It was mid-afternoon and I was about to step into a meeting when my phone rang. I noticed it was my eldest son calling so decided to answer it. He was upset, crying in fact. There was a bunch of screaming happening in the background which made it hard to decipher what he was saying. I cottoned on that there had been an argument revolving around the Xbox, a boring recurrence in a family home filled with devices, wifi, and computer game addicts. I could feel my frustration building as my previous threats to get rid of the Xbox altogether had obviously failed. I told the kids to avoid each other until I got home so we could sort out the issue. Later, I arrived home and was immediately greeted at the front door by my eldest son. I caught a glimpse of my second son’s heels as he retreated to the back yard to avoid any confrontation. As it turns out, the boys had been playing games all day and couldn’t suppress their frustrations any longer. They got physically violent with each other resulting in a TV remote being thrown point-blank at the other one’s head! Fortunately, my eldest son ducked to avoid getting hit and consequently, the TV remote smashed straight through the window.

Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident in my family and what’s worse, pretty much every parent that has young kids that play the computer game ‘Fortnite’ describe similar fights, outbursts, fits of rage, and generally inappropriate behaviour. I’ve had countless conversations with other parents that feel at a loss, heartbroken, almost driven to insanity, and like they are failing as parents. To be brutally honest, I’ve felt the same way many times but recently had a breakthrough. I think you’ll find the solution both interesting and surprising, whether you have kids addicted to games or not.

The breakthrough

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that I was in Canberra recently for a soccer tournament where I learned all about leadership and winning while watching my son from the sidelines. As it happens, while I was away for the week our subscription to Xbox live gold (games like Fortnite require it) expired. I received a call from my son mid-week appealing for me to renew it which I declined. I said I’d renew it once I got back to Sydney and that it would be good to have a break from gaming for a few days. When I returned home, I was surprised how calm the vibe in the house was. My wife seemed like she was coping unusually well for the 2nd week of the winter school holidays. The kids also seemed to be connecting differently in how they spoke with one another (for 8, 10, 12 and 13-year-old kids, this is remarkable at the best of times). I could see that they were connecting as people again. In speaking with my wife, I learned that they had been playing games just as much as usual. They peppered the days with outdoor activities, a trip to the movies, hanging out with mates etc. On the surface of it all, the only thing that had changed was their access to Fortnite. Like most people, I assumed that the game was evil and the cause of all our problems. While this shift in behaviour was a breakthrough, my conclusion was wrong.

The problem

There’s no doubt that my kids were (and possibly still are) completed addicted to Fortnite. In fact, the parallels between their behaviour when gaming and that of a drug addict are scary. After playing the game for a few hours, it’s like their brain goes into some sort of hyperstimulated frenzy, their eyes go glassy, and they become enraged at the smallest things. They are physically violent, emotionally unstable, and extremely nasty to one another. Following a very short period of consideration, I let the boys know that I wouldn’t be renewing the subscription to Xbox live gold so they would no longer be able to play Fortnite. I explained that the change in their behaviour was so pronounced since they’d had a break from it that I didn’t want them to play it anymore. I braced myself for the backlash….but to my surprise, it never came. One of my sons simply said “Fair enough”. My youngest son, arguably the most addicted, added: “I don’t want to play it anymore”. It was at that moment that I recognised what was going on. I removed the torment from their lives. They no longer had access to their ‘fix’ as I had blocked it from their consciousness. It was no longer on their mind because they knew it wasn’t available to them. They still play games, but the uncontrollable rage, physical violence, verbal abuse has all stopped. Drawing a comparison with drugs, Fortnite is like Methamphetamine (commonly known as ice) whereas the other games they are playing are more like drinking a coffee or having a glass of wine. Yes, they are still classified as drugs and can cause harm to your body and wellbeing but on a much tamer scale. Asking kids to stop playing Fortnite is like covering yourself in fish blood, treading water in the open ocean and thinking you won’t get attacked by a shark. Sharks are insatiable creatures, always on the move and always feeding. Once you put blood in the water, they hunt it down to feed. I’d turned my kids into a school of insatiable sharks trapped in a perpetual feeding frenzy, tormented, violent, and empty.

The solution

On the surface of it, the solution appears to be gaming restriction or at least restriction of certain games. While that will have an impact on behaviour it will be a short-term solution. The truth is, it’s not really about restricting access to Fortnite. Fortnite was the ‘substance’ that was being abused…the ‘drug of choice’ if you will. I won’t deny that it’s a pretty powerful drug at that, and if the desire to get a ‘hit’ is powerful enough, there’s nothing that will stop a junkie from getting their fix. If we are all completely honest with ourselves, we have all suffered from at least one form of addiction at some point in our lives. Regardless of the substance, the process of addiction works in the same way. Whether it’s food, alcohol, sex, cigarettes, risk-taking, stealing, physical exercise, self-harm, work, etc. We can literally become addicted to anything (Check out the TV show 'My strange addiction' for some bizzare examples). What’s more interesting to me is what precedes the addiction? How did you get to the point of needing to engage in self-destructive behaviour? More importantly, in the case of our kids, what do we need to do to enable our kids to tackle the challenges of addiction in a world that is feeding our instinctual desire for an instant reward, quick fixes, and doing what’s ‘easy’?

