Can you state your purpose?…Or is that not practical enough for you?
To have a purpose is to have resolve, determination, and an intrinsic reason to act. It enables intention to meet action so what you do, has meaning. When someone is clear on their purpose, they have a spring in their step, an air of confidence about them that is powerful, unique and engaging. Without purpose, time can stretch so a moment morphs into a day, and a day bleeds into a week and before you know it, you are chunking time in decades or more, and while a lot has happened most of it wasn’t really intentional. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast lane that you end up getting carried with the momentum of everybody else…so much so that you forget about purpose altogether. It’s how our brains ensure we survive, like a herd of Wildebeests running from danger, all moving in the same direction to limit their chances of being attacked. Much of society and culture is about moving with the herd to ensure survival. The problem with this? if you do happen to get isolated or marginalised, you’ll need your purpose more than ever.
To have a purpose is to have resolve, determination, and an intrinsic reason to act. It enables intention to meet action so what you do, has meaning. When someone is clear on their purpose, they have a spring in their step, an air of confidence about them that is powerful, unique and engaging. Without purpose, time can stretch so a moment morphs into a day, and a day bleeds into a week and before you know it, you are chunking time in decades or more, and while a lot has happened most of it wasn’t really intentional. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast lane that you end up getting carried with the momentum of everybody else…so much so that you forget about purpose altogether. It’s how our brains ensure we survive, like a herd of Wildebeests running from danger, all moving in the same direction to limit their chances of being attacked. Much of society and culture is about moving with the herd to ensure survival. The problem with this? if you do happen to get isolated or marginalised, you’ll need your purpose more than ever.
When I talk about purpose it goes beyond the job that you have, the money you earn, the kids you are responsible for or the family you belong to…it’s way deeper than that. It even goes deeper than the compensatory behaviour we all engage in to make up for any perceived injustice that we’ve had to endure (redundancies, divorce, death of a loved one, childhood adversity, family feuds etc.). In most movies, you’ll notice that the protagonist is typically fueled by a desire to seek revenge, find love, gain reputation or protect their family. These are the surface level goals, ambitions, and motivations that they openly share and discuss. Very rarely, however, do they reveal their core purpose, the purpose which provides them with their charm, charisma, and magnetism. The reason for this? They probably haven’t explored what it is so they can’t articulate it. Even if they had, you’d most likely be confused and unimpressed if they revealed it to you!
Your purpose is for you…nobody else
When I help my clients identify and articulate their purpose, it usually doesn’t take very long. In fact, stating your purpose is the easy part, it’s aligning to that purpose that will take the rest of your life. Some people intuitively get this step and quickly grasp the power of being able to tap into an infinite resource of self-determining energy. Others, however, really struggle to make the connection. This article is for those who are struggling with the idea that by connecting to their purpose it will make a positive difference in their lives. If you roll your eyes every time somebody talks about a ‘higher purpose’ or finding their ‘true north’…you’re in good company. I tend to do the same. However, having done the work, I recognise how being able to articulate your purpose permeates everything that you do and in doing so, enhances how you experience the world and how the world experiences you.
A better, more practical question to ask
Two years ago I was working with a leader…let’s call him Jason. Jason managed a small team and his business was doing well. He was young, successful and had everything going for him. He sought me out because he felt like something was missing. He kept telling himself that he should be happier and that things should feel better now that he had achieved his ambition. The truth was, he didn’t feel happy, he wasn’t fulfilled…in fact, he’d never been more miserable. There was nothing wrong…everything was exactly as it should be but for some reason, nothing felt right to him. Jason wasn’t clear on his purpose at all…he lacked that spring in his step, his energy was low and he didn’t hold himself with confidence. We did some work to help him state his purpose and the moment he identified it he deflated like a two-day-old party balloon. Just like his life had failed to meet his lofty expectations, articulating his purpose had only disappointed him further. As part of the coaching program, I also conducted a 360 for Jason. Before receiving any of the feedback, Jason let me know that he didn’t care what other people thought about him. He described how he just got on and did his thing regardless…he didn’t have time to worry about anybody outside his circle of good friends. The logic being that if he offends anybody, his friends ‘get him’ but everybody else would just have to ‘deal with it’. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Jason was less than charming as a leader, and often found himself dealing with staff issues stemming from a backlash to his leadership style. Since his purpose statement wasn’t helping Jason ‘see’ what was blindingly obvious to everybody else, I presented him with the better question to ask “Jason, how do you want people to experience you?….How might they describe you if they truly ‘got’ your intention”. I let him sit with the question for a good minute before he broke the silence. He rattled off a series of adjectives “Wise, easy-going, fun, friendly and….trustworthy”. Not surprisingly, the feedback gathered wasn’t a close match. The words they used to describe their experience of him were “Tense, overly ambitious, serious, and moody” all highlighting some significant gaps in his experience-awareness…(Experience-awareness is sort of like self-awareness but it’s more about taking the perspective of those around you). Like Jason, by seeking feedback you are able to see yourself the way the rest of the world sees you…but be warned, you may not like what you see.
