The Fishbowl: Real life, Real people, Real cases | Adam Camerlengo

As part of my regular posts, I’m introducing a new series call ‘The Fishbowl’ that focusses on real people and how they self-reflect, prioritise, make decisions and show up in the world. It takes courage to put yourself out there and share aspects of who you are and what you believe has shaped you and your life. However, I strongly believe (and my experiences and my clients’) suggest that when you demonstrate courage and show a bit of vulnerability, it enables you to grow and expand. For anybody reading this, take the opportunity to self-reflect and potentially see yourself in their stories and learn from their own insights and courage. You never know, you too might feel compelled to share a bit more of who you are with the world….what’s the worst that could happen?

Introducing Adam

Adam and I first met in the Karate dojo about two years ago. In that period of time, I’ve seen Adam kick some serious goals in life such as compete in a Karate tournament held in Malaysia representing Australia, obtain his black belt, further progress in completing his degree toward becoming a fully qualified Chiropractor and volunteered much of his personal time to establish himself as a loved and valued member of the Artarmon Shinkyokushin Karate Dojo.

For anybody that knows Adam, he is a fast talker and can sometimes, according to Adam, be overlooked as a bit of a ‘class clown’ so people tend not to take him seriously. Over a two hour chat armed with an iced coffee, a beautifully air-conditioned building where we could escape the thick white smoke that is currently choking Sydney, Adam (with a little bit of help from his great friend Vera) shared his story with me and ultimately answered the question “how did you end up here?”.

The conversation began with Adam launching into stream-of-consciousness type flow of verbal expression that reflected Freud’s free association technique without the couch. There was no need for me to lead with a question, Adam was already there, masking his nervousness about agreeing to ‘share his story’ with me by talking without taking a breath for the first 5mins. Once he finally did stop for breath, he asked: “so how does this work…. what are we going to do?”

The stories we tell ourselves

I asked Adam to share his story with all of us because he has recently experienced a series of significant accomplishments. It’s brilliant to see when somebody is in their flow, taking the bull by the horns and leading a fulfilled life. My intrigue with Adam and his story lies not in his accomplishments but more so in what he tells himself when nobody else is listening. Sometimes these stories are so automatic and well-rehearsed that we are no longer aware of them. On the other hand, sometimes they are so dominant that we can’t focus our attention on anything else. What is clear, whether we are aware of what we tell ourselves or not, they play a significant and profound role in how we live our life, shape our future, and interact with the world around us. They influence how we related to others, communicate our message, reflect on challenges or opportunities, experience love, hate or any other emotion. Fundamentally, what we tell ourselves has a huge impact on everything that we do.

Adam’s ‘story’

Before I even finished my sentence explaining the concept underlying the stories we tell ourselves, like any self-confessed fast talker, Adam quickly interjected with a wry smile and slightly flippant tone stating “that’s easy, my story is that I’m not good enough and I’m not working hard enough”. Indeed Adam is very self-aware of his own story and how that has contributed to shaping him to this very day. He may not have gone to the lengths of illuminating how dominant this story has been in shaping his behaviour and the outcomes he has achieved. He is, however, aware of the agitation that it creates, like an old injury that only shows up during the coldest months of the year….it’s always there but we sometimes forget how it is affecting us until it stops us from doing what we want.

Following Adam’s admission to the story that he habitually tells himself, I probed further to understand if he knew where it came from. This was where the conversation got tangential – which for a speed talker like Adam means we covered his story in a pattern that resembled a Mr squiggle drawing (apologies for those too young to understand the reference…..watch the YouTube clip!) i.e. It starts with a few dashes on a page that iteratively morphs into a comprehensive image. In short, he couldn’t articulate exactly where it came from but through verbalising his thoughts, we managed to get to the core.

The ‘drunken man’s’ stagger

Adam, like most of us, has not taken a linear path through life thus far. Very rarely does someone decide what they want to be early in life and seamlessly make it a reality. It does happen….but more often than not, our journey resembles something that looks more like a drunken man’s stagger….swaying from one side to the other, backward and forward, around in a few small circles to finally land at a destination. At that point, the drunken man sobers up and says to himself “how did I get here?”.

With surprise in his voice, Adam affirms that he was actually one of the ‘cool kids’ at school. He wasn’t quite sure how it happened but given one of the kids in his group was a budding AFL superstar (no small thing in Victoria) he was cool by association no through his own sporting prowess. He also had a gift for music that stemmed from his mother. He was encouraged to get involved in all music, art and drama at school. While his understanding of music is savant-like, his real passion emerged in Drama.

Adam has always felt underestimated, which he admits he likes. It gives him an edge over those that put him in the ‘class clown’ box. For those that did make fun of him or disrespect him, he quite simply didn’t take shit from anyone and stood up for himself. Knowing that others underestimated him, he used this as fuel to motivate him to work harder and not be predicted by inferential statistics like everyone else.

He went on to study performing arts at university with the intention of establishing himself as an actor. Following a lot of hard work, knock-backs, and part-time jobs in coffee shops and bars Adam realised he wasn’t happy. While he was battling to make himself a name in showbiz, he took an interest in mixed martial arts and inspired by George St Pierre took a few classes in Kyokushin Karate. Soon after, he started taking his training more seriously than his career. It was through a routine visit to an inspirational chiropractor that Adam had been seeing for a hip injury (most likely agitated from practising martial arts) he was persuaded to explore getting qualified as a Chiro. His first response to the suggestion “I’m not smart enough to do that”.

