Emotional Intelligence in the real world: Keep it simple….keep it real

I delivered a presentation on emotional intelligence to a group of psychologists yesterday in what was a rich and interesting blend of models, measurement and application. Ironically I learned the most valuable lesson in emotional intelligence today….one that will change my application of emotional intelligence forever.

Here’s what happened

I was having trouble falling asleep last night, not feeling anxious but contemplating how long it would be before my grandmother finally passed away. She’d been unconscious for a couple of days, not eating or drinking – the end was near.

I awoke with a startle…my phone was ringing but just missed the call. I saw a message from my mum letting me know that my grandmother had passed away at 2 am this morning….she had finally let go. After speaking with my mum and discussing practicalities, there I was lying in my bed reminiscing the legacy that my Grandmother had created. She was a strong, positive, mischievous, and incredibly warm person. Tears streaming down my face and completely overwhelmed with emotion, my lovely daughter came into my room to say good morning. I couldn’t speak but I somehow managed to communicate that her Great Grandma had died. She didn’t say much but stayed with me for a couple of minutes while I pulled myself together.

Saturday is our busiest day typically, and today was no different. I bundled everyone into the car and put on my taxi driver’s hat for the day (all the parents out there know exactly what I’m talking about here).

Later on, in the afternoon my daughter delivered the most beautiful note along with a half-consumed bottle of ice tea and a candy that prompted a few more tears for the day. Here is the note:

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Heartwarming note written by my 8 year old daughter

Her note was so beautifully simple that it made me realise that the amount of complexity that we place around trying to explain, measure, predict and develop emotional intelligence is taking us further away from that which an 8 year-old-girl so effortlessly articulates. Her note is filled with empathy, understanding, compassion, and love. What’s more impressive is that she’s even enticed me with something to look forward to in the form of sugar!

Next time you’re struggling to articulate yourself when it comes to a deeply emotional or challenging topic, step back and simplify your message. As shown by my daughter through her choice of words, the most frequently used word in her note was LOVE. Emotional Intelligence is the application of love….no need to complicate things.

What's Love got to do with It?

In all my travels, my many conversations as a colleague, coach, friend, husband, father, sibling or son have brought me to one insight that I believe matters above all else.  The question is: What has love got to do with it? My answer: Everything! And here's why….

I caught the tail-end of a conversation the otherday that ended with "what can you do……it's just a job". Based on thetone of the statement and accompanying gesture (both hands raised to the airwith shrugged shoulders), it seemed to come off the back of a strainedconversation due to frustrations they were experiencing. More specifically,there was a sense of acceptance coupled with resignation. By this I mean, theyweren't happy with the situation but had accepted to not challenge further asit wasn't that important to them. Reserving judgment (while also acknowledgingthe number of times I have used the same phrase or similar), I wondered whetherthis person loves what they do…. or even believes that it's possible to lovewhat they do.

"If you know what's in your heart, don't waste time questioning what it all means or making it fit your life's narrative, make a choice, strap yourself in and lead your life!"

We are all familiar with the saying "if youlove what you do, you'll never have to work a day in your life" but howmany of us believe that it's possible? In thinking this through and havingnumerous discussions with people on the topic, it seems love is usually notsomething that people associate with work. Taking that thread even further….people seem quite uncomfortable discussing love in a work context. At thispoint, I feel it's important to define what I mean by love as there are as manydefinitions out there as there are people on this planet (7.6 billion based onthe most recent count).

Love defined- Through all my searches, there seems to be a common acceptance about the distinction between feelings of ‘love' vs a feeling of being ‘in love'. To be in love is usually reserved for a life partner, soul mate or those that we choose to marry. To love someone or something is far broader in scope such as an activity (hobby), a family member, friend, pet, job or even a holiday destination. While to ‘love' or be ‘in love' have clear differences there is an obvious overlap worth acknowledging:

• They are both expressions of strong feelings of passion, affection and come directly from one's heart

• They both require a great deal of courage to express what you really feel and vulnerability to be hurt in the process of expression

• When we give or receive love, there is no question…. you simply feel what you know to be true

Now that we are clear about love, let's bring itback to the work context and how it applies here. Through all my coaching overthe years, when people describe great leadership, amazing workplace culture,high performing teams, or an exemplary individual performance it always soundsvery similar. Something like the following:

• People describe a sense of passion, commitment andconviction in what they do that feels genuine and true
• They have the courage to express themselvesopenly…even if it means showing their vulnerabilities
• When challenged about why they do what they do, thereis no doubt, question or ambivalence

As you can see the similarities between love in life and love at work are unquestionable. As interesting as this might be, you are likely wondering what to do with this (if anything). My advice to anyone that is curious about this (and this applies as much to me as anybody that I coach) is to allow yourself to feel what is already in your heart. This is something that you already know how to do but you are likely to be distracted with to-do lists, actions, people to meet, bosses to manage up to, KPI's to hit and families to cater to that you aren't able to acknowledge what is truly in your heart i.e. what is most important to you. As a final thought for you to ponder, to ‘love' in whatever capacity is always a choice. This choice takes commitment, conviction, energy, and courage. If you know what's in your heart, don't waste time questioning what it all means or making it fit your life's narrative, make a choice, strap yourself in and lead your life!