Similarly to Jason, many of us might feel that the best way to be successful is to focus on our goals, ambitions, and wealth creation. These are all great and I fully support chasing them with gusto. I do however caution people about chasing their goals, ambitions and wealth creation without first aligning to their purpose. As it was with Jason, you might achieve all your goals but you will feel hollow and depleted. If however, Jason integrated his goals with how he wants people to experience him, he creates balance and synergy. By turning his focus to how he wants people to experience him Jason must repeatedly ask for feedback, accept that feedback as valid (regardless of how confronting) and decide what he will act upon. I’d love to be able to share with you that Jason succeeded but I can’t. His response to the feedback was “I already knew that’s what they would say…and it confirms that they don’t really know me or get me”. This confirmed that Jason’s experience-awareness was low, and his unwillingness to take responsibility for the experience people were having of him would ensure he would continue to feel unfulfilled.
You shape the experience people have of you
As children, we interact freely with the world. We say what we want when we want. If we don’t get what we want, we cry, throw tantrums and get upset. As children, we see the world from one very self-centred perspective and have very little awareness of how others might be experiencing us. As we grow and learn, we become aware of the impact our behaviour has on others. Some might describe this as having empathy, others might say it’s simply socialisation, I say it’s experience-awareness, a necessary tool to create your personal legacy. I know many people cringe at the word legacy and feel that it’s far too grandiose. What I’m trying to describe is not egotistical at all, rather, it’s an outside-in feedback loop that ensures that your purpose (what’s most important to you) is being experienced in alignment with your intention. I guarantee that you won’t always get it right…perhaps you will never get it right but the pursuit of aligning your intentions with how people experience you will change everything. It enhances your energy, your happiness, your fulfilment, your productivity, your decision making, your relationships, and your leadership. The best thing about this strategy is it’s both selfless and selfish. By turning your focus to how people experience you, you are serving them with a better more empathetic version of who you are, you are also enhancing your wellbeing and every other aspect of your life at the same time.
Bringing it all together
Knowing your purpose so you can articulate it, and align with it, is critical for sustaining your energy, confidence and long term fulfilment. Without it, you are most likely floating along through life like a bubble in the wind, barely noticeable, unsustainable and aimless.
If you’re like most people, you turn to tasks and projects to give you satisfaction and keep you busy. However, focusing on goals alone or ‘What’ you do is going to leave you empty in the long term. Instead, try focussing on ‘How’ you go about achieving those goals. How you lead a team, how you parent a child, how you build a relationship all link back to how you interact with and relate to others.
Purpose can sometimes feel a bit spiritual or impractical for those ‘doers’ amongst us. It’s for this reason that people can sometimes snub it because they just want to ‘kick some goals’ or ‘get stuff done’. If purpose feels a bit lofty or high-level for you, ask yourself a better, more grounded question, “How do I want people to experience me?”.
By matching your intention (how you want people to experience you) with the actual experience people have of you (We figure this out by seeking feedback), you will increase your experience-awareness, fulfilment and wellbeing.
Your purpose energises you to take action while your legacy reflects how that action is experienced or interpreted. If you’re a leader, rather than put this in the ‘too hard basket’ you owe it to yourself and the people around you to take responsibility for how they are experiencing you.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with your purpose or how people experience you? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Break-ups are ugly: Why losing your job and being dumped by your partner can feel the same
Right now, there a plenty of people are losing their jobs, facing uncertainty and feeling like their worth has been questioned…and let’s be honest…it has. When leaders of organisations facing challenging times have to make the tough call to let people go, they don’t do it lightly. In fact, regardless of how ruthless some people can be, terminating employment is still up there as one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever need to have with somebody. Nobody likes it, it’s never easy and the person on the receiving end is usually devastated.
Relationships are everything. They reflect how we are raised as kids, our education, the work that we do, our partners, friends, clubs we join, associations we belong to etc. Relationships represent how we connect with others and regardless of how functional they are when they are taken away, we notice.
Right now, there a plenty of people are losing their jobs, facing uncertainty and feeling like their worth has been questioned…and let’s be honest…it has. When leaders of organisations facing challenging times have to make the tough call to let people go, they don’t do it lightly. In fact, regardless of how ruthless some people can be, terminating employment is still up there as one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever need to have with somebody. Nobody likes it, it’s never easy and the person on the receiving end is usually devastated.
