The importance of Self Expression in Leadership and Life

If you’ve been following my blog or have worked with me at some point, you’ll be no stranger to my opinions on the importance of self-expression when it comes to living a fulfilled life. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on why I place so much importance on expression in my work, with my clients, and for myself. The answer…. because it’s what I believe we all most need to be effective.

Expression explained

When I speak of expression I wouldn’t blame you for conjuring up images of you telling your boss to get stuffed, having a massive argument with your in-laws, singing at the top of your voice while driving (out of tune if it’s me!) or delivering a speech at your wedding (with the aid of a little bit of booze). Rather, expression is the most honest form of communication you will ever take part in. When somebody fully expresses themselves, regardless of the activity they are engaged in, you can feel it.

A colleague once shared with me that he was a very high-level pianist and loved everything about playing the piano. He explained that when he was playing, it felt like he wasn’t in control of his body, as if he was watching himself play. He further described that it was an amazing feeling to be so connected to what you are doing that you can fully immerse yourself in the task and pour your heart and soul into the activity. People gave him feedback such as “you could feel the passion in your music” and “you played your heart out in that last piece”. In stark contrast, some of his fellow students with the same teacher were technically brilliant at playing the music, but they lacked any emotional connection. When they played, people were impressed but not moved.

In another example from one of my all-time hero’s Bruce Lee, he said during a television interview “Honestly expressing yourself...it is very difficult to do. I mean it is easy for me to put on a show and be cocky and be flooded with a cocky feeling and then feel like pretty cool...or I can make all kind of phony things, you see what I mean, blinded by it or I can show you some really fancy movement. But to express oneself honestly, not lying to oneself...now that, my friend, is very hard to do.” Watching any of Bruce Lee’s films or interviews, you can quickly see how he performed with such intensity and that his presence on set created a legacy that still burns bright today.

Countless other examples can be seen in artists, leaders, writers, speakers, actors, performers, and athletes. No doubt, at this point you can reflect on a similar experience. Perhaps you know what it feels like to be deeply immersed in an activity that you were able to transcend the task and deliver it with emotion? Surely you have experienced a wave of emotion after seeing someone deliver a brilliant performance, a heartfelt speech, or achieve a breakthrough sporting achievement?

My journey with expression

Dangerous comparisons

I grew up in a highly creative and expressive household. My dad, a professional clown, puppeteer, and musician was readily able to access emotion to communicate his message. I used to watch in awe as he was able to cast a spell over his audience. As a street performer, it was as if people were drawn to him the same way they might follow the scent of freshly cooked bread – comforting and irresistible all at the same time. Similarly, my eldest sister is a gifted musician, actress and dancer. Her ability to express what she was feeling through her craft was nothing short of miraculous. While I had an immense amount of pride (and still do) in my dad and sister for their creative genius, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit smaller when I was in their presence. My attempts to express myself seemed to be inadequate and didn’t quite generate the hype that they both received. In my teens I experimented with music, had a go a street performing, dancing, sculpture, visual arts and drama but never felt that my performances or creations were very good. At the time, I desperately wanted some feedback as to what I was doing wrong but lacked the courage to ask and in honesty would not have taken any constructive criticism very well. Deep down, I knew that that I wasn’t making people ‘feel’ anything I just didn’t know how to fix it.

‘Fixing’ the problem?

Feeling like a failure, I made a conscious decision to reinvent myself when I went to university…to be studious, conscientious, academic, but most of all…. stop ‘trying’ to be creative like my dad and sister. I failed dismally at the first three commitments but sadly managed to kill my creative self with resounding success and a multitude of unforeseen consequences.

I became a consultant and mastered the art of ‘professionalism’. Hiding my emotions, using data to drive my decisions, and advising clients using logic. It worked - I was good at my job - that is all. My identity became my job…. there was no emotion, no connection, just the safety of logic. I recall a time where a new friend had invited me out for drinks. He was quite a loud and obnoxious character and he said to me “loosen your tie mate…..what’s with the part in your hair?….relax!”. He didn’t know it, but I’d received the same sort of comment about three times that week already. I was so successful at not expressing myself that I’d become this boring consultant that wore dark suits, a tie, and didn’t know how to be natural.

