Change = Death = Life
Full expression, in my opinion, is a representation of thehighest form of intelligence and why we are continuously drawn to those that canachieve full expression in their chosen field. From business leaders, athletes,musicians, sculptors, entrepreneurs, inventors, painters, poets, writers, and actors.Their uniqueness is undeniable, their genius fills us with curiosity and awebut the one thing we all share is the inevitability of facing death. Be it ourown death, that of a family member or friend or even somebody we don’tpersonally know but know of. Death and the change that it brings is an inevitablepart of life.
Like everyone, I’ve faced some tough and unusual situationsin my life thus far but one experience that has me stumped is facing death. Iwas largely spared this experience until I was 29 years old. I’d already had 4kids by that stage but somehow managed to evade facing the emotional challengeof death. Obviously, I had indirectly experienced death, but the emotionalimpact was something I was yet to feel. Like the saying ‘seeing is believing’ whenit comes to emotions ‘feeling is understanding’. I recall the moment I learnedof my Grandfather’s death. I was very objective and matter-of-fact about it.Intellectually, I was upset, but I didn’t feel anything initially. At first, Ithought there was something wrong with me as if I was cold and lacking emotion.It was 5 days after he died when I was delivering my eulogy, mid-sentencehalfway through the first paragraph that I started to feel the undeniable vacuumcreated by the void in my heart. I suddenly started to feel like I was implodingas if disappearing into the abyss of a black hole. Paralysed with confusion,unable to speak, I basically lost the plot and experienced the inevitablechange that comes with staring into the mirror of death.
Brett Whiteley, a master of translating life into art, was oneof my favourite artists of all time. I was a keen art student at high schooland spent many hours studying Whiteley’s work and while doing so, I stumbledacross the following statement CHANGE = DEATH.At first glance, it appears to be somewhat morbid and potentially a by-product ofhis well-documented drug abuse. Upon deeper reflection, the simplicity of thisinsight offers an explanation of why change continues to be the greatestinstigator of fear and resistance in our lives. With all change, comes death atone point or another. The challenge for us all is that when someone orsomething dies (i.e. ceases to exist) be it a person, job, relationship or idea,we struggle to see beyond the starkness of it ceasing. We aren’t taught toembrace the unknown, change that necessarily stems from the death of someone orsomething, which in essence, is a fundamental part of life.
"With all change, comes death at one point or another. The challenge for us all is that when someone or something dies (i.e. ceases to exist) be it a person, job, relationship or idea, we struggle to see beyond the starkness of it ceasing."
In organisations, we are constantly facing change. ThroughBrett Whiteley’s artistic lens, this change represents death, death ofsomething and with that comes the need to accept and let go. I’d like to build uponBrett Whiteley’s expression by adding life into the equation. The result is asfollows, CHANGE = DEATH = LIFE. Thework of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross describes the 5stages of grief which has since been adapted by John Fisher and relabelled asthe organisational change curve. While originally inspired by work withterminally ill patients, the applicability of this model to help people acceptand work through changes within an organisational context has proven to be verypowerful.
Why is it that we resist change so fiercely? This simpleanswer, it’s hard and it hurts. For the more scientifically robust answer, I’lldefer to the work of Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky regarding loss aversion.Through their work on behavioural economics, we know that the loss ofsatisfaction associated with losing $100 is greater than the gain insatisfaction associated with winning $100. In simple terms, we find it harderto let things go than it is to receive. Have you ever noticed what happens whenthe CFO decides to restrict access to stationary? Take away the weekly fruitdelivery? Or limit the selection of tea people have to choose from? Thebitching and moaning this causes, not to mention the loss in productivity, isfar greater than the positive affect created when the benefits were first introduced!
Like many of you, right now, I’m facing the prospect of deathin my family, change in my work, and transition in my personal life. While itnever gets easier, embracing death, change, and transition as a part of lifeenables me to stay curious and open. The comfort seeking aspect of me sodesperately wants everything to be stable, constant and without change. This,we all know is a luxury that cannot be granted in a universe that is infinitelyexpanding. Aside from the obvious, we all seek change and progress, we just don’twant to acknowledge the mirror image of that….death.
The sooner we stop seeking for things to be stable, constantand without change, the better. The reconciliation of death, moving on, and lettinggo will be far less confronting, and we might find that managing change will bea less challenging process too.