Right here we see a simple comparison with family members, accomplished friends, academically successful peers or authoritative professionals. The story of “I’m not good enough, smart enough, big enough, strong enough……. ENOUGH!” kicks into gear. It’s a toxic story that only through grit, pure determination, and consistency can we succeed despite the crippling distraction from our own imagined foibles. Fortunately for Adam, Karate was an anchor for him to challenge his deep-seated belief that he wasn’t good enough and wasn’t working hard enough. Shinkyokushin is well known globally to be one of the strongest forms of Karate in the world. The training is tough and unrelenting with an undertone of ‘never give up’. The philosophy of karate reinforces to never be enough and never work hard enough. Indeed there is no end game…no goal to achieve…no state in which you rest. Even when obtaining a black belt, which Adam has recently achieved, you are welcomed into what is known to be the ‘void’. Below is an excerpt from a training manual explaining the transition a Black Belt makes upon successful completion of the grading.

Fig 1 Ku - The ‘Void’

KU- The Void. When we are born we know nothing. Through training, we strive to achieve a different level of “nothing”. At first, the body controls the mind, then the mind controls the body. Ultimately the mind is clear and can ignore problems, anger, worry and become calm. This is the way to live a happy life.

Working hard for things you want?

There is a lot of wisdom in working hard to get results, and a truckload of evidence to support that it works. The challenge with this approach is that you can spend your whole life working really hard to obtain a trophy, car, family,  house, status, job title, or belt colour (in the case of Karate) without really knowing what you want.

In the absence of knowing what you really want, you are susceptible to your own imagination which emerges in the form of bullshit stories that you tell yourself….just like Adam (and all of us for that matter) has done for his whole life. The energy and focus it takes to override such toxic stories is far greater than the effort we put into knowing what we want. Just imagine if you redirected all that energy toward your aspirations.

The trick for Adam…and all of us for that matter is to change our focus. Rather than working hard to achieve what we want, we need to work really hard to KNOW what we want. This is not a one-off tick-the-box exercise but an ongoing commitment to the most important project you’ll ever work on….YOU. The best way to do this is to ask yourself often, ‘What is most important to me right now?’ Answer it honestly, work toward aligning yourself to what is most important and your whole life will make a lot more sense.

True Perspective

Like many of you reading this, Adam is very intelligent. He is going to graduate with his second degree, has a black belt and competed in karate tournaments against top-level opponents. Despite all of that, he still tells himself that he’s not smart enough, not good enough and doesn’t know if he’s working hard enough. How is it that someone who is intelligent and achieves so much in life still believes falsities that he tells himself in stark contrast to what all the evidence suggests? One of the greatest lies we can ever tell ourselves is that how we think others perceive us is true. If you’re feeling sorry for Adam right now, don’t. Take a moment to see yourself in his story and recognise that while you might have a slightly different way of expressing it, you also have a story that rules you, that you believe to be true despite all of the evidence that suggests that it isn’t!

Once you know your story, what do you do next?

The answer lies in neuroscience and the simple truth that [1]‘neurons that wire together fire together’. Every time Adam faces a challenge or sees something like a stretch goal, his default pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving is linked back to ‘not good enough’. We build ‘evidence’ to confirm what we already ‘know’ (this is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy). The best way to break this is to introduce a roadblock, power surge or hijacking of the existing pattern. This is something that fundamentally challenges what we tell ourselves, how we see ourselves and subsequently how we behave. I call this circuit breaker True Perspective which represents the overlap of how we see ourselves with how others see and experience us. It’s more than being self-aware, it is our self-concept in action. True Perspective is seeing yourself the way the rest of the world sees you. In this case, I didn’t ask Adam’s friends, family, colleagues and clients to provide their rating of him so it isn’t a fair representation of Adam because it is only made up of Adam’s self-concept. He did, however, have his good friend Vera present and she chimed in to let me know that Adam is quite hard on himself.

Figure 2 - Adam's Self Evaluation- True Perspective

Evolution of self

For the last 15 years, I’ve been working on a framework to help facilitate personal and professional development. Too often I see people that overinvest in one element more than the other which over time, throws them out of balance. For example, this looks like working all hours to deliver on a massive project and missing out on time with family. Alternatively, it could be taking a 6 month break off work to do a trip around the world to make up for the lost time. Neither of these is wrong, but they certainly aren’t balanced. From my personal experience and the experience of my clients, the imbalance that prompts their corrective action stems from being misaligned i.e. How they want to be experienced and remembered by others is not matching their day to day behaviour. This, in psychology, is what we call cognitive dissonance.

Based on [2]Adam’s self-ratings, I’ve plotted where he sits on the evolution of self framework and as you can see it’s primarily focussed on relationship boundaries. Much of the session that Adam I and had was focussed on the relationships he has with his peers at university, with those he loves, and the relationship he has with himself. Over the coming months and years, Adam has an amazing opportunity to transcend his focus on relationship boundaries and move into the transformational elements of the framework.

Figure 3 Evolution of Self Model

When it comes to ‘self’ it’s ever-expanding, evolving concept that is constantly changing based on your interactions with the world. The more experiences you have, the more refined (and hopefully aligned) you will be.

Application

When it comes to applying this model, it can be utilised with reference to situations, such as how you perform on projects or in a particular role at work or even in a volunteer context. You may also like to apply the model in a more personal setting such as with your social circle, your immediate family, or in relation to your life partner. There is no limit to the application as the principles are the same across all contexts and with all relationships. The key is to leverage the combination of ‘True Perspective’ with the Evolution of Self Model to ensure you are continually defining, refining and progressing toward creating your legacy i.e. living in alignment with how you want to be remembered.

