when lights are shone directly at its surface it sparkles brilliantly for the audience. For the puppeteer, however, this becomes the perfect camouflage to observe the audience undetected. For the illusion to work, the puppeteer must be in complete darkness otherwise their silhouette becomes detectable and the illusion of the puppets being alive is destroyed. I distinctly recall one show where my dad and I were about halfway through our version of 3 billy goats gruff. Suddenly an overly bold child (most likely the pesky 3-year-old heckler from before) snuck around the back of our puppet theatre and lifted the canvas door. Light poured in exposing the magic trick, the child’s face was a combination of excitement and disbelief. The answer they were looking for was right in front of them….they just didn’t want to believe that what once was beautiful and magical was now just a man with his hand in a puppet.

Puppeteers are master manipulators, actors and magicians all rolled into one. An ageless art form that continues to capture the imagination of audiences to this day. I’d like you to consider the master manipulators you’ve come across in your work-life over the years. More specifically, I’m referring to the Machiavellian leaders from the Dark Triad (Machiavellian, Narcissism, Psychopathy). Those that appear to be able to manipulate us with their cunning, strategic minds. Lure us in with their charisma and appear to understand our emotional state providing us with a sense of comfort and security. They always know what the right thing is to say. Like the puppeteer, these master manipulators have a highly reflective backdrop that when surrounded by darkness makes their true character completely undetectable. They keep us on their string by being highly entertaining to all, brilliant storytellers, quick-witted and almost psychic in their responsiveness to their stakeholders. Such abilities are extremely powerful for influencing stakeholders and equally damaging for those that get drawn in.

Nobody likes being manipulated, especially when they have no idea it is happening. There are those that prefer not to know how a magic trick works and enjoy the sheer entertainment of it all. They buy their ticket at the door, scoff some popcorn and immerse themselves in the experience. In contrast, there are some that prefer not to get involved at all. They stay at home in safety, never exposing themselves to the thrill of the illusion. Finally, there are those that are familiar with the ‘magic’ of it all and revel in the opportunity to take up a ringside seat at the circus, carefully watching each act to see if they can spot the trick, catch the illusion or unveil the master manipulator.

As a psychologist and executive coach, I’d like to share myperspective on how to deal with a Machiavellian leader as it’s highly likelythat you will have to at some stage….or most likely already have!

1. If you’ve cottoned on to their cunning ways, manipulative tendencies, and magnetic lure. Move on, get out and don’t look back. While you may want to go toe to toe with them, demonstrating your ability to uncloak their true character, you’ll ultimately fail.
2. If you’re currently caught in the web of a Machiavellian leader but aren’t sure, ask yourself how they make you feel. If this swings between “I can do anything” to “I feel smaller than a grain of sand”, I hate to break it to you but you’re being manipulated. Upon this realisation, see point 1) Move on, get out and don’t look back.
3. Like most people, you’ll ignore my advice and think that you are a smart capable human being who is resilient and strong. Therefore, you will go toe to toe, you’ll jump in the ring with them and give it all you’ve got. You may even knock them down a few times but to your dismay, they keep popping back up again like a bobo doll. Here’s the secret, like the highly reflective backdrop of a puppet theatre, you can’t see the puppeteer’s true character, the harder you look you will begin to see a form. That form is merely your own distorted reflection, your shadow self, aka, your dark side. The sooner you recognise that by fighting the Machiavellian leader, you are fighting with yourself, the better equipped you will be to bow out gracefully, move on, get out, and never look back.

One closing remark, spare a thought for the Machiavellian leader, the master manipulator or the genius puppeteer. While you may not feel they deserve any of your empathy, consider their existence. Highly reflective, surrounded by darkness, living by stealth to remain undetected. A keen observer of others, but never observing themselves. Their own reflection is impossible to detect in the absence of light. Despite their relationships, they are never truly known to others. A victim of themselves, ostracised by their inability to see themselves. As one can only imagine, isolated to a small room in complete darkness devoid of any connections would be the ultimate punishment. Understand that when you try to take them on, you are stepping into that darkness with them. My advice, have empathy for their suffering then move on, get out and never look back!

Challenging yourself hurts...not challenging yourself hurts more!

As I ascended the stairs, I noticed I was feeling a littletense. The sting of Tiger balm quickly filled my nostrils along with the smell ofsweat-stained clothes and gym gear. I’d been here before but somehow, this feltdifferent. I was about to undergo a test, a challenge, something I’d beenworking toward for a couple of years now. All the training, learning, hard workand discipline would be evaluated over the next 2 hours. I would have to demonstratemy knowledge, my fitness, my physical ability and to top it all off, fight!

To those that are familiar with martial arts, they canreadily appreciate the nervousness one feels before are grading but equally identifywith the knowledge that what they are about to do has been done by many beforethem. On the path to obtaining a black belt, you discover that the destination,while significant and important, becomes less of a focus. For me, the gradingthat I just experienced held more significance than others because itrepresents the halfway milestone, the transition from a ‘junior belt’ to a ‘seniorbelt’ and in many ways, where the level of intensity (both physical and mental)begins to increase.