One day when I was packing my stuff to move houses for the 3rd time in as many years, I opened a box that I’d been carting around for most of my life to inspect the contents. As I fanned through the pages of an art diary, I recognised my creative self in the ink drawings, self-portraits, and various abstract collages. All these years, I’d kept my expression locked away but didn’t want to let it go. I’d created a state of cognitive dissonance which was driving this unfulfilled state I was in. To put it bluntly, I’d been lying to myself about what was most important to me. As we all know, being lied to is not a nice feeling but it’s always coupled with an element of doubt – doubt that you might be wrong or misinterpreting the situation. When you lie to yourself, there is no doubt and that’s what makes it so damaging. Like the blind-spot in your side-mirror while driving, if you aren’t able to change your perspective by glancing over your shoulder you’ll end up having an accident and likely blame the other driver because you couldn’t see them.

The hidden consequences

At the end of another crazy long day, still in the office, I noticed a feeling in my throat. It felt tight…sort of like that lump in your throat you get when you’re about to cry. It lasted a couple of days then slowly went away, I didn’t think much of it. Over the course of the next few months it happened more frequently and was usually coupled with a bit of stress at work. Despite shifting jobs and having different roles this tightness in my throat would keep showing up. I’d all but given up until when sitting with a client in a coaching conversation, I heard my own advice. You see, my client had spoken about how they would become stressed in certain situations so I’d instructed them to describe where they ‘felt’ the stress in their body. They put their right hand on their throat and said “I feel this tightness in my throat...it’s like that feeling you get when you’re about to cry…you know what I mean?”. Alarmed at how accurately they had described what I felt I replied “Yes…I know exactly what you mean”. They went on to say… “It’s as though I’ve got  so much I want to say but I lock it all in, stop myself from saying what needs to be said”.  I mentally stumbled backwards…and there it was, I could finally see what was lurking in my blind spot. While I thought by stopping the pursuit of artistic expression, it would enable me to focus my attention on getting ‘smart’ and ‘knowledgeable’, and ‘successful’. Instead, I shut down all expression which turned me into a boring, frustrated, logic machine that didn’t know how to feel or express in any meaningful way. I felt like a dead man walking.

How to fully express yourself

I still consider myself a novice at this…which ironically is the answer to how you fully express yourself. The secret is to stay ‘empty’. The more content you put into your head, the more distracted you become. This distraction basically dilutes your honest, off-the-cuff, unfiltered expression.

One might think of this as an ability to become intensely focussed to the point where there is nothing else in your awareness at that moment. Like, for example, the stillness and calm you see when Roger Federer hits a backhand in slow-motion. Or the moment a child first finds there balance and takes their first couple of steps. After months of failure and persistence, when they least expect it, they effortlessly do what they previously couldn’t.

I could jot down some mindless points that describe the ‘3 steps to expressing yourself honestly’ or ‘7 strategies to become more open’ but this wouldn’t be of service to you. Instead, I challenge you with this.

Forget all that you know, all that you think you know, and everything you know that you don’t know. As if your brain is a cup filled with water to the brim…. pour it all out. Have the courage to start again and not know anything. In my first ever job interview when they closed with “do you have any questions for me?” not really knowing what to ask (being my first job interview and all) I asked, “what advice to you have for someone starting out in their career?”. The answer they gave has stuck with me forever – “Stay curious”.

At the time I thought I knew a lot, I had it all figured out. I’d created a world where everything made sense, so I didn’t have to experience the vulnerability of not knowing. Little did I know (that pun was totally unintentional) that wall of knowledge that I’d built brick by brick was the same barrier preventing me from expressing what was most important to me.

So, at this point, you might be kicking back on the sofa with the TV remote in hand, ready to ‘empty’ your mind and let go of all that you know. Unfortunately, that’s not what I mean. Like the years of practice Roger Federer devoted to his backhand or the thousands of failed attempts a child makes before they finally walk, you need to earn the right to let go of what you know otherwise, you’re just plain ignorant. Mastery of any kind requires deliberate practice (10 000 hours of it according to Malcolm Gladwell) but at some point, you transcend that practice and you’re able to express what you feel through what you do. This is true of anything…not just music or sport. Like pretty much everything in life, to fully express yourself you need to embrace the paradox of knowing so much that you don’t need to know anything at all. The aim here is to enable yourself to express yourself honestly in everything that you do. This is not simply going through the motions by replicating the moves, plucking the strings or delivering the correct sequence. Instead, it is letting go of safety, slapping your fear in the face and embracing the unknown.

