How to express yourself without losing your SH!T

Following on from a conversation I had with a client recently, we discussed a uniquely human challenge that all humans face. That is, how do we honestly express ourselves without losing control to the point of yelling, screaming or engaging in a physical display of our emotions? In other words, how can you express yourself without losing your sh!t?

As a parent of four, I know how easy it is to ‘lose your sh!t’ when your kids aren’t listening, haven’t done their homework, are squabbling amongst themselves over whose turn it is on the Xbox or tell you that they’ve forgotten something upon arrival at your destination - after repeatedly prompting them with ‘don’t forget to bring….’.

We’ve all got our different thresholds of tolerating what we deem to be unacceptable behaviour but once that threshold is crossed, it triggers a surge of emotion like a tsunami rippling out from the epicentre of an earthquake under the ocean. Once it has been triggered, there’s no stopping it….at that point, it’s about weathering the storm and dealing with the path of destruction that it leaves behind.

The importance of being heard

For me, I know that there is something primal that happens inside me when I’m not feeling heard, and in the familiarity of my own home is where my primal scream is unleashed. For those that know me professionally, they probably can’t imagine me getting angry or screaming at my kids. Trust me, my kids can confirm that it happens. The truth is, I’m not proud of it. It’s not aligned with who I am, what I represent nor how I want my kids to experience me as their dad. What’s more, if I get really honest with myself, those times when I’m not feeling heard at home are usually just the tip of the iceberg. There is a whole raft of things that sit just beneath the surface that are contributing to the pressure that is building. The trick is to know how to release some of that pressure in small amounts so it never gets to the point of a gigantic explosion that has built up over time.

To deliver your message and it be heard, you need the right amount of emotion. Too much and it explodes…too little and your message fizzles out and doesn’t go anywhere. Think of it like a rocket. To get enough thrust to take off, fuel needs to burn with enough ferocity that the gases are forced through the small hole at the bottom creating the momentum to move through the air. Too much ferocity and the rocket simply explodes. Not enough and the rocket never takes off. A perfectly designed rocket is intense but also beautiful as it streaks through the sky leaving a trail of brilliance behind it.

I think we’ve all been trained so well to be ‘professional’, ‘polite’, ‘nice’, and ‘respectful’ that we’re not expressing ourselves honestly most of the time. We spend a lot of energy making sure that we don’t ‘upset people’ or say something that might not ‘go down well’ so we end up suppressing all of it…until we can’t contain the pressure anymore and BOOOOM! We create a cycle of communication with our kids, partners, work colleagues, friends and extended family that perpetually follows this pattern.

Depending on your personality, you’ll have your own threshold of tolerance and level of ‘ferocity’ behind your messages. I’m not advocating to change who you are but more so enhancing how you are experienced by providing people with an opportunity to hear your message. Imagine how amazing you would feel if every time you spoke people totally ‘got’ you. No need to repeat yourself, raise your voice, bang fists on tables or refrain from saying anything out of fear that you’ll say something you’ll regret.

The relationship between clarity and emotion

In 1908, Yerkes and Dodson demonstrated the relationship between pressure and performance as what they called the inverted u-curve. Their discovery was quite simple, for certain tasks you need the right level of pressure or arousal to perform at your peak. I recall some exams that I’ve sat in the past where I was yawning and a little too relaxed beforehand. Not surprisingly, my performance was hindered because my mind wasn’t fully switched on. It would have been ideal to have a little bit of anxiety to ensure that I was alert and ready to put my brain to work. The opposite has been true before an athletics carnival as a kid. I remember been so wound-up about it because I wanted to be the under 13 years Athletics Champion that my body was shaking like a leaf before the 200-metre sprint, one of my best events. During the race, I felt like I had lead weights attached to my feet as I watched the other runners fly past me as if I was in slow motion. In both cases, I could not perform at my peak due to either too much or too little arousal. This is the same when it comes to delivering a clear and powerful message…too much emotion and you’ll come across as ferocious and your message will be lost. Too little emotion and your message will be received as bland or lackadaisical or simply just fizzle out. With the right amount of emotion the clarity of your message is enhanced to the point of being optimally forthright.

