Focussing on strengths doesn't work!
One of the most memorable conversations I’ve ever had was with a senior leader that was taking part in my coaching program. We were going through the normal process of getting to know one another to pave the way for a deeper connection. As I was describing my coaching model which includes three key focus areas; Strengths Focus, Alignment to Purpose, and Emotional Regulation I was stopped in my tracks when he said: “Focussing on your strengths doesn’t work….if you do, you become complacent and entitled”. At this point, I knew I had my work cut-out for me but as always, refrained from expressing my disagreement with his statement so I could better understand his perspective.
As we meandered deeper into his worldview it became increasingly clear what was going on. He’d built a career out of diagnosing a problem and doing something to fix it. For him, this was a clear focus on weaknesses not strengths. Also, given his salary and position in the company, he felt as though this was working for him so why would he need to change it up? The answer; because he was a dickhead that nobody really respected and he was horrible to work with. How did I know this? A standard part of my coaching program is to conduct a facilitated 360 with nominated stakeholders. It’s predominately qualitative, so I’m hearing from key stakeholders about the good, the bad and the ugly. It takes skill to listen beyond what is being said when doing this…. but in his case, it was clear! He was a total dickhead!
Like many leaders, he had fallen into the trap of obsessing over the ‘doing’ and completely ignoring the ‘being’. While we need to focus on getting things done and productivity, if it’s at the expense of you and your team’s wellbeing, it’s not sustainable. Furthermore, the illusion that he had created was a powerhouse doer, objective and data-driven at every step, all knowing and deeply experienced, to be looked up to and idolised. There was a degree of grandiosity surrounding him that can only be described as narcissism (one of the dark triad – the other two being Machiavellianism and Psychopathy). He spent most of his time looking for chinks in the chain that his belief that people were complacent became true. Capable people began retreating from his leadership due to the onslaught of criticism, never getting anything right and simply not being good enough for him. While most of us feel as though we can take a few hits…his leadership was equivalent to getting knocked down in the ring and repeatedly kicked and punched while you are struggling to get up. At some point, you get knocked out or simply cower into a submissive position to protect yourself.
Sadly, due to the pressures that senior leaders are facing, most of them are leading with their emotions. More specifically, they aren’t able to self-regulate their emotional state and this is expressed in strange ways. To this end, when you’re stuck in an emotional world, your strengths (the things that make you feel good and productive) are squashed and your purpose (your reason for being) is snuffed out. What’s worse, when you try to engage with a dickhead leader, you enter into their emotional world and lose sight of your strengths and purpose in the process. Too often I’ve heard people say “I wanted to prove him wrong…..show him that I’m really good at what I do” or “I’m not going to let him push me around like this….I’m going to fight for respect” or “I think he’s an idiot but I just need to do what he wants for now so I can change things up in the future”. All these strategies are indicative of emotional derailment. If you like feeling overwhelmed, anxiety, depression, self-doubt and want your self-esteem to plummet….keep approaching dickhead leaders in this way.
Once you recognise that they are always going to be the most important person, with the most important perspective and the best idea. Trying to have a rational conversation will only pull you into an emotional whirlpool. Play lightly, tread lightly and make sure you prioritise your own wellbeing. Somebody who views others as inadequate and in need of fixing will create a toxic environment around them.
A true leader should see their role as inspiring others to be more of who they already are. They do this by enabling people to focus their strengths on meaningful goals, living their purpose and being present throughout the process. If you aren’t sure what to do, simply have compassion for the dickhead leaders in the world. While they show the world a tough exterior, most of the time they are completely broken emotionally and struggle to simply ‘be’. They are acting out of a place of emotion, fear of failure, fear of not being a good leader, fear of not knowing all the answers.