How do you rate your empathy? Try being John Malkovich!
If you haven’t seen the film, ‘being John Malkovich’ is a bizarre story that provides insight into the concept of being able to inhabit somebody else’s skin, feel what they feel and move how they move. In doing so, you learn more about yourself by feeling free to express and explore who you are through the vessel of another. It beautifully conveys the power of empathy to enable deep reflection to take place about ones own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. What’s so wonderful about this film is that John Malkovich stars as John Malkovich, which to me, is the ultimate test of empathy.
If you haven’t seen the film, ‘Being John Malkovich’ is a bizarre story that provides insight into the concept of being able to inhabit somebody else’s skin, feel what they feel and move how they move. In doing so, you learn more about yourself by feeling free to express and explore who you are through the vessel of another. It beautifully conveys the power of empathy to enable deep reflection to take place about ones own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. What’s so wonderful about this film is that John Malkovich stars as John Malkovich, which to me, is the ultimate test of empathy.
Imagine that you were asked to play the starring role in the movie “Being [your name]”. In other words, how would you ‘be’ you. Like any other role, you’d have to study your character’s every move, understand their motivations, values, strengths, weaknesses, and fears. You’d have to understand in-depth, how they think, feel and behave in any given scenario. If you think this is easy, see how you go when someone sets you up in front of a camera and says “just be yourself”. To most, this is usually enough to trigger a freeze response or simply makes one go completely blank.
One could argue that over-thinking who you are or how you are perceived is a bottomless pit of self-conscious despair and will only lead to anxiety. On the contrary, I don’t think we consider our impact on others enough. If you want to make a positive impact on society at large, start with the people you interact with regularly and have a go at making sure your presence ensures they have a positive experience.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
The view of you: Let’s talk about perspective
Perspective-taking, in my opinion, is one of the most useful tools any of us have in our life skills toolbelt. Equally, losing perspective is one of the greatest handicaps one can suffer. Being able to shift perspective helps us re-focus in times of crisis, understand somebody else’s behaviour or point of view, see new possibilities for old problems, and learn from our mistakes. Given the ability to shift your perspective is so powerful, I reckon it’s an ability worth practising.
Have you said or ever heard someone say any of the following sentences?
“I don’t care what people think of me”
“I am who I am and if you don’t like it, that’s your problem”
“I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but you can’t please everyone”
“I focus on being myself, being true to who I really am”
If I’m completely honest, I’ve said some of the above sentences and heard plenty of people say them over the years. Most people would interpret the above affirmations as a sign of confidence or good self-esteem. Not me, I cringe when I hear them now. Why?… Because what they are really saying is “I couldn’t be bothered understanding how others feel, think and behave… their perspective doesn’t matter”
I’m open to the idea that there are some circumstances where it might make sense to “not care” what people think of you. Some might argue that as an elite athlete, it’s essential to “not care” but if you’re wondering what happened to Bernard Tomic or don’t even know who I’m talking about…I rest my case. I personally struggle to think of any examples where it actually makes sense. Unless of course, you are happy to live and work in an environment that doesn’t require you to build or maintain relationships. It reminds me of the reclusive types that retreat from society and have minimal contact with the outside world. They are usually incredibly interesting and quirky people but also quite damaged. To me, it all comes down to how self-centred they are. In other words, they view the world as being all about them and lack empathy for others. As a consequence, the view we all have of them is of being withdrawn and closed-off, albeit interesting and quirky. Of course, their perspective doesn’t shift with feedback because they already hold the view that they don’t care what other people think.
Perspective-taking, in my opinion, is one of the most useful tools any of us have in our life skills toolbelt. Equally, losing perspective is one of the greatest handicaps one can suffer. Being able to shift perspective helps us re-focus in times of crisis, understand somebody else’s behaviour or point of view, see new possibilities for old problems, and learn from our mistakes. Given the ability to shift your perspective is so powerful, I reckon it’s an ability worth practising.
To gain perspective, the two main skills that everyone needs to master, are Empathy and Experiential awareness. That is, one’s ability to understand what somebody else is feeling and the experience they are currently having in your presence. The problem is, when we need perspective most like when we are in the middle of a crisis or things just aren’t going our way, we often struggle to find it. The solution, while counterintuitive, is to stop focussing on yourself and look to what others are feeling and how they are experiencing you. This will give you a new perspective, and also help you see yourself how the rest of the world sees and experiences you.