You would think that in the context of an organisation, justifying a termination would be relatively easy e.g. misconduct, underperformance, poor culture fit etc., and realistically it is. The part that we all get snagged on is the feeling of betrayal, unfairness, or injustice of it all. In many ways, the relationship we have with work is similar to having a long term partner in life so when things don’t quite work out, the break-up can get ugly. Even when we know that a job isn’t fulfilling, or our partners aren’t a good match for us we tend to cling onto the familiarity and safety of the relationship. The longer we stay in a dysfunctional relationship, the harder it is to leave. We waste vast amounts of energy just trying to tread water in vain, knowing that inevitably you will run out of energy and simply drown.
The remainder of this article focuses on what happens once you’ve moved on. Most of the articles I’ve read on this topic, talk about how to make the decision to move out of a toxic relationship (because most people find it difficult to leave) but what if it happens to you unexpectedly? How would you cope?
Know thy relationship
Knowing how to cope following a relationship breakdown depends on the two major factors:
1) Whether you saw the break-up coming or not.
2) Whether the relationship was toxic or functional.
The Toxic Train-crash
When you’re in a toxic relationship be it work or personal if you see the end coming it can sometimes feel like a train crash happening in slow motion. It’s long, painful, often bitter and full of spite. It looks like the warring couple that spends years arguing in court to ensure that the other person ‘Gets what they deserve’ or their ex doesn’t ‘get more than they deserve’. Often, this ends in a stress-related reduction of both their lifespans, the devastation of their relationship with their kids and a bunch of rich lawyers.
At work, it can be even worse when things go really sour. People can be on workers compensation for the majority of their working lives due to a breakdown in the relationship they have with their employer. Despite them getting paid, the bitterness and spite poisons every relationship in their life and they rarely move on to bigger and better things.
The selfless Victim
It’s more common that people remain in a toxic relationship whether that be their job, which they feel they can’t leave due to financial commitments or a lack of transferable skills, or their relationship which is usually justified as ‘I’m staying for the kids’ or some other perfectly logical reason. It’s when these relationships suddenly end that feelings of insecurity can rise up having a crippling effect on the person that remains.
Imagine you’ve been married for ten years…it’s not exactly great and you have at times felt as though you made a mistake but you’re loyal, you convince yourself that it’s not all bad, so you stay. One day, you come home to your partner sitting at the kitchen table caressing a mug of tea, they give you a melancholy look that you’ve never seen before, but you instantly know what’s going on…you feel their honesty; it’s over. There is the initial shock of it all which is shortly followed by strong feelings of insecurity. All of your fears, the pros and cons of staying vs leaving come flooding back to you. How dare they leave when you were loyal for so long…” that’s not fair” you say to yourself. It’s at this point that you recognise that your loyalty has earned you nothing, your selflessness has drained your energy and now you are nothing but a victim.
Life Happens
Sometimes, when things are going really well, you’re loving your career, your team, your company then something happens. The market crashes, a global pandemic hits, the company folds or you’re caught up in a massive organisational restructure. You lose your job, and you didn’t see it coming. Feelings of despair, shock, loss, grief and denial kick in. It’s hard to accept, there is no ‘why’ to analyse, mistakes to learn from or reason to process. It just happened. Similarly, when people lose a loved one to death through accident or disease, the trauma experienced can throw them off for months or even years.
The Conscious Leader
Leadership is a conscious process of continual alignment and evolution. It’s sort of like tracking North on a compass. You’ve got to keep moving forward to reach your destination while at the same time you are watching the ‘needle’ to ensure that it’s still aligned to your desired destination. In any relationship, there are times where one person outgrows the other be it a partner or an organisation that you are working for. It may not be broken but if you aren’t growing anymore, it might be time to move on. It takes guts to make this call and step into your insecurities and all that you don’t know, but this is where growth happens. In all the years that I’ve been coaching people I’ve seen many people take action as a conscious leader and while it’s scary, it ALWAYS precedes a positive change in their lives. These acts of alignment carry them forward continuously requiring them to reorient themselves back to North; their aspiration.
See the following diagram to figure out the dynamic of your relationship.
Fig 1. When relationships end, whether you see it coming or not, there are patterns of feeling that emerge.