Stop watching from the sidelines and get amongst it!
I’m a full-blown unapologetic martial arts fan. Everybodywho knows me understands that regardless of what form, what country, whatlanguage, if it involves two people duelling it out using their bodies todefeat their opponent, then I’m in….and I’m not the only one.
When I was about 11 years old, I recall being at home ‘sick’(which may or may not have been legitimate) and decided to rent some videosfrom the local video store (my 4 kids still find it crazy that I used tophysically walk to the store and rent a video cassette that I had to physicallyput in a machine before I could watch a movie). They had a special on at thetime so you could rent 7 ‘weekly’ movies for $7. I was drawn to the martialarts section so decided to load up on some Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee…….and soit began.
Bruce Lee soon became my hero and while there weren’t anyKung Fu schools in Lismore, I started doing Karate. I continued with martialarts for a couple of years but then life got in the way, I moved to a new house,changed schools and all of my extra-curricular activities altered too.
Fast forward 23 years, marriage, 4 kids, 2 degrees and abusy career, my love affair with martial arts was even stronger but I was atotal observer. My wife and I decided that Karate would be great for our kids asit offered some strong values, taught them confidence, kept them physicallyactive and enabled them to further reinforce their Japanese language skills….allpositive. Deep down, I had another agenda and that was to live out my fantasyof being a martial arts superstar vicariously through my kids. My weekends soonbecame peppered with karate tournaments, seminars, demonstrations and tests ofcourage. I was in heaven….all while watching from the sidelines behind mycamcorder.
Every now and then, someone would ask, “have you ever donekarate?” or “have you thought about joining?”. I would always answer in a predictablematter of fact way. “Yeah….I did it when I was a kid but you know….life tookover so had to quit” and “I’m a bit old for it now….maybe when I was in mytwenties, but not now”. The truth is, I desperately wanted to join but I hadthis bullshit story going on in my head that people would laugh at me and thatI wouldn’t be able to find the time. My body was stiff as hell from years ofsitting hunched over a desk so the thought of trying to kick at head height wasinsane! I could just imagine my hip joint popping out of its socket and neverbeing able to walk again! So….I dutifully dropped off my kids and picked themup 3 times a week, took them to tournaments, pushed them to fight, massagedtheir injuries, encouraged them to continue when it got hard, etc. But…. I wasstill observing from the sideline.
"The truth is, I desperately wanted to join but I had this bullshit story going on in my head that people would laugh at me and that I wouldn’t be able to find the time."
About 4 years ago, I was sitting with a client one morningand he mentioned that he’d just come from his dojo, where he had been training.He proceeded to explain how he got into martial arts, through taking his kidsalong and decided to stop watching from the sidelines and give it a go. Thiswas the spark that I needed, the prod that I was looking for……but I stilldidn’t join.
Three years ago, I made the decision to join Karate and, get out of my own way. Making the decision wasn’t enough, you see, the karate that my kids and I do (Shinkyokushinkai) is known as the strongest form of karate in the world because of it’s gruelling training regimen and physical conditioning techniques. The style is designed for full contact bouts so fighting is a core component of learning Shinkyokushinkai. I quickly learned that that the decision that I’d made wasn’t at all the hard part…the training was. Many have questioned the training methods and the constant push to improve one’s capability but I’ve come to love the will, mentality, and spirit that is at the core of Shinkyokushinkai. The literal translation of Shinkyokushinkai means the ultimate truth. When you are exhausted, are fighting someone bigger and stronger than you and can barely stand….that’s when you start to appreciate what the ‘ultimate truth’ is all about. In a nutshell, it’s about never giving up. Always having a go and mustering up the courage to push through what you thought wasn’t possible. If you're still wondering how this might be relevant, I’ve often heard HR directors and CEOs refer to leadership and business as a ‘contact sport’ respectively. It wasn’t until I engaged in a full-on combat sport, that I started to appreciate the meaning behind their words. You can't lead people or run a business through observing on the sidelines, you need to get amongst it and sometimes this results in a bloody nose.
"You can't lead people or run a business through observing on the sidelines, you need to get amongst it and sometimes this results in a bloody nose."
What often looks like a mindless brawl is a test of will,courage, and spirit between two people that understand the benefit of challengingthemselves against someone worthy. Through my studies of martial arts andcombined years of a collective admiration of those in my dojo and famousfigures alike, I’d like to invite you to explore in yourself the following insightsthat practicing martial arts has taught me to live by.