If you’re still convinced that what others think of you doesn’t matter or isn’t helpful, try this on for size. How you see yourself is mirrored by how others experience you. For example, not caring how others experience you would be like someone politely letting you know that you’ve got something stuck between your teeth and you respond with “Thanks for letting me know, but I really don’t care”. Not exactly the best way to win friends and influence people! More applicable examples could be rejecting feedback in any of the following scenarios. Having poor body language in meetings, the overuse of ‘um’ when presenting, belittling others publicly, making cynical comments or snide remarks, not speaking up when you have something to say, big-noting yourself, turning up late to a meeting and lying about what caused your delay and the list goes on…and on. We all need perspective at times so we can see ourselves how others are seeing and experiencing us. However, you can only achieve perspective if you see yourself from another’s point of view.
If you’re looking for a little more insight, consider this. The view others have of you is shaped by the view you have of yourself. When you think about it, it’s quite simple, how you see yourself shapes your behaviour. How you behave shapes how people see and experience you. As a leader, manager or parent, this forges the culture of your organisation, team or household you are leading respectively. Your success as a leader in any context is directly related to your ability to empathise. When you take the time to understand what your key stakeholders are feeling you’ll also start to take responsibility for the behaviour that shapes their view of you.
To sum it all up, the view of you is a reflection of how you see yourself. If you couldn’t be bothered or don’t care what people think, their experience of you will be someone who doesn’t care, couldn’t be bothered and doesn’t want to understand them. This does not bode well for anyone wanting to create have a productive, engaged life. To avoid this outcome try Shifting your focus to put others at the centre of your universe and you’ll have no option but to demonstrate empathy and understanding.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Leadership: The Truth of it All
Put simply, leadership is following the truth or as I like to say it’s leading with the truth. Now, before you dismiss this as a hippy woo-woo definition, keep reading. When I say ‘the truth’ I don’t mean to get into a deep philosophical debate about perception and reality. I’m simply referring to your ability to recognise what ‘feels right’ or ‘sounds right’ to you. Think of it like a musician tuning a string instrument by ear, there is a calibration that takes place through the tensioning of the strings before the note they are looking for resonates sweetly. Now, without prior experience of hearing a properly tuned instrument, you won’t know how to tune it and regardless of the music you play, it’s guaranteed to sound terrible. So how did we ever land on an agreement about what was ‘in tune’ vs ‘out of tune’? A universal truth. Regardless of whether you are a musician or not, you can differentiate between an instrument that is poorly tuned vs one that is perfectly tuned. It requires no prior knowledge of music…you just know it when you hear it.
Before reading this article, take a moment to answer the following questions thoughtfully. For the purpose of this exercise, you don’t need to be in a formal leadership role. We all have the opportunity to lead ourselves and others in many areas of life. It could be at school, work, on the sporting field, in a family or within a group, club or the wider community. Regardless of your context, answer the following questions as a leader.
Are you a good leader?
How would you describe your leadership?
Do you know how others experience your leadership?
What makes you a better leader than anyone else?
Why would anyone want to follow your lead?
Why you….and why now?
Now that you’ve spent some time reflecting on your own leadership, you’re super clear on the definition of leadership right? Yeah well….if you’re anything like me, you might be comparing your definition with the more than 2 billion definitions that come up from a simple Google search and wondering which one is right!
Rather than quote what is already out there, I’d like to offer some of my thoughts on what good leadership looks like and how you can improve.
Put simply, leadership is following the truth or as I like to say it’s leading with the truth. Now, before you dismiss this as a hippy woo-woo definition, keep reading. When I say ‘the truth’ I don’t mean to get into a deep philosophical debate about perception and reality. I’m simply referring to your ability to recognise what ‘feels right’ or ‘sounds right’ to you. Think of it like a musician tuning a string instrument by ear, there is a calibration that takes place through the tensioning of the strings before the note they are looking for resonates sweetly. Now, without prior experience of hearing a properly tuned instrument, you won’t know how to tune it and regardless of the music you play, it’s guaranteed to sound terrible. So how did we ever land on an agreement about what was ‘in tune’ vs ‘out of tune’? A universal truth. Regardless of whether you are a musician or not, you can differentiate between an instrument that is poorly tuned vs one that is perfectly tuned. It requires no prior knowledge of music…you just know it when you hear it.
Applying this same idea to the sporting realm, when we see somebody performing at a peak level of excellence I.e. they are a well tuned athlete, we notice how effortless, fluid and true they are when they are demonstrating their skills. When striking the ball, leaping in the air, timing their run or delivering a blow, their movements represent a recognisable truth that everyone can see regardless of their level of expertise or prior experience.