Beware the loyalty trap
Having conducted my fair share of interviews over the years, loyalty is often cited as a great value to have. It appears as often as integrity, trustworthiness and reliability. The challenge is, if you see yourself as a ‘loyal’ person at work, meaning that you won’t explore other job opportunities or stay active in the market, your setting yourself up for failure. Imagine for a moment, if you took someone out on a date and they kept referencing that they were ‘loyal’ or ‘faithful’ you might have a legitimate reason to be concerned about their fidelity. Rather, you’d hope that early on in a relationship you would spend a good deal of time discussing the needs of both to remain in a long term, loving partnership. There is an unspoken assumption that if either person isn’t ‘feeling the love’ then it’s time to pluck up the courage to be honest. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with somebody just because they are ‘loyal’, there has to be some form of love at the core of it. The same goes for your workplace, if you’re ‘loyal’ but not getting any ‘love’ in return you’re likely stuck in a long term relationship that has stagnated. Nothing is broken but it’s not great either. Things can coast along politely for years without an honest conversation. When speaking with people in this situation they say things like:
“It’s not perfect….but nothing is, there’s no point rocking the boat for the sake of it”
“I’m worried that if a make a change now, it will be worse that what I’ve currently got”
“I know it’s bad but they are promising that things will get better….so I’ll stick it out”
“I don’t want to be judged for quitting or failing….That’s not what I do”
If you recognise yourself in any of the above statements, it’s time to stop hiding behind loyalty and start being honest with yourself about what you want. There is nothing more unattractive than somebody who is lying to themselves. Once you stop lying to yourself, you’re able to bring some honesty in how you relate to others, that’s when things will start to shift for you.
I now know the dynamics of my relationship…now what do I do?
Having figured out what type of relationship you were in and how it ended, use the following table for a few tips and ideas for how you can cope. These are equally applicable for somebody that has recently left a partner or have lost their job (or in some cases both!).
Fig 2. How to cope when your relationship ends, whether you saw it coming or not!
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with your relationships? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
How to express yourself without losing your SH!T
Following on from a conversation I had with a client recently, we discussed a uniquely human challenge that all humans face. That is, how do we honestly express ourselves without losing control to the point of yelling, screaming or engaging in a physical display or our emotions. In other words, how can you express yourself without losing your sh!t?
Following on from a conversation I had with a client recently, we discussed a uniquely human challenge that all humans face. That is, how do we honestly express ourselves without losing control to the point of yelling, screaming or engaging in a physical display of our emotions? In other words, how can you express yourself without losing your sh!t?
As a parent of four, I know how easy it is to ‘lose your sh!t’ when your kids aren’t listening, haven’t done their homework, are squabbling amongst themselves over whose turn it is on the Xbox or tell you that they’ve forgotten something upon arrival at your destination - after repeatedly prompting them with ‘don’t forget to bring….’.
We’ve all got our different thresholds of tolerating what we deem to be unacceptable behaviour but once that threshold is crossed, it triggers a surge of emotion like a tsunami rippling out from the epicentre of an earthquake under the ocean. Once it has been triggered, there’s no stopping it….at that point, it’s about weathering the storm and dealing with the path of destruction that it leaves behind.
The importance of being heard
For me, I know that there is something primal that happens inside me when I’m not feeling heard, and in the familiarity of my own home is where my primal scream is unleashed. For those that know me professionally, they probably can’t imagine me getting angry or screaming at my kids. Trust me, my kids can confirm that it happens. The truth is, I’m not proud of it. It’s not aligned with who I am, what I represent nor how I want my kids to experience me as their dad. What’s more, if I get really honest with myself, those times when I’m not feeling heard at home are usually just the tip of the iceberg. There is a whole raft of things that sit just beneath the surface that are contributing to the pressure that is building. The trick is to know how to release some of that pressure in small amounts so it never gets to the point of a gigantic explosion that has built up over time.
To deliver your message and it be heard, you need the right amount of emotion. Too much and it explodes…too little and your message fizzles out and doesn’t go anywhere. Think of it like a rocket. To get enough thrust to take off, fuel needs to burn with enough ferocity that the gases are forced through the small hole at the bottom creating the momentum to move through the air. Too much ferocity and the rocket simply explodes. Not enough and the rocket never takes off. A perfectly designed rocket is intense but also beautiful as it streaks through the sky leaving a trail of brilliance behind it.
I think we’ve all been trained so well to be ‘professional’, ‘polite’, ‘nice’, and ‘respectful’ that we’re not expressing ourselves honestly most of the time. We spend a lot of energy making sure that we don’t ‘upset people’ or say something that might not ‘go down well’ so we end up suppressing all of it…until we can’t contain the pressure anymore and BOOOOM! We create a cycle of communication with our kids, partners, work colleagues, friends and extended family that perpetually follows this pattern.
Depending on your personality, you’ll have your own threshold of tolerance and level of ‘ferocity’ behind your messages. I’m not advocating to change who you are but more so enhancing how you are experienced by providing people with an opportunity to hear your message. Imagine how amazing you would feel if every time you spoke people totally ‘got’ you. No need to repeat yourself, raise your voice, bang fists on tables or refrain from saying anything out of fear that you’ll say something you’ll regret.