It’s not at all about winning…but it’s all about winning : The paradox of life

“It’s been a rough week,” said one of the other dads standing on the sideline pre-match, thermos in hand at the ready. I gave him a wry smile followed by a confirmatory nod, acknowledging that I too was weary from the five back to back losses our boys had experienced over the preceding three days. Not only that, we’d been battling the bitter cold dished up by Canberra mornings; frost, biting wind, and a little bit of drizzle for extra misery. You see, our boys’ team was firmly lodged at the bottom of the ladder in the soccer tournament, about to play their last match against an undefeated team secured at the top of the ladder. With heavy hearts, everyone was expecting another loss.

The pressure of expectation

Earlier in the week, the boys started out strong, winning their first match comprehensively. In some ways, this set them up for the expectation that they could do very well in the tournament. In contrast, their second match was an absolute disaster, outclassed in pretty much every way. They got crushed with a 6-0 defeat. Following on from that first day the losing streak was maintained. There was a predictable amount of controversy both on an off the field. Some questionable calls by the referee (who appeared to be barely 14 years old) were heavily influenced by the intimidating shouts coming from parents that value soccer more than life itself. Their screams resembling the snarls and growls of an angry dog, foaming at the mouth, ready to attack. Despite the rule of ‘silence on the sidelines’ there were some that couldn’t help it, their desire to win was too great even though they weren’t the ones playing the game.

The dangers of watching from the sideline

We’d all been looking forward to the tournament, knowing that the boys had worked hard to be there. We secretly expected them to do well….and held a desire to see them at least get through to the semi-finals…After all, it was entirely possible? After the jubilation of the first win, you could feel the excitement of the parents lift momentarily before the almost audible ‘thud’ following the first crushing defeat. On the surface, we all say to each other “it’s all about the boys having fun….” or “As long as they do their best and learn something, it will all be worth it”. In reality, what we want to say to each other is “It would be awesome to go home with the cup in hand our boys victors in the tournament” or “I’d love for my boy to experience the joy of being in a team that has what it takes to win against the toughest competition”. What became evident by the end of the week is that the parents were more invested in the team winning than the players were. The challenge with this position is that none of us was able to influence that which we were so invested in. We were powerless, confined to simply watch, support, observe, and stay silent. Victims of our own frustration.

The power of ‘showing up’

The boys are a group of talented young players. They train a couple of times a week and they are all good mates. They take their sport seriously and all have a deep seeded aspiration to become a great soccer player one day. They are however only 10 years old and having fun seems to be the most popular item on the menu. What’s refreshing is that even with the crushing defeats, the boys would get over it quickly. They didn’t dwell on the bad calls, the angry parents on the sidelines, the bullies on the other teams. They kept getting back up and dusting themselves off. Of course, they each had their moments where they were upset with their performance, made mistakes, and felt like they could have done better but they were persistent. They were playing to win but if they lost, the game wasn’t over for them. It’s almost as if they knew they were playing a bigger game of growth and development that was beyond the scope of the tournament.

The outcome

So, here we are, the final match that EVERYONE expects our boys to lose. I’d even had a work call scheduled for the first half so wouldn’t have to endure the assault but, as it often happens, my call was rescheduled. I was locked into watching the entire game. As they were warming up, another this other dad and I noted while sipping on our hot tea fresh from the thermos, that the boys seemed unusually vocal. They were talking to each other a lot. The chatter was positive and constant which created a vibe around the team. Their body language was ‘up’, they seemed confident…not about winning but about how they were going to play their game. Just before they ran onto the field, I grabbed my son’s attention and said “hey mate, what’s the plan”. He said, “We’re going to play to win and have fun”. What unfolded next was nothing short of glorious. The boys played their best game yet. It was a tight tussle which ended with a victory to our boys who managed to defeat the undefeated. What started as a melancholic conversation about the week that had been, ended with every parent giving each other high fives. As one of the parents, I know how tempting it is to remedy any situation with the cliché of “it’s not about winning…it’s about having fun”. Reality speaks a different language and that sounds more like “losing feels crap, especially if you know you can do better”. The trick is to keep playing to win even when you’ve been on a massive losing streak. While their campaign was over and the opposing team still progressed through to the semi-finals, they were later beaten in the semi’s and denied a place in the final that I’m sure they had their minds set on.

Leadership lessons from the sideline

Just in case you got caught up in the ‘story’ of it all, I thought it would be helpful to summarise some of the leadership lessons that spending a week with hopeful parents and a group of competitive 10-year-old boys has taught me.