Beyond music and sport, this same notion applies to everything you do, including leadership. Leadership, in all of its forms, is your ability to achieve self-mastery by 1. Recognising what is true and 2. Aligning your behaviour with that truth. In music or sport, recognising ‘the truth’ would be to understand what excellence is and evaluate your current performance against it. Aligning your behaviour with that truth would look like a whole lot of hard work in the form of repetitive practice, grit and perseverance. For leadership in the work or organisational context, it becomes a little more tricky as excellence is a bit more difficult to define than striking a ball with finesse or playing a series of chords to perfection. We often fall into the trap of emulating good leadership or refining good leadership characteristics. In my experience, this method creates a paradox whereby the harder you try to be a ‘good leader’ the worse your leadership becomes.
The ‘leadership’ paradox
Often, especially early in one’s career, there is a temptation to model yourself based on a leader that you have previously experienced. Sometimes the leadership was good, other times (very often) not so good but we naturally get anchored by our early experiences and start aligning our behaviour with them. This does little more than create a bunch of noise and distraction that prevents you from being a leader and demonstrating good leadership. We all want to have a roadmap or certainty about what we need to do to become a good leader so we can get to work and have a more positive impact on those around us and the companies we work for. The good news is, I’m going to provide you with a roadmap that will enable you to get to work but before I do, I want to make it ultra-clear that you need to let go of trying to be a leader. This is the paradox of leadership. The harder you try, the worse your leadership will be. Similarly, the more you let go of being a leader, the closer you will get to demonstrating leadership. Bringing it back to sport, the leadership paradox is a bit like generating power when kicking a football, serving a tennis ball or driving a golf ball off a tee. Your focus is on timing and efficiency rather than brute force. The most powerful shots always come with a surprising effortlessness that feels so right and true. When it happens by accident we then spend a great deal of effort trying to replicate the effortlessness!
Self-mastery is the key
The most important insight I can share about what differentiates good leaders from bad leaders is self-mastery. The second most important insight is that self-mastery is something you can never stop pursuing and can never fully achieve. In other words, you can always improve and the process of improvement is constant. To achieve self-mastery there are three elements that you need to be aware of.
Element 1: To have a strengths focus - Having worked for Gallup for the first 7 years of my career I’ve personally seen and experienced the benefits of applying the research insights that have emerged from positive psychology. Too often, we are taught to focus on fixing our weaknesses so we can be well rounded. This seems logical, and also makes sense, that is until you consider how it makes you feel. Constantly focussing on your weaknesses makes you feel tired, inadequate and like you aren’t doing a good job. Furthermore, you will likely improve but plateau at mediocrity. The real benefit is focussing on what comes naturally to you, so you can achieve excellence. In doing so, you can relax into the person you are, rather than try to be somebody you are not. Having a strengths focus also means that the way you see people around you starts to shift. Rather than focus on what is missing from them, you start to see what they offer and how that can help you. A simple way to get to know your strengths is to undertake a personality assessment. The Clifton strengths assessment is a good one but will cost you money. If you’d rather save some coin, you could try the VIA survey instead. They are both good and will give you a starting point to help shift your focus toward your areas of strength.
Element 2: Know and align to your purpose - For many people, articulating their purpose is easy. Now if you’re thinking…yeah…that’s easy, my purpose is to make money, then I need you to dig a little deeper. Of course, we all need money but there is something unique about what gets you excited, what lights you up and when you’re facing your darkest moments, you’ll draw upon to get you out of a rut. Something I’ve learned about people is that we all have a deeper purpose and we all know what it is (intuitively). The problem is, we don’t talk about it often so our ability to articulate our purpose is pretty poor. The irony of being able to articulate it is it’s hard to find when you need it most, that’s why you do the hard work when you aren’t under pressure…sort of like an athlete practice their skills in training so when the big moment comes they can perform. The best way to get clear on your purpose is to start by identifying your core values. You can do this work by yourself or by working with a coach or mentor that can help guide the process. There is no right or wrong answer but your values need to resonate deeply with you for it to be a beneficial exercise. For some, this is an easy exercise while others grapple with it for years. Once you’ve got your values identified, I like to shape them into a purpose statement or a pithy sentence that is meaningful and captures the essence of your values. Don’t worry if you don’t get it quickly, it’s an evolutionary process that will change and develop over time. You don’t need to rush it!
Element 3: Understand how to regulate your emotions - This is by far the greatest challenge but equally the most important element to master. We’ve all heard the term emotional intelligence, which refers to our ability to name, understand, recognise and utilise our emotions effectively. Another popular term thanks to the work of Susan David is Emotional Agility. This is about learning how we can embrace all of our emotions…even the supposed bad ones to help us be more effective leaders. The truth is if you aren’t able to regulate your emotions, then your ability to demonstrate your strengths and live in alignment with your purpose is diminished. Furthermore, when you let your emotions get the better of you, it doesn’t matter how good a leader you are, people only experience your emotion and can’t see your strengths or connect with your purpose. When your emotions take over or ‘hijack’ your brain, you become like a train that’s come off its rails…unpredictable, dangerous and the cause for people to run for their lives. If you know your temper is bad or your ability to manage your anxiety is poor, the best thing you can do is engage a coach or psychologist to help identify some strategies you can use to get things back on track.