Never give up.This insight is pretty simple and doesn’t really need an explanation. I knowthere is an academic argument for when it makes sense to give up. etc. etc.Basically, it’s all rubbish. Giving up is an expression of ‘it’s too hard’ or‘I don’t like it anymore’ or ‘I’m not seeing the progress that I want to’ or‘it’s a big-time commitment’. To this, I say, bullshit. Get over yourself andget on with it. If you’ve got a broken hand, don’t punch with that fist. Ifyou’re sick, don’t push yourself too hard. This is not about hurting yourself;it’s about showing up. Too often, we willingly take the easy road becausethat’s what most people do.
It’s about consistency and frequency. It never comes down to a single bout, test, grading, belt, competition or training session. It’s about weaving together your decision to live by your ‘ultimate truth’ in every moment. There is nothing magical about it….just hard work and persistence. I’ve worked with thousands of people that have expressed their most compelling aspirations to me, yet aren’t willing to do what it takes to make it come to life. It’s in those moments that you know most people would give up….and if you did, nobody would judge you. Those moments are the turning points or thresholds that you need to cross within yourself. Some might question how to recognise such a moment….to them I say, if all of you wants to run and hide then you’ve found it….you need to stare yourself down and persevere.
Keep showing up and making progress. I know not everyone likes combat sports so my suggestion isn’t to go join your local dojo (although I highly recommend it and guarantee you will discover ‘the truth’…whatever that means to you). I do, however, invite you to stop watching from the sidelines, encouraging others, living in a fantasy world or putting everyone else first. Who cares if you’re crap or don’t know what you’re doing or even if you look like an idiot. It’s through the process of having a go that you’ll discover what drives you, what scares you and what sparks something powerful. It’s about making progress and pursuing a better version of yourself, every day. I
If you'd like to learn more about how I can help you step into life, stop being an observer and start developing who you are, make contact with me here or book in a free 30 min chat to kick start things for you.
The Magic of Fire
It felt late at night, I glanced at my watch to discover that it was only 8:47pm. There was something magical about fire…how it soothes one's soul, warms one's heart and calms one's mind. While it seemed as though I'd been staring into its playful rhythm for hours on end…barely 10 minutes had passed. It was a cold still night, and earlier I'd decided to build a nice campfire to lift my spirits following on from the past couple of days. This trip was supposed to be my chance to get away from it all and enrich myself with the basics, experiencing nature and eating simple food. Instead, I'd spent two days enduring some fierce weather that involved gale force winds, horizontal rain and less than ideal temperatures. Having endured all that mother nature could throw at me, it felt natural to want to enrich my experience by building a fire.
A task I normally take for granted, turned out to be a challenge that I hadn't anticipated. What is normally as easy as striking a match was now being hindered by the environment, a cold, wet and overall unpleasant campsite. I couldn't help but get annoyed with myself as I brought this suffering into my world. As it happened, the holiday I was seeking turned into the challenge that preventing me from experiencing the nourishment that I thought I so desperately needed. How is it that my planned escape from reality would unearth a new level of suffering when I was meant to be enjoying myself?.... Wrong question! At that point, I realised, by questioning why I wasn't enjoying myself I was becoming a victim of the situation, held hostage to the weather. I could only blame myself which ultimately, led me to more suffering. The better question to ask myself turned out to be far simpler. I was bloody cold, my socks were wet and I was getting more depressed by the minute. I really needed to make a fire…but it seemed hopeless. The right question was "Based on this crappy situation where all the kindling is wet and I have no dry wood, how do I get a bloody fire started?" It was at this point…at the threshold of giving up that it clicked for me. I discovered the magic of fire…..even in the absence of a flame.
"The right question was "Based on this crappy situation where all the kindling is wet and I have no dry wood, how do I get a bloody fire started?" It was at this point…at the threshold of giving up that it clicked for me. I discovered the magic of fire…..even in the absence of a flame."
After gorging myself with toasted marshmallows and hot chocolate the night before, I emerge from my not so dry tent to a smouldering pile of ash with no wood to get the fire started again. The reality was, my environment was constantly shifting and there was a rhythm within the complexity of the shift. Once I'd been camping for a week, I finally got into the discipline of searching for wood the day before I needed it, knowing that I'd be able to capitalise on the hot embers from the previous night in order to build up the fire again the following day. My focus had now shifted from creating fire to one of sustaining fire.
