Break-ups are ugly: Why losing your job and being dumped by your partner can feel the same
Right now, there a plenty of people are losing their jobs, facing uncertainty and feeling like their worth has been questioned…and let’s be honest…it has. When leaders of organisations facing challenging times have to make the tough call to let people go, they don’t do it lightly. In fact, regardless of how ruthless some people can be, terminating employment is still up there as one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever need to have with somebody. Nobody likes it, it’s never easy and the person on the receiving end is usually devastated.
Relationships are everything. They reflect how we are raised as kids, our education, the work that we do, our partners, friends, clubs we join, associations we belong to etc. Relationships represent how we connect with others and regardless of how functional they are when they are taken away, we notice.
Right now, there a plenty of people are losing their jobs, facing uncertainty and feeling like their worth has been questioned…and let’s be honest…it has. When leaders of organisations facing challenging times have to make the tough call to let people go, they don’t do it lightly. In fact, regardless of how ruthless some people can be, terminating employment is still up there as one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever need to have with somebody. Nobody likes it, it’s never easy and the person on the receiving end is usually devastated.
You would think that in the context of an organisation, justifying a termination would be relatively easy e.g. misconduct, underperformance, poor culture fit etc., and realistically it is. The part that we all get snagged on is the feeling of betrayal, unfairness, or injustice of it all. In many ways, the relationship we have with work is similar to having a long term partner in life so when things don’t quite work out, the break-up can get ugly. Even when we know that a job isn’t fulfilling, or our partners aren’t a good match for us we tend to cling onto the familiarity and safety of the relationship. The longer we stay in a dysfunctional relationship, the harder it is to leave. We waste vast amounts of energy just trying to tread water in vain, knowing that inevitably you will run out of energy and simply drown.
The remainder of this article focuses on what happens once you’ve moved on. Most of the articles I’ve read on this topic, talk about how to make the decision to move out of a toxic relationship (because most people find it difficult to leave) but what if it happens to you unexpectedly? How would you cope?
Know thy relationship
Knowing how to cope following a relationship breakdown depends on the two major factors:
1) Whether you saw the break-up coming or not.
2) Whether the relationship was toxic or functional.
The Toxic Train-crash
When you’re in a toxic relationship be it work or personal if you see the end coming it can sometimes feel like a train crash happening in slow motion. It’s long, painful, often bitter and full of spite. It looks like the warring couple that spends years arguing in court to ensure that the other person ‘Gets what they deserve’ or their ex doesn’t ‘get more than they deserve’. Often, this ends in a stress-related reduction of both their lifespans, the devastation of their relationship with their kids and a bunch of rich lawyers.
At work, it can be even worse when things go really sour. People can be on workers compensation for the majority of their working lives due to a breakdown in the relationship they have with their employer. Despite them getting paid, the bitterness and spite poisons every relationship in their life and they rarely move on to bigger and better things.
The selfless Victim
It’s more common that people remain in a toxic relationship whether that be their job, which they feel they can’t leave due to financial commitments or a lack of transferable skills, or their relationship which is usually justified as ‘I’m staying for the kids’ or some other perfectly logical reason. It’s when these relationships suddenly end that feelings of insecurity can rise up having a crippling effect on the person that remains.
Imagine you’ve been married for ten years…it’s not exactly great and you have at times felt as though you made a mistake but you’re loyal, you convince yourself that it’s not all bad, so you stay. One day, you come home to your partner sitting at the kitchen table caressing a mug of tea, they give you a melancholy look that you’ve never seen before, but you instantly know what’s going on…you feel their honesty; it’s over. There is the initial shock of it all which is shortly followed by strong feelings of insecurity. All of your fears, the pros and cons of staying vs leaving come flooding back to you. How dare they leave when you were loyal for so long…” that’s not fair” you say to yourself. It’s at this point that you recognise that your loyalty has earned you nothing, your selflessness has drained your energy and now you are nothing but a victim.
Life Happens
Sometimes, when things are going really well, you’re loving your career, your team, your company then something happens. The market crashes, a global pandemic hits, the company folds or you’re caught up in a massive organisational restructure. You lose your job, and you didn’t see it coming. Feelings of despair, shock, loss, grief and denial kick in. It’s hard to accept, there is no ‘why’ to analyse, mistakes to learn from or reason to process. It just happened. Similarly, when people lose a loved one to death through accident or disease, the trauma experienced can throw them off for months or even years.
The Conscious Leader
Leadership is a conscious process of continual alignment and evolution. It’s sort of like tracking North on a compass. You’ve got to keep moving forward to reach your destination while at the same time you are watching the ‘needle’ to ensure that it’s still aligned to your desired destination. In any relationship, there are times where one person outgrows the other be it a partner or an organisation that you are working for. It may not be broken but if you aren’t growing anymore, it might be time to move on. It takes guts to make this call and step into your insecurities and all that you don’t know, but this is where growth happens. In all the years that I’ve been coaching people I’ve seen many people take action as a conscious leader and while it’s scary, it ALWAYS precedes a positive change in their lives. These acts of alignment carry them forward continuously requiring them to reorient themselves back to North; their aspiration.