The relationship between clarity and emotion
In 1908, Yerkes and Dodson demonstrated the relationship between pressure and performance as what they called the inverted u-curve. Their discovery was quite simple, for certain tasks you need the right level of pressure or arousal to perform at your peak. I recall some exams that I’ve sat in the past where I was yawning and a little too relaxed beforehand. Not surprisingly, my performance was hindered because my mind wasn’t fully switched on. It would have been ideal to have a little bit of anxiety to ensure that I was alert and ready to put my brain to work. The opposite has been true before an athletics carnival as a kid. I remember been so wound-up about it because I wanted to be the under 13 years Athletics Champion that my body was shaking like a leaf before the 200-metre sprint, one of my best events. During the race, I felt like I had lead weights attached to my feet as I watched the other runners fly past me as if I was in slow motion. In both cases, I could not perform at my peak due to either too much or too little arousal. This is the same when it comes to delivering a clear and powerful message…too much emotion and you’ll come across as ferocious and your message will be lost. Too little emotion and your message will be received as bland or lackadaisical or simply just fizzle out. With the right amount of emotion the clarity of your message is enhanced to the point of being optimally forthright.
Fig 1. The relationship between clarity and emotion. When a message is charged with too much emotion it is perceived to be ferocious and you are far less likely to be heard. Too little emotion and you message fizzles out . An optimised message is forthright with the perfect balance of emotion behind it.
The optimal message
A few weeks ago, I wrote an article describing the approach of taking the fire out of your feedback by focussing on the Facts rather than the Interpretation, Reaction or the End in mind. This is a great approach but for some, it’s an opportunity to be robotic in their delivery (just focussing on the facts without any emotion) or creates a huge amount of tension for somebody who is trying to contain the eruption inside of them. While there is no perfect solution to delivering the optimal message, here are a couple of strategies that work.
Before jumping in headfirst, ask yourself “How do I want to be experienced?”. By stepping outside of yourself you instantly become more self-aware and are better able to determine if you are behaving in alignment with your intention.
Take a moment to evaluate your physiological state. If you’re all stressed and wired, your message will be drowned out by the corticosteroids coursing through your veins. If your body isn’t right, people will pick up on it straight away instantly raising the ‘red flag’. Do what you can to get centred and present so your message will be heard. There are a thousand things you could do such as- take a brisk walk, meditation, try to juggle three balls, strike a yoga pose etc.
The context plays an incredibly important role in how your message is delivered and received. A formal message may lose its impact if delivered on a park bench by the beach. Conversely, a heartfelt discussion may be lost amongst the formality of a company boardroom. Make sure that you put some thought into the environment and how it will influence the interpretation of your message.
The relationship you have with the person receiving the message is also a critical consideration. A family member will evoke a different emotion to a boss. Equally, a person that you don’t like will evoke a different emotion to a person that you really enjoy spending time with. Your message will always be influenced by the strength of the bond you share with the receiver, take a moment to reflect on how this is contributing to your emotional state.
Notice what you are telling yourself. Whatever you are telling yourself becomes a prelude to what happens next. Too often we invest so much energy in a preemptive determination of an outcome, which usually represents the outcome we don’t want. Instead, invest your energy in the outcome you do want to increase the likelihood of being heard.
As a final thought, I want you to press pause for a moment and acknowledge that if you are reading this, then you are human. We all experience those moments where everything gets a bit too much, we are overwhelmed by life’s challenges and we will inevitably lose our sh!t. Rather than beat yourself up about it, take the time to reflect on how people experienced you during your tirade. Notice how you felt in your body, recognise the impact it had on your relationships and consider the context you were in at the time it all blew up. Finally, identify what you were telling yourself before it all went pear-shaped. What you tell yourself is the secret that will unlock the mystery behind why you don’t feel heard. Solve this riddle and I guarantee you’ll be able to express yourself without losing your sh!t.
WANT HELP?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Do you 'Serve' or do you 'Save'?
When working in the human services - I’m talking about psychologists, Human resource professionals, counsellors, executive coaches, or social workers- there is a common thread that unifies them all in what they do; to be of service to others. While this sounds fulfilling, and it is, it’s often confused with ‘saving’ others and as you can imagine there is a huge difference.
When working in the human services - I’m talking about Psychologists, Human Resource professionals, Counsellors, Executive Coaches, or Social Workers- there is a common thread that unifies them all in what they do; to be of service to others. While this sounds fulfilling, and it is, it’s often confused with ‘saving’ others and as you can imagine there is a huge difference.
