The Fishbowl: Real life, Real people, Real cases | Adam Camerlengo

As part of my regular posts, I’m introducing a new series call ‘The Fishbowl’ that focusses on real people and how they self-reflect, prioritise, make decisions and show up in the world. It takes courage to put yourself out there and share aspects of who you are and what you believe has shaped you and your life. However, I strongly believe (and my experiences and my clients’) suggest that when you demonstrate courage and show a bit of vulnerability, it enables you to grow and expand. For anybody reading this, take the opportunity to self-reflect and potentially see yourself in their stories and learn from their own insights and courage. You never know, you too might feel compelled to share a bit more of who you are with the world….what’s the worst that could happen?

Introducing Adam

Adam and I first met in the Karate dojo about two years ago. In that period of time, I’ve seen Adam kick some serious goals in life such as compete in a Karate tournament held in Malaysia representing Australia, obtain his black belt, further progress in completing his degree toward becoming a fully qualified Chiropractor and volunteered much of his personal time to establish himself as a loved and valued member of the Artarmon Shinkyokushin Karate Dojo.

For anybody that knows Adam, he is a fast talker and can sometimes, according to Adam, be overlooked as a bit of a ‘class clown’ so people tend not to take him seriously. Over a two hour chat armed with an iced coffee, a beautifully air-conditioned building where we could escape the thick white smoke that is currently choking Sydney, Adam (with a little bit of help from his great friend Vera) shared his story with me and ultimately answered the question “how did you end up here?”.

The conversation began with Adam launching into stream-of-consciousness type flow of verbal expression that reflected Freud’s free association technique without the couch. There was no need for me to lead with a question, Adam was already there, masking his nervousness about agreeing to ‘share his story’ with me by talking without taking a breath for the first 5mins. Once he finally did stop for breath, he asked: “so how does this work…. what are we going to do?”

The stories we tell ourselves

I asked Adam to share his story with all of us because he has recently experienced a series of significant accomplishments. It’s brilliant to see when somebody is in their flow, taking the bull by the horns and leading a fulfilled life. My intrigue with Adam and his story lies not in his accomplishments but more so in what he tells himself when nobody else is listening. Sometimes these stories are so automatic and well-rehearsed that we are no longer aware of them. On the other hand, sometimes they are so dominant that we can’t focus our attention on anything else. What is clear, whether we are aware of what we tell ourselves or not, they play a significant and profound role in how we live our life, shape our future, and interact with the world around us. They influence how we related to others, communicate our message, reflect on challenges or opportunities, experience love, hate or any other emotion. Fundamentally, what we tell ourselves has a huge impact on everything that we do.

Adam’s ‘story’

Before I even finished my sentence explaining the concept underlying the stories we tell ourselves, like any self-confessed fast talker, Adam quickly interjected with a wry smile and slightly flippant tone stating “that’s easy, my story is that I’m not good enough and I’m not working hard enough”. Indeed Adam is very self-aware of his own story and how that has contributed to shaping him to this very day. He may not have gone to the lengths of illuminating how dominant this story has been in shaping his behaviour and the outcomes he has achieved. He is, however, aware of the agitation that it creates, like an old injury that only shows up during the coldest months of the year….it’s always there but we sometimes forget how it is affecting us until it stops us from doing what we want.

Following Adam’s admission to the story that he habitually tells himself, I probed further to understand if he knew where it came from. This was where the conversation got tangential – which for a speed talker like Adam means we covered his story in a pattern that resembled a Mr squiggle drawing (apologies for those too young to understand the reference…..watch the YouTube clip!) i.e. It starts with a few dashes on a page that iteratively morphs into a comprehensive image. In short, he couldn’t articulate exactly where it came from but through verbalising his thoughts, we managed to get to the core.

The ‘drunken man’s’ stagger

Adam, like most of us, has not taken a linear path through life thus far. Very rarely does someone decide what they want to be early in life and seamlessly make it a reality. It does happen….but more often than not, our journey resembles something that looks more like a drunken man’s stagger….swaying from one side to the other, backward and forward, around in a few small circles to finally land at a destination. At that point, the drunken man sobers up and says to himself “how did I get here?”.

With surprise in his voice, Adam affirms that he was actually one of the ‘cool kids’ at school. He wasn’t quite sure how it happened but given one of the kids in his group was a budding AFL superstar (no small thing in Victoria) he was cool by association no through his own sporting prowess. He also had a gift for music that stemmed from his mother. He was encouraged to get involved in all music, art and drama at school. While his understanding of music is savant-like, his real passion emerged in Drama.

Adam has always felt underestimated, which he admits he likes. It gives him an edge over those that put him in the ‘class clown’ box. For those that did make fun of him or disrespect him, he quite simply didn’t take shit from anyone and stood up for himself. Knowing that others underestimated him, he used this as fuel to motivate him to work harder and not be predicted by inferential statistics like everyone else.