A fire has the power to mesmerize the most active mind and inspire hope in those that feel demoralised. The challenge to get a fire started is fuelled by anticipation of what that fire will create for you. I'd argue that one of the most powerful skills a person can ever learn is how to generate a fire both literally and figuratively. It is a fire that provides us with warmth, the ability to cook our food and provide light for us to see. Regardless of what is happening around you, a fire has an uncanny ability to bring people together in a way that encourages friendship and collaboration.
My experience got me thinking about organisational culture and more specifically, how we create that same magic that fire inspires in a business context.
Most organisational change stories can be linked back to a visionary CEO that paved we way through great leadership and a relentless focus on people. Unfortunately, like in the academic world, we don't ever hear about the many hundreds of unsuccessful experiments that never got published but simply hear about the one or two success stories that gain notoriety. Similarly, in the right conditions, the simple flick of a match can set fire to a blaze that can burn brilliantly without much effort whatsoever. The Australian bushland is notorious for its catastrophic bush fires that can even be a result of a rogue lightning strike.
In contrast, a deliberate and orchestrated change in culture is all too often met with an insurmountable brick wall that further reinforces that change is hard, not for the faint-hearted, fails more often than it succeeds and for most…can't really be changed despite what all the culture change specialists tell us. Culture evolution on the other hand (non-deliberate) simply represents reality, the very nature of how we and the organisation as a system operate. It will change and must change…. regardless of how deliberately we direct or sculpt the shift. The distinction here is that the culture of an organisation is always changing whether we like it or not. The issue with traditional culture change is that it follows a linear ( from x to y, time 1 to time 2) change process for something that is constantly changing anyway. Simply put, if you know it's about to rain do you wash your car? If you're about to move to a new house would you change the layout of your bedroom? If your organisation is about to go through a restructure do you pull everyone together for a team building offsite?
Back to my analogy of fire……too often, culture is limited to a discussion that revolves around the immediate environment and what you get from it…be it experience or tangible "stuff". My desk, my fruit, my massage fairies, my manager, my team, my tasks, my car space, my salary, my processes, my systems…and the list goes on. How we currently conceptualise culture and the change we aspire to create is very much about what people "get" as a result of the change. WIIFM is the approach that most consultancies and HR practitioners use to determine if people are going to jump on board the rusty old change bus they so religiously keep refuelling year after year. The reality is, the sooner that we see the environment as something that either fuels or hinders our culture, the better. In order to create something sustainable, the environment (emotional and physical) needs to be recognised as:
- Constantly in a state of flux and change so nothing stays the same
- A critical factor that influences my mindset, behaviour, and success
- Something that is within my control to enhance
When camping, fire is an essential ingredient to ensure that one returns home feeling fully rejuvenated. Ever tried camping in the rain? More specifically, ever tried lighting a fire when you are camping and it just so happens to be raining? Yeah……not the most fun you've had I'm sure. What's more, is the need for fire when it's raining is so much greater. You are most likely wet and cold and can't find any dry wood….so it's hard to get that first spark going. Even if you do happen to get a flame going, keeping it going is even harder!
Applying this thinking within organisations, we are only ever setting camp up temporarily (ok so I'm sure there are a few ‘lifers' out there challenging this notion, but for most, they join an organisation knowing that it's not forever). We know it's going to be an experience, we know we need to generate a fire and we know we will need to take our constantly changing environment into consideration in order to do so. We also know if we depend on anyone else to build a fire for us or expect that it's already going to be lit and sustained before we get to camp…..we may have made some pretty poor assumptions.
"We also know if we depend on anyone else to build a fire for us or expect that it's already going to be lit and sustained before we get to camp…..we may have made some pretty poor assumptions."
The truth is, before you build a fire, you need to survey the environment when you arrive. Often, we have an idea of what the environment is like but when we finally arrive at our destination, we see it for what it is. Are you experiencing a cold, wet, dark, windy campsite that is positioned smack bang on top of a smelly quagmire? If so, you know that starting a fire is 1) super important and 2) bloody difficult. The first thing you need to do is think about how you can increase your chances of being successful in getting the fire started because another certainty is that anyone else on the campsite is going to be facing the same challenges.