By actively working on developing these three key elements to self mastery, you’ll be taking an important step toward developing yourself into a formidable leader, whether you have direct reports or not.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Attention all Parents and Managers: Do You Care Enough?
The similarities of being a parent and leading a team of people in a work context are undeniable. Parents and leaders alike, often describe feeling like they are pulled from pillar to post, selflessly giving all of who they are for the betterment of their successors. They shield them from compromising situations, they protect their welfare (helicopter parents or ‘air-cover’ in the work context), they teach them valuable life lessons and they mentor them to improve (otherwise known as lecturing). Interestingly, both parents and leaders describe a similar frustration with their perceived lack of appreciation by saying things like “If only they knew how valuable these lessons are that I’m teaching them” or “I put so much effort into making sure their situation is better than what I had to deal with…they just don’t seem to get it” or “I’m done….I can’t keep making all these sacrifices and not receive any sort of thanks or recognition for everything I do”….or “ you know what…I don’t care anymore, they can do whatever they want… one day they’ll realise I’m right”.
The similarities of being a parent and leading a team of people in a work context are undeniable. Parents and leaders alike, often describe feeling like they are pulled from pillar to post, selflessly giving all of who they are for the betterment of their successors. They shield them from compromising situations, they protect their welfare (helicopter parents or ‘air-cover’ in the work context), they teach them valuable life lessons and they mentor them to improve (otherwise known as lecturing). Interestingly, both parents and leaders describe a similar frustration with their perceived lack of appreciation by saying things like “If only they knew how valuable these lessons are that I’m teaching them” or “I put so much effort into making sure their situation is better than what I had to deal with…they just don’t seem to get it” or “I’m done….I can’t keep making all these sacrifices and not receive any sort of thanks or recognition for everything I do”….or “ you know what…I don’t care anymore, they can do whatever they want… one day they’ll realise I’m right”.
What this means for you
If these phrases resonate with you, whether you’re a parent or a professional, you’re wasting your time if you expect any sort of kudos for your efforts. The truth is, even if they said all the right things, it’s empty unless it’s followed up with some action. Most people know exactly what you want to hear to get you off their back. It delivers a short term burst of positive emotion for the receiver but, like the buzz experienced from a hit of caffeine or sugar, it wears off quickly. It feels good but you know it’s got false energy behind it. It’s seductive and easy….but deep down you know it’s fake. It’s simply a reflection that they have likely figured out how you were influencing them to do what you wanted….they’ve cracked the code so to speak, and started beating you at your own transactional game. Their behaviour toward you is a direct reflection of how they view you….and if that view is transactional, then you’ve only got yourself to blame.
Why am I sharing this?
I’m obsessed with helping people see themselves the way the rest of the world sees them. When we are able to tap into others’ perspectives, we open the door to a powerful form of empathy that drives us to act in ways that realign us to how we want to be experienced. In doing so, we consciously create a legacy that makes us feel proud of who we are, clearly articulate what we want and know with certainty why we matter. By taking our own perspective and rounding it out with the view of all our stakeholders (the good, the bad and the ugly)we are left with what I call the ‘true perspective’ of you; the true view of you. This ‘True Perspective’, if you choose to accept it as valid, is what will enable you to lead with the truth both personally and professionally.
Applied learning
Lately, I’ve been going through the same challenges every parent of teenagers is inevitably faced with. Ultimately, our teenagers start to push the relationship boundaries and want to explore and shape their identities more fully. This is all part of the transition from childhood to adulthood and a necessary rite of passage. Nonetheless, it can be a painful and difficult time for parents as they are required to take on more of a leadership role in the relationship because the *autocratic method that works very well with young kids doesn’t get the same result with teenagers. The more complex issues (motivation, purpose, identity, power, equality and status) that are introduced by teenagers require a long term strategy that is focussed on continually growing and deepening the relationship. Obviously everybody wants to be able to focus on developing a long-term, ever-deepening relationship with your teenager but and direct attempt will most likely result in rejection. The same is true for managers….while it sounds like a great plan to have a deep relationship with your direct reports, unless you meet their emotional needs first, they will never interpret your behaviour as a genuine attempt to build connection.
Understanding your level of care
As people, we all have emotional needs that when you start going deeper, all link back to one basic need; the need to be loved. Basically, we all need to feel loved, accepted, that we belong and that regardless of what’s happening, somebody deeply cares about us. I know this sounds incredibly basic but it’s astonishing how often this point is missed. To simplify this further, your behaviour as a parent, or a manager, will get classified in one of three ways.
