The Fishbowl: Real life, Real people, Real cases | Adam Camerlengo

As part of my regular posts, I’m introducing a new series call ‘The Fishbowl’ that focusses on real people and how they self-reflect, prioritise, make decisions and show up in the world. It takes courage to put yourself out there and share aspects of who you are and what you believe has shaped you and your life. However, I strongly believe (and my experiences and my clients’) suggest that when you demonstrate courage and show a bit of vulnerability, it enables you to grow and expand. For anybody reading this, take the opportunity to self-reflect and potentially see yourself in their stories and learn from their own insights and courage. You never know, you too might feel compelled to share a bit more of who you are with the world….what’s the worst that could happen?

Introducing Adam

Adam and I first met in the Karate dojo about two years ago. In that period of time, I’ve seen Adam kick some serious goals in life such as compete in a Karate tournament held in Malaysia representing Australia, obtain his black belt, further progress in completing his degree toward becoming a fully qualified Chiropractor and volunteered much of his personal time to establish himself as a loved and valued member of the Artarmon Shinkyokushin Karate Dojo.

For anybody that knows Adam, he is a fast talker and can sometimes, according to Adam, be overlooked as a bit of a ‘class clown’ so people tend not to take him seriously. Over a two hour chat armed with an iced coffee, a beautifully air-conditioned building where we could escape the thick white smoke that is currently choking Sydney, Adam (with a little bit of help from his great friend Vera) shared his story with me and ultimately answered the question “how did you end up here?”.

The conversation began with Adam launching into stream-of-consciousness type flow of verbal expression that reflected Freud’s free association technique without the couch. There was no need for me to lead with a question, Adam was already there, masking his nervousness about agreeing to ‘share his story’ with me by talking without taking a breath for the first 5mins. Once he finally did stop for breath, he asked: “so how does this work…. what are we going to do?”

The stories we tell ourselves

I asked Adam to share his story with all of us because he has recently experienced a series of significant accomplishments. It’s brilliant to see when somebody is in their flow, taking the bull by the horns and leading a fulfilled life. My intrigue with Adam and his story lies not in his accomplishments but more so in what he tells himself when nobody else is listening. Sometimes these stories are so automatic and well-rehearsed that we are no longer aware of them. On the other hand, sometimes they are so dominant that we can’t focus our attention on anything else. What is clear, whether we are aware of what we tell ourselves or not, they play a significant and profound role in how we live our life, shape our future, and interact with the world around us. They influence how we related to others, communicate our message, reflect on challenges or opportunities, experience love, hate or any other emotion. Fundamentally, what we tell ourselves has a huge impact on everything that we do.

Adam’s ‘story’

Before I even finished my sentence explaining the concept underlying the stories we tell ourselves, like any self-confessed fast talker, Adam quickly interjected with a wry smile and slightly flippant tone stating “that’s easy, my story is that I’m not good enough and I’m not working hard enough”. Indeed Adam is very self-aware of his own story and how that has contributed to shaping him to this very day. He may not have gone to the lengths of illuminating how dominant this story has been in shaping his behaviour and the outcomes he has achieved. He is, however, aware of the agitation that it creates, like an old injury that only shows up during the coldest months of the year….it’s always there but we sometimes forget how it is affecting us until it stops us from doing what we want.

Following Adam’s admission to the story that he habitually tells himself, I probed further to understand if he knew where it came from. This was where the conversation got tangential – which for a speed talker like Adam means we covered his story in a pattern that resembled a Mr squiggle drawing (apologies for those too young to understand the reference…..watch the YouTube clip!) i.e. It starts with a few dashes on a page that iteratively morphs into a comprehensive image. In short, he couldn’t articulate exactly where it came from but through verbalising his thoughts, we managed to get to the core.

The ‘drunken man’s’ stagger

Adam, like most of us, has not taken a linear path through life thus far. Very rarely does someone decide what they want to be early in life and seamlessly make it a reality. It does happen….but more often than not, our journey resembles something that looks more like a drunken man’s stagger….swaying from one side to the other, backward and forward, around in a few small circles to finally land at a destination. At that point, the drunken man sobers up and says to himself “how did I get here?”.