He went on to study performing arts at university with the intention of establishing himself as an actor. Following a lot of hard work, knock-backs, and part-time jobs in coffee shops and bars Adam realised he wasn’t happy. While he was battling to make himself a name in showbiz, he took an interest in mixed martial arts and inspired by George St Pierre took a few classes in Kyokushin Karate. Soon after, he started taking his training more seriously than his career. It was through a routine visit to an inspirational chiropractor that Adam had been seeing for a hip injury (most likely agitated from practising martial arts) he was persuaded to explore getting qualified as a Chiro. His first response to the suggestion “I’m not smart enough to do that”.

Right here we see a simple comparison with family members, accomplished friends, academically successful peers or authoritative professionals. The story of “I’m not good enough, smart enough, big enough, strong enough……. ENOUGH!” kicks into gear. It’s a toxic story that only through grit, pure determination, and consistency can we succeed despite the crippling distraction from our own imagined foibles. Fortunately for Adam, Karate was an anchor for him to challenge his deep-seated belief that he wasn’t good enough and wasn’t working hard enough. Shinkyokushin is well known globally to be one of the strongest forms of Karate in the world. The training is tough and unrelenting with an undertone of ‘never give up’. The philosophy of karate reinforces to never be enough and never work hard enough. Indeed there is no end game…no goal to achieve…no state in which you rest. Even when obtaining a black belt, which Adam has recently achieved, you are welcomed into what is known to be the ‘void’. Below is an excerpt from a training manual explaining the transition a Black Belt makes upon successful completion of the grading.

Fig 1 Ku - The ‘Void’

KU- The Void. When we are born we know nothing. Through training, we strive to achieve a different level of “nothing”. At first, the body controls the mind, then the mind controls the body. Ultimately the mind is clear and can ignore problems, anger, worry and become calm. This is the way to live a happy life.

Working hard for things you want?

There is a lot of wisdom in working hard to get results, and a truckload of evidence to support that it works. The challenge with this approach is that you can spend your whole life working really hard to obtain a trophy, car, family,  house, status, job title, or belt colour (in the case of Karate) without really knowing what you want.

In the absence of knowing what you really want, you are susceptible to your own imagination which emerges in the form of bullshit stories that you tell yourself….just like Adam (and all of us for that matter) has done for his whole life. The energy and focus it takes to override such toxic stories is far greater than the effort we put into knowing what we want. Just imagine if you redirected all that energy toward your aspirations.

The trick for Adam…and all of us for that matter is to change our focus. Rather than working hard to achieve what we want, we need to work really hard to KNOW what we want. This is not a one-off tick-the-box exercise but an ongoing commitment to the most important project you’ll ever work on….YOU. The best way to do this is to ask yourself often, ‘What is most important to me right now?’ Answer it honestly, work toward aligning yourself to what is most important and your whole life will make a lot more sense.

True Perspective

Like many of you reading this, Adam is very intelligent. He is going to graduate with his second degree, has a black belt and competed in karate tournaments against top-level opponents. Despite all of that, he still tells himself that he’s not smart enough, not good enough and doesn’t know if he’s working hard enough. How is it that someone who is intelligent and achieves so much in life still believes falsities that he tells himself in stark contrast to what all the evidence suggests? One of the greatest lies we can ever tell ourselves is that how we think others perceive us is true. If you’re feeling sorry for Adam right now, don’t. Take a moment to see yourself in his story and recognise that while you might have a slightly different way of expressing it, you also have a story that rules you, that you believe to be true despite all of the evidence that suggests that it isn’t!

Once you know your story, what do you do next?

The answer lies in neuroscience and the simple truth that [1]‘neurons that wire together fire together’. Every time Adam faces a challenge or sees something like a stretch goal, his default pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving is linked back to ‘not good enough’. We build ‘evidence’ to confirm what we already ‘know’ (this is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy). The best way to break this is to introduce a roadblock, power surge or hijacking of the existing pattern. This is something that fundamentally challenges what we tell ourselves, how we see ourselves and subsequently how we behave. I call this circuit breaker True Perspective which represents the overlap of how we see ourselves with how others see and experience us. It’s more than being self-aware, it is our self-concept in action. True Perspective is seeing yourself the way the rest of the world sees you. In this case, I didn’t ask Adam’s friends, family, colleagues and clients to provide their rating of him so it isn’t a fair representation of Adam because it is only made up of Adam’s self-concept. He did, however, have his good friend Vera present and she chimed in to let me know that Adam is quite hard on himself.