Fig 1. The relationship between clarity and emotion. When a message is charged with too much emotion it is perceived to be ferocious and you are far less likely to be heard. Too little emotion and you message fizzles out . An optimised message is forthright with the perfect balance of emotion behind it.

The optimal message

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article describing the approach of taking the fire out of your feedback by focussing on the Facts rather than the Interpretation, Reaction or the End in mind. This is a great approach but for some, it’s an opportunity to be robotic in their delivery (just focussing on the facts without any emotion) or creates a huge amount of tension for somebody who is trying to contain the eruption inside of them. While there is no perfect solution to delivering the optimal message, here are a couple of strategies that work.

Before jumping in headfirst, ask yourself “How do I want to be experienced?”. By stepping outside of yourself you instantly become more self-aware and are better able to determine if you are behaving in alignment with your intention.

• Take a moment to evaluate your physiological state. If you’re all stressed and wired, your message will be drowned out by the corticosteroids coursing through your veins. If your body isn’t right, people will pick up on it straight away instantly raising the ‘red flag’. Do what you can to get centred and present so your message will be heard. There are a thousand things you could do such as- take a brisk walk, meditation, try to juggle three balls, strike a yoga pose etc.

• The context plays an incredibly important role in how your message is delivered and received. A formal message may lose its impact if delivered on a park bench by the beach. Conversely, a heartfelt discussion may be lost amongst the formality of a company boardroom. Make sure that you put some thought into the environment and how it will influence the interpretation of your message.

• The relationship you have with the person receiving the message is also a critical consideration. A family member will evoke a different emotion to a boss. Equally, a person that you don’t like will evoke a different emotion to a person that you really enjoy spending time with. Your message will always be influenced by the strength of the bond you share with the receiver, take a moment to reflect on how this is contributing to your emotional state.

• Notice what you are telling yourself. Whatever you are telling yourself becomes a prelude to what happens next. Too often we invest so much energy in a preemptive determination of an outcome, which usually represents the outcome we don’t want. Instead, invest your energy in the outcome you do want to increase the likelihood of being heard.

As a final thought, I want you to press pause for a moment and acknowledge that if you are reading this, then you are human. We all experience those moments where everything gets a bit too much, we are overwhelmed by life’s challenges and we will inevitably lose our sh!t. Rather than beat yourself up about it, take the time to reflect on how people experienced you during your tirade. Notice how you felt in your body, recognise the impact it had on your relationships and consider the context you were in at the time it all blew up. Finally, identify what you were telling yourself before it all went pear-shaped. What you tell yourself is the secret that will unlock the mystery behind why you don’t feel heard. Solve this riddle and I guarantee you’ll be able to express yourself without losing your sh!t.

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A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME

I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.

If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825

The importance of Self Expression in Leadership and Life

If you’ve been following my blog or have worked with me at some point, you’ll be no stranger to my opinions on the importance of self-expression when it comes to living a fulfilled life. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on why I place so much importance on expression in my work, with my clients, and for myself. The answer…. because it’s what I believe we all most need to be effective.

Expression explained

When I speak of expression I wouldn’t blame you for conjuring up images of you telling your boss to get stuffed, having a massive argument with your in-laws, singing at the top of your voice while driving (out of tune if it’s me!) or delivering a speech at your wedding (with the aid of a little bit of booze). Rather, expression is the most honest form of communication you will ever take part in. When somebody fully expresses themselves, regardless of the activity they are engaged in, you can feel it.