With surprise in his voice, Adam affirms that he was actually one of the ‘cool kids’ at school. He wasn’t quite sure how it happened but given one of the kids in his group was a budding AFL superstar (no small thing in Victoria) he was cool by association no through his own sporting prowess. He also had a gift for music that stemmed from his mother. He was encouraged to get involved in all music, art and drama at school. While his understanding of music is savant-like, his real passion emerged in Drama.

Adam has always felt underestimated, which he admits he likes. It gives him an edge over those that put him in the ‘class clown’ box. For those that did make fun of him or disrespect him, he quite simply didn’t take shit from anyone and stood up for himself. Knowing that others underestimated him, he used this as fuel to motivate him to work harder and not be predicted by inferential statistics like everyone else.

He went on to study performing arts at university with the intention of establishing himself as an actor. Following a lot of hard work, knock-backs, and part-time jobs in coffee shops and bars Adam realised he wasn’t happy. While he was battling to make himself a name in showbiz, he took an interest in mixed martial arts and inspired by George St Pierre took a few classes in Kyokushin Karate. Soon after, he started taking his training more seriously than his career. It was through a routine visit to an inspirational chiropractor that Adam had been seeing for a hip injury (most likely agitated from practising martial arts) he was persuaded to explore getting qualified as a Chiro. His first response to the suggestion “I’m not smart enough to do that”.

Right here we see a simple comparison with family members, accomplished friends, academically successful peers or authoritative professionals. The story of “I’m not good enough, smart enough, big enough, strong enough……. ENOUGH!” kicks into gear. It’s a toxic story that only through grit, pure determination, and consistency can we succeed despite the crippling distraction from our own imagined foibles. Fortunately for Adam, Karate was an anchor for him to challenge his deep-seated belief that he wasn’t good enough and wasn’t working hard enough. Shinkyokushin is well known globally to be one of the strongest forms of Karate in the world. The training is tough and unrelenting with an undertone of ‘never give up’. The philosophy of karate reinforces to never be enough and never work hard enough. Indeed there is no end game…no goal to achieve…no state in which you rest. Even when obtaining a black belt, which Adam has recently achieved, you are welcomed into what is known to be the ‘void’. Below is an excerpt from a training manual explaining the transition a Black Belt makes upon successful completion of the grading.

Fig 1 Ku - The ‘Void’

KU- The Void. When we are born we know nothing. Through training, we strive to achieve a different level of “nothing”. At first, the body controls the mind, then the mind controls the body. Ultimately the mind is clear and can ignore problems, anger, worry and become calm. This is the way to live a happy life.

Working hard for things you want?

There is a lot of wisdom in working hard to get results, and a truckload of evidence to support that it works. The challenge with this approach is that you can spend your whole life working really hard to obtain a trophy, car, family,  house, status, job title, or belt colour (in the case of Karate) without really knowing what you want.

In the absence of knowing what you really want, you are susceptible to your own imagination which emerges in the form of bullshit stories that you tell yourself….just like Adam (and all of us for that matter) has done for his whole life. The energy and focus it takes to override such toxic stories is far greater than the effort we put into knowing what we want. Just imagine if you redirected all that energy toward your aspirations.

The trick for Adam…and all of us for that matter is to change our focus. Rather than working hard to achieve what we want, we need to work really hard to KNOW what we want. This is not a one-off tick-the-box exercise but an ongoing commitment to the most important project you’ll ever work on….YOU. The best way to do this is to ask yourself often, ‘What is most important to me right now?’ Answer it honestly, work toward aligning yourself to what is most important and your whole life will make a lot more sense.