Absence: This is when someone feels ignored by their parent or manager. They have no information to interpret so in the absence of information, they make stuff up. What they make up typically sounds like “They don’t love me” or “They clearly don’t care about me because I never see or hear from them”. Of course, this interpretation could be completely wrong but in the absence of information, they get stuck in their own thinking which is typically negative.
Presence: This is when someone knows they are loved, cared about and have all of the basic needs met. They feel safe, looked after, valued and worthy. It really is the bare minimum that you would expect of a parent or manager. The issue with this is it can easily be achieved by saying all of the right things. As we all know, it’s not enough to simply tell somebody you love them, you need to show them that you love them through your actions. As human beings, a red flag goes up when what someone says is misaligned with what someone does.
Perseverance: This is the most powerful but most difficult level to achieve. This is the idea of tough love and comes in the form of intervention and disruption. The real question that you are answering at this level is “Do they care about me enough to take action or intervene?”. It’s not a thought or something that you say but no less than what you do that confirms whether you really care or not. It is the ultimate test and requires an act of selflessness from the parent or professional.
What’s the point?
Whether you are a parent leading a family or a professional leading a team, you are judged (broadly) as falling into one of these three categories. You are responsible for establishing the ground rules for building a long-term relationship with the people you are primarily responsible for. You need to focus on the trilogy of thoughts, words and acts of love to reinforce that the relationship is important to you. As messy as it gets…and it will certainly get messy, your primary concern is to think, say and act with the intention to demonstrate that you care about them AND you care so much that you are willing to put your own emotional needs on hold, to ensure that their emotional needs are met. As a parent and as a manager….you need to understand that IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!
Parents - read this
For the parents out there, if you’re worried that by putting some clear boundaries around who your teenager hangs out with and where they hang out, they are going to hate you. My advice, get over yourself and get used to the discomfort that comes with doing your job as a parent or manager. Their rejection of you is a test to see if you care enough to intervene, take action and stick by your word. They will thank you in the long term and you will grow as a leader.
Managers/Professionals - read this
As a manager or professional, if you are struggling to address some performance challenges you are having with a direct report because you don’t want to disrupt the positive relationships and engagement in the team. Again…get over yourself and see the bigger picture. If you take the line of perseverance, you look to the long-term viability of the relationship and forgo the easy, lazy option of saying nothing at all. Everybody can see that what you have to do takes courage, isn’t easy and nobody would want to be in your shoes. On the flip side, there is no other option but to ‘embrace the suck’ as Brene Brown would say.
Everybody - read this
Due to their similarity, I’ve been directing you toward considering this framework in relation to the role of a manager or a parent. If you play either these roles, both or neither, it doesn’t really matter. The core issue we are dealing with is relevant do any meaningful relationship you have in your life…be it personal or at work. The next time you find yourself justifying somebody else’s behaviour, wishing another person could see something from your perspective, getting frustrated, angry, sad as a result of something they did. I want you to ask yourself one question - Do I care enough to intervene and take action? You can be certain that if you aren’t asking that question and answering it with a strong ‘yes’. They will be left with the conclusion that you don’t care and that they don’t really matter.
*By autocratic methods, I mean using your power and authority to punish, bribe and threaten to get the outcome you want. For example, a father might say to his child “If you don’t brush your teeth right now you won’t be allowed to play the iPad for a whole week…..one….two….two and a half”.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with managing life on a personal and professional level? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Everybody has a plan until you get hit by a truck!
As an avid martial arts fan, I was recently reminded of the brutal simplicity of Mike Tyson’s infamous quote “Everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face”. Coupled with my recent experience, I wanted to explore the concept of managing your emotions; a skill and critical element in demonstrating emotional intelligence.
As an avid martial arts fan, I was recently reminded of the brutal simplicity of Mike Tyson’s infamous quote “Everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face”. Coupled with my recent experience, I wanted to explore the concept of managing your emotions; a skill and critical element in demonstrating emotional intelligence.
A minor setback
Two Saturdays ago, I awoke early to begin the ritual of getting my kids off to their weekend sporting activities. We were on track until I tried to start the car…and the engine sadly answered with a strange grinding/clicking noise. With no time to wait for roadside assist or waste time getting angry at the fact that there might be a serious issue with the car, I kept my cool and quickly changed the plan. My wife has a car and she was about to head off to the gym so we agreed that her car would be the taxi for the day and everyone would still make it to their activities. This was a minor blip in the course of the morning, but for some, could be an opportunity to derail their entire day. While the crisis was averted, I knew I still had to organise roadside assist and figure out what was wrong with my car.