When I was studying my undergraduate psychology degree, I was interested in becoming a clinical psychologist. I was advised along with many of my fellow students to do some volunteer work for Lifeline Australia, a not for profit 24/7 suicide intervention telephone counselling service. I went through the training which was fantastic and still ranks as some of the best development I’ve received as a coach and Psychologist. About a year into my time as a telephone counsellor I started to question whether I was really making a difference. I was answering calls, supporting people but still didn’t feel like it was enough. One evening when I completed a shift, I was doing a debrief with the person that was due to take over and it happened to be the CEO of Lifeline at the time…yep, even the CEO put in the time to serve those in need. It was in the debrief with the CEO that I figured out what I was missing…I wasn’t aiming to serve people I was trying to save people. I’d shared my disillusionment with the CEO and he simply asked “Why are you here right now?” my answer “I want to help save lives…but I feel like I’m not having an impact”. I could tell by the way he looked at me that I was going about it all wrong. Unless I actually saved somebody’s life, I thought my contribution was negligible…..talk about setting myself up for failure!
The truth is, I see many people in leadership roles making the same mistake. Rather than seek to serve people, they are trying to save people which is where it all goes wrong. I speak with a lot of leaders and managers all of whom share a desire to develop people in their teams. Somewhere on the way, their desire to save everybody morphs into a yearning to help anybody which in turn leaves them serving nobody…least of all themselves. I call this the Everybody>Anybody>Nobody rule, and it’s the fastest way to burn yourself out.
Stop trying to save people and start serving
Have you ever heard the saying “You can’t save everybody”? Well, I hear it often and I like to rephrase it to “you can’t save anybody…that part’s up to them”. Of course, I’m not talking about Lifeguards, Doctors, or Paramedics because saving lives is what they get paid to do. I’m talking about well-meaning managers that are trying to make sure everybody is looked after or an HR professional that puts everybody else’s needs first. Ironically, the desire to ‘save’ others is a selfish act driven by a desire to be of value and recognised for such noteworthy contributions. It’s the narcissistic shadow in all of us that wants to be the one that ‘saved’ somebody. People tell me all the time that they want to be an executive coach or counsellor so they can experience those moments when somebody has an epiphany that turns their life around. While it sounds like a great reason to become a coach, it’s not realistic nor sustainable to think that it will occur in every conversation. Similarly, a leader would be a fool to think that they could successfully develop every person that ever works for them. Your role as a coach or leader is to serve those who you work with, which starts by understanding what they most need. How do you figure that out? Ask them! It’s as simple as asking “What do you most need right now?” While they may not always be articulate in their response, it’s a great act of service to help them get clarity.
Don’t be afraid to let them fail
As a parent of four, I’m all too aware of the desire to want my kids to succeed, to see them flourish, be happy and have confidence. While I know that the times in my life where I’ve experienced the most growth have been some of the toughest, I can’t help but steer my kids clear of oncoming obstacles to spare them of unnecessary challenge. Again, this represents a tendency to want to save rather than serve and it’s my desire to save them from failing that stops me from serving them as a supporting father. The same goes for coaches of individuals, managers of teams and CEOs of organisations. If you’re working hard to save people from themselves, then your not serving them as a leader….you need to let go of control and let them fail. There is no substitute for the feeling of something slip through your fingers. Sometimes allowing people to experience that feeling for themselves is the greatest way to serve them…and yourself.
They need to work harder than you
If you’re working harder on them than you are on yourself, there’s something wrong. Equally, if you’re working harder on them they they are on themselves, stop it right now. Your job as a parent, coach, manager or leader is to be there to love, support, serve and inspire. At no point should you be tearing your hair out with frustration at the lack of reciprocity you are receiving. If you find yourself in that situation, rather than continue to push the proverbial uphill, commit to having an honest conversation about what’s not working. Try not to say something like “I feel like you aren’t putting in the work” but rather try asking “What will it take for you to succeed right now?”. Hopefully the question triggers a valuable discussion to get them back on track. If you get an “I don’t know”….or “I’m not sure” that’s your cue to serve them, not save them, and sometimes that means giving them some breathing space to figure out what they need.
WANT HELP?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Unearthing Your Creative Intelligence
A couple of weeks ago I was a guest on James Barrow’s Podcast, the B-side, which is all about finding insights that help unlock your creative potential. We had a great chat covering a large variety of topics which really got me thinking about creative intelligence or the ability to go beyond what you know to create novel and interesting ideas. During the conversation, James asked me to share something that people don’t know about me. My first response was that I’m pretty open and tend to write about my experiences in my weekly blog so there wasn’t much that I hadn’t already shared. That’s when I remembered a whole chapter in my youth that I’d completely forgotten about, one that was all about creative intelligence and inspiration. If you’d like to listen to the whole episode you can find it here.
