Have you said or ever heard someone say any of the following sentences?

• “I don’t care what people think of me”

• “I am who I am and if you don’t like it, that’s your problem”

• “I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but you can’t please everyone”

• “I focus on being myself, being true to who I really am”

If I’m completely honest, I’ve said some of the above sentences and heard plenty of people say them over the years. Most people would interpret the above affirmations as a sign of confidence or good self-esteem. Not me, I cringe when I hear them now. Why?… Because what they are really saying is “I couldn’t be bothered understanding how others feel, think and behave… their perspective doesn’t matter”

I’m open to the idea that there are some circumstances where it might make sense to “not care” what people think of you. Some might argue that as an elite athlete, it’s essential to “not care” but if you’re wondering what happened to Bernard Tomic or don’t even know who I’m talking about…I rest my case. I personally struggle to think of any examples where it actually makes sense. Unless of course, you are happy to live and work in an environment that doesn’t require you to build or maintain relationships. It reminds me of the reclusive types that retreat from society and have minimal contact with the outside world. They are usually incredibly interesting and quirky people but also quite damaged. To me, it all comes down to how self-centred they are. In other words, they view the world as being all about them and lack empathy for others. As a consequence, the view we all have of them is of being withdrawn and closed-off, albeit interesting and quirky. Of course, their perspective doesn’t shift with feedback because they already hold the view that they don’t care what other people think.

Perspective-taking, in my opinion, is one of the most useful tools any of us have in our life skills toolbelt. Equally, losing perspective is one of the greatest handicaps one can suffer. Being able to shift perspective helps us re-focus in times of crisis, understand somebody else’s behaviour or point of view, see new possibilities for old problems, and learn from our mistakes. Given the ability to shift your perspective is so powerful, I reckon it’s an ability worth practising.

To gain perspective, the two main skills that everyone needs to master, are Empathy and Experiential awareness. That is, one’s ability to understand what somebody else is feeling and the experience they are currently having in your presence. The problem is, when we need perspective most like when we are in the middle of a crisis or things just aren’t going our way, we often struggle to find it. The solution, while counterintuitive, is to stop focussing on yourself and look to what others are feeling and how they are experiencing you. This will give you a new perspective, and also help you see yourself how the rest of the world sees and experiences you.

If you’re still convinced that what others think of you doesn’t matter or isn’t helpful, try this on for size. How you see yourself is mirrored by how others experience you. For example, not caring how others experience you would be like someone politely letting you know that you’ve got something stuck between your teeth and you respond with “Thanks for letting me know, but I really don’t care”. Not exactly the best way to win friends and influence people! More applicable examples could be rejecting feedback in any of the following scenarios. Having poor body language in meetings, the overuse of ‘um’ when presenting, belittling others publicly, making cynical comments or snide remarks, not speaking up when you have something to say, big-noting yourself, turning up late to a meeting and lying about what caused your delay and the list goes on…and on. We all need perspective at times so we can see ourselves how others are seeing and experiencing us. However, you can only achieve perspective if you see yourself from another’s point of view.

If you’re looking for a little more insight, consider this. The view others have of you is shaped by the view you have of yourself. When you think about it, it’s quite simple, how you see yourself shapes your behaviour. How you behave shapes how people see and experience you. As a leader, manager or parent, this forges the culture of your organisation, team or household you are leading respectively. Your success as a leader in any context is directly related to your ability to empathise. When you take the time to understand what your key stakeholders are feeling you’ll also start to take responsibility for the behaviour that shapes their view of you.

To sum it all up, the view of you is a reflection of how you see yourself. If you couldn’t be bothered or don’t care what people think, their experience of you will be someone who doesn’t care, couldn’t be bothered and doesn’t want to understand them. This does not bode well for anyone wanting to create have a productive, engaged life. To avoid this outcome try Shifting your focus to put others at the centre of your universe and you’ll have no option but to demonstrate empathy and understanding.

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I’m fascinated with people, always have been and always will be. From a very early age, I keenly observed people, I was curious about what motivated them, what made them successful and why they made certain choices. This curiosity led me to study Psychology. After graduating with my Master of Organisational Psychology, I worked for Gallup, a global leader in engagement and strengths-based development. I became a strengths-based coach, engagement expert and worked with senior leaders all over the world.

If you’re curious about how I can help you personally or with the leadership of your team/organisation get in touch via my email: joe@joehart.com.au | website: joehart.com.au | Phone: +61425 224 825