When a minor setback becomes a significant trauma
I dropped my wife off at the Gym then stopped to pick up a coffee on the way back to my son’s soccer game. At a set of traffic lights, I was sipping my coffee proudly (or perhaps arrogantly) reflecting on the ease with which I kept my emotions in check after a rather tumultuous start to the day. The light turned green so I started to make a left turn and that’s when it happened, I got hit by a truck! My coffee ended up as decoration for the upholstery and my wife’s Toyota RAV 4 came off second best, which you would expect when colliding with a 10-ton truck. Fortunately for me, because I was turning left and the truck swerved right, it was a glancing blow hence why I’m still alive and able to write about my experience. As soon as the truck hit me I knew what had happened. My first response was “What the F&!#” then I tried to figure out if I’d done something wrong…did I run a red light? “No…it was definitely green,” I said to myself. While I was rattled, I was strangely calm. Before getting out of the car to confront the truck driver and inspect the damage, I took a moment to notice my breath and gauge my heart rate. As I got out of the car and locked eyes with the truck driver, the poor guy was in shock. He was trembling with adrenaline and extremely apologetic. His thinking was scrambled and he immediately admitted that he ran the red light as he was not sure where he was going. A witness also shared their details and confirmed that the truck driver had run a red light.
Firstly, I want to reinforce that I was the only person in my car and nobody was injured in the accident - thank goodness. For the rest of the day and for the few weeks since I’ve been reflecting on how lucky I am to be able to say that I’ve been hit by a truck and am still alive to tell the tale. The second insight that struck me is how empowering it is to stay calm and present, even when faced with significant trauma or a crisis. Mike Tyson rightly points out that you can have the best strategy to win a fight but the second you get in the ring and you cop a punch to the face, your adrenaline takes over and you are at the mercy of your physiological self…A part of you that is geared toward revving you up to fight back or flee the danger all together. We all know what this feels like but it’s incredibly difficult to control when it’s happening to you. Of course, there are times when this physiological response comes in handy but it certainly isn’t useful in most modern-day situations that we face. What about being in a fight you might ask? Wouldn’t your ‘fight’ response enhance your ability to win? It’s a logical conclusion but anyone who fights regularly and skillfully knows that it’s actually wrong.
Mastering your physiological self
Following the accident, I got thinking about what enabled me to stay calm in such a challenging situation. It’s not like I’ve been hit by a truck before so I couldn’t put it down to experience. I then reflected on my ongoing training in martial arts and it dawned on me that I’ve been consistently training my body to master my physiological self. I recognised that there are some key principles that you learn in the dojo that potentially generalise to other areas of life.
When training in any martial arts, combat sports or any sports for that matter, your ability to stay calm by focussing on your breathing is critical. Once you lose your breath, your whole body gets sapped of energy. The same ideas apply to basic meditation, yoga, endurance running, swimming…and the list goes on.
The second element to any good training regime is repetition. The idea is simple. When you are in a fight, you don’t have time to ‘think’ about what you have to do. It needs to be an automatic response that you have prepared for. It’s all about trusting your body and your ability to do what needs to be done.
The third element to enable you to manage your physiological self is practising through simulation. When training in Martial Arts, this looks like loads of sparring with people that are better than you. It’s hard, it’s challenging, it’s sometimes demoralising but it certainly simulates what a fight feels like and enables you to practice your ability to focus under pressure.
These three areas of foundational training set you up for success when you have to face a situation that requires you to fight. Of course, we don’t want to go out looking for a fight but in the event that we have to, we want to know that we are ready and able. Leadership guru Stephen Covey refers to this as ‘Sharpening the saw’. My conclusion from all of this is it seems that training in martial arts not only prepares you to fight but also prepares you to manage your emotions when facing any sort of trauma.
What does this mean for leadership and life?
When thinking about leadership and life in general, you are likely to face significant challenges or mild ‘trauma’ regularly. One could even classify COVID-19 and the impact it has had on the world as similar to being hit by a truck or punched in the face. It pretty much came out of nowhere and it’s the sort of thing most people wouldn’t spend time planning for. As a leader of your life, regardless of what drives you, your strengths, your capability, or your good intentions…All of these things get overshadowed by one thing; your ability to keep your cool when you are facing a crisis. Once you let your physiological self take over, you’re certain to show up in a way that isn’t aligned with how you want people to experience you. Controlling our breath, practising behaviour that grounds us or centres us and simulating challenging situations (through coaching and mentoring) will enable you to master your physiological self. Over time, you’ll be able to gain a deeper awareness and make more conscious decisions to respond in times of crisis…a capability every leader should aspire to develop.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with mastering your physiological self? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825
Can you state your purpose?…Or is that not practical enough for you?