1.       Expectations are poison – The best movie I ever saw was the one that I didn’t plan to see. I had no idea about the genre and the title gave nothing away so when I watched the film I was totally engaged, in-the-moment and enthralled. The opposite can be said of the worst movie I ever saw, the hype and expectations were so great that the movie couldn’t deliver. Similarly, when we have our heart set on an outcome such as a sporting event, academic achievement, relationship, job offer etc. We are living in a fantasy, one that is not grounded in the present moment. Don’t get me wrong, we need to set clear expectations at work to get results but when you find yourself drifting into the realm of fantasy, pull back, you’re ironically setting yourself up for a remarkable fall from grace.

2.       Is it about you…or them? – This is a tough one because nobody likes to admit that they have an ego and everyone likes to think that they put the needs of others before their own. The truth is, altruism is rare, and some would argue doesn’t really exist. I could tell myself that sacrificing a week of my time was all in the best interest of my son and his aspiration to be a soccer star but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I like watching him play soccer, I like watching the team succeed and deep down I feel part of that success which strokes my ego. At work, this can be seen often when teams or individuals are awarded recognition for outstanding achievement. Whether it’s the manager’s intention or not, it’s impossible not to connect oneself with the success of the team or individual. Like the parents cheering (or snarling) from the sideline, it’s a combination of wanting what’s best for the team and what’s best for you. Once you understand that you are indeed selfishly invested (at least a bit) you’ll be able to reconcile some of the anxiety or stress you feel when things aren’t quite going according to plan.

3.       Keep ‘showing up’ – Like much of life the ability to keep showing up is 90% of the battle. If we decide to stay in bed at the first hint of a challenge, we will likely never make it past the challenges of kindergarten. Regardless of how tough it is, how “it won’t make a difference” or “it’s hopeless”. The power of simply showing up and having a go carries more weight than anything else. Many people go through the motions, but this is not showing up. ‘Showing up’ can be defined as being present both physically and mentally to fully engage with the task at hand. The temptation to give up is strong especially when things aren’t going your way. It is in those moments that the truth about who you are and what you are capable of is revealed.  

4.       It’s not about winning, but it’s all about winning – Political correctness says that I should encourage my son to play for fun and not push him to be competitive. On this point, I fundamentally disagree and proudly admit that I encourage my son to play to win but make sure that he’s having fun in the process. I know he loves soccer and works hard to develop himself. I think it’s brilliant that at such a young age the boys all demonstrated a relentless commitment to their development as individuals in a team that wants to win. It’s that spirit, courage and tenacity that will enable all of them to succeed. In business, if you don’t win your customers’ hearts and minds, you lose. It’s tough, cold, relentless but in the real world, nobody is going to soften the blow for you. The balance is right when you’re doing something that you love, that matters, that’s worth fighting for but you also have fun with it.

5.       It’s all in your head – There are countless examples of people achieving extraordinary things that reinforce the same point. What your mind wants, your body will deliver and what your body delivers your mind wants. In other words, by thinking you create desire and by doing you gain satisfaction. If it’s combat-sports, extreme strength, cold exposure, wealth accrual, scientific breakthroughs, artistic expression, or motivational leadership; If people had used logical reasoning to achieve their goals, they would have quit long before their breakthrough. Possibilities will always remain unknown to you, that is until you do the impossible.

The moral of the story?

If you want to live a fulfilled life, behave like a bunch of 10-year-olds playing soccer in a competitive tournament. You’ll have your moments of glory, setbacks, mistakes, unfair calls, injuries, a bunch of tears and a whole lot of disappointment. Always play to win, but make sure you also play to have fun. If you’re feeling a bunch of pressure from some onlookers from the sideline ‘supporting’ you, don’t play for them, they are there for themselves as much as they are there for you. Play your own game

Emotions trump talent and purpose: Like a kite without a string

My Story

It was windy, very windy, the perfect day to fly a kite. I was about 12 years old and the proud owner of a stunt kite…you know the triangular shaped ones that do loops and spins once you’ve learned how to master them. Well, given the wind was blowing I thought I’d take my kite for a spin but not just as it was, I wanted to see how high it could go so I craftily enhanced it by tying an extra 200metres of 30-pound fishing line onto the existing string. This was going to be good! I appealed to a couple of mates to come to join me but to no avail. I didn’t care…the excitement of flying my stunt kite in near gale forced winds with an extra 200 metres of line propelled me to my destination.