A couple of weeks ago I was a guest on James Barrow’s Podcast, the B-side, which is all about finding insights that help unlock your creative potential. We had a great chat covering a large variety of topics which really got me thinking about creative intelligence or the ability to go beyond what you know to create novel and interesting ideas. During the conversation, James asked me to share something that people don’t know about me. My first response was that I’m pretty open and tend to write about my experiences in my weekly blog so there wasn’t much that I hadn’t already shared. That’s when I remembered a whole chapter in my youth that I’d completely forgotten about, one that was all about creative intelligence and inspiration. If you’d like to listen to the whole episode you can find it here.
Here is what I shared…
When I was 17, I moved out of home into a share-house with some really intelligent and supportive people. Unfortunately, the change didn’t work out for me and before long I changed schools again and moved back home with my mum in Lismore for my final year at school. I found it difficult to stay focussed on my studies and lost continuity with my classes and fell behind. The only thing that I felt like I wasn’t falling behind in was Art. There was something about the creative process involved in art that fascinated me, I loved the spontaneity of it, the ability to see your own reflection and meaning in the work but most of all, it was a way I could express myself honestly at a time in my life when nothing came easy and I constantly felt frustrated.
Street art was particularly fascinating to me because it was generally done quickly and spontaneously, was usually large scale, and was incredibly unique to the artist. I want to take this moment to clarify that I don’t condone ‘tagging’ which is defacing of public property that you see everywhere that just looks messy and is illegal. I’m talking about brilliant artworks that are created by incredibly creative people in urban settings.
In 1999, a mate and I had an idea to do a mural in Lismore on a wall under the local bridge but wanted to do it legally. We went through an application process and had to pitch our idea to the Mayor at the time. To our surprise, we were granted funding to purchase paint and organise scaffolding so we could get to work on creating the first legal Graffiti mural in Lismore. While it was great, I still felt as though the mural we had created wasn’t spontaneous enough. I wanted to do something more….The Issue was we hadn’t gained approval for a second mural but as far as I was concerned, the wall was big enough for a bunch more murals so it wouldn’t hurt to have a bit more colour splashed around.
I’d decided on my idea and figured Sunday afternoon would be a good time to do it as it was unlikely that anybody would be around at that time. I got to work and let my creative self take over finishing the work within a 30min period. As I stood back to analyse my creation I heard a young woman’s voice call out to me…”Are you the guy that painted the mural?”. Feeling as though I’d been caught I said “yeah…that one” pointing toward the sponsored work that wasn’t yet finished. She was holding a camera and while pointing it at me said: “Do you mind if I take a couple of shots for the local newspaper?”. She took a couple of snaps in front of the wall then I didn’t think much of it. The next day, I was shocked when my mum pointed out a large colour photo of me in the newspaper standing in front of the mural that I’d painted hoping nobody would notice. How wrong I was!
Photo of me in 1999 standing in front of my freshly painted mural.
This is a front-on photo of the finished artwork. The blue writing spells change is if it were melting wax. At the time I was exploring change as the desired outcome as opposed to fear, or stagnant expression.
Technically, the artwork I’d created that Sunday afternoon was illegal but it didn’t matter, within weeks the wall was covered in artworks from numerous artists that now had an opportunity to express their creative intelligence without fear of repercussion. It became a catalyst for unleashing the creative potential for so many others and that’s what I love about honest, spontaneous, creative expression.
Why am I sharing this?
When James asked me to share something about myself that people wouldn’t already know, it jogged my memory about an important aspect of who I am. The art was one element of what was important but the other element was creating a platform for others to express themselves honestly. When I shared my artistic past with James he said: “I always knew there was something creative bubbling away under the surface with you”. I think it’s a shame that I suppressed this part of who I am but am thankful that James unearthed it for me during our chat. I reckon those parts of ourselves that we don’t share because they don’t quite fit with your audience, or they aren’t ‘professional’ are the best bits of us. They are reflective of who we ‘really’ are. It’s these aspects of us that create our identity and enable us to relate in powerful ways to one another. This to me is what creative intelligence is all about.
My Challenge to you
What’s the part of yourself that you’ve hidden away, forgotten about or lost touch with? I want you to take some time this week to reflect on your creative intelligence and what it is. What would it take to bring that back into your world? For me, I thought I’d killed my creative self off but it was less about the art for me and more about the facilitation of honest expression. I write regularly about the importance of expression in leadership and in life. Like I did all those years ago, I hope the questions I pose, the stories I share and the insights I have, all serve you to tap into your creative intelligence and start expressing yourself, fully, honestly, without fear of repercussion.