References

[1] Löwel, S. and Singer, W. (1992) Science 255 (published January 10, 1992) "Selection of Intrinsic Horizontal Connections in the Visual Cortex by Correlated Neuronal Activity". United States: American Association for the Advancement of Science. pp. 209–212

[2] Normally, I would interview 6-8 nominated stakeholders to obtain the ‘others’ perspective. Given this was not a full program, I kept it to a self-evaluation only.

The 5 Laws Governing your Leadership Legacy

I’d like you to imagine that you’re in a hospital surrounded by medical professionals, machines beeping, people rushing about, and a heaviness is surrounding everybody. You feel it too as you know that you must make a choice. The doctors have so professionally outlined all the pros and cons associated with either choice you make but the final decision lies with you…and you alone. You’re feeling a little bit angry at the situation, it’s not fair that this decision rests squarely on your shoulders….is it? You feel cornered like you’re being pressured into making the wrong decision…will you? You wish somebody else could just tell you what you need to do…. don’t you?

14 years ago, I was facing such a choice. My wife was pregnant with our first child who was due to be born in about two and a half months. Everything had been going so smoothly that I kept having to remind myself that she was pregnant. That all changed when things got complicated. During a routine check-up, our doctor recognised that things weren’t quite right. Our son was at risk of being born a couple of months early so my wife was hospitalised and put on bed rest. We were given a flying tour of the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU) where all the premature babies were cared for. I had a hard lump in my throat as we were being ‘inducted’ knowing that I would soon be joining the other sleep-deprived parents staring at their babies longingly; their view obscured by the Perspex walls of the humid-i-crib and the bunch of tubes and wires that represent an artificial umbilical cord. I was numb, I couldn’t really feel anything.

The ‘big’ day

She’d been on bed rest for two weeks now so I’d convinced myself that the baby would be born normally and we wouldn’t need to be in the NICU. That morning, I got a call from the hospital that the baby was coming….the lump in my throat hardened. Upon arrival, I did my best to reassure my wife that everything was going to be ok. That’s when the doctor mentioned some of the other problems. The baby’s position wasn’t normal (he was bum first) so a natural birth would be difficult. We could choose surgery but that also came with its risks for my wife and our baby. Overwhelmed with emotion, my wife wanted me to make the decision.

My choice

I chose a natural birth option. This was potentially the riskiest for both mother and baby but also the best option if they both made it through. Given the complex situation, we had 6 doctors in the room. I felt so small, helpless and insignificant. I was only 24 years old and the lump in my throat was so tight now, I could barely speak. The next few hours were a slow-motion blur resulting in my son being born naturally. The nurses quickly jumped into action as he wasn’t breathing, and his heart had stopped. Feeling the relief of giving birth my wife looked over at me for reassurance that he was ok. That moment stood still…..what was likely only 10 seconds felt like hours. Not knowing how to respond to my wife’s gaze, I looked on as the doctors and nurses were trying to revive our son. My wife squeezed my hand and asked ”is he ok”? It was at that moment that I heard what sounded like a gurgling noise that was reminiscent of a scene from Jurassic park. For the first time in two weeks the lump in my throat had softened…I could finally speak unhindered “He’s going to be fine”….I said.

Leadership Legacy

Leadership is about showing up in a way that represents who you are. Legacy is about defining how you are remembered. Having worked with thousands of people in their pursuit of being great leaders I’ve seen the very best and the very worst of Leadership Legacy. As highlighted by my own experience with my wife and first son, how you show up in difficult situations defines how you will be remembered. There is no ‘right’ or ‘known’ path for great leadership but we all know it when we see it. A great piece of research outlined by Gallup references the ‘four needs of followers’ by simply asking a group of 10 000 managers to describe the traits of a leader that has had a significant positive impact on their life. The results of their study showed four common themes that emerged. Great leaders were characterised by Trust, Hope, Stability and Compassion. While great leaders make mistakes all the time, we tend not to remember them for what they got wrong, but more so for all of what they did right. How do great leaders create such a positive experience for those around them?

The Five laws

Through my own work coaching leaders, I’ve observed some universal truths that guide the actions of those that are aligned with their leadership legacy. Below is a brief summary of these universal truths that can be used as guiding principles for those that want to accelerate their own development and more fully live in alignment with their legacy.

Law 1 | Listen with depth – Great leaders are brilliant listeners not just of the words being said but also to that which is unsaid. The ability to truly listen requires more than just your ears. As Malcom Gladwell wrote in his book ‘Blink’, your ability to process micro-expressions, be aware of your own biases, and draw conclusions under extreme pressure all happens within the blink of an eye. Oscar Trimboli’s fantastic book ‘Deep listening’ expertly guides us through the different levels of listening starting with self then moving through to meaning. Oscar also reminds us of the need to be mindful of your shadow or unconscious listening behaviours which prevent you from listening deeply.

Law 2 | Learn with endless vigour – We all intuitively know that when we are learning we have more energy, feel motivated, engaged, and connected. We also know that sometimes learning can feel hard, especially when you reach a plateau. Great leaders relentlessly commit to their learning which takes humility. While having an outcome focussed mindset is great for kicking goals, we tend to focus less on the process of learning if we are too focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. In my own practice of juggling, yoga and martial-arts I am continually reminded that there is no end goal. Being present and connected to daily practice is indeed the intention. Some days you are strong, while on other days things just don’t click. This is also a part of the learning process which requires consistency, dedication, persistence, and discipline. In the pursuit of mastering an ability, we learn how to master ourselves. Self-mastery is self-leadership.