See the following diagram to figure out the dynamic of your relationship.
Fig 1. When relationships end, whether you see it coming or not, there are patterns of feeling that emerge.
Beware the loyalty trap
Having conducted my fair share of interviews over the years, loyalty is often cited as a great value to have. It appears as often as integrity, trustworthiness and reliability. The challenge is, if you see yourself as a ‘loyal’ person at work, meaning that you won’t explore other job opportunities or stay active in the market, your setting yourself up for failure. Imagine for a moment, if you took someone out on a date and they kept referencing that they were ‘loyal’ or ‘faithful’ you might have a legitimate reason to be concerned about their fidelity. Rather, you’d hope that early on in a relationship you would spend a good deal of time discussing the needs of both to remain in a long term, loving partnership. There is an unspoken assumption that if either person isn’t ‘feeling the love’ then it’s time to pluck up the courage to be honest. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with somebody just because they are ‘loyal’, there has to be some form of love at the core of it. The same goes for your workplace, if you’re ‘loyal’ but not getting any ‘love’ in return you’re likely stuck in a long term relationship that has stagnated. Nothing is broken but it’s not great either. Things can coast along politely for years without an honest conversation. When speaking with people in this situation they say things like:
“It’s not perfect….but nothing is, there’s no point rocking the boat for the sake of it”
“I’m worried that if a make a change now, it will be worse that what I’ve currently got”
“I know it’s bad but they are promising that things will get better….so I’ll stick it out”
“I don’t want to be judged for quitting or failing….That’s not what I do”
If you recognise yourself in any of the above statements, it’s time to stop hiding behind loyalty and start being honest with yourself about what you want. There is nothing more unattractive than somebody who is lying to themselves. Once you stop lying to yourself, you’re able to bring some honesty in how you relate to others, that’s when things will start to shift for you.
I now know the dynamics of my relationship…now what do I do?
Having figured out what type of relationship you were in and how it ended, use the following table for a few tips and ideas for how you can cope. These are equally applicable for somebody that has recently left a partner or have lost their job (or in some cases both!).
Fig 2. How to cope when your relationship ends, whether you saw it coming or not!
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with your relationships? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
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CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
How to express yourself without losing your SH!T
Following on from a conversation I had with a client recently, we discussed a uniquely human challenge that all humans face. That is, how do we honestly express ourselves without losing control to the point of yelling, screaming or engaging in a physical display or our emotions. In other words, how can you express yourself without losing your sh!t?
Following on from a conversation I had with a client recently, we discussed a uniquely human challenge that all humans face. That is, how do we honestly express ourselves without losing control to the point of yelling, screaming or engaging in a physical display of our emotions? In other words, how can you express yourself without losing your sh!t?
As a parent of four, I know how easy it is to ‘lose your sh!t’ when your kids aren’t listening, haven’t done their homework, are squabbling amongst themselves over whose turn it is on the Xbox or tell you that they’ve forgotten something upon arrival at your destination - after repeatedly prompting them with ‘don’t forget to bring….’.
We’ve all got our different thresholds of tolerating what we deem to be unacceptable behaviour but once that threshold is crossed, it triggers a surge of emotion like a tsunami rippling out from the epicentre of an earthquake under the ocean. Once it has been triggered, there’s no stopping it….at that point, it’s about weathering the storm and dealing with the path of destruction that it leaves behind.
The importance of being heard
For me, I know that there is something primal that happens inside me when I’m not feeling heard, and in the familiarity of my own home is where my primal scream is unleashed. For those that know me professionally, they probably can’t imagine me getting angry or screaming at my kids. Trust me, my kids can confirm that it happens. The truth is, I’m not proud of it. It’s not aligned with who I am, what I represent nor how I want my kids to experience me as their dad. What’s more, if I get really honest with myself, those times when I’m not feeling heard at home are usually just the tip of the iceberg. There is a whole raft of things that sit just beneath the surface that are contributing to the pressure that is building. The trick is to know how to release some of that pressure in small amounts so it never gets to the point of a gigantic explosion that has built up over time.
To deliver your message and it be heard, you need the right amount of emotion. Too much and it explodes…too little and your message fizzles out and doesn’t go anywhere. Think of it like a rocket. To get enough thrust to take off, fuel needs to burn with enough ferocity that the gases are forced through the small hole at the bottom creating the momentum to move through the air. Too much ferocity and the rocket simply explodes. Not enough and the rocket never takes off. A perfectly designed rocket is intense but also beautiful as it streaks through the sky leaving a trail of brilliance behind it.