For everyone out there right now weighing up if the timing is right to start that ‘thing’ you’ve always wanted to start….let me answer the question for you…IT IS!

I look back two and a half years when I was watching othersfrom the sidelines secretly admiring their determination, tenacity, discipline,courage, and consistency. Through challenging myself, hard-work, a few injuries,and setbacks, I’ve fallen in love with the process and deeply trust it willenable me to continue to progress.

Like education, careers, growing a business, raising afamily or investing in a relationship, martial arts has taught me that whilethe challenge that it presents is real and the pain one experiences can beextreme, none of it is as painful or crippling as not doing anything at all.

For everyone out there right now weighing up if the timingis right to start that ‘thing’ you’ve always wanted to start….let me answer thequestion for you…IT IS! Take a leap of faith, break through a barrier,challenge your fear. You most likely won’t change the world but at least you’llexperience the inevitable growth that comes with challenging what you previouslythought wasn’t possible.

Change = Death = Life

Full expression, in my opinion, is a representation of thehighest form of intelligence and why we are continuously drawn to those that canachieve full expression in their chosen field. From business leaders, athletes,musicians, sculptors, entrepreneurs, inventors, painters, poets, writers, and actors.Their uniqueness is undeniable, their genius fills us with curiosity and awebut the one thing we all share is the inevitability of facing death. Be it ourown death, that of a family member or friend or even somebody we don’tpersonally know but know of. Death and the change that it brings is an inevitablepart of life.

Like everyone, I’ve faced some tough and unusual situationsin my life thus far but one experience that has me stumped is facing death. Iwas largely spared this experience until I was 29 years old. I’d already had 4kids by that stage but somehow managed to evade facing the emotional challengeof death. Obviously, I had indirectly experienced death, but the emotionalimpact was something I was yet to feel. Like the saying ‘seeing is believing’ whenit comes to emotions ‘feeling is understanding’. I recall the moment I learnedof my Grandfather’s death. I was very objective and matter-of-fact about it.Intellectually, I was upset, but I didn’t feel anything initially. At first, Ithought there was something wrong with me as if I was cold and lacking emotion.It was 5 days after he died when I was delivering my eulogy, mid-sentencehalfway through the first paragraph that I started to feel the undeniable vacuumcreated by the void in my heart. I suddenly started to feel like I was implodingas if disappearing into the abyss of a black hole. Paralysed with confusion,unable to speak, I basically lost the plot and experienced the inevitablechange that comes with staring into the mirror of death.

Brett Whiteley, a master of translating life into art, was oneof my favourite artists of all time. I was a keen art student at high schooland spent many hours studying Whiteley’s work and while doing so, I stumbledacross the following statement CHANGE = DEATH.At first glance, it appears to be somewhat morbid and potentially a by-product ofhis well-documented drug abuse. Upon deeper reflection, the simplicity of thisinsight offers an explanation of why change continues to be the greatestinstigator of fear and resistance in our lives. With all change, comes death atone point or another. The challenge for us all is that when someone orsomething dies (i.e. ceases to exist) be it a person, job, relationship or idea,we struggle to see beyond the starkness of it ceasing. We aren’t taught toembrace the unknown, change that necessarily stems from the death of someone orsomething, which in essence, is a fundamental part of life.

"With all change, comes death at one point or another. The challenge for us all is that when someone or something dies (i.e. ceases to exist) be it a person, job, relationship or idea, we struggle to see beyond the starkness of it ceasing."

In organisations, we are constantly facing change. ThroughBrett Whiteley’s artistic lens, this change represents death, death ofsomething and with that comes the need to accept and let go. I’d like to build uponBrett Whiteley’s expression by adding life into the equation. The result is asfollows, CHANGE = DEATH = LIFE. Thework of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross describes the 5stages of grief which has since been adapted by John Fisher and relabelled asthe organisational change curve. While originally inspired by work withterminally ill patients, the applicability of this model to help people acceptand work through changes within an organisational context has proven to be verypowerful.

Why is it that we resist change so fiercely? This simpleanswer, it’s hard and it hurts. For the more scientifically robust answer, I’lldefer to the work of Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky regarding loss aversion.Through their work on behavioural economics, we know that the loss ofsatisfaction associated with losing $100 is greater than the gain insatisfaction associated with winning $100. In simple terms, we find it harderto let things go than it is to receive. Have you ever noticed what happens whenthe CFO decides to restrict access to stationary? Take away the weekly fruitdelivery? Or limit the selection of tea people have to choose from? Thebitching and moaning this causes, not to mention the loss in productivity, isfar greater than the positive affect created when the benefits were first introduced!

Like many of you, right now, I’m facing the prospect of deathin my family, change in my work, and transition in my personal life. While itnever gets easier, embracing death, change, and transition as a part of lifeenables me to stay curious and open. The comfort seeking aspect of me sodesperately wants everything to be stable, constant and without change. This,we all know is a luxury that cannot be granted in a universe that is infinitelyexpanding. Aside from the obvious, we all seek change and progress, we just don’twant to acknowledge the mirror image of that….death.