Law 3 | Liberate yourself and others – Almost all of what prevents us from achieving that which we most desire exists solely in our own head. Great leaders can separate their past experiences from the meaning they attach to them. It’s not what happens to you that matters, it’s what you make it mean that causes all your suffering. Being able to transcend your past, and let go of your hang-ups will give you the freedom to truly lead. Doing this for yourself provides you with the capacity to liberate others. Keep in mind that this is not a one-trick pony. We are constantly wired to interpret what happens to us in a way that is meaningful and makes sense. The sooner you realise that this is how we have evolved to feel safe and in control but won’t help you succeed, the better. To grow and lead, you must embrace your fear and the inherent meaninglessness associated with your experiences.

Law 4 | Link people, concepts, and experiences– To quote Paul Kelly “From little things big things grow”. My interpretation,  our thoughts represent where we choose to focus our attention, which drives our behaviour, which creates outcomes. The thousands of thoughts driving our behaviour and outcomes everyday form our identity. Who we hang out with, what we choose to do in our spare time, the TV we watch, the partners we choose, the work we do, the products we buy, all represent ripples on a pond. The pond being the universe and a thought represents a pebble tossed into the calm water. The more pebbles we toss the more ripples that form. When the ripple caused by my pebble collides with yours, we start to see how complex and messy things can get. Great leaders recognise that all things are linked. Knowing the far-reaching nature of these connections arms leaders with the wisdom to act with integrity. A pebble thrown with accuracy will cause a ripple effect that’s both beautiful, intentional, and knows no bounds.

Law 5 | Love with courage – As Steven Covey wrote in his book ‘The seven habits of highly effective leaders’ love is what you do and who you are being, not what you are feeling. If you no longer feel in love with your work, your partner, or your life. It’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself about what you are doing. By this I mean, how are you showing up in your relationship, to work, or in life? Are you always late? Ask yourself if this represents the actions of someone who loves their team, their partner, their friends or their family? Are your actions aligned with love? Or perhaps you drink too much alcohol? Ask yourself, is this what love looks like to you? Do you get angry with your kids and dominate them by yelling and screaming when they misbehave? Ask yourself, are your actions reflecting love? I know it’s hard and most of us get it wrong most of the time but it takes courage and vulnerability to behave in alignment with love. You might call this gratitude, acceptance, courage, expression, vulnerability, connection etc. Whatever you call them, they are all rolled into behaviours aligned with love. Great leaders are able to love knowing that they will get hurt, knowing that there is no other way to truly be.

Closing thoughts

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sharing these laws with you to ‘tell’ you what to do. I wrote this article off the back of the most common question I get from people when I’m coaching them. They ask “What do great leaders do?” or if they are honest “Do you think I have what it takes to be a great leader?”. The 5 laws come from great leaders that I’ve worked with, my own self-exploration, and through understanding the research of others. The laws represent what great leaders do. To answer everybody’s question – Do you have what it takes? Absolutely. If your willingness to love outweighs your fear of being hurt, you will succeed. Like my experience throughout my first son’s birth sometimes the best leadership comes in the form of knowing when not to speak or intervene. It takes leadership to accept that you don’t know what the outcome will eventually be and to trust the natural process by standing back to watch everything unfold.  One final thought; your leadership legacy is not governed by your title nor your authority, it is determined by your ability to lead with love.

The Universe is a Dick!

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go perfectly wrong? It’s as if it doesn’t matter what you do, it feels like someone or something is conspiring against you…. like you’re being punished for something that you’ve done. About ten years ago, I got a phone call from one of my clients who was in a tough spot and he really needed to talk. He shared the following. He’d moved interstate to follow his heart, took a job offer which fell through, got evicted from his rental property and got a call from his mother to tell him that his father was on his deathbed. He booked a plane ticket home so he could go visit his father in hospital but before he got on the plane, his girlfriend…the one he followed his heart for letting him know she was no longer in love with him and had been seeing another man. Lost for words at the sheer volume of unfortunate events that had coincided I waited for him to break the silence. He simply said, “the universe is a dick”. On this point, at the time, I couldn’t disagree with him or offer any form of wisdom to counter it…so I readily adopted the phrase.

For a while, it sort of worked to shrug things off. It was a throw-away line that introduced some humour but also helped externalise what was going on. More recently, however, I’ve become increasingly aware of how framing your experience as the ‘will of the universe’ diminishes your own sense of responsibility and accountability. In other words, if I personify the universe as this entity that controls everything that happens to me, I’m very much at the mercy of the universe and any effort spent by me is therefore fruitless. In psychology, Julian Rotter called this having an external locus of control. If a person has an external locus of control, they tend to attribute the outcome to factors beyond their influence, such as the universe or god or somebody else’s fault. In contrast, those that have an internal locus of control tend to take ownership of the outcomes attributing their success or failure to their own actions. There is a body of research that suggests people with an external locus of control are happier in general because they hold a belief that there is something ‘bigger’ at play behind the fortunate and unfortunate events that transpire in their life. It’s a convenient answer to the problem that every single human being faces at some point or another, why do I exist? what does it all mean? and what am I hear to do? While I can’t answer the questions for you, I can indeed offer a perspective that might contribute to where you eventually decide to land.

The brain’s role

Indeed, what differentiates humans from other species in the animal kingdom is our consciousness and intelligence. What underpins our apparent advantage is the constant curiosity about the world and what it all means. From Darwin’s origin of species to Einstein’s theory of relativity, our brains arm us with this incredible curiosity to make it all make sense. My perspective; this insatiable need to explain every aspect of our world is the cause for much of the emptiness that people feel in modern society.

