Most of us have wrestled the question of our own intelligence based on performance at school, the complexity of jobs we have performed or scores on formal intelligence tests. Similarly, we may have questioned our emotional intelligence based on our ability to read others emotions, influence others, and maintain a strong social circle. I wonder how many of you have ever questioned how physically intelligent you are?

A few weeks ago, I looked in the mirror and knew it was time to get my hair cut. I went to my usual barber which is one of those places that’s probably meant for people in their twenties, but when it comes to a haircut, I’m a creature of habit. I’m not fussy about who cuts my hair, so I waited patiently for my turn. I was in a bit of a hurry that day so I’d ever so gently asked how long it would be. I got an apologetic response from one of the staff who indicated that there were a few people that had called in sick. Next thing I know, a very muscular guy (in a freaky steroid type way) emerges from a ‘staff only’ room out the back still chewing on his lunch to ask what was ‘up’. As I watched him flex his way toward me, I meekly replied “nothing….just checking in on how long the wait is” and quickly retreated to my seat fearing that I’d not only interrupted this guys lunch but also triggered his extremely low threshold for wanting to fight somebody! I sighed in relief as he asserted his dominance over me and manoeuvred his muscle-bound body back to the feeding trough…. I mean lunchroom.

It was mid-afternoon and I was about to step into a meeting when my phone rang. I noticed it was my eldest son calling so decided to answer it. He was upset, crying in fact. There was a bunch of screaming happening in the background which made it hard to decipher what he was saying. I cottoned on that there had been an argument revolving around the Xbox, a boring recurrence in a family home filled with devices, wifi, and computer game addicts. I could feel my frustration building as my previous threats to get rid of the Xbox altogether had obviously failed. I told the kids to avoid each other until I got home so we could sort out the issue. Later, I arrived home and was immediately greeted at the front door by my eldest son. I caught a glimpse of my second son’s heels as he retreated to the back yard to avoid any confrontation. As it turns out, the boys had been playing games all day and couldn’t suppress their frustrations any longer. They got physically violent with each other resulting in a TV remote being thrown point-blank at the other one’s head! Fortunately, my eldest son ducked to avoid getting hit and consequently, the TV remote smashed straight through the window.

Having started my career helping people measure and shift engagement, I’m no stranger to the myriad of ploys utilised by people to make how they feel somebody else’s fault. At the crux of it all, we don’t like feeling crappy about ourselves but if you do, you want to be able to attribute some sort of cause or reason for why you are feeling crappy. The most logical thing to do is to look at something external as the cause. For example, when I speak with people in business they are very quick to outline all of the issues that exist within their team and organisation and in many ways find that process quite cathartic. However, when those same people are sitting in a meeting with their teammates, their decisive, laser-like diagnosis of the problems are nowhere to be seen.

Have you ever felt like what you do serves no purpose? Like it doesn’t really matter or the impact you have on the world is minimal? For years I felt this way and couldn’t understand how everybody else seemingly had it all sorted out from a very early age. As a teenager and young man, I felt so inadequate most of the time that I basically forced myself into a box so I could feel aligned to something, know my contribution, and feel like what I was doing served a purpose. While this strategy kept me busy, I became a social chameleon, priding myself on my ability to blend in, go unnoticed and fit within any context.

ne of the most memorable conversations I’ve ever had was with a senior leader that was taking part in my coaching program. We were going through the normal process of getting to know one another to pave the way for a deeper connection. As I was describing my coaching model which includes three key focus areas; Strengths Focus, Alignment to Purpose, and Emotional Regulation I was stopped in my tracks when he said: “Focussing on your strengths doesn’t work….if you do, you become complacent and entitled”. At this point, I knew I had my work cut-out for me but as always, refrained from expressing my disagreement with his statement so I could better understand his perspective.