True Perspective

Like many of you reading this, Adam is very intelligent. He is going to graduate with his second degree, has a black belt and competed in karate tournaments against top-level opponents. Despite all of that, he still tells himself that he’s not smart enough, not good enough and doesn’t know if he’s working hard enough. How is it that someone who is intelligent and achieves so much in life still believes falsities that he tells himself in stark contrast to what all the evidence suggests? One of the greatest lies we can ever tell ourselves is that how we think others perceive us is true. If you’re feeling sorry for Adam right now, don’t. Take a moment to see yourself in his story and recognise that while you might have a slightly different way of expressing it, you also have a story that rules you, that you believe to be true despite all of the evidence that suggests that it isn’t!

Once you know your story, what do you do next?

The answer lies in neuroscience and the simple truth that [1]‘neurons that wire together fire together’. Every time Adam faces a challenge or sees something like a stretch goal, his default pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving is linked back to ‘not good enough’. We build ‘evidence’ to confirm what we already ‘know’ (this is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy). The best way to break this is to introduce a roadblock, power surge or hijacking of the existing pattern. This is something that fundamentally challenges what we tell ourselves, how we see ourselves and subsequently how we behave. I call this circuit breaker True Perspective which represents the overlap of how we see ourselves with how others see and experience us. It’s more than being self-aware, it is our self-concept in action. True Perspective is seeing yourself the way the rest of the world sees you. In this case, I didn’t ask Adam’s friends, family, colleagues and clients to provide their rating of him so it isn’t a fair representation of Adam because it is only made up of Adam’s self-concept. He did, however, have his good friend Vera present and she chimed in to let me know that Adam is quite hard on himself.

Figure 2 - Adam's Self Evaluation- True Perspective

Evolution of self

For the last 15 years, I’ve been working on a framework to help facilitate personal and professional development. Too often I see people that overinvest in one element more than the other which over time, throws them out of balance. For example, this looks like working all hours to deliver on a massive project and missing out on time with family. Alternatively, it could be taking a 6 month break off work to do a trip around the world to make up for the lost time. Neither of these is wrong, but they certainly aren’t balanced. From my personal experience and the experience of my clients, the imbalance that prompts their corrective action stems from being misaligned i.e. How they want to be experienced and remembered by others is not matching their day to day behaviour. This, in psychology, is what we call cognitive dissonance.

Based on [2]Adam’s self-ratings, I’ve plotted where he sits on the evolution of self framework and as you can see it’s primarily focussed on relationship boundaries. Much of the session that Adam I and had was focussed on the relationships he has with his peers at university, with those he loves, and the relationship he has with himself. Over the coming months and years, Adam has an amazing opportunity to transcend his focus on relationship boundaries and move into the transformational elements of the framework.

Figure 3 Evolution of Self Model

When it comes to ‘self’ it’s ever-expanding, evolving concept that is constantly changing based on your interactions with the world. The more experiences you have, the more refined (and hopefully aligned) you will be.

Application

When it comes to applying this model, it can be utilised with reference to situations, such as how you perform on projects or in a particular role at work or even in a volunteer context. You may also like to apply the model in a more personal setting such as with your social circle, your immediate family, or in relation to your life partner. There is no limit to the application as the principles are the same across all contexts and with all relationships. The key is to leverage the combination of ‘True Perspective’ with the Evolution of Self Model to ensure you are continually defining, refining and progressing toward creating your legacy i.e. living in alignment with how you want to be remembered.

References

[1] Löwel, S. and Singer, W. (1992) Science 255 (published January 10, 1992) "Selection of Intrinsic Horizontal Connections in the Visual Cortex by Correlated Neuronal Activity". United States: American Association for the Advancement of Science. pp. 209–212

[2] Normally, I would interview 6-8 nominated stakeholders to obtain the ‘others’ perspective. Given this was not a full program, I kept it to a self-evaluation only.

The 5 Laws Governing your Leadership Legacy

I’d like you to imagine that you’re in a hospital surrounded by medical professionals, machines beeping, people rushing about, and a heaviness is surrounding everybody. You feel it too as you know that you must make a choice. The doctors have so professionally outlined all the pros and cons associated with either choice you make but the final decision lies with you…and you alone. You’re feeling a little bit angry at the situation, it’s not fair that this decision rests squarely on your shoulders….is it? You feel cornered like you’re being pressured into making the wrong decision…will you? You wish somebody else could just tell you what you need to do…. don’t you?