WANT HELP BUILDING TRUST IN YOUR TEAM?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Taking the F'ire' out of your feedback
With such massive disruption to the normal flow of work, it’s likely that some of the less ‘urgent’ tasks have taken a back seat over the past few months while the world has been reeling with the spread of COVID-19 and subsequent economic fallout. One of these ‘non-urgent’ but ‘important’ tasks is providing feedback on performance, particularly when performance isn’t aligned with expectations.
With such massive disruption to the normal flow of work, it’s likely that some of the less ‘urgent’ tasks have taken a back seat over the past few months while the world has been reeling with the spread of COVID-19 and subsequent economic fallout. One of these ‘non-urgent’ but ‘important’ tasks is providing feedback on performance, particularly when performance isn’t aligned with expectations.
Delivering performance feedback is more art than science and as I’m sure you’ll agree…some people are better at art than others! However, to be an accomplished artist, first, you must learn the necessary skills of your craft before you can fully and freely express yourself. Herein lies the distinction between an amateur splashing some paint on the canvas and a master carefully building depth to the work, layer by layer.
Receiving the message
When it comes to tough messages, I’ve been on the receiving end of some very poorly delivered feedback but also had my fair share of feedback that was brilliantly expressed. The worst feedback session I ever experienced was so brutally and venomously delivered I had to instantly write it down so I didn’t have to hold the negativity in my head. I held onto that piece of paper for about 6 months and eventually ceremoniously burned it when that leader left the organisation. I won’t repeat what was shared as it was cruel, cutting and borderline psychopathic. However, underneath all of the emotion and toxicity with which it was transmitted, there was no beating around the bush, the overarching message was clear and it led to a change in behaviour….mainly avoidance….but change nonetheless.
In contrast, I’ve also experienced tough feedback about my performance that was delivered so beautifully that I felt empowered and inspired to lift my game. The honesty was so refreshing that, despite the message being difficult to hear, it enabled clear action to take place immediately. Upon reflection, both leaders that delivered the feedback were highly experienced and respected. They had undoubtedly delivered tough feedback thousands of times before so what made the first scenario so horrible and the second scenario so great? The emotional fire that was fueling the conversation.
Focus on the facts not the ‘ire’
In the book ‘Truth at work’, Mark Murphy details a model for delivering tough messages that takes the emotion out of the conversation to enable an honest and productive conversation to unfold. He uses the acronym F.I.R.E which spells out the following.
Facts - What happened? What is observable? If you watched back a video recording, what would you see?
Interpretations - What are you making it mean? What dots are you connecting?
Reactions - What is your response? What is happening emotionally and physically?
Ends - What is the outcome you/they want?
Mark explains that most of the messages we deliver or receive are sparsely made up of facts and overwhelmingly filled with ire, the result, of course, leads to a poorly delivered message which most likely leads to resistance or rejection from the receiver. Using the fire model, you can evaluate a message you plan on delivering to see if you can reduce the ‘heat’ by minimising the ‘ire’. Have a go and you’ll be surprised at just how much emotion is blocking your ability to see a different perspective.
What NOT to do
When delivering ‘truth’ filled messages, I’m a strong believer in making certain that you communicate a message that is direct and compassionate. There is nothing worse than someone starting a feedback session with “So this isn’t my opinion but others have said that….” Or even worse “people think that you…..” All this does is create resistance and aside from that ….it’s just plain gutless of the person delivering the message. Too often, I see people fall into the trap of giving feedback that is ‘what the receiver wants to hear’ or ‘what the receiver needs to hear’ or sometimes ‘the cold hard truth’. Having tested all of these, I can tell you that none of them works well.
What you CAN do
The most powerful message is one that aligns directly with ‘what you, as the deliverer of the message, need to share’. Having had clients test this model, they like it and agree with it….it’s just really hard to do. When it comes to the moment of delivering the feedback it can come out backwards or emotional and end up being a big mess. That’s where I reckon Mark Murphy is onto something with his fire model. Once you’ve formulated what it is you need to share with someone (an honest and compassionate message) test it out with the fire model to see how much of it is based on facts or is driven by ‘ire’ or emotion.
Time to lead
As much as delivering feedback on performance -especially when it’s poor- is a loathsome task, if you’re a manager or leader, you need to be a master of your craft. If there’s a single skill that differentiates a great manager and leader from the rest, I’d argue it’s their ability to deliver a tough message with finesse and integrity. The truth is, regardless of how good the performance of your team is, the need to deliver tough messages will always be there. This is as true for your high performers as it is for your low performers but none more so than for yourself.
References
Murphy, M. (2017). Truth At Work: The Science of Delivering Tough Messages. New York: McGraw Hill Professional.
WANT help crafting your messages?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825