While fire certainly feels magic….there are some tangible steps you can take to build one.
- Step 1- Build a shelter: It doesn't need to be grand, but you do need somewhere that you can get out of the elements and enable yourself to start the process of creating a fire.
- Step 2- Gather some fuel: You need the fuel to get a fire cranking ready to go. Ideally, this is as dry as possible and starting with small kindling, increases incrementally as the fire increases in size.
- Step 3- Create a spark to get things cranking: The first spark is the hardest and will need fine attention to detail to ensure that it takes. This takes perseverance and patients when facing off against the elements. As painful as it is, you can't skip past this step and come back to it later.
- Step 4- Build it up and sustain: Now that you've got a good flame going, you need to carefully stack the wood on (without smothering it) to ensure that it builds up to the desired intensity. It's easy to get carried away at this stage and overdo it….either burning through all of your fuel unsustainably or snuffing it out completely.
- Step 5- Sit back and bask in the magic: Once you've got it cranking and found a rhythm and balance for the amount of fuel you need to keep feeding it, you can sit back relax and bust out the marshmallows. It's time to bask in the warmth that it throws offs, stare into the endless complexity and predictable unpredictability of the flames, share stories, laugh, engage and ultimately nourish yourself.
Rather than seeing the responsibility of culture as an HR thing or something that the CEO has to drive, think of culture as a whole group of people collectively taking responsibility for their own campsite, knowing full well that if they don't take the necessary steps to ensure they can build a fire in their current environment, they are likely going to get cold, have no light and nothing to eat. Having said all of that, if someone is in despair, there is usually a few free spots around the campfire for those in need. It takes nothing away from the fire to have an extra person experience its warmth.
My challenge to you…..take a look right now at your environment. What's the lay of the land….is there a storm coming? Are you experiencing a considerably frosty winter? Or is the environment more like the Australian bushland in the middle of January, hot dry and ready to burn? Regardless, you need to take the necessary steps to identify what it will take for you to understand your current situation, search for the necessary fuel and shelter, create the spark that takes you from the hope of generating fire to the reality of sustaining the level of light and warmth that you need. This is not a set-and-forget exercise but something that you need to adopt as part of your daily discipline. If you don't continually monitor your fire, you'll either end up burnt or your fire will simply flare up and go out.
What's Love got to do with It?
In all my travels, my many conversations as a colleague, coach, friend, husband, father, sibling or son have brought me to one insight that I believe matters above all else. The question is: What has love got to do with it? My answer: Everything! And here's why….
I caught the tail-end of a conversation the otherday that ended with "what can you do……it's just a job". Based on thetone of the statement and accompanying gesture (both hands raised to the airwith shrugged shoulders), it seemed to come off the back of a strainedconversation due to frustrations they were experiencing. More specifically,there was a sense of acceptance coupled with resignation. By this I mean, theyweren't happy with the situation but had accepted to not challenge further asit wasn't that important to them. Reserving judgment (while also acknowledgingthe number of times I have used the same phrase or similar), I wondered whetherthis person loves what they do…. or even believes that it's possible to lovewhat they do.
"If you know what's in your heart, don't waste time questioning what it all means or making it fit your life's narrative, make a choice, strap yourself in and lead your life!"
We are all familiar with the saying "if youlove what you do, you'll never have to work a day in your life" but howmany of us believe that it's possible? In thinking this through and havingnumerous discussions with people on the topic, it seems love is usually notsomething that people associate with work. Taking that thread even further….people seem quite uncomfortable discussing love in a work context. At thispoint, I feel it's important to define what I mean by love as there are as manydefinitions out there as there are people on this planet (7.6 billion based onthe most recent count).