A colleague once shared with me that he was a very high-level pianist and loved everything about playing the piano. He explained that when he was playing, it felt like he wasn’t in control of his body, as if he was watching himself play. He further described that it was an amazing feeling to be so connected to what you are doing that you can fully immerse yourself in the task and pour your heart and soul into the activity. People gave him feedback such as “you could feel the passion in your music” and “you played your heart out in that last piece”. In stark contrast, some of his fellow students with the same teacher were technically brilliant at playing the music, but they lacked any emotional connection. When they played, people were impressed but not moved.

In another example from one of my all-time hero’s Bruce Lee, he said during a television interview “Honestly expressing yourself...it is very difficult to do. I mean it is easy for me to put on a show and be cocky and be flooded with a cocky feeling and then feel like pretty cool...or I can make all kind of phony things, you see what I mean, blinded by it or I can show you some really fancy movement. But to express oneself honestly, not lying to oneself...now that, my friend, is very hard to do.” Watching any of Bruce Lee’s films or interviews, you can quickly see how he performed with such intensity and that his presence on set created a legacy that still burns bright today.

Countless other examples can be seen in artists, leaders, writers, speakers, actors, performers, and athletes. No doubt, at this point you can reflect on a similar experience. Perhaps you know what it feels like to be deeply immersed in an activity that you were able to transcend the task and deliver it with emotion? Surely you have experienced a wave of emotion after seeing someone deliver a brilliant performance, a heartfelt speech, or achieve a breakthrough sporting achievement?

My journey with expression

Dangerous comparisons

I grew up in a highly creative and expressive household. My dad, a professional clown, puppeteer, and musician was readily able to access emotion to communicate his message. I used to watch in awe as he was able to cast a spell over his audience. As a street performer, it was as if people were drawn to him the same way they might follow the scent of freshly cooked bread – comforting and irresistible all at the same time. Similarly, my eldest sister is a gifted musician, actress and dancer. Her ability to express what she was feeling through her craft was nothing short of miraculous. While I had an immense amount of pride (and still do) in my dad and sister for their creative genius, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit smaller when I was in their presence. My attempts to express myself seemed to be inadequate and didn’t quite generate the hype that they both received. In my teens I experimented with music, had a go a street performing, dancing, sculpture, visual arts and drama but never felt that my performances or creations were very good. At the time, I desperately wanted some feedback as to what I was doing wrong but lacked the courage to ask and in honesty would not have taken any constructive criticism very well. Deep down, I knew that that I wasn’t making people ‘feel’ anything I just didn’t know how to fix it.

‘Fixing’ the problem?

Feeling like a failure, I made a conscious decision to reinvent myself when I went to university…to be studious, conscientious, academic, but most of all…. stop ‘trying’ to be creative like my dad and sister. I failed dismally at the first three commitments but sadly managed to kill my creative self with resounding success and a multitude of unforeseen consequences.

I became a consultant and mastered the art of ‘professionalism’. Hiding my emotions, using data to drive my decisions, and advising clients using logic. It worked - I was good at my job - that is all. My identity became my job…. there was no emotion, no connection, just the safety of logic. I recall a time where a new friend had invited me out for drinks. He was quite a loud and obnoxious character and he said to me “loosen your tie mate…..what’s with the part in your hair?….relax!”. He didn’t know it, but I’d received the same sort of comment about three times that week already. I was so successful at not expressing myself that I’d become this boring consultant that wore dark suits, a tie, and didn’t know how to be natural.

One day when I was packing my stuff to move houses for the 3rd time in as many years, I opened a box that I’d been carting around for most of my life to inspect the contents. As I fanned through the pages of an art diary, I recognised my creative self in the ink drawings, self-portraits, and various abstract collages. All these years, I’d kept my expression locked away but didn’t want to let it go. I’d created a state of cognitive dissonance which was driving this unfulfilled state I was in. To put it bluntly, I’d been lying to myself about what was most important to me. As we all know, being lied to is not a nice feeling but it’s always coupled with an element of doubt – doubt that you might be wrong or misinterpreting the situation. When you lie to yourself, there is no doubt and that’s what makes it so damaging. Like the blind-spot in your side-mirror while driving, if you aren’t able to change your perspective by glancing over your shoulder you’ll end up having an accident and likely blame the other driver because you couldn’t see them.