The sooner we stop seeking for things to be stable, constantand without change, the better. The reconciliation of death, moving on, and lettinggo will be far less confronting, and we might find that managing change will bea less challenging process too.

Stop watching from the sidelines and get amongst it!

I’m a full-blown unapologetic martial arts fan. Everybodywho knows me understands that regardless of what form, what country, whatlanguage, if it involves two people duelling it out using their bodies todefeat their opponent, then I’m in….and I’m not the only one.

When I was about 11 years old, I recall being at home ‘sick’(which may or may not have been legitimate) and decided to rent some videosfrom the local video store (my 4 kids still find it crazy that I used tophysically walk to the store and rent a video cassette that I had to physicallyput in a machine before I could watch a movie). They had a special on at thetime so you could rent 7 ‘weekly’ movies for $7. I was drawn to the martialarts section so decided to load up on some Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee…….and soit began.

Bruce Lee soon became my hero and while there weren’t anyKung Fu schools in Lismore, I started doing Karate. I continued with martialarts for a couple of years but then life got in the way, I moved to a new house,changed schools and all of my extra-curricular activities altered too.

Fast forward 23 years, marriage, 4 kids, 2 degrees and abusy career, my love affair with martial arts was even stronger but I was atotal observer. My wife and I decided that Karate would be great for our kids asit offered some strong values, taught them confidence, kept them physicallyactive and enabled them to further reinforce their Japanese language skills….allpositive. Deep down, I had another agenda and that was to live out my fantasyof being a martial arts superstar vicariously through my kids. My weekends soonbecame peppered with karate tournaments, seminars, demonstrations and tests ofcourage. I was in heaven….all while watching from the sidelines behind mycamcorder.

Every now and then, someone would ask, “have you ever donekarate?” or “have you thought about joining?”. I would always answer in a predictablematter of fact way. “Yeah….I did it when I was a kid but you know….life tookover so had to quit” and “I’m a bit old for it now….maybe when I was in mytwenties, but not now”. The truth is, I desperately wanted to join but I hadthis bullshit story going on in my head that people would laugh at me and thatI wouldn’t be able to find the time. My body was stiff as hell from years ofsitting hunched over a desk so the thought of trying to kick at head height wasinsane! I could just imagine my hip joint popping out of its socket and neverbeing able to walk again! So….I dutifully dropped off my kids and picked themup 3 times a week, took them to tournaments, pushed them to fight, massagedtheir injuries, encouraged them to continue when it got hard, etc. But…. I wasstill observing from the sideline.

"The truth is, I desperately wanted to join but I had this bullshit story going on in my head that people would laugh at me and that I wouldn’t be able to find the time."

About 4 years ago, I was sitting with a client one morningand he mentioned that he’d just come from his dojo, where he had been training.He proceeded to explain how he got into martial arts, through taking his kidsalong and decided to stop watching from the sidelines and give it a go. Thiswas the spark that I needed, the prod that I was looking for……but I stilldidn’t join.

Three years ago, I made the decision to join Karate and, get out of my own way. Making the decision wasn’t enough, you see, the karate that my kids and I do (Shinkyokushinkai) is known as the strongest form of karate in the world because of it’s gruelling training regimen and physical conditioning techniques. The style is designed for full contact bouts so fighting is a core component of learning Shinkyokushinkai. I quickly learned that that the decision that I’d made wasn’t at all the hard part…the training was. Many have questioned the training methods and the constant push to improve one’s capability but I’ve come to love the will, mentality, and spirit that is at the core of Shinkyokushinkai. The literal translation of Shinkyokushinkai means the ultimate truth. When you are exhausted, are fighting someone bigger and stronger than you and can barely stand….that’s when you start to appreciate what the ‘ultimate truth’ is all about. In a nutshell, it’s about never giving up. Always having a go and mustering up the courage to push through what you thought wasn’t possible. If you're still wondering how this might be relevant, I’ve often heard HR directors and CEOs refer to leadership and business as a ‘contact sport’ respectively. It wasn’t until I engaged in a full-on combat sport, that I started to appreciate the meaning behind their words. You can't lead people or run a business through observing on the sidelines, you need to get amongst it and sometimes this results in a bloody nose.

"You can't lead people or run a business through observing on the sidelines, you need to get amongst it and sometimes this results in a bloody nose."

What often looks like a mindless brawl is a test of will,courage, and spirit between two people that understand the benefit of challengingthemselves against someone worthy. Through my studies of martial arts andcombined years of a collective admiration of those in my dojo and famousfigures alike, I’d like to invite you to explore in yourself the following insightsthat practicing martial arts has taught me to live by.

Never give up.This insight is pretty simple and doesn’t really need an explanation. I knowthere is an academic argument for when it makes sense to give up. etc. etc.Basically, it’s all rubbish. Giving up is an expression of ‘it’s too hard’ or‘I don’t like it anymore’ or ‘I’m not seeing the progress that I want to’ or‘it’s a big-time commitment’. To this, I say, bullshit. Get over yourself andget on with it. If you’ve got a broken hand, don’t punch with that fist. Ifyou’re sick, don’t push yourself too hard. This is not about hurting yourself;it’s about showing up. Too often, we willingly take the easy road becausethat’s what most people do.

