Are you in control of how you feel?
Having started my career helping people measure and shift engagement, I’m no stranger to the myriad of ploys utilised by people to make how they feel somebody else’s fault. At the crux of it all, we don’t like feeling crappy about ourselves but if you do, you want to be able to attribute some sort of cause or reason for why you are feeling crappy. The most logical thing to do is to look at something external as the cause. For example, when I speak with people in business they are very quick to outline all of the issues that exist within their team and organisation and in many ways find that process quite cathartic. However, when those same people are sitting in a meeting with their teammates, their decisive, laser-like diagnosis of the problems are nowhere to be seen.
How do you explain that?
Most would argue that they are simply protecting themselves and avoiding any potential conflict…. who wants to experience conflict in the workplace anyhow? I certainly don’t. The truth is, the conflict we experience at work, in relationships, and in life, all starts within ourselves. The problem (and power) with that realisation is, you are always in control of how you feel…you just need to take responsibility for it.
How do I know if I’m taking responsibility?
To help you self-diagnose where you sit on the spectrum of taking responsibility vs being a perpetual victim, have a look at the below accountability matrix. You will generally be able to place yourself in one of the four quadrants representing the degree to which you believe that life happens to you….or you make life happen, on the y-axis. On the x-axis, you will tend to see things in a positive light, as in the ‘glass is half full’ rather than the alternative ‘glass half empty’. This is a very simplistic overview but helps indicate the level of accountability you take for what you are feeling. To help you identify yourself, here is a brief summary of each quadrant.
Miserable bastards- “Nothing ever good happens to me…”. In other terminology, these individuals are the actively disengaged types. They see everything through a negative lens and hold a stern opinion that bad things happen to them. The expression of this becomes a listless existence, loafing their way through days latching on to whoever will listen to their complaints. The challenge for these people is that the problem is always because of somebody else or the circumstance. They struggle to be introspective and take stock of what is happening for them and their role in what they feel. They tend to end up quite lonely because people grow tired of the negativity and black cloud that is ominously floating above their head.
Anxious planners- “Just in case….”. These are your worry warts. They are always planning for a contingency as they hate being out of control. They don’t want to experience being caught off guard or not being able to follow through on what they promised. They are highly strung, need to be in control and hate letting things just ‘go with the flow’. They struggle to see their world as unpredictable and seek to make it predictable in every way. The result is often a very stressed, tired and sometimes angry person to deal with. They are also prone to total collapse and often need a ‘reboot’ day to cope.
Resilient battlers- “I’ll get through this…”. These are the people that work hard, are honest, committed, and loyal. Somehow, they are always facing drama and can’t seem to get a break. Just when they seem to be gaining traction and things are going well…. Bam! Something takes their legs out from underneath them. It’s almost as if the universe is conspiring against them to never be happy. The challenge for them is they constantly feel conflicted with the world having so much to offer in yet they are constantly battling to keep their head above water.
Practical optimists- “This looks like the way to go….”. Balancing their belief that the effort put in is directly proportional to the result they achieve, these are the people that seem to have it all together and roll with the punches. Their supposed good luck always sees them land on their feet, no matter what the situation they are in. They see things in a positive light and just get on with it. Their biggest struggle is dealing with the people that represent the other three quadrants. They are usually the people that others look to for guidance and leadership due to their level-headed demeanour.
What now?
So, whether you agree with the matrix or not, you will have self-diagnosed where you generally sit. At the very least you’ve mentally categorised all your workmates, family members and enemies. That’s right, you’ve now got a label to explain why they’re a serious pain (please note, if you’ve done this, you are not taking accountability). Of course, being a practical optimist appears to be better than a miserable bastard but the point of this exercise is not to create a label that you can proudly display to your stakeholders. The point I’d like you to extract from this exercise is regardless of the quadrant you self-identify with, how you feel is directly related to how accountable you are in your life.
“once you own it you can stop moping around because you know the cause of your misery….it’s staring straight back at you when you look in the mirror! “
How can I change?
The first step to help you shift whatever is blocking you is to recognise where you currently are in this matrix and take responsibility for it. If you’re a miserable bastard, this will be pretty hard for you but once you own it you can stop moping around because you know the cause of your misery….it’s staring straight back at you when you look in the mirror! This is all about self- awareness and taking a good hard look at yourself. The same goes for all quadrants by the way….the miserable bastards quadrant just has a more dramatic effect.
Ok, I’ve taken accountability….what’s next?
Like with all simple wisdom, we tend to do it once or twice then move on because it didn’t lead to massive results straight away. The point is made very well in James Clear’s latest book Atomic habits. It’s all about making 1% gains every day. After a year you’ll experience the compound effect of those 1% changes in behaviour. If you were brutally honest with yourself, you would have identified with all these quadrants to varying degrees at different times in your life. The one constant is the need to take accountability. If you’re not feeling great, own it. That’s what is going on for you and that’s ok. To blame what you feel on your friend, partner, team, organisation or situation is the action of a coward. It’s also the fastest way to trigger an episode of anxiety or depression.
What’s the take-home message in all of this
Above all, you are in control of your own emotions. I’ve had many debates with people about this over the years and those that pigheadedly refuse to accept their role in what they feel are perpetually stuck in a state of drama. They seek an explanation for their misery, which ironically feeds their misery. The only explanation that will help you is that you are in control of what you feel provided you are taking accountability and responsibility for your actions. For all of you reading this making up your next excuse as to why you “got metaphorically thrown under the bus”, or “you didn’t have a choice” or “you were stuck”. I’ll give you one peice of advice. Change your outlook or change your environment….that is all. Changing your outlook is to take responsibility for your choices, actions, situation and either accept it or reframe it. Changing your environment can be a physical shift in location like moving house or moving overseas. Alternatively, it could be a shift in your emotional context such as leaving your partner, changing jobs or finding a new social circle. Shifting your context in whatever form represents taking action for which you will need to be accountble for. Without action you resign yourself to the fate of a ‘miserable bastard’ sitting back and waiting for bad shit to happen to you. I’ve done my fair share of slinking around in the shadows, looking for excuses and waiting for someone to do something. Trust me, hiding in the shadows doesn’t work…through action you will learn what you most need to know to get you to the next decision.