14 years ago, I was facing such a choice. My wife was pregnant with our first child who was due to be born in about two and a half months. Everything had been going so smoothly that I kept having to remind myself that she was pregnant. That all changed when things got complicated. During a routine check-up, our doctor recognised that things weren’t quite right. Our son was at risk of being born a couple of months early so my wife was hospitalised and put on bed rest. We were given a flying tour of the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU) where all the premature babies were cared for. I had a hard lump in my throat as we were being ‘inducted’ knowing that I would soon be joining the other sleep-deprived parents staring at their babies longingly; their view obscured by the Perspex walls of the humid-i-crib and the bunch of tubes and wires that represent an artificial umbilical cord. I was numb, I couldn’t really feel anything.

The ‘big’ day

She’d been on bed rest for two weeks now so I’d convinced myself that the baby would be born normally and we wouldn’t need to be in the NICU. That morning, I got a call from the hospital that the baby was coming….the lump in my throat hardened. Upon arrival, I did my best to reassure my wife that everything was going to be ok. That’s when the doctor mentioned some of the other problems. The baby’s position wasn’t normal (he was bum first) so a natural birth would be difficult. We could choose surgery but that also came with its risks for my wife and our baby. Overwhelmed with emotion, my wife wanted me to make the decision.

My choice

I chose a natural birth option. This was potentially the riskiest for both mother and baby but also the best option if they both made it through. Given the complex situation, we had 6 doctors in the room. I felt so small, helpless and insignificant. I was only 24 years old and the lump in my throat was so tight now, I could barely speak. The next few hours were a slow-motion blur resulting in my son being born naturally. The nurses quickly jumped into action as he wasn’t breathing, and his heart had stopped. Feeling the relief of giving birth my wife looked over at me for reassurance that he was ok. That moment stood still…..what was likely only 10 seconds felt like hours. Not knowing how to respond to my wife’s gaze, I looked on as the doctors and nurses were trying to revive our son. My wife squeezed my hand and asked ”is he ok”? It was at that moment that I heard what sounded like a gurgling noise that was reminiscent of a scene from Jurassic park. For the first time in two weeks the lump in my throat had softened…I could finally speak unhindered “He’s going to be fine”….I said.

Leadership Legacy

Leadership is about showing up in a way that represents who you are. Legacy is about defining how you are remembered. Having worked with thousands of people in their pursuit of being great leaders I’ve seen the very best and the very worst of Leadership Legacy. As highlighted by my own experience with my wife and first son, how you show up in difficult situations defines how you will be remembered. There is no ‘right’ or ‘known’ path for great leadership but we all know it when we see it. A great piece of research outlined by Gallup references the ‘four needs of followers’ by simply asking a group of 10 000 managers to describe the traits of a leader that has had a significant positive impact on their life. The results of their study showed four common themes that emerged. Great leaders were characterised by Trust, Hope, Stability and Compassion. While great leaders make mistakes all the time, we tend not to remember them for what they got wrong, but more so for all of what they did right. How do great leaders create such a positive experience for those around them?

The Five laws

Through my own work coaching leaders, I’ve observed some universal truths that guide the actions of those that are aligned with their leadership legacy. Below is a brief summary of these universal truths that can be used as guiding principles for those that want to accelerate their own development and more fully live in alignment with their legacy.

Law 1 | Listen with depth – Great leaders are brilliant listeners not just of the words being said but also to that which is unsaid. The ability to truly listen requires more than just your ears. As Malcom Gladwell wrote in his book ‘Blink’, your ability to process micro-expressions, be aware of your own biases, and draw conclusions under extreme pressure all happens within the blink of an eye. Oscar Trimboli’s fantastic book ‘Deep listening’ expertly guides us through the different levels of listening starting with self then moving through to meaning. Oscar also reminds us of the need to be mindful of your shadow or unconscious listening behaviours which prevent you from listening deeply.