It’s about consistency and frequency. It never comes down to a single bout, test, grading, belt, competition or training session. It’s about weaving together your decision to live by your ‘ultimate truth’ in every moment. There is nothing magical about it….just hard work and persistence. I’ve worked with thousands of people that have expressed their most compelling aspirations to me, yet aren’t willing to do what it takes to make it come to life. It’s in those moments that you know most people would give up….and if you did, nobody would judge you. Those moments are the turning points or thresholds that you need to cross within yourself. Some might question how to recognise such a moment….to them I say, if all of you wants to run and hide then you’ve found it….you need to stare yourself down and persevere.

Keep showing up and making progress. I know not everyone likes combat sports so my suggestion isn’t to go join your local dojo (although I highly recommend it and guarantee you will discover ‘the truth’…whatever that means to you). I do, however, invite you to stop watching from the sidelines, encouraging others, living in a fantasy world or putting everyone else first. Who cares if you’re crap or don’t know what you’re doing or even if you look like an idiot. It’s through the process of having a go that you’ll discover what drives you, what scares you and what sparks something powerful. It’s about making progress and pursuing a better version of yourself, every day. I

If you'd like to learn more about how I can help you step into life, stop being an observer and start developing who you are, make contact with me here or book in a free 30 min chat to kick start things for you.

Are you a master juggler?...or do you keep dropping the ball?

I was staring across the schoolyard basketball court, trying to avoid any eye contact with the cool kids. You know, the group of kids that everyone wants to be ‘in’ with? Well, I wasn’t. I’d recently moved schools and was in year 8, 13 years old and awkward as hell. I was classified as a city kid and didn’t have any friends. To quote Brené Brown , I had to “embrace the suck” and was feeling totally vulnerable.
In this moment of vulnerability, I caught a glimpse of someone on the other side of the basketball court juggling three balls. This wasn’t just a simple juggling pattern like you see in the background of movies like Gladiator, this was some seriously sophisticated juggling. The kind you might expect to see at Cirque du Soleil! I was simply mesmerised and couldn’t help but step out of my fear and vulnerability so I could learn how to juggle.
Predictably, I learned how to juggle, in fact, juggling became such an obsession for me that it was all I really did for a few years. I loved the challenge, the process of learning, the perfect combination of mental stimulation and physical mastery. Sadly, my understanding of society at the time didn’t really reinforce that I should pursue juggling. Instead, I was met with a staunch view that ‘juggling was a game’ and ‘you should focus on your studies’ because ‘juggling will get you nowhere’.

"Juggling is just like life. Embrace the opportunity to learn and you shall be rewarded. Resist the process or attempt to explain it and you will be frustrated to no end."

As life took over, I juggled less, studied more and started succumbing to the inevitable process of detaching from my body through a sedentary existence, sitting at my desk, being inactive for hours on end and losing my strength, flexibility, and mobility. The repercussions of modern life sound heavily biased toward the physical but don’t be fooled. If you are weak, inflexible and not very mobile with your body, your mind has no choice but to follow. It’s similar for somebody who is depressed, anxious or tense, their body language reflects the state of their mind.
While I juggled less, I never stopped completely. At university, I was part of the Circus Society and taught many people how to juggle. For anyone who has worked with me, they know that I have always had juggling balls at my desk and would often use them as a ‘stress down’ activity to bring a bit of fun into the work environment and break things up a little.
A few years ago, I watched Tod Samson’s hit series “redesign my brain” and in one of the episodes, he was tasked with learning how to juggle as a way of improving his brain’s capability. In fact, research has now demonstrated that learning how to juggle increases both white (Scholz et al., 2009) and grey matter (Draganski, et al., 2004; Driemeyer, et al., 2008) in the brain and also reduces anxiety (Nakahara, et al., 2007). Additional benefits include improvement in circulation, posture, hand-eye coordination, peripheral vision, memory, and attention just to name a few. With so many benefits associated with such a simple and accessible task, I started exploring how Juggling could serve as an antidote to the physical and mental stagnation that stifles even the most innovative organisations.
Indeed, Juggling also serves as a powerful metaphor for many of the challenges we face in corporate life. Juggling is one of the best ways to highlight Carol Dweck’s work and diagnose whether someone is exhibiting a fixed or growth mindset (Dweck, 2008). In organisational development, we often speak of wanting to tap into the holy grail of engagement…the ‘flow’ state as outlined in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s work (Csikszentmihaly , 1990). Once somebody has learned the basics, Juggling is one of the best ways to replicate the state of flow in anyone. Given the complexity and difficulty faced when learning how to juggle, there are many opportunities to simply give up. Over the years I’ve taught hundreds of people how to juggle and often heard them say “I’m not coordinated enough to juggle” or “I’ve never been good at throwing and catching”, “it takes too long to learn” or my favourite “I’ll never be able to do it…it’s impossible”.
While some people get it more quickly than others, there is one trait that stands out above the rest regarding those that succeed vs those that don’t. It just so happens to line up very nicely with Angela Duckworth’s research on ‘Grit’ (Duckworth, 2016). Those that focus on getting the throw right and aren’t afraid of dropping the ball, are the ones that succeed. They are the same people that consistently drop the ball knowing that each time they do, they further hone their skill and acuity. These are the people who believe that consistent effort will enable them to learn and develop. I’ve come to realise that Juggling is all about the art of learning. It’s a process of dipping in and out of progression (pushing oneself beyond your current capability to develop) and flow (being engrossed in the task to a point where time stands still).
This equilibrium is essential for us to maintain our engagement and vitality for life. When we get too comfortable, we stop growing and we become bored. On the flip side, if we experience too much strain or discomfort, we burn-out. We must embrace and understand the infinite pattern that is at the core of everything. For anyone that has achieved flow while juggling, they will understand and appreciate that the flow of the juggling pattern in a three ball cascade follows the sign of infinity.
Without going too deep and philosophical I wanted to make a few points before closing this out:

• Learning to juggle is a fantastic way to change your brain’s composition.
• Juggling is a form of active meditation, so it relaxes your mind while stimulating your body; something our modern lives have thrown completely out of whack.
• A successful juggler embraces true grit and isn’t afraid of dropping the ball…. Repeatedly and to keep picking them up to try again.
• Juggling represents the dynamic process of learning agility by balancing the challenges of growth with the seduction of comfort.
• With discipline and consistency, your practice will be rewarded with progress beyond what you ever thought was possible. All within the same infinite framework. This doesn’t have much to do with talent…but a lot to do with motivation and hard work.
• Juggling is just like life. Embrace the opportunity to learn and you shall be rewarded. Resist the process or attempt to explain it and you will be frustrated to no end.

I still juggle to this day and continue to deepen my practice. I use juggling in my work as a coach and psychologist to enable people to create conscious change. Therefore, the aspiration is to be both a master juggler and to keep dropping the balls. I’ve learned to love the sound of the dull thud that a juggling ball makes when dropped. It’s no longer a source of frustration or angst but a simple reminder that I’m still learning.

If you’d like me to help you break through barriers, align your team or enhance your organisation’s culture book in a free 30minute discussion so we can discuss how I can support you.

About Joe

Joe’s visionis to enable people to be all of who they are by aligning who they are with whothey want to be. Working with Leaders and their teams, Joe coaches people tohave the conversations that most need to be had. With a Masters ofOrganisational Psychology and 12 years experience as a consultant, coach,facilitator and Culture expert, Joe understands what makes people tick. Joe’sclients love his approachable nature, flexible style and deep insight thatcreates meaningful changes to peoples’ lives.

References

Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper & Row.

Draganski B, Gaser C, Busch V, Schuierer G, Bogdahn U, et al. (2004) Changes in grey matter induced by training. Neuroplasticity: Nature 427(6972): 311–312.

Driemeyer J, Boyke J, Gaser C, Bu¨ chel C, May A (2008) Changes in Gray Matter Induced by Learning—Revisited. PLoS ONE 3(7): e2669. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0002669

Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. New York, NY, US: Scribner/Simon & Schuster.

Dweck, Carol S.. (2008) Mindset :the new psychology of success New York : Ballantine Books

Nakahara, T., Nakahara, K., Uehara, M. et al. (2007) Effect of juggling therapy on anxiety disorders in female patients. BioPsychoSocial Med, 1: 10. doi:10.1186/1751-0759-1-10

Scholz J,Klein M. C., Behrens T. E. J., Johansen-Berg H. (2009) Training induces changesin white-matter architecture. Nature Neuroscience 12, 1370 – 1371

There's only one version of me...isn't there?

Abe the clown performing. Photo Taken by Bruce Hart

When I was seven, I recall spending my Sundays at the Lismore car-boot market, following closely behind a street performing clown named ABE Bazzan. While there were many other children doing the same thing, there was a difference for me; that clown was my dad. It was quite confusing to see my dad transform from the person that I knew into an eccentric, larger than life character, who was totally and unrecognisably different. While I tried to enjoy the clown show, I couldn’t help but know that it was my dad underneath the mask, the clothes, the raspy voice, and the bizarre character. I got to experience the ‘post-show analysis’ which is another way of describing the painful process of counting coins that had been deposited in his busking tin at the end of the show. Rarely was the energy and passion with which he performed met with commensurate payment. What was more alarming, was the sadness that often sat with my dad after the shows. Somehow, performing as an alter-ego to the delight of others, sapped my dad of his energy leaving him flat and empty.

In many ways, we all put our clown costume on in readiness to perform for the audience. The difference being, our mask is our persona and the audience is often our work or our family and friends.