My heart was beating with anticipation, the wind so strong now that I had to lean into it unnaturally to remain upright. I set flight and my kite took off angrily, bucking and pulling like a wild brumby. The wind was so strong I quickly let all the string out and reached the fishing line that I had tied on for extra height. The kite was so high now I could hardly see it and the tension on the line was so extreme the line was making sounds resembling an out of tune banjo being plucked.

I was now struggling to hold onto the plastic reel that housed the fishing line and began to lose my grip. I quickly looked around my feet and picked up a stick that I could put through the reel enabling me to let more line out and give my hands a break. The line screamed as the reel whizzed with frightening acceleration. I looked up to glimpse at my kite which was merely a dot in the sky and that’s when it happened. The whizzing sound was interrupted with a loud crack. I slowly looked down and saw that the plastic reel had shattered, a large shard had stabbed straight through the webbing in my left hand between my thumb and index finger.

In shock I sprinted home clutching my left wrist, trying not to look at the wound as it rhythmically showered my feet with spurts of blood, ever-quickening as the tempo of my heart raced. Once I got home, I raised the alarm to my mum who was trying to remain calm but to me, felt like a severe case of apathy. Like it couldn’t get any worse, I remember the agonisingly slow and sheepish way my mum uttered the words “I can’t remember where I put my keys”.  The rest of the story is predictable…. mum found keys… arrive at hospital… remove plastic from hand… insert stitches…contemplate a few hard lessons to carry me forward.

My Insight

Later that afternoon once I’d been stitched up and got back home, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the kite. My curiosity getting the better of me, I walked back to the offending location hoping that the jagged reel had gotten caught on a tree or bush. No such luck, that kite had set sail…never to be seen again. Whenever I hear someone say “like a kite without a string”…I look down at my left hand and massage the painful scar tissue that remains. What happened that day is the perfect demonstration of how heightened emotions can override the application of talent and purpose to one’s detriment. Let me explain….

When coaching my clients I focus on 3 areas; Strengths focus (understanding one's strengths and knowing how to effectively apply them), Alignment with purpose (articulating ones purpose and remaining aligned to it) and emotional regulation (the ability to remain present and not succumb to the temptation of what one believes vs what is real). Regardless of how well attuned you are to your strengths or how well aligned you are with your purpose, if you can’t manage your emotions, you’re in trouble. That day, my purpose was clear- I wanted to fly a kite as high as it could go. I leveraged my strengths of curiosity, resourcefulness and independence to follow through on my desire. My emotional state, on the other hand, was not at all in check. I knew it was dangerous and could feel it to the core of my gut. I was a little shaky with anticipation due to the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I was rushing, not thinking, over-riding my cautious conscience. Indeed, my emotions were trumping my purpose and strengths, but I couldn’t help it. My emotions were fuelling my action which in turn fanned the flames of my uneasy emotional state. My logical brain had been hijacked in pursuit of instant gratification.

While I was only 12, developmental psychology tells us that it’s at this stage that we start to form our logical reasoning (See Jean Piaget’s theory of cognitive development). So my excuses for being young and foolish are generally accepted but don’t reflect the truth that I know.

When I’m coaching people about challenges and issues, it’s almost unanimously due to them not being able to get present to and regulate their emotions. Like my 12-year-old self, they get seductively drawn into behaviours that reward them at that moment but generally lead to an outcome that is undesirable. Unfortunately for me, my hand came off second best but many people say and do things they regret when their emotions have hijacked their ability to think and reason. The result for them? regret, guilt, loss of control, anger, anxiety, helplessness etc.

My advice

Next time you get that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach stop what you’re doing. Take a moment to focus on your breath to re-centre yourself and activate your parasympathetic nervous system. It’s at this point that you can make a conscious choice about what you do next without feeling like you’re navigating rapids on a river without a paddle. The best way to ensure that you don’t end up like a kite without a string lost forever to the gale forced winds of mother nature; regulate your emotions. For many of you…..you’re saying “that’s easier said than done…especially when you’re in the heat of the moment”. I agree, but other than aspiring to achieve personal mastery through a relentless commitment to self-development, we stagnate, re-iterate and keep repeating the same behavioural patterns. The patterns and tendencies we all face will continue to be there, it’s our ability to recognise the internal cues (that feeling in your gut, or the shakiness in your body) to help us arrest the pattern of behaviour before it’s too late. It’s not easy, it takes discipline and it’s always necessary. It may sound exhausting but when someone is feeling like a kite without a string they’ll do anything to have someone grab the end and start winding them back to earth...that is of course if they’re not already lost forever.