Law 2 | Learn with endless vigour – We all intuitively know that when we are learning we have more energy, feel motivated, engaged, and connected. We also know that sometimes learning can feel hard, especially when you reach a plateau. Great leaders relentlessly commit to their learning which takes humility. While having an outcome focussed mindset is great for kicking goals, we tend to focus less on the process of learning if we are too focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. In my own practice of juggling, yoga and martial-arts I am continually reminded that there is no end goal. Being present and connected to daily practice is indeed the intention. Some days you are strong, while on other days things just don’t click. This is also a part of the learning process which requires consistency, dedication, persistence, and discipline. In the pursuit of mastering an ability, we learn how to master ourselves. Self-mastery is self-leadership.

Law 3 | Liberate yourself and others – Almost all of what prevents us from achieving that which we most desire exists solely in our own head. Great leaders can separate their past experiences from the meaning they attach to them. It’s not what happens to you that matters, it’s what you make it mean that causes all your suffering. Being able to transcend your past, and let go of your hang-ups will give you the freedom to truly lead. Doing this for yourself provides you with the capacity to liberate others. Keep in mind that this is not a one-trick pony. We are constantly wired to interpret what happens to us in a way that is meaningful and makes sense. The sooner you realise that this is how we have evolved to feel safe and in control but won’t help you succeed, the better. To grow and lead, you must embrace your fear and the inherent meaninglessness associated with your experiences.

Law 4 | Link people, concepts, and experiences– To quote Paul Kelly “From little things big things grow”. My interpretation,  our thoughts represent where we choose to focus our attention, which drives our behaviour, which creates outcomes. The thousands of thoughts driving our behaviour and outcomes everyday form our identity. Who we hang out with, what we choose to do in our spare time, the TV we watch, the partners we choose, the work we do, the products we buy, all represent ripples on a pond. The pond being the universe and a thought represents a pebble tossed into the calm water. The more pebbles we toss the more ripples that form. When the ripple caused by my pebble collides with yours, we start to see how complex and messy things can get. Great leaders recognise that all things are linked. Knowing the far-reaching nature of these connections arms leaders with the wisdom to act with integrity. A pebble thrown with accuracy will cause a ripple effect that’s both beautiful, intentional, and knows no bounds.

Law 5 | Love with courage – As Steven Covey wrote in his book ‘The seven habits of highly effective leaders’ love is what you do and who you are being, not what you are feeling. If you no longer feel in love with your work, your partner, or your life. It’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself about what you are doing. By this I mean, how are you showing up in your relationship, to work, or in life? Are you always late? Ask yourself if this represents the actions of someone who loves their team, their partner, their friends or their family? Are your actions aligned with love? Or perhaps you drink too much alcohol? Ask yourself, is this what love looks like to you? Do you get angry with your kids and dominate them by yelling and screaming when they misbehave? Ask yourself, are your actions reflecting love? I know it’s hard and most of us get it wrong most of the time but it takes courage and vulnerability to behave in alignment with love. You might call this gratitude, acceptance, courage, expression, vulnerability, connection etc. Whatever you call them, they are all rolled into behaviours aligned with love. Great leaders are able to love knowing that they will get hurt, knowing that there is no other way to truly be.

Closing thoughts

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sharing these laws with you to ‘tell’ you what to do. I wrote this article off the back of the most common question I get from people when I’m coaching them. They ask “What do great leaders do?” or if they are honest “Do you think I have what it takes to be a great leader?”. The 5 laws come from great leaders that I’ve worked with, my own self-exploration, and through understanding the research of others. The laws represent what great leaders do. To answer everybody’s question – Do you have what it takes? Absolutely. If your willingness to love outweighs your fear of being hurt, you will succeed. Like my experience throughout my first son’s birth sometimes the best leadership comes in the form of knowing when not to speak or intervene. It takes leadership to accept that you don’t know what the outcome will eventually be and to trust the natural process by standing back to watch everything unfold.  One final thought; your leadership legacy is not governed by your title nor your authority, it is determined by your ability to lead with love.