ABE counting counting coins after completing a show. Photograph taken by Bruce Hart

ABE having a quick drink before continuing his performance. Photograph taken by Bruce Hart

I recall a conversation with my dad when I was a teenager that revolved around some of his insights as a clown. He shared with me that one of the hardest jobs in the world was to be a clown…not due to the demands of performing but more-so due to the emotional burden carried by the role. The irony is, when people watch a clown, they see a symbol of comedy, a licence to laugh and an opportunity to release themselves from the moment. On the flip side, while dad was performing for the crowd what he could see was a deep sadness in people that was unveiled in the presence of his alter-ego. You see, the clown mask and costume that my dad wore enabled him to see people for who they really were because the clown was a joke, a symbol, a character that casts no judgement and makes us laugh. I guess what this did for my dad was get him more aware of how similar we all are when we front-up to the world. In many ways, we all put our clown costume on in readiness to perform for the audience. The difference being, our mask is our persona and the audience is often our work or our family and friends.

Why is this important?

In one of my recent articles ‘What’s your story’, I focussed on the necessity of regularly asking yourself what is most important. In my work as a coach and facilitator, I often ask people, “what is most important to you right now”. The answer is usually prefaced with “do you mean at work…. or at home”. The answer implies a distinction between how one makes decisions at work vs personally. For me, this is indicative of an underlying belief that who we are, depends on the situation we are in. Or put another way, how we choose to respond is dependent on our context. Taking this one step further, given the situation is always evolving, are we to then assume that the number of personas that we master must equal the situations that we are presented with? I don’t know about you but that sounds like a whole lot of hard work…and I’m exhausted just thinking about it. I get that we need to be respectful and accommodating but when it comes to what’s most important, it shouldn’t vary too much from one context to another.

Dad is now retired aged 77 and is suffering from a terminal illness. About 6 months ago, he mentioned that he was feeling more at peace with himself. He explained that throughout his life, he was always an entertainer. He would play music at parties, perform on stage, act in amateur theatre, was a puppeteer, clown, and musician. I often felt that he was even performing for me at home to lift my spirits or help me through a challenge I was facing. What he went on to express gave me some deep insight, not just into my dad, but human psychology. You see, dad always struggled to simply show up as himself. He was a little awkward in social settings, misunderstood in work contexts and didn’t really know how to ‘be’ as a father. When I asked him “Why are you more at peace with yourself now Dad?” he simply replied with, “I just want to be me”. As strange as it sounds, I think what dad expressed is at the core of what most of us want. The simplicity to just ‘be’ who we are without having to perform a certain way. The irony with this is that dad is now more creative and alive than he has ever been simply because he is spending his energy on what he loves doing, not on how he thinks he should be performing in the world.

What’s the lesson in this?

I think we all play the clown or performer to a certain extent. It protects us from being vulnerable and showing the world who we really are. I know I’m certainly guilty of it at times and work hard to keep myself in check. For some reading this, they might think of this as an overly philosophical view of the world. My retort, if we live life through a filter determined by the current context when do we show up as ourselves…if at all? Imagine if all the energy you spent on being a certain way at work, at home or with friends was directed toward your creative potential through ideas, learning and developing?

In closing, I wanted to share that Dad was an amazing clown and performer (one of the best I’ve ever seen). I often wonder how far his genius could have taken him if he had gained the confidence and insight to simply be himself when he was in his prime. His gift to me, and in turn to all of you is to share that there is only one version of who you are, warts and all. Recognise this for yourself, do it quickly and the rest will take care of itself.

The Magic of Fire

It felt late at night, I glanced at my watch to discover that it was only 8:47pm. There was something magical about fire…how it soothes one's soul, warms one's heart and calms one's mind. While it seemed as though I'd been staring into its playful rhythm for hours on end…barely 10 minutes had passed. It was a cold still night, and earlier I'd decided to build a nice campfire to lift my spirits following on from the past couple of days. This trip was supposed to be my chance to get away from it all and enrich myself with the basics, experiencing nature and eating simple food. Instead, I'd spent two days enduring some fierce weather that involved gale force winds, horizontal rain and less than ideal temperatures. Having endured all that mother nature could throw at me, it felt natural to want to enrich my experience by building a fire.

A task I normally take for granted, turned out to be a challenge that I hadn't anticipated. What is normally as easy as striking a match was now being hindered by the environment, a cold, wet and overall unpleasant campsite. I couldn't help but get annoyed with myself as I brought this suffering into my world. As it happened, the holiday I was seeking turned into the challenge that preventing me from experiencing the nourishment that I thought I so desperately needed. How is it that my planned escape from reality would unearth a new level of suffering when I was meant to be enjoying myself?.... Wrong question! At that point, I realised, by questioning why I wasn't enjoying myself I was becoming a victim of the situation, held hostage to the weather. I could only blame myself which ultimately, led me to more suffering. The better question to ask myself turned out to be far simpler. I was bloody cold, my socks were wet and I was getting more depressed by the minute. I really needed to make a fire…but it seemed hopeless. The right question was "Based on this crappy situation where all the kindling is wet and I have no dry wood, how do I get a bloody fire started?" It was at this point…at the threshold of giving up that it clicked for me. I discovered the magic of fire…..even in the absence of a flame.

"The right question was "Based on this crappy situation where all the kindling is wet and I have no dry wood, how do I get a bloody fire started?" It was at this point…at the threshold of giving up that it clicked for me. I discovered the magic of fire…..even in the absence of a flame."

