The Evolution of ONEself

Three weeks ago I was engrossed in a conversation sparked by a manager who made the following comment:

Manager: “When I’m at work, I’m professional and polite. I don’t come here to make friends or build lifelong relationships. I come to work to get the job done. I can’t stand it when I see people standing around chatting about all kinds of non-work-related things. I feel like telling them to get on with their work already”

Me: “How about outside of work? What are your relationships like with people?”

Manager: “Oh…outside of work I’m a different person! I’m the life of the party. People that know me personally wouldn’t recognise me for the person I am at work. I’m completely different….and that’s the way I like it”.

Me: “So…your saying that who you are, changes depending on the situation you’re in?”

Manager: “well…yeah…it does. I want to keep clear boundaries between who I am at work vs who I am at home”.

Me: “I get that…and I respect what you’re saying. I’m also curious about if your worlds ever collide. By that I mean, when does what you are working toward in your personal life intersect what you are working towards in your professional life?”

Manager: “Mmmmm…Good question. I don’t know”.

Like many of you, my world has been turned upside down over the past few weeks. Uncertainty has become the new normal as we all manage the contrast between what ‘was’ to what ‘is’. For a large number of people, their worlds have changed due to material consequences such as losing their jobs, cars, and homes. This is indeed challenging but for the most part, not what’s most important.

For all of us, there is a far more interesting dynamic at play and that is the acute reshaping of all our identities. I call this the evolution of oneself. The conversation I recited above occurred between me and a manager before all the COVID-19 craziness took off. I dare say, if we had the conversation today, it would be a very different dialogue.

When we face challenging times, it’s the best opportunity to understand our true self…you know, the one that you are regardless of whether you are at work or home. When people create clear boundaries between who they are at home vs who they are at work things get a little funky. By funky, I mean they spend a great deal of energy maintaining an image of what they think they need to be in their work or home context. To me, this is exhausting!

Interestingly, when asked what is most important to them, or what do they care most about, or what are their values, most people must consider deeply before answering. In many cases, they can’t answer at all. To buy more time or dodge the question they will seek clarification by asking, “do you mean at work or home?”. While I understand the need to regulate behaviour based on context (some things aren’t appropriate in certain settings e.g. sharing details about your sex life in a board meeting), however, letting your environment dictate your values, the things that you care about and what is most important to you is dangerous.

When faced with significant challenges, what matters to us most is always easy to grasp. If you ask a person facing death what’s most important, they might answer family, or following your heart, or courage. Similarly, if someone has a partner suffering from a  protracted illness such as cancer, they will easily answer ‘time’ ‘health’, ‘happiness’ or ‘the one you love’.

Never before in my lifetime have I witnessed so many people simultaneously walking the line where our personal and professional identities meet; our true selves. In an instant, the world has insight and true perspective on what matters. Many people are now able to see themselves. They are challenged with their identity, especially when it now appears divergent from their life that was.

Multiple selves

The evolution of oneself is recognising that there is only one true version of who we are. Anyone who believes that we adopt multiple selves in the world is an actor. Pretending to be someone they are not might be fun for a while, or demonstrate great skill but inevitably, people grow weary. This seems like a great strategy, one that I tried for many years before I woke up one day and couldn’t articulate what was most important to me. If you’re currently attempting the ‘multiple selves’ strategy take heed of my warning, eventually, you’ll slip up somewhere and your multiple selves will clash. Furthermore, if you adopt this strategy as a leader, you’ll never lead effectively because your energy will be too thinly spread. The multiple selves strategy condemns you to transactional behaviour determined by the boundaries you place around your self and others that feed the emotional needs of yourself and those around you.

Evolving ONEself

To get this right, you need to accept the following:

a)       There is only one version of you….regardless of the context, challenges or person you are facing

b)      You are in control, you are responsible and only you can do what it takes to progress

c)       There is no end game. This is a continuous process of investing in yourself. You must relentlessly commit to your ongoing evolution.

d)      You will never completely ‘know’ yourself. Self-awareness is a process, not an end state.

Now it’s time to start leading. Start by asking yourself the following questions.

1)      Are you reacting or are you choosing?

2)      Are you fully committed to being yourself….ONEself?

3)      How do you want to be remembered?

How you respond to these questions is what defines you as a leader. Regardless of how many people report to you, the size of your empire, or your political connections your leadership is defined by you. If you’re wondering whether how you’ve answered is right, then you’ve missed the point. There is no perfect leader or characteristic, or a better way to lead. There is only the choice to commit to expressing who you are in everything that you do to align with how you want to be remembered in the world.