To have a purpose is to have resolve, determination, and an intrinsic reason to act. It enables intention to meet action so what you do, has meaning. When someone is clear on their purpose, they have a spring in their step, an air of confidence about them that is powerful, unique and engaging. Without purpose, time can stretch so a moment morphs into a day, and a day bleeds into a week and before you know it, you are chunking time in decades or more, and while a lot has happened most of it wasn’t really intentional. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast lane that you end up getting carried with the momentum of everybody else…so much so that you forget about purpose altogether. It’s how our brains ensure we survive, like a herd of Wildebeests running from danger, all moving in the same direction to limit their chances of being attacked. Much of society and culture is about moving with the herd to ensure survival. The problem with this? if you do happen to get isolated or marginalised, you’ll need your purpose more than ever.
To have a purpose is to have resolve, determination, and an intrinsic reason to act. It enables intention to meet action so what you do, has meaning. When someone is clear on their purpose, they have a spring in their step, an air of confidence about them that is powerful, unique and engaging. Without purpose, time can stretch so a moment morphs into a day, and a day bleeds into a week and before you know it, you are chunking time in decades or more, and while a lot has happened most of it wasn’t really intentional. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast lane that you end up getting carried with the momentum of everybody else…so much so that you forget about purpose altogether. It’s how our brains ensure we survive, like a herd of Wildebeests running from danger, all moving in the same direction to limit their chances of being attacked. Much of society and culture is about moving with the herd to ensure survival. The problem with this? if you do happen to get isolated or marginalised, you’ll need your purpose more than ever.
When I talk about purpose it goes beyond the job that you have, the money you earn, the kids you are responsible for or the family you belong to…it’s way deeper than that. It even goes deeper than the compensatory behaviour we all engage in to make up for any perceived injustice that we’ve had to endure (redundancies, divorce, death of a loved one, childhood adversity, family feuds etc.). In most movies, you’ll notice that the protagonist is typically fueled by a desire to seek revenge, find love, gain reputation or protect their family. These are the surface level goals, ambitions, and motivations that they openly share and discuss. Very rarely, however, do they reveal their core purpose, the purpose which provides them with their charm, charisma, and magnetism. The reason for this? They probably haven’t explored what it is so they can’t articulate it. Even if they had, you’d most likely be confused and unimpressed if they revealed it to you!
Your purpose is for you…nobody else
When I help my clients identify and articulate their purpose, it usually doesn’t take very long. In fact, stating your purpose is the easy part, it’s aligning to that purpose that will take the rest of your life. Some people intuitively get this step and quickly grasp the power of being able to tap into an infinite resource of self-determining energy. Others, however, really struggle to make the connection. This article is for those who are struggling with the idea that by connecting to their purpose it will make a positive difference in their lives. If you roll your eyes every time somebody talks about a ‘higher purpose’ or finding their ‘true north’…you’re in good company. I tend to do the same. However, having done the work, I recognise how being able to articulate your purpose permeates everything that you do and in doing so, enhances how you experience the world and how the world experiences you.
A better, more practical question to ask
Two years ago I was working with a leader…let’s call him Jason. Jason managed a small team and his business was doing well. He was young, successful and had everything going for him. He sought me out because he felt like something was missing. He kept telling himself that he should be happier and that things should feel better now that he had achieved his ambition. The truth was, he didn’t feel happy, he wasn’t fulfilled…in fact, he’d never been more miserable. There was nothing wrong…everything was exactly as it should be but for some reason, nothing felt right to him. Jason wasn’t clear on his purpose at all…he lacked that spring in his step, his energy was low and he didn’t hold himself with confidence. We did some work to help him state his purpose and the moment he identified it he deflated like a two-day-old party balloon. Just like his life had failed to meet his lofty expectations, articulating his purpose had only disappointed him further. As part of the coaching program, I also conducted a 360 for Jason. Before receiving any of the feedback, Jason let me know that he didn’t care what other people thought about him. He described how he just got on and did his thing regardless…he didn’t have time to worry about anybody outside his circle of good friends. The logic being that if he offends anybody, his friends ‘get him’ but everybody else would just have to ‘deal with it’. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Jason was less than charming as a leader, and often found himself dealing with staff issues stemming from a backlash to his leadership style. Since his purpose statement wasn’t helping Jason ‘see’ what was blindingly obvious to everybody else, I presented him with the better question to ask “Jason, how do you want people to experience you?….How might they describe you if they truly ‘got’ your intention”. I let him sit with the question for a good minute before he broke the silence. He rattled off a series of adjectives “Wise, easy-going, fun, friendly and….trustworthy”. Not surprisingly, the feedback gathered wasn’t a close match. The words they used to describe their experience of him were “Tense, overly ambitious, serious, and moody” all highlighting some significant gaps in his experience-awareness…(Experience-awareness is sort of like self-awareness but it’s more about taking the perspective of those around you). Like Jason, by seeking feedback you are able to see yourself the way the rest of the world sees you…but be warned, you may not like what you see.