The hidden consequences

At the end of another crazy long day, still in the office, I noticed a feeling in my throat. It felt tight…sort of like that lump in your throat you get when you’re about to cry. It lasted a couple of days then slowly went away, I didn’t think much of it. Over the course of the next few months it happened more frequently and was usually coupled with a bit of stress at work. Despite shifting jobs and having different roles this tightness in my throat would keep showing up. I’d all but given up until when sitting with a client in a coaching conversation, I heard my own advice. You see, my client had spoken about how they would become stressed in certain situations so I’d instructed them to describe where they ‘felt’ the stress in their body. They put their right hand on their throat and said “I feel this tightness in my throat...it’s like that feeling you get when you’re about to cry…you know what I mean?”. Alarmed at how accurately they had described what I felt I replied “Yes…I know exactly what you mean”. They went on to say… “It’s as though I’ve got  so much I want to say but I lock it all in, stop myself from saying what needs to be said”.  I mentally stumbled backwards…and there it was, I could finally see what was lurking in my blind spot. While I thought by stopping the pursuit of artistic expression, it would enable me to focus my attention on getting ‘smart’ and ‘knowledgeable’, and ‘successful’. Instead, I shut down all expression which turned me into a boring, frustrated, logic machine that didn’t know how to feel or express in any meaningful way. I felt like a dead man walking.

How to fully express yourself

I still consider myself a novice at this…which ironically is the answer to how you fully express yourself. The secret is to stay ‘empty’. The more content you put into your head, the more distracted you become. This distraction basically dilutes your honest, off-the-cuff, unfiltered expression.

One might think of this as an ability to become intensely focussed to the point where there is nothing else in your awareness at that moment. Like, for example, the stillness and calm you see when Roger Federer hits a backhand in slow-motion. Or the moment a child first finds there balance and takes their first couple of steps. After months of failure and persistence, when they least expect it, they effortlessly do what they previously couldn’t.

I could jot down some mindless points that describe the ‘3 steps to expressing yourself honestly’ or ‘7 strategies to become more open’ but this wouldn’t be of service to you. Instead, I challenge you with this.

Forget all that you know, all that you think you know, and everything you know that you don’t know. As if your brain is a cup filled with water to the brim…. pour it all out. Have the courage to start again and not know anything. In my first ever job interview when they closed with “do you have any questions for me?” not really knowing what to ask (being my first job interview and all) I asked, “what advice to you have for someone starting out in their career?”. The answer they gave has stuck with me forever – “Stay curious”.

At the time I thought I knew a lot, I had it all figured out. I’d created a world where everything made sense, so I didn’t have to experience the vulnerability of not knowing. Little did I know (that pun was totally unintentional) that wall of knowledge that I’d built brick by brick was the same barrier preventing me from expressing what was most important to me.

So, at this point, you might be kicking back on the sofa with the TV remote in hand, ready to ‘empty’ your mind and let go of all that you know. Unfortunately, that’s not what I mean. Like the years of practice Roger Federer devoted to his backhand or the thousands of failed attempts a child makes before they finally walk, you need to earn the right to let go of what you know otherwise, you’re just plain ignorant. Mastery of any kind requires deliberate practice (10 000 hours of it according to Malcolm Gladwell) but at some point, you transcend that practice and you’re able to express what you feel through what you do. This is true of anything…not just music or sport. Like pretty much everything in life, to fully express yourself you need to embrace the paradox of knowing so much that you don’t need to know anything at all. The aim here is to enable yourself to express yourself honestly in everything that you do. This is not simply going through the motions by replicating the moves, plucking the strings or delivering the correct sequence. Instead, it is letting go of safety, slapping your fear in the face and embracing the unknown.