I think we’ve all been trained so well to be ‘professional’, ‘polite’, ‘nice’, and ‘respectful’ that we’re not expressing ourselves honestly most of the time. We spend a lot of energy making sure that we don’t ‘upset people’ or say something that might not ‘go down well’ so we end up suppressing all of it…until we can’t contain the pressure anymore and BOOOOM! We create a cycle of communication with our kids, partners, work colleagues, friends and extended family that perpetually follows this pattern.
Depending on your personality, you’ll have your own threshold of tolerance and level of ‘ferocity’ behind your messages. I’m not advocating to change who you are but more so enhancing how you are experienced by providing people with an opportunity to hear your message. Imagine how amazing you would feel if every time you spoke people totally ‘got’ you. No need to repeat yourself, raise your voice, bang fists on tables or refrain from saying anything out of fear that you’ll say something you’ll regret.
The relationship between clarity and emotion
In 1908, Yerkes and Dodson demonstrated the relationship between pressure and performance as what they called the inverted u-curve. Their discovery was quite simple, for certain tasks you need the right level of pressure or arousal to perform at your peak. I recall some exams that I’ve sat in the past where I was yawning and a little too relaxed beforehand. Not surprisingly, my performance was hindered because my mind wasn’t fully switched on. It would have been ideal to have a little bit of anxiety to ensure that I was alert and ready to put my brain to work. The opposite has been true before an athletics carnival as a kid. I remember been so wound-up about it because I wanted to be the under 13 years Athletics Champion that my body was shaking like a leaf before the 200-metre sprint, one of my best events. During the race, I felt like I had lead weights attached to my feet as I watched the other runners fly past me as if I was in slow motion. In both cases, I could not perform at my peak due to either too much or too little arousal. This is the same when it comes to delivering a clear and powerful message…too much emotion and you’ll come across as ferocious and your message will be lost. Too little emotion and your message will be received as bland or lackadaisical or simply just fizzle out. With the right amount of emotion the clarity of your message is enhanced to the point of being optimally forthright.
Fig 1. The relationship between clarity and emotion. When a message is charged with too much emotion it is perceived to be ferocious and you are far less likely to be heard. Too little emotion and you message fizzles out . An optimised message is forthright with the perfect balance of emotion behind it.
The optimal message
A few weeks ago, I wrote an article describing the approach of taking the fire out of your feedback by focussing on the Facts rather than the Interpretation, Reaction or the End in mind. This is a great approach but for some, it’s an opportunity to be robotic in their delivery (just focussing on the facts without any emotion) or creates a huge amount of tension for somebody who is trying to contain the eruption inside of them. While there is no perfect solution to delivering the optimal message, here are a couple of strategies that work.
Before jumping in headfirst, ask yourself “How do I want to be experienced?”. By stepping outside of yourself you instantly become more self-aware and are better able to determine if you are behaving in alignment with your intention.
Take a moment to evaluate your physiological state. If you’re all stressed and wired, your message will be drowned out by the corticosteroids coursing through your veins. If your body isn’t right, people will pick up on it straight away instantly raising the ‘red flag’. Do what you can to get centred and present so your message will be heard. There are a thousand things you could do such as- take a brisk walk, meditation, try to juggle three balls, strike a yoga pose etc.
The context plays an incredibly important role in how your message is delivered and received. A formal message may lose its impact if delivered on a park bench by the beach. Conversely, a heartfelt discussion may be lost amongst the formality of a company boardroom. Make sure that you put some thought into the environment and how it will influence the interpretation of your message.
The relationship you have with the person receiving the message is also a critical consideration. A family member will evoke a different emotion to a boss. Equally, a person that you don’t like will evoke a different emotion to a person that you really enjoy spending time with. Your message will always be influenced by the strength of the bond you share with the receiver, take a moment to reflect on how this is contributing to your emotional state.
Notice what you are telling yourself. Whatever you are telling yourself becomes a prelude to what happens next. Too often we invest so much energy in a preemptive determination of an outcome, which usually represents the outcome we don’t want. Instead, invest your energy in the outcome you do want to increase the likelihood of being heard.
As a final thought, I want you to press pause for a moment and acknowledge that if you are reading this, then you are human. We all experience those moments where everything gets a bit too much, we are overwhelmed by life’s challenges and we will inevitably lose our sh!t. Rather than beat yourself up about it, take the time to reflect on how people experienced you during your tirade. Notice how you felt in your body, recognise the impact it had on your relationships and consider the context you were in at the time it all blew up. Finally, identify what you were telling yourself before it all went pear-shaped. What you tell yourself is the secret that will unlock the mystery behind why you don’t feel heard. Solve this riddle and I guarantee you’ll be able to express yourself without losing your sh!t.
WANT HELP?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Do you 'Serve' or do you 'Save'?