Shit happens whether you are in the driver’s seat or not. It’s what you make it mean that gets in the way. Horrible things happen to awesome people every single day...does it mean that the universe is ‘against’ them? Were they not a good person in a past life? Are they being punished for their bad behaviour? Is it bad Karma for treating others with disrespect?

The same could be said of someone who achieves greatness in the sporting arena, they can often be seen with arms outstretched looking to the skies offering their thanks to a power greater than themselves. They have attributed a portion of their success to the universe, their god or a higher being that they believe is in control of ‘the master plan’.

What’s really going on?

Take a gambler, for example, they may sit for hours on end at a poker machine anticipating the moment that they will become a winner. They create a ‘system’ for recognising patterns that they swear by. When they do have a win, it confirms their belief….we know this as the gambler’s fallacy. In fact, the gambler is suffering from a form of cognitive bias which lures the gambler into believing that their chances of winning are much higher than probability suggests. While many of us aren’t suffering from a gambling problem, the phenomenon Apophenia is another form of cognitive bias that can help explain why we need to make things ‘mean’ something. Apophenia is the human tendency to make connections between things that are otherwise unrelated. We’ve all experienced what’s commonly known as Murphy’s law or Sod’s law. This is the belief that if something is going to go wrong, it will. In fact, there is no scientific basis to explain this phenomenon other than how our brains draw connections between otherwise unrelated events.

Why do we do this?

In every culture, ancient and modern, the need to make sense of our world has been documented in myth. Joseph Campbell’s brilliant work details the patterns associated with how humans choose to document their existence over time. He mapped this common thread to articulate what we now know to be the ‘Hero’s Journey’. This pattern of storytelling is so strongly imprinted in the human psyche that movies such as Star Wars, The Matrix and Lord of the Rings can all attribute their box office success in part to Joseph Campbell’s work. In addition to our comfort with well-crafted stories, the degree to which you feel in control over outcomes or events in your life i.e. locus of control is a significant factor.

What’s the bottom line?

In my experience, when horrible things happen to me or somebody that I love, there is an overwhelming need to declare it as unfair. Feeling ripped off or hard done by is part of being human, but it really isn’t helpful. Having helped many people work through various challenges, the sooner somebody can get to the point of objectively observing what happens without judgement or the need to explain it or justify it, the better. As cold and detached as it sounds, people die, bad things happen but life goes on. If you attach meaning to what happens, you’ll spend the rest of your life in a washing machine of emotional turmoil.

How can I stop giving things meaning?

Once people recognise what’s going on, I feel it’s important to provide a practical way to help manage the challenge that comes with the insight that life is somewhat meaningless. A great technique I use is to recall an event as though it is a movie that you can pause, rewind, fast-forward or put in slow motion as desired. The trick here is to ensure that you watch the movie as though you were a critic, being as objective as possible. In doing this, you note exactly what was said (not what you thought was said), exactly what happened (not what you think happened). While this sounds easy, you’ll likely struggle to disentangle your tendency to hear what you want to hear, see what you want to see and recall events in a way that supports your conclusions. If you can just watch the ‘movie’ play out and press pause when needed, you’ll find you can take things as they are, rather than extrapolate meaning.

My insight

While I still experience the ups and downs that come with life, I no longer personify the universe by labelling it as a dick. I don’t believe that there is an almighty being writing the script that will be my life, nor that the universe is conspiring to help me achieve my purpose. The only dick featured in my past was me….not wanting to take responsibility for my own actions, accountability for my choices and choosing to blame others (or the universe) when bad things transpire. The insight experienced by the storytellers on the TV series ‘I shouldn’t be alive’ is remarkably similar for everyone, despite them having very different stories to tell. They all say they have gratitude for being alive, being able to smile, to laugh, to be with those that they love and have the freedom to make choices. There is rarely a reason or explanation behind why things happen, stop wasting your time trying to figure it all out and simply live.

5 Reasons why perspective matters

I distinctly remember the first time I created a sculpture.My art teacher had decided that a boy in our class who suffered from rheumatoidarthritis would need to sit on a chair positioned on top of the tables so wecould all observe him as our “subject”. I remember feeling sorry for the guy ashe was mildly disfigured due to his disease. I wasn’t sure if the teacher hadasked him to be the subject for this reason…. or had he nominated himself tohave a whole class full of students use his body as the subject matter fortheir sculpture. He didn’t seem to be phased by the request so I relaxed intothe task at hand. Having never done sculpture before, I was curious as to how Icould create a great sculpture. We were using clay and I found that I couldmake my figure interesting from one side only to find that the other sidelooked horrible. This push and pull became a little frustrating and seemed tobe an ineffective way to create a masterpiece. Feeling a little miffed with theexercise, I heard my teacher say “your challenge is to make your sculptureinteresting from every single angle. You need to let the piece emerge as youcontinuously refine your interpretation of the subject”. For whatever reason,what she said clicked for me. I’d been trying to create a three-dimensionalsculpture by observing the subject, my mate with rheumatoid arthritis, from asingle perspective. It prompted me to get up and move around the subject andexplore how he looked from every angle. As a result, I was able to create afantastic sculpture that was unique and interesting from every single anglethat you looked at it.

"Unfortunately, the perspective taken in many cases is unidimensional, fixed in their seat and only observing the subject from a single point of view. The result, an uninspired piece of work that is dull with little impact on the observer."

Every time I’m stuck on a problem, helping my kids with achallenge, working through a solution with a client or even observing someoneelse’s artwork in a gallery, I always think back to that experience I had whenI first attempted to create a sculpture.