After gorging myself with toasted marshmallows and hot chocolate the night before, I emerge from my not so dry tent to a smouldering pile of ash with no wood to get the fire started again. The reality was, my environment was constantly shifting and there was a rhythm within the complexity of the shift. Once I'd been camping for a week, I finally got into the discipline of searching for wood the day before I needed it, knowing that I'd be able to capitalise on the hot embers from the previous night in order to build up the fire again the following day. My focus had now shifted from creating fire to one of sustaining fire.

A fire has the power to mesmerize the most active mind and inspire hope in those that feel demoralised. The challenge to get a fire started is fuelled by anticipation of what that fire will create for you. I'd argue that one of the most powerful skills a person can ever learn is how to generate a fire both literally and figuratively. It is a fire that provides us with warmth, the ability to cook our food and provide light for us to see. Regardless of what is happening around you, a fire has an uncanny ability to bring people together in a way that encourages friendship and collaboration.

My experience got me thinking about organisational culture and more specifically, how we create that same magic that fire inspires in a business context.

Most organisational change stories can be linked back to a visionary CEO that paved we way through great leadership and a relentless focus on people. Unfortunately, like in the academic world, we don't ever hear about the many hundreds of unsuccessful experiments that never got published but simply hear about the one or two success stories that gain notoriety. Similarly, in the right conditions, the simple flick of a match can set fire to a blaze that can burn brilliantly without much effort whatsoever. The Australian bushland is notorious for its catastrophic bush fires that can even be a result of a rogue lightning strike.

 In contrast, a deliberate and orchestrated change in culture is all too often met with an insurmountable brick wall that further reinforces that change is hard, not for the faint-hearted, fails more often than it succeeds and for most…can't really be changed despite what all the culture change specialists tell us. Culture evolution on the other hand (non-deliberate) simply represents reality, the very nature of how we and the organisation as a system operate. It will change and must change…. regardless of how deliberately we direct or sculpt the shift. The distinction here is that the culture of an organisation is always changing whether we like it or not. The issue with traditional culture change is that it follows a linear ( from x to y, time 1 to time 2) change process for something that is constantly changing anyway. Simply put, if you know it's about to rain do you wash your car? If you're about to move to a new house would you change the layout of your bedroom? If your organisation is about to go through a restructure do you pull everyone together for a team building offsite?

Back to my analogy of fire……too often, culture is limited to a discussion that revolves around the immediate environment and what you get from it…be it experience or tangible "stuff". My desk, my fruit, my massage fairies, my manager, my team, my tasks, my car space, my salary, my processes, my systems…and the list goes on. How we currently conceptualise culture and the change we aspire to create is very much about what people "get" as a result of the change. WIIFM is the approach that most consultancies and HR practitioners use to determine if people are going to jump on board the rusty old change bus they so religiously keep refuelling year after year. The reality is, the sooner that we see the environment as something that either fuels or hinders our culture, the better. In order to create something sustainable, the environment (emotional and physical) needs to be recognised as:

• Constantly in a state of flux and change so nothing stays the same

• A critical factor that influences my mindset, behaviour, and success

• Something that is within my control to enhance

When camping, fire is an essential ingredient to ensure that one returns home feeling fully rejuvenated. Ever tried camping in the rain? More specifically, ever tried lighting a fire when you are camping and it just so happens to be raining? Yeah……not the most fun you've had I'm sure. What's more, is the need for fire when it's raining is so much greater. You are most likely wet and cold and can't find any dry wood….so it's hard to get that first spark going. Even if you do happen to get a flame going, keeping it going is even harder!

Applying this thinking within organisations, we are only ever setting camp up temporarily (ok so I'm sure there are a few ‘lifers' out there challenging this notion, but for most, they join an organisation knowing that it's not forever). We know it's going to be an experience, we know we need to generate a fire and we know we will need to take our constantly changing environment into consideration in order to do so. We also know if we depend on anyone else to build a fire for us or expect that it's already going to be lit and sustained before we get to camp…..we may have made some pretty poor assumptions.

"We also know if we depend on anyone else to build a fire for us or expect that it's already going to be lit and sustained before we get to camp…..we may have made some pretty poor assumptions."

The truth is, before you build a fire, you need to survey the environment when you arrive. Often, we have an idea of what the environment is like but when we finally arrive at our destination, we see it for what it is. Are you experiencing a cold, wet, dark, windy campsite that is positioned smack bang on top of a smelly quagmire? If so, you know that starting a fire is 1) super important and 2) bloody difficult. The first thing you need to do is think about how you can increase your chances of being successful in getting the fire started because another certainty is that anyone else on the campsite is going to be facing the same challenges.

While fire certainly feels magic….there are some tangible steps you can take to build one.