Figure 2 - Adam's Self Evaluation- True Perspective

Evolution of self

For the last 15 years, I’ve been working on a framework to help facilitate personal and professional development. Too often I see people that overinvest in one element more than the other which over time, throws them out of balance. For example, this looks like working all hours to deliver on a massive project and missing out on time with family. Alternatively, it could be taking a 6 month break off work to do a trip around the world to make up for the lost time. Neither of these is wrong, but they certainly aren’t balanced. From my personal experience and the experience of my clients, the imbalance that prompts their corrective action stems from being misaligned i.e. How they want to be experienced and remembered by others is not matching their day to day behaviour. This, in psychology, is what we call cognitive dissonance.

Based on [2]Adam’s self-ratings, I’ve plotted where he sits on the evolution of self framework and as you can see it’s primarily focussed on relationship boundaries. Much of the session that Adam I and had was focussed on the relationships he has with his peers at university, with those he loves, and the relationship he has with himself. Over the coming months and years, Adam has an amazing opportunity to transcend his focus on relationship boundaries and move into the transformational elements of the framework.

Figure 3 Evolution of Self Model

When it comes to ‘self’ it’s ever-expanding, evolving concept that is constantly changing based on your interactions with the world. The more experiences you have, the more refined (and hopefully aligned) you will be.

Application

When it comes to applying this model, it can be utilised with reference to situations, such as how you perform on projects or in a particular role at work or even in a volunteer context. You may also like to apply the model in a more personal setting such as with your social circle, your immediate family, or in relation to your life partner. There is no limit to the application as the principles are the same across all contexts and with all relationships. The key is to leverage the combination of ‘True Perspective’ with the Evolution of Self Model to ensure you are continually defining, refining and progressing toward creating your legacy i.e. living in alignment with how you want to be remembered.

References

[1] Löwel, S. and Singer, W. (1992) Science 255 (published January 10, 1992) "Selection of Intrinsic Horizontal Connections in the Visual Cortex by Correlated Neuronal Activity". United States: American Association for the Advancement of Science. pp. 209–212

[2] Normally, I would interview 6-8 nominated stakeholders to obtain the ‘others’ perspective. Given this was not a full program, I kept it to a self-evaluation only.

Do you lead with Guilt or Shame?

As many of you right now, my calendar is full of end of year gatherings, parties, kids’ performances, presentations etc. It can be hard to juggle priorities and ensure that you give everyone the attention they deserve. In my case, with four kids, this is always a challenging time of year when it comes to getting to everything and being a supportive, loving parent whilst maintaining my sanity.

My daughter, being the youngest of four, has gotten the least amount of attention of all my kids. Not surprisingly and ironically, she is also the child that wants the most love and affection from me. For that reason, she tends to know which of my ‘guilt strings’ to pluck to get me to show up. Two weeks ago, she was ready to perform at the end-of-year dance recital. She had practised to music at home religiously for months getting the moves timed perfectly with the music. Her costume looked fantastic and, I was looking forward to seeing her express herself in a performance that she had worked so hard to perfect.

The big day finally arrived, tickets in hand and the recital was scheduled at the very end of a very busy Saturday which involved Japanese School, Karate, Basketball, and a trip to the Physiotherapist. The recital was due to start at 6:30 pm and went for two and a half hours including an interval. As you can imagine, with such a tight schedule, there was not a lot of margin for error and by now, you are rightly predicting that we faced a lot of error that day.

“The fear of what might happen is often worse than the outcome itself. I’m sure there are exceptions to this rule, and my massive generalisation of guilt vs shame culture is by no means definitive but in my experience and that of my clients, the truth is a far better option when it comes to maintaining your wellbeing both personally and at work.”

We dropped my daughter off at 5:30 pm to get her make-up and hair done prior to the performance and would not see her again until after the show. In the hour before the performance started, everything that could have gone wrong did….and predictably we were going to be late. It was only a few minutes late initially…but that soon turned into 15minutes. Exasperated and hoping that they hadn’t started yet, we rushed into the theatre and were ushered to our seats. Once seated we had an opportunity to review the program and see when my daughter’s routine was due to start. I saw my daughters dance listed second from the top and based on the performance that was currently happening….I realised that we’d already missed it. My heart sank. My wife leaned over and asked when she was due to perform…I said “We’ve missed it”. I didn’t take in much of what was going on around me after that. I was so angry at myself, disappointed, annoyed, looking to blame my son for putting his shoes on too slowly, my wife for changing her dress at the last minute and the very slow driver in the carpark that held us up for a couple of minutes. I also felt annoyed at all of the delays that had happened earlier in the day to contribute to us being late. In addition, I was now sitting through a 2.5-hour recital watching other kids perform that I had no connection with…. it was somewhat of a nightmare. To make things worse, we weren’t allowed to see our daughter until all of the performances were finished! Painfully, this gave me ample time to think about what we were going to say to her.

What would you do?