Indeed, I use sculpting as a metaphor in leadershipdevelopment, self-development, culture. In all of these areas, we are aiming tosculpt something be it a great leader, a better version of ourselves or aculture that everyone would love to work in. Unfortunately, the perspectivetaken in many cases is unidimensional, fixed in their seat and only observingthe subject from a single point of view. The result, an uninspired piece ofwork that is dull with little impact on the observer. In an organisationalcontext, these are the run of the mill ‘leadership development’ courses thatare a ‘feel good’ fiesta for a couple of days but ultimately develop nothing.  Or a self-development course that enables youto feel better about yourself but see everyone else in a negative light. Orworse still, the culture ‘change’ program that promises to change so much thatnothing changes at all….at least not before the environment organically changesfirst.

What’s my perspective on all of this? Get more perspective!It’s way too easy to put the blinkers on and see things from a familiar, triedand tested viewpoint. If you always see a problem, in the same way, you’re veryunlikely to develop novel solutions. In fact, when you take a different perspective,you might not see it as a problem at all!

One tool that I love to use with clients (and myself) iscalled the ‘5 perspectives tool’ (thanks to David Drake for creating the tool).When an individual or team is stuck on a problem, the ‘5 perspectives tool’ isa great way to help them get unstuck and see things from a different angle. It’sa very simple method to generate multiple viewpoints where there are seeminglyno options left. Start by writing down your problem or challenge in the centreof your page then draw 5 spokes representing other perspectives you could taketo describe the same problem or challenge. You’d be surprised how hard it is togenerate more than 3 perspectives and to get the 4^th and 5^thcan be exponentially more difficult.

This tool reminds me of that first experience I had creatinga sculpture. It helps me see things from every angle and ensure that myinterpretation is a well-considered, ‘interesting from all angles’ solution.

 One final perspectiveI’ll leave you with, most problems that we are facing a no bigger than a grainof sand. It’s just that our focus is so intently fixed on the grain of sandthat we can’t see anything beyond it. If we are bold enough to step back andsee the bigger picture, our problems become no more than a grain of sand on abeach that is barely perceptible in this vast universe. If you’re up for the challengeof becoming a better leader, better version of yourself or shaping a betterorganisational culture, have the courage to step back and see the biggerpicture. You might surprise yourself and end up creating a masterpiece.

There's only one version of me...isn't there?

Abe the clown performing. Photo Taken by Bruce Hart

When I was seven, I recall spending my Sundays at the Lismore car-boot market, following closely behind a street performing clown named ABE Bazzan. While there were many other children doing the same thing, there was a difference for me; that clown was my dad. It was quite confusing to see my dad transform from the person that I knew into an eccentric, larger than life character, who was totally and unrecognisably different. While I tried to enjoy the clown show, I couldn’t help but know that it was my dad underneath the mask, the clothes, the raspy voice, and the bizarre character. I got to experience the ‘post-show analysis’ which is another way of describing the painful process of counting coins that had been deposited in his busking tin at the end of the show. Rarely was the energy and passion with which he performed met with commensurate payment. What was more alarming, was the sadness that often sat with my dad after the shows. Somehow, performing as an alter-ego to the delight of others, sapped my dad of his energy leaving him flat and empty.

In many ways, we all put our clown costume on in readiness to perform for the audience. The difference being, our mask is our persona and the audience is often our work or our family and friends.

ABE counting counting coins after completing a show. Photograph taken by Bruce Hart

ABE having a quick drink before continuing his performance. Photograph taken by Bruce Hart

I recall a conversation with my dad when I was a teenager that revolved around some of his insights as a clown. He shared with me that one of the hardest jobs in the world was to be a clown…not due to the demands of performing but more-so due to the emotional burden carried by the role. The irony is, when people watch a clown, they see a symbol of comedy, a licence to laugh and an opportunity to release themselves from the moment. On the flip side, while dad was performing for the crowd what he could see was a deep sadness in people that was unveiled in the presence of his alter-ego. You see, the clown mask and costume that my dad wore enabled him to see people for who they really were because the clown was a joke, a symbol, a character that casts no judgement and makes us laugh. I guess what this did for my dad was get him more aware of how similar we all are when we front-up to the world. In many ways, we all put our clown costume on in readiness to perform for the audience. The difference being, our mask is our persona and the audience is often our work or our family and friends.

Why is this important?

In one of my recent articles ‘What’s your story’, I focussed on the necessity of regularly asking yourself what is most important. In my work as a coach and facilitator, I often ask people, “what is most important to you right now”. The answer is usually prefaced with “do you mean at work…. or at home”. The answer implies a distinction between how one makes decisions at work vs personally. For me, this is indicative of an underlying belief that who we are, depends on the situation we are in. Or put another way, how we choose to respond is dependent on our context. Taking this one step further, given the situation is always evolving, are we to then assume that the number of personas that we master must equal the situations that we are presented with? I don’t know about you but that sounds like a whole lot of hard work…and I’m exhausted just thinking about it. I get that we need to be respectful and accommodating but when it comes to what’s most important, it shouldn’t vary too much from one context to another.

Dad is now retired aged 77 and is suffering from a terminal illness. About 6 months ago, he mentioned that he was feeling more at peace with himself. He explained that throughout his life, he was always an entertainer. He would play music at parties, perform on stage, act in amateur theatre, was a puppeteer, clown, and musician. I often felt that he was even performing for me at home to lift my spirits or help me through a challenge I was facing. What he went on to express gave me some deep insight, not just into my dad, but human psychology. You see, dad always struggled to simply show up as himself. He was a little awkward in social settings, misunderstood in work contexts and didn’t really know how to ‘be’ as a father. When I asked him “Why are you more at peace with yourself now Dad?” he simply replied with, “I just want to be me”. As strange as it sounds, I think what dad expressed is at the core of what most of us want. The simplicity to just ‘be’ who we are without having to perform a certain way. The irony with this is that dad is now more creative and alive than he has ever been simply because he is spending his energy on what he loves doing, not on how he thinks he should be performing in the world.