• Step 1- Build a shelter: It doesn't need to be grand, but you do need somewhere that you can get out of the elements and enable yourself to start the process of creating a fire.
• Step 2- Gather some fuel: You need the fuel to get a fire cranking ready to go. Ideally, this is as dry as possible and starting with small kindling, increases incrementally as the fire increases in size.
• Step 3- Create a spark to get things cranking: The first spark is the hardest and will need fine attention to detail to ensure that it takes. This takes perseverance and patients when facing off against the elements. As painful as it is, you can't skip past this step and come back to it later.
• Step 4- Build it up and sustain: Now that you've got a good flame going, you need to carefully stack the wood on (without smothering it) to ensure that it builds up to the desired intensity. It's easy to get carried away at this stage and overdo it….either burning through all of your fuel unsustainably or snuffing it out completely.
• Step 5- Sit back and bask in the magic: Once you've got it cranking and found a rhythm and balance for the amount of fuel you need to keep feeding it, you can sit back relax and bust out the marshmallows. It's time to bask in the warmth that it throws offs, stare into the endless complexity and predictable unpredictability of the flames, share stories, laugh, engage and ultimately nourish yourself.

Rather than seeing the responsibility of culture as an HR thing or something that the CEO has to drive, think of culture as a whole group of people collectively taking responsibility for their own campsite, knowing full well that if they don't take the necessary steps to ensure they can build a fire in their current environment, they are likely going to get cold, have no light and nothing to eat. Having said all of that, if someone is in despair, there is usually a few free spots around the campfire for those in need. It takes nothing away from the fire to have an extra person experience its warmth.

My challenge to you…..take a look right now at your environment. What's the lay of the land….is there a storm coming? Are you experiencing a considerably frosty winter? Or is the environment more like the Australian bushland in the middle of January, hot dry and ready to burn? Regardless, you need to take the necessary steps to identify what it will take for you to understand your current situation, search for the necessary fuel and shelter, create the spark that takes you from the hope of generating fire to the reality of sustaining the level of light and warmth that you need. This is not a set-and-forget exercise but something that you need to adopt as part of your daily discipline. If you don't continually monitor your fire, you'll either end up burnt or your fire will simply flare up and go out.

What's Love got to do with It?

In all my travels, my many conversations as a colleague, coach, friend, husband, father, sibling or son have brought me to one insight that I believe matters above all else.  The question is: What has love got to do with it? My answer: Everything! And here's why….

I caught the tail-end of a conversation the otherday that ended with "what can you do……it's just a job". Based on thetone of the statement and accompanying gesture (both hands raised to the airwith shrugged shoulders), it seemed to come off the back of a strainedconversation due to frustrations they were experiencing. More specifically,there was a sense of acceptance coupled with resignation. By this I mean, theyweren't happy with the situation but had accepted to not challenge further asit wasn't that important to them. Reserving judgment (while also acknowledgingthe number of times I have used the same phrase or similar), I wondered whetherthis person loves what they do…. or even believes that it's possible to lovewhat they do.

"If you know what's in your heart, don't waste time questioning what it all means or making it fit your life's narrative, make a choice, strap yourself in and lead your life!"

We are all familiar with the saying "if youlove what you do, you'll never have to work a day in your life" but howmany of us believe that it's possible? In thinking this through and havingnumerous discussions with people on the topic, it seems love is usually notsomething that people associate with work. Taking that thread even further….people seem quite uncomfortable discussing love in a work context. At thispoint, I feel it's important to define what I mean by love as there are as manydefinitions out there as there are people on this planet (7.6 billion based onthe most recent count).

Love defined- Through all my searches, there seems to be a common acceptance about the distinction between feelings of ‘love' vs a feeling of being ‘in love'. To be in love is usually reserved for a life partner, soul mate or those that we choose to marry. To love someone or something is far broader in scope such as an activity (hobby), a family member, friend, pet, job or even a holiday destination. While to ‘love' or be ‘in love' have clear differences there is an obvious overlap worth acknowledging:

• They are both expressions of strong feelings of passion, affection and come directly from one's heart

• They both require a great deal of courage to express what you really feel and vulnerability to be hurt in the process of expression

• When we give or receive love, there is no question…. you simply feel what you know to be true

Now that we are clear about love, let's bring itback to the work context and how it applies here. Through all my coaching overthe years, when people describe great leadership, amazing workplace culture,high performing teams, or an exemplary individual performance it always soundsvery similar. Something like the following:

• People describe a sense of passion, commitment andconviction in what they do that feels genuine and true
• They have the courage to express themselvesopenly…even if it means showing their vulnerabilities
• When challenged about why they do what they do, thereis no doubt, question or ambivalence

As you can see the similarities between love in life and love at work are unquestionable. As interesting as this might be, you are likely wondering what to do with this (if anything). My advice to anyone that is curious about this (and this applies as much to me as anybody that I coach) is to allow yourself to feel what is already in your heart. This is something that you already know how to do but you are likely to be distracted with to-do lists, actions, people to meet, bosses to manage up to, KPI's to hit and families to cater to that you aren't able to acknowledge what is truly in your heart i.e. what is most important to you. As a final thought for you to ponder, to ‘love' in whatever capacity is always a choice. This choice takes commitment, conviction, energy, and courage. If you know what's in your heart, don't waste time questioning what it all means or making it fit your life's narrative, make a choice, strap yourself in and lead your life!