When working in the human services - I’m talking about psychologists, Human resource professionals, counsellors, executive coaches, or social workers- there is a common thread that unifies them all in what they do; to be of service to others. While this sounds fulfilling, and it is, it’s often confused with ‘saving’ others and as you can imagine there is a huge difference.
When working in the human services - I’m talking about Psychologists, Human Resource professionals, Counsellors, Executive Coaches, or Social Workers- there is a common thread that unifies them all in what they do; to be of service to others. While this sounds fulfilling, and it is, it’s often confused with ‘saving’ others and as you can imagine there is a huge difference.
When I was studying my undergraduate psychology degree, I was interested in becoming a clinical psychologist. I was advised along with many of my fellow students to do some volunteer work for Lifeline Australia, a not for profit 24/7 suicide intervention telephone counselling service. I went through the training which was fantastic and still ranks as some of the best development I’ve received as a coach and Psychologist. About a year into my time as a telephone counsellor I started to question whether I was really making a difference. I was answering calls, supporting people but still didn’t feel like it was enough. One evening when I completed a shift, I was doing a debrief with the person that was due to take over and it happened to be the CEO of Lifeline at the time…yep, even the CEO put in the time to serve those in need. It was in the debrief with the CEO that I figured out what I was missing…I wasn’t aiming to serve people I was trying to save people. I’d shared my disillusionment with the CEO and he simply asked “Why are you here right now?” my answer “I want to help save lives…but I feel like I’m not having an impact”. I could tell by the way he looked at me that I was going about it all wrong. Unless I actually saved somebody’s life, I thought my contribution was negligible…..talk about setting myself up for failure!
The truth is, I see many people in leadership roles making the same mistake. Rather than seek to serve people, they are trying to save people which is where it all goes wrong. I speak with a lot of leaders and managers all of whom share a desire to develop people in their teams. Somewhere on the way, their desire to save everybody morphs into a yearning to help anybody which in turn leaves them serving nobody…least of all themselves. I call this the Everybody>Anybody>Nobody rule, and it’s the fastest way to burn yourself out.
Stop trying to save people and start serving
Have you ever heard the saying “You can’t save everybody”? Well, I hear it often and I like to rephrase it to “you can’t save anybody…that part’s up to them”. Of course, I’m not talking about Lifeguards, Doctors, or Paramedics because saving lives is what they get paid to do. I’m talking about well-meaning managers that are trying to make sure everybody is looked after or an HR professional that puts everybody else’s needs first. Ironically, the desire to ‘save’ others is a selfish act driven by a desire to be of value and recognised for such noteworthy contributions. It’s the narcissistic shadow in all of us that wants to be the one that ‘saved’ somebody. People tell me all the time that they want to be an executive coach or counsellor so they can experience those moments when somebody has an epiphany that turns their life around. While it sounds like a great reason to become a coach, it’s not realistic nor sustainable to think that it will occur in every conversation. Similarly, a leader would be a fool to think that they could successfully develop every person that ever works for them. Your role as a coach or leader is to serve those who you work with, which starts by understanding what they most need. How do you figure that out? Ask them! It’s as simple as asking “What do you most need right now?” While they may not always be articulate in their response, it’s a great act of service to help them get clarity.
Don’t be afraid to let them fail
As a parent of four, I’m all too aware of the desire to want my kids to succeed, to see them flourish, be happy and have confidence. While I know that the times in my life where I’ve experienced the most growth have been some of the toughest, I can’t help but steer my kids clear of oncoming obstacles to spare them of unnecessary challenge. Again, this represents a tendency to want to save rather than serve and it’s my desire to save them from failing that stops me from serving them as a supporting father. The same goes for coaches of individuals, managers of teams and CEOs of organisations. If you’re working hard to save people from themselves, then your not serving them as a leader….you need to let go of control and let them fail. There is no substitute for the feeling of something slip through your fingers. Sometimes allowing people to experience that feeling for themselves is the greatest way to serve them…and yourself.
They need to work harder than you
If you’re working harder on them than you are on yourself, there’s something wrong. Equally, if you’re working harder on them they they are on themselves, stop it right now. Your job as a parent, coach, manager or leader is to be there to love, support, serve and inspire. At no point should you be tearing your hair out with frustration at the lack of reciprocity you are receiving. If you find yourself in that situation, rather than continue to push the proverbial uphill, commit to having an honest conversation about what’s not working. Try not to say something like “I feel like you aren’t putting in the work” but rather try asking “What will it take for you to succeed right now?”. Hopefully the question triggers a valuable discussion to get them back on track. If you get an “I don’t know”….or “I’m not sure” that’s your cue to serve them, not save them, and sometimes that means giving them some breathing space to figure out what they need.
WANT HELP?
Are you keen to explore coaching? Not sure if it’s right for you? Got someone in your team that you think could benefit? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825