What’s the lesson in this?

I think we all play the clown or performer to a certain extent. It protects us from being vulnerable and showing the world who we really are. I know I’m certainly guilty of it at times and work hard to keep myself in check. For some reading this, they might think of this as an overly philosophical view of the world. My retort, if we live life through a filter determined by the current context when do we show up as ourselves…if at all? Imagine if all the energy you spent on being a certain way at work, at home or with friends was directed toward your creative potential through ideas, learning and developing?

In closing, I wanted to share that Dad was an amazing clown and performer (one of the best I’ve ever seen). I often wonder how far his genius could have taken him if he had gained the confidence and insight to simply be himself when he was in his prime. His gift to me, and in turn to all of you is to share that there is only one version of who you are, warts and all. Recognise this for yourself, do it quickly and the rest will take care of itself.

'Crazy Busy' is bullshit

It’s Wednesday morning, you’ve dragged yourself out of bed following a restless night due to an ever expanding to-do list that seems to be spiraling out of control. After gulping down your first coffee for the day, you battle the rush-hour traffic before launching yourself into the first of a series of back to back meetings that prevent you from tackling your to-do list, which by now has almost doubled. By 3pm you’re on your 3^rd coffee and bunkering down for a long evening as your boss kindly reminded you that since they are flying out tomorrow for a conference, they need your presentation pack no later than 9:00am so they can review it. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, your good mate texts you to confirm dinner plans that you’ve forgotten about. After replying with an apologetic text letting them know you won’t be able to make it, you focus-in on what needs to be done and power through your work. By the time you get home, it’s after 10, and you’re too tired to eat dinner. In fact, the only thing you can think about is retiring on the couch with a glass of wine and your favourite show on Netflix. If you’ve been quietly nodding to yourself while reading this, it’s likely that you’re not focusing on what’s most important to you. Unfortunately, the above scenario, or similar variant, is an all too common story for many people. What’s worse, it’s actually considered ‘normal’ and in some cases applauded or worn as a badge of honour.

"My advice; if you’re one of those ‘crazy busy’ people that smashes through your day, stop right now as it’s killing you"

When working with people that are wantingto improve their performance, productivity or personal wellbeing I like to askthem a simple but powerful question; “What’s most important to you right now?”.While some people take some time to respond, the answer rarely relates to ato-do list or even work related tasks. Not surprisingly, people refer to theirfamily, friends, making a meaningful contribution, doing what they love andinvesting in their health and wellbeing.  You might then ask, “Why don’t people investtime on what they know is most important?”. You might even be thinking thatit’s all well and good to want to spend time with family and friends in lieu ofyour to-do list but will that lead you to success? Most people grit theirteeth, battle through and gravitate toward the ‘crazy busy’ whirlwind of lifein the fast lane. My advice; if you’re one of those ‘crazy busy’ people thatsmashes through your day, stop right now as it’s killing you. Moreover, byburning the candle at both ends, you are less likely to be successful in yourjob and in life. In a recent article published in the HBR, Stew Friedman introduceshis research which concludes that great performers make their personal lives apriority. Somewhat counterintuitively they enhance their performance at work byfocusing on what is meaningful in their lives, by staying true to themselvesand making sure they are aligned to their purpose.

So what can you do?

One final thought to leave you with. Dropthe belief that you need to be a certain way, meet somebody else’s expectationor ‘push through’ to be successful. Sustainable performance and harmony canonly be achieved when you align who you are (warts and all) with what you do. 

• The first step is to gainawareness or get present to how you are operating. Do this by noticing how yourespond when people ask how you are. Do you respond honestly or do you simplythrow a “I’m crazy busy” cliché back at them.
• Secondly, once you gainawareness, you need to get really clear about what is most important to you. Ifthis is hard or you’re drawing a blank, think about someone you love and startthere.
• Thirdly, and definitely themost difficult, ask yourself frequently “right now, what is most important tome?”. This is likely to highlight gaps for you but it will also keep youhonest.
• Lastly, if you go down the pathof justifying why being ‘crazy busy’ is a good thing, I’d like to appeal toyour more practical side and ask that you stop bullshitting yourself (this ismy technical term for it).

If you could use a little help navigating your way through the 'crazy busy' nature of your world, let's connect.

The coach as 'tracker'