She’s 9 years old and has been working on this for months. She knows you are watching her but due to the theatre layout, we were up on the balcony so there is no chance she would have noticed our absence in the audience. We see that it is being professionally filmed so we will be able to get the recording at some point. Do we tell her that we missed it? Or do we allow her to have her moment of joy without bringing her down?

Guilt or shame….what drives you?

I didn’t want to face the reality that I’d have to break my daughter’s heart so, like a coward, I turned to my wife in the hope that she would resort to her cultural heritage to decide. My wife is Japanese so as a generalisation Japanese culture along with most Asian cultures adopt what is known as a ‘shame culture’[1]. Basically, this means that if you’ve done something that you aren’t proud of (like miss your daughter’s dance recital) then there would be no point in sharing that with her or anybody else. By sharing, it would bring on a feeling of shame that would tarnish your personal brand. In Japanese culture and many Asian cultures, shame is a feeling to be avoided at all costs. Much to my surprise, my wife has become more Australianised than I thought and quickly stated “it’s up to you…but I think we should tell her”. All I could hear at that moment was the plucking of my ‘guilt strings’ even louder. As an Australian, I belong to what is known as a ‘guilt culture’ that has derived from a society dominated by Christian values. In simple terms, if I’ve done something I’m not proud of then it eats me up inside until I come clean. It was clear what I needed to do….confess!

Confession time

Like most difficult conversations, what I think is going to unfold is much worse than the reality. This conversation was no different. I picked her up from the stage door told her she looked beautiful (which she did in her sparkly costume and make-up) then asked her how she felt. She then asked me “Did you see me Papa?” which I could tell was a rhetorical question. I paused very briefly before I gently said: “I’m sorry Keira….we were a little late so I didn’t get to see your performance”. She took about ten seconds of silence while she looked down at the pathway then looked up at me and said, now you have to buy the DVD (with a surprisingly evil grin), to which I responded: “of course”. She then said “Can I perform my dance to music when we get home?” to which I responded, “of course you can….I’d love that”.

While guilt still plagues me and shame is something I have felt, the alternative to both of those is the truth. If you ever find yourself wanting to ‘protect’ somebody from the truth I’d challenge you to consider if you’re coming from a place of guilt or shame…or potentially both. Rather than avoid either of these, challenge yourself to share the truth. The fear of what might happen is often worse than the outcome itself. I’m sure there are exceptions to this rule, and my massive generalisation of guilt vs shame culture is by no means definitive but in my experience and that of my clients, the truth is a far better option when it comes to maintaining your wellbeing both personally and at work

[1] For a discussion on the topic of giult vs shame culture, please see the following article. Revisiting Shame and Guilt Cultures: A Forty-Year Pilgrimage: Ethos, Vol. 18, No. 3 (Sep., 1990), pp. 279-307 (29 pages)

Emotional Intelligence in the real world: Keep it simple….keep it real

I delivered a presentation on emotional intelligence to a group of psychologists yesterday in what was a rich and interesting blend of models, measurement and application. Ironically I learned the most valuable lesson in emotional intelligence today….one that will change my application of emotional intelligence forever.

Here’s what happened

I was having trouble falling asleep last night, not feeling anxious but contemplating how long it would be before my grandmother finally passed away. She’d been unconscious for a couple of days, not eating or drinking – the end was near.

I awoke with a startle…my phone was ringing but just missed the call. I saw a message from my mum letting me know that my grandmother had passed away at 2 am this morning….she had finally let go. After speaking with my mum and discussing practicalities, there I was lying in my bed reminiscing the legacy that my Grandmother had created. She was a strong, positive, mischievous, and incredibly warm person. Tears streaming down my face and completely overwhelmed with emotion, my lovely daughter came into my room to say good morning. I couldn’t speak but I somehow managed to communicate that her Great Grandma had died. She didn’t say much but stayed with me for a couple of minutes while I pulled myself together.

Saturday is our busiest day typically, and today was no different. I bundled everyone into the car and put on my taxi driver’s hat for the day (all the parents out there know exactly what I’m talking about here).

Later on, in the afternoon my daughter delivered the most beautiful note along with a half-consumed bottle of ice tea and a candy that prompted a few more tears for the day. Here is the note:

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Heartwarming note written by my 8 year old daughter

Her note was so beautifully simple that it made me realise that the amount of complexity that we place around trying to explain, measure, predict and develop emotional intelligence is taking us further away from that which an 8 year-old-girl so effortlessly articulates. Her note is filled with empathy, understanding, compassion, and love. What’s more impressive is that she’s even enticed me with something to look forward to in the form of sugar!

Next time you’re struggling to articulate yourself when it comes to a deeply emotional or challenging topic, step back and simplify your message. As shown by my daughter through her choice of words, the most frequently used word in her note was LOVE. Emotional Intelligence is the application of love….no need to complicate things.