In speaking with my kids about their behaviour regarding Fortnite. They all acknowledged that it was totally unacceptable. They also recognised that playing the game, while fun, didn’t make them feel good. They didn’t have the words to articulate what they were feeling but I certainly sensed their insatiability and frustration with never being able to achieve fulfilment.

To support you with your own challenges either as a parent working through game addiction with your kids or an addiction you are facing yourself, there are two incredibly important factors central to any addiction.

1) Do you have a clear sense of purpose?

2) Do you feel supported?

These two questions can help you identify your level of risk and more importantly, what you can do to break it or reduce the likelihood of developing an addiction. Below is a model summarising the interaction between purpose and support.

What do I mean by purpose?

Much of my work has revolved around purpose being a motivational force that is intrinsically linked to your core values. While this is true, for kids, it’s a pretty difficult conversation to have. It’s all a bit heavy for a 12-year old that’s more concerned about what’s on the menu for lunch rather than discussing their guiding principles with a parent. For a kid or anyone that’s struggling with purpose, it’s simply your reason to do something. We go to school to get educated, eat to stay energised, drink water to hydrate, practice to improve etc. At times, getting too existential can become overwhelming to the point of feeling like you don’t have a purpose…or your purpose isn’t meaningful enough. A great way to strip things back is to try to live like somebody who has no purpose. If you’re not exactly sure what that means or feels like, imagine every time you want to do something a voice in your head says ‘why to bother’ or ‘what’s the point’. Purposelessness is a dark, cold and quite a scary place for someone to be. After experimenting in the ‘dark’ for a bit you’ll very quickly recognise that you’re probably a bit higher on the purpose scale than you first thought. As outlined by the model, purpose alone isn’t enough. We need support in order to translate our purpose into expansive growth.

What do I mean by support?

Support is a lot more straightforward to explain than purpose. It simply means that you know you have the love and support of someone who cares for you. The only complexity here is that you need to feel that you are loved and supported. There are many people that indeed have lots of friends and family that love them, but they never recognised this love. They didn’t hear it, see it or feel it. Love and support can be subtle in how they are expressed but when felt, immensely powerful. The lack of love and support equally powerful and the fastest way to throw someone into the pit of despair. Somebody highly achievement-oriented is likely to feel empty when they aren’t acknowledging the love and support they have around them. What’s worse, if you couple this with a lack of purpose, they are at serious risk of engaging in behaviour that leads to addiction.

Balancing purpose with support

Having a high amount of purpose with high love and support is the ultimate. This opens the doors to be expansive, growth-oriented and challenged to be more whole in yourself.

When support is high, but purpose is low, we tend to feel like things are a bit easy. We are static in our development and bask in the ease of living without challenge. We look to our relationships to bring us purpose but be warned, your co-dependence could cause a big shock if the relationship ceases.  

High purpose without love and support is the university student studying to be a doctor because that’s what their parents want them to do. A huge amount of purpose is driving their behaviour but every time they kick another goal or over-achieve, they experience the inevitable anti-climax. They feel empty and unfulfilled. This drives them to work harder in perpetual pursuit of the love and support that they don’t have…. a futile quest that ends in burnout.

Low purpose coupled with low love and support is outright dangerous. If cornered by this psychological double-edged sword, immediate help is the only option.

What about kids and computer games….how do I deal with that?

Coming back to my kids and their computer game addiction, the problem wasn’t the games, it was the fact that they were a little lost before they started playing. I love my kids with all my heart, and I’d like to think they each have independent personalities with high drive and purpose. However, in those moments when you are feeling a little down because things haven’t gone your way or your parents may have lost their temper with you, it’s easy to lose purpose and feel as though you aren’t loved or supported. Kids can be extreme in their feelings of purpose, love and support, going from the highs to the absolute lows in a couple of minutes. It’s in those moments that we need to be aware of how we show up as parents. The exact moment when you really couldn’t be bothered dealing with another argument, so you give in to games…. that is when you need to step-up. For me, stepping up looked like taking access to Fortnite away. Interestingly, my kids all felt that as an act of love and support because it extinguished their inability to be satisfied. To any parent out there right now struggling with computer game addiction in their household, ask yourself honestly, do your kids recognise how much you love and support them? If the answer is yes, they will follow your lead. No drug addict deeply entwined in their addiction will willingly give up their stash without a fight. However, those that emerge from the deceptive embrace of their drug will thank you indefinitely for your intervention.