A simple search for ‘coach’ on LinkedIn throws back over 1.5 million matches. Given the popularity of the title ‘coach’ and how it varies from person to person, I thought I’d weigh in by providing my perspective.What is a coach?Simply put, a coach is a person that listens without judgement and facilitates a fluid conversation to help you gain clarity. There is nothing magic or special about this process but it does require great skill to be an effective coach. A great coach will pick up on your ‘true’ self and keep following the trail you leave and nudging you back on course when you deviate.What to expect from a coach?While there are many ways to look at this, in any coaching conversation I aim to achieve a true connection with the coachee. This can only be done by being 100% present and in the moment with that person. There also has to be an element of adaptability within the coach and coachee as while we might want to plan a coaching conversation from beginning to end, very often, the fluidity of the conversation unearths new areas to explore. So,  you can expect to:1) Be challenged in a way that you hadn't necessarily planned for.2) Have someone guide you back to what matters most and where you should be focussing your attention3) Be engaged in a conversation with yourself that you normally don't make time for i.e. being real about what's going on.How will you know things are progressing?When asked to describe coaching, I like to use the analogy of a bush tracker. A tracker’s objective is to identify and follow the trail of someone or something until they can locate their exact position. To the untrained eye, a tracker can appear to be ‘lost’ or not following a trail at all. A beautiful example of this was illustrated in the Australian film 'The Tracker' where a young police officer questioned a seasoned tracker’s ability to locate their target accusing the tracker of leading them off course into the desert, potentially to their demise. In reply to the challenge, the seasoned tracker, with his steely eyes and unrelenting focus, simply pointed forward and said “that way” . To demonstrate how he knew which way to go, the tracker got down close to the ground and pointed to a tiny rock, not more than a centimetre wide, which had been kicked over just one quarter of a turn. In amazement, the young police officer asked “That’s all you need”? and off they went. This had a profound impact on me as so often people are looking for the ‘big’ answer or the ‘high impact’ sign to let them know they are on track. When you slow things down and truly listen, it’s the small seemingly insignificant clues that illuminate the way forward.Like a tracker seeking their target, a coach is helping you hone in on your true self, the path you desire most and the direction you need to take in your life. A skilled coach is able to recognise the small ‘stones’ you kick over and ensure you stay on course.What benefits will come from coaching? As coaching expands as an industry, so does the evidence supporting the benefits of coaching. Executive coaching has been found increase workplace wellbeing, goal attainment and resilience while decreasing stress and anxiety (Grant, Curtayne &  Burton, 2009). Gallup, a global leader in strengths based management, has conducted research demonstrating that increases in profit,  sales, customer engagement, employee engagement and reductions in turnover and safety incidents can all be linked back to strengths based coaching and management practices (Rigoni & Asplund, 2016). In addition to the growing body of quantitative evidence supporting executive coaching as a highly effective intervention, qualitative data suggests coachees experience an increase in self awareness, confidence, clarity, alignment to purpose and life satisfaction. Certainly with my own clients, coaching can be a highly profound, deeply personal process that creates significant positive change. All of my clients would agree that it isn't easy, but well worth the effort.Is coaching for everyone?My personal experience with coaching has taught me that the benefits a coachee receives are directly proportional to their readiness and willingness to be coached. For those that are willing and ready, coaching can be an amazing opportunity to bring forward decisions, tap into their true abilities and achieve their greatest aspirations. Beyond success, a coach’s greatest gift they can give a person is allowing them to fully embrace all of who they are and not be ashamed to show the world.If you'd like to explore how coaching might benefit you or someone you know, give me a call! ReferencesGrant, A., Frith, L., Burton, G. (2009). Executive coaching enhances goal attainment, resilience and workplace well-being: a randomised controlled study. The Journal of Positive Psychology: dedicated to furthering research and promoting good practice, 4(5), 396-407.Rigoni, B., Asplund, J. (2016). Coaches: Essential to building strengths-based companies. Gallup Business Journal, December 2016.

We all need a bit of True Perspective

About five years ago, I was working with a talented CEO to help increase the effectiveness of their organisation. After measuring the organisation’s engagement and debriefing the executive team on the scores, we agreed that rolling out team workshops with all employees was the best next step. Throughout the process of rolling out the workshops, it became blatantly obvious that leaders and their teams were not skilled at or ready to have honest conversations with each other.During one of our coaching sessions, the CEO confessed that the executive team were amongst the worst offenders when it came to telling each other what they wanted to hear vs what they needed to hear.  Moreover, the CEO was pretty certain with each of the executives, rarely did they present the truth or raise difficult matters. When it comes down to it, as human beings we fear conflict and our brains have evolved to avoid threat at all costs i.e. fight or flight response. Due to this, we are really good at pussyfooting around issues, avoiding conflict and overall, keeping the peace. While this feels good in the moment, it ultimately delays the inevitable; addressing the elephant in the room. In behavioural economics, this is a form of cognitive bias known as system justification or more simply put, maintaining the status quo because that is perceived as 'easier' than the alternative.This common truth that people generally don’t like to have difficult conversations illustrates one of the biggest paradoxes I’ve come across in human behaviour. That is, we are all seeking to be the best version of ourselves, asking for feedback in order to increase our performance, in yet when asked to provide our perspective, we retreat back to safety in order to preserve our relationships. If you want some True Perspective, you need to be willing to give it.As an organisational psychologist and performance coach, I help people gain True Perspective. True Perspective is the balance between how you view yourself with how others view you. In other words, when you have true perspective the status quo is challenged, the vail is lifted and for the first time you’ll be able to see yourself the way the rest of the world does.Here are a couple of points to note:

• Be warned, True Perspective may be hard to hear and you may not like what you ‘see in the mirror’ but it’s what you do what that True Perspective that matters
• If you want True Perspective, be willing to give it back to others. If you aren’t willing to have the honest conversation with others, they won’t bother having it with you.
• If you think you already have True Perspective and you don’t need it, you’re most likely deluded. Like everything that takes expertise, you can’t practice this on your own. Due to our ‘clever’ brains, we can’t gauge our own True Perspective. It has to come from an objective source.
• If you love giving True Perspective but ‘shut the door’ on any that comes back your way I challenge you to challenge yourself first, then challenge others.

Maybe the most eloquent description of True Perspective comes from none other than literary genius Isaac Asimov in his quote- "People say 'It's as plain as the nose on your face.' But how much of the nose on your face can you see, unless someone holds a mirror up to you?”