Similarly to Jason, many of us might feel that the best way to be successful is to focus on our goals, ambitions, and wealth creation. These are all great and I fully support chasing them with gusto. I do however caution people about chasing their goals, ambitions and wealth creation without first aligning to their purpose. As it was with Jason, you might achieve all your goals but you will feel hollow and depleted. If however, Jason integrated his goals with how he wants people to experience him, he creates balance and synergy. By turning his focus to how he wants people to experience him Jason must repeatedly ask for feedback, accept that feedback as valid (regardless of how confronting) and decide what he will act upon. I’d love to be able to share with you that Jason succeeded but I can’t. His response to the feedback was “I already knew that’s what they would say…and it confirms that they don’t really know me or get me”. This confirmed that Jason’s experience-awareness was low, and his unwillingness to take responsibility for the experience people were having of him would ensure he would continue to feel unfulfilled.
You shape the experience people have of you
As children, we interact freely with the world. We say what we want when we want. If we don’t get what we want, we cry, throw tantrums and get upset. As children, we see the world from one very self-centred perspective and have very little awareness of how others might be experiencing us. As we grow and learn, we become aware of the impact our behaviour has on others. Some might describe this as having empathy, others might say it’s simply socialisation, I say it’s experience-awareness, a necessary tool to create your personal legacy. I know many people cringe at the word legacy and feel that it’s far too grandiose. What I’m trying to describe is not egotistical at all, rather, it’s an outside-in feedback loop that ensures that your purpose (what’s most important to you) is being experienced in alignment with your intention. I guarantee that you won’t always get it right…perhaps you will never get it right but the pursuit of aligning your intentions with how people experience you will change everything. It enhances your energy, your happiness, your fulfilment, your productivity, your decision making, your relationships, and your leadership. The best thing about this strategy is it’s both selfless and selfish. By turning your focus to how people experience you, you are serving them with a better more empathetic version of who you are, you are also enhancing your wellbeing and every other aspect of your life at the same time.
Bringing it all together
Knowing your purpose so you can articulate it, and align with it, is critical for sustaining your energy, confidence and long term fulfilment. Without it, you are most likely floating along through life like a bubble in the wind, barely noticeable, unsustainable and aimless.
If you’re like most people, you turn to tasks and projects to give you satisfaction and keep you busy. However, focusing on goals alone or ‘What’ you do is going to leave you empty in the long term. Instead, try focussing on ‘How’ you go about achieving those goals. How you lead a team, how you parent a child, how you build a relationship all link back to how you interact with and relate to others.
Purpose can sometimes feel a bit spiritual or impractical for those ‘doers’ amongst us. It’s for this reason that people can sometimes snub it because they just want to ‘kick some goals’ or ‘get stuff done’. If purpose feels a bit lofty or high-level for you, ask yourself a better, more grounded question, “How do I want people to experience me?”.
By matching your intention (how you want people to experience you) with the actual experience people have of you (We figure this out by seeking feedback), you will increase your experience-awareness, fulfilment and wellbeing.
Your purpose energises you to take action while your legacy reflects how that action is experienced or interpreted. If you’re a leader, rather than put this in the ‘too hard basket’ you owe it to yourself and the people around you to take responsibility for how they are experiencing you.
WANT HELP?
Are you looking for support with your purpose or how people experience you? Not clear on what your next steps are? Got someone in mind that you think could benefit from talking with me? I know that making the first contact can be tough, especially if you have doubts. Book in your obligation free first session to see if I’m the right fit for you.
NEED HELP WITH CULTURE, OR TEAM ENGAGEMENT?
As a registered Organisational Psychologist, I’ve got the skills and capability to help you master your culture and engagement challenges. I also spent 7 years working for GALLUP, a world leader in engagement, discovering the best strategies to engage your team, enhance productivity and increase profitability. Book in a call below to discuss how I can support you.
Did you like this Article?
If you liked this article, have a look at some of my other articles here or sign-up to my list to receive my articles directly into your inbox each week. If you think someone might like to read them too, simply forward this email on to them.
CHECK-OUT WHAT ELSE I DO
I love writing articles but just in case you were wondering, it’s not all I do. Have a look at my website to discover some of my services, what my clients say about me, and some other interesting facts.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.
If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825