Love defined- Through all my searches, there seems to be a common acceptance about the distinction between feelings of ‘love' vs a feeling of being ‘in love'. To be in love is usually reserved for a life partner, soul mate or those that we choose to marry. To love someone or something is far broader in scope such as an activity (hobby), a family member, friend, pet, job or even a holiday destination. While to ‘love' or be ‘in love' have clear differences there is an obvious overlap worth acknowledging:
- They are both expressions of strong feelings of passion, affection and come directly from one's heart
- They both require a great deal of courage to express what you really feel and vulnerability to be hurt in the process of expression
- When we give or receive love, there is no question…. you simply feel what you know to be true
Now that we are clear about love, let's bring itback to the work context and how it applies here. Through all my coaching overthe years, when people describe great leadership, amazing workplace culture,high performing teams, or an exemplary individual performance it always soundsvery similar. Something like the following:
- People describe a sense of passion, commitment andconviction in what they do that feels genuine and true
- They have the courage to express themselvesopenly…even if it means showing their vulnerabilities
- When challenged about why they do what they do, thereis no doubt, question or ambivalence
As you can see the similarities between love in life and love at work are unquestionable. As interesting as this might be, you are likely wondering what to do with this (if anything). My advice to anyone that is curious about this (and this applies as much to me as anybody that I coach) is to allow yourself to feel what is already in your heart. This is something that you already know how to do but you are likely to be distracted with to-do lists, actions, people to meet, bosses to manage up to, KPI's to hit and families to cater to that you aren't able to acknowledge what is truly in your heart i.e. what is most important to you. As a final thought for you to ponder, to ‘love' in whatever capacity is always a choice. This choice takes commitment, conviction, energy, and courage. If you know what's in your heart, don't waste time questioning what it all means or making it fit your life's narrative, make a choice, strap yourself in and lead your life!
Why is Executive Coaching Important?
People, engagement and culture – It’s life or death
I became a Psychologist because I have a deep fascination in understanding people and using this understanding to influence how they behave. To me, regardless of how it is perceived, all behaviour is simply ‘interesting’. When I first started working as an Organisational Psychologist, like many others, I was quickly introduced to the world of spreadsheets and data collection which, in truth, I found pretty draining and monotonous. Within my first few weeks I had compiled numerous presentations describing the engagement and culture of organisations but the work I was doing didn’t feel ‘real’. I couldn’t help but notice that the data looked quite similar from one organisation to the next and that the recommendations that went with that were somewhat generic. Of course, there were differences in the data but to what extent those differences were expressed in real behavioural terms was unknown to me at the time. After a few months, an opportunity arose to conduct some qualitative focus groups. In preparing for the brief, I reviewed the quantitative results and noted that they were pretty low (in the bottom 10% of the global database) and the CEO had flat out rejected the quantitative data and demanded that we go speak to the frontline to determine the ‘truth’, which in his mind, was that the engagement levels were some of the highest in the world. As my first road trip, I was extremely excited to be out and about but also to test my belief that the data may not be real and that the last few months of my career had'nt been a big fat waste of time.The client was a manufacturing and engineering organisation, 98% male with 0% females in leadership positions. In fact, the first group that I presented to was about sixty people of which I was informed at least two were female. They were so well disguised amongst the group (most likely out of self-preservation or fear) that it took me until the end of the session before I could point them out. So, there I was, in a room full of blokes that according to the data, were some of the most disengaged people on the planet. Was it real? I tried to ask myself that question at the time but the giant lump in my throat induced by a combination of fear, anxiety and utter disbelief confirmed it was valid. The reality was, the CEO was wrong. What I experienced from the group was deep seeded anger, bitterness, resentment and learned helplessness and this all confirmed what the data had first indicated. What’s worse is when presented with the 'qualitative truth' as requested, the CEO was adamant that we had made an error and that our research methodology was incorrect.There were a few important lessons from that first gig that I carry with me wherever I go.
- The data is real but represents a generalised view of what’s going on and often overlooks the important factors that reflect truth.
- Speaking to people and eyeballing the organisation is essential in determining the truth but needs to be complemented by some far reaching quantitative data.
- What the CEO and executive team choose to accept and believe determines the reality of the organisation. If they believe they are engaged, no data however compelling will convince them otherwise. There must be a level of openness and receptivity in order to create change.
- Ultimately, qualitative data represents the truth and quantitative data represents how generalisable that truth really is. The real power comes from interpreting them together.
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A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Why trust is a dirty word
When we consider trust, what do we actually mean? Is it the idea that somebody will get the job done in that “I completely trust that you will lead this project to success”. Or is it more about the underlying motivation or agenda that one carries? For example “I’m not sure why my colleagues have called this meeting….I don’t have complete trust in their motivations”. The other aspect of trust could be more applicable in a team situation where such comments as “We all need to trust each other more….that way we can be more effective as a team” or “Let’s start by getting to know one another on a deeper level”. Sound familiar?When we consider the abovementioned examples, what we are really talking about is understanding. “ I understand what you are capable of and know you will lead the project to success”. “I understand the motivations behind calling a meeting and it makes sense” Or “I understand the values and needs of everyone in my team which makes me feel close to them”.Without understanding, we default to assumptions which start to erode any trust that exists or fail to build trust if it was never present. As I mentioned in my post about honesty where I dissected the difficulties people face with being honest…..trust is also plagued with similar challenges. In order to build trust in other people and in teams, vulnerability must be acknowledged and embraced. So really, without honesty, trust can’t grow, without trust, people don’t share information and we end up communicating in an inefficient 'cloak and dagger' world that encourages us to engage in behaviour that benefits us at the expense of others.I’ve facilitated countless sessions where trust has been flagged as a key issue within the team. Those that have the courage to raise the issue are usually frowned upon or tainted with creating the problem by verbalising it. So, next time you are in that team offsite, it’s at the end of the day and no real actions have come from it and you see your manager pushing for someone to address the elephant in the room. Before you blurt out trust as the issue, consider your understanding of the team dynamics, the individual differences and your understanding of what is holding the team back.If, after consideration, you are still going to raise trust as an issue, I challenge you to experiment by substituting the word "trust" for a profanity to see how the responses differ. You will likely find that, like the word trust, you will get lots of attention, but it will usually be overlooked or ignored as a lapse in judgement or loss of control. If you aren't feeling trusted in or trusting of your team, the likelihood is high that others are feeling the same way. To change this try the following:
- Frame the issue around gaining a deeper understanding of the team's purpose and put forward your intent as constructive and long term.
- Rather than state the obvious, take some individual responsibility to create a team that you want to be part of. Verbalise the traits of a team you would be proud to be a part of.
- Put forward suggestions to improve team collaboration that YOU would like to take the lead on.
- If there are some obvious personality clashes in the room, rather than tip-toe around it, tackle it head on. Like ripping off a bandaid, it might hurt in the moment, but it will allow the team to move forward.
Honestly, are you being honest with yourself?
Let’s face it, times are tough, businesses are cost cutting to hit their targets, overworking employees and in some cases shutting the doors altogether. With such a competitive market there is a growing trend for managers and leaders to shy away from having tough conversations. Similarly, employees are less likely to be forthcoming about the fears they have and challenges they are experiencing but rather invest their energy in the multiple job interviews they have lined up to ‘escape’ the situation.With so few people being honest, why is it that “honesty” and “integrity” are some of the most commonly espoused values for companies but in terms of outwardly observable behaviour, are the most difficult to find?The answer lies in basic psychology and classical conditioning. As Ivan Pavlov discovered with his famous experiments on dogs, the repeated pairing of a high pitched sound with presentation of food eventually leads to a conditioned response (saliva production) when the sound is heard. This very basic demonstration of conditioning is at the core of why people avoid being honest. More specifically, through experience people learn that by being honest, bad things happen. Take for example when your wife asks you if she looks good in the new dress she purchased…or if your brother asks you to be honest about his latest choice in girlfriend...or a narcissistic and egotistical colleague approaches you for feedback on how they are perceived in the workplace…or worse still your boss asks you to explain why the team engagement scores are plummeting. The easy answer is….tell them what they want to hear…not what they are asking.This socially expected (and reinforced) response is based on what we want confirmed, but like the empty repetition of behaviour associated with retail therapy, drug abuse, and sex addiction, the behaviour meets a need but leads to no growth. It fails to challenge us at the most basic of levels. Moreover, it casts a shadow over the part of oneself that is actually yearning love, appreciation and recognition. Without honesty, we are not challenged, without challenge we have no purpose. Without purpose, we have no direction and without direction we never reach our destination.So again, I ask you the question, if honesty is something that most people hold as a personal value and is reflected in the guiding principles of so many influential corporations, why is it that we fill our days navigating around how we avoid telling people the truth? Is it fear of losing friends? Fear of losing a job opportunity? Or simply fear of the unknown? I think it goes deeper than that. I think it’s fear of facing yourself….what you know needs to happen and what you know you need to do.So, if your still trying to figure out if you really are living your values of honesty and integrity try asking yourself the following questions:
- Are you allocating time to be honest with yourself?
- Do you trust the people in your team?
- Are you aware of the needs people have in